Places & Predators: The Roller Playing Game is now a thing that exists. Go buy a copy!

April 19th, 2016

Dwarf Lover is back! Maybe for good this time. It depends on how much support I get at my Patreon! Money is motivation, people! IT'S MOTIVATION! Was that as dramatic as that moment in Soylent Green when the main guy reveals the secret ingredient in the McSoylent Green?

December 18th, 2014

Pickle Boy has a new comic! He wrote it a long time ago so if you've seen the same comic in your newspaper recently, Pickle Boy didn't steal it! Also, I'm really rusty with my art skills so be kind when you review it on your very popular website (with a link back to my site, of course!) that is Fark? Maybe?

November 24th, 2014

Over two years since my last update? Holy cow! What have I been doing? Well, for one thing, I've been reading comic books! It's much easier to post on a site like blogspot or wordpress or tumblr than it is to update posts on a stupid, non-smart site like this where all the ancient HTML code is hand entered! But I did do some hand entering recently! That sounded sexy! But it wasn't! Because it was actually an update to my text adventure reviews and walkthroughs. That's not sexy at all! It's almost nerdy! I've also learned that you don't have to pay extra for exclamation points! So why do people use periods? They're not exciting at all!

I recently played Adventureland by Scott Adams! It was boring! Oh wait! I shouldn't have used an exclamtion point for that! It was boring. Whew! That's better! I also wrote up a Walkstory for Adventureland! Just in case you're not very good at adventuring like I am and you didn't know that sometimes in the pursuit of treasure, you have to molest a bear!

September 21st, 2012

Pickle Boy's daughter has come up with some new ideas for comics. She's so much more talented than her father ever was! And it looks like Pickle Boy, Jr, is coming up with some great material as well! I can't wait until he's old enough to sign his name to this contract and begin working with me!

Here's the next Pickle Boy's Comic. Or should I say Pickle Boy's Daughter's Comic? All the work is mostly by me, Grunion Guy, anyway!

January 28th, 2012

I've written another Bible Study! This one is about Joseph's brothers finally getting the go ahead to take Benjamin down to Egypt!

It's not as exciting as it sounds. It sorely lacks the details and jokes of a good road trip movie. And then the whole thing ends on a gigantic dinner party but we never even find out what they ate or who they gossiped about while eating!

BORING!

January 22nd, 2012

I've been busy doing a lot of super heroic things over the last month! Now that Aquaman apparently isn't a joke anymore, I'm getting new respect as well! People are all, "Dude, are you that Aquaman guy that we all used to make fun of but now it's cool to like him for some reason again guy?" And I go, "Yeah! Probably! Except my name is Grunion Guy and not Aquaman! But everything else is true!" And then they go, "Sweet!"

That other guy who isn't my secret identity and I don't even hardly know him at all over at EEE! Tess Ate Chai Tea! has been blogging his readings of the New 52 over at DC Comics. It's taken up a lot of his time just like, um, saving fish cities has taken up my time!

If anybody out there was hoping something on this page would be updated, they'll have to send me a message via that e-mail address up top. I'm taking requests! Otherwise, I'll be busy saving comics! I mean, reading people. Saving people!

Januray 10th, 2012

There's a new Pickle Boy Comic written by Pickle Boy's daughter! Actually, it's co-written by Pickle Boy's daughter and me! Also drawn by me! Pickle Boy had nothing to do with this one unless you want to count his sperm to create Janie.

Read it here!

Also, here's Pickle Boy's Daughter's vision of a Unicorn!

January 9th, 2012

Happy New Year! Wow! I took a month off after finishing Tomb of Horrors! Don't expect Chapter Three to start anytime soon though! But when it does start, it'll finish a lot faster than Chapter Two did since I'm going to write the whole thing before I begin posting it. Don't worry! It won't be worth the wait!

Meanwhile, a guy who looks an awful lot like me but wears glasses and isn't me at all (seriously! He's not me! Stop saying how you never see either of us together! We just, um, don't like each other!) has been writing about Comic Books over at the blog, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Also, I've finally finished my Walkstory and Review of The Very Big Cave Adventure, Part Two. It took a long time because the cave was very big! And kind of boring!

I'd say that's all I've done in the last month but it's a lot of stuff! What the hell did you do all month?

December 10th, 2011

There happens to be a new Dwarf Lover Director's Cut over at the bloggerel, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

December 7th, 2011

As promised way back at the beginning of this year, Dwarf Lover: Chapter Two has reached its conclusion! I'm just as surprised as you! You probably don't want to hear how proud I am of this work and how I nurtured it and spent hours upon hours ignoring it only to provide it attention a few hours a month. So here it is! The conclusion of The Tomb of Horrors: Rules Lawyering!

November 25th, 2011

Pickle Boy has come out of nowhere with a new comic! Just in time to delay the ending of Dwarf Lover, Chapter Two! Way to go, Pickle Boy!

Actually, Pickle Boy didn't delay the comic by that much. Maybe ten minutes judging from my artwork in his comic! So here's the final Dwarf Lover Short: the Epilogue to Six Very Short Stories Before The End. The final full length comic of Chapter Two will appear sometime in December!

November 23rd, 2011

Duke Sees the Truth. At this point, it must be pretty boring seeing a new Dwarf Lover update every couple of days. Where's the tension? The excitement? The long years of giving up hope on ever knowing how Cobra Commander is going to get out of that alternate dimension!

Actually, you should probably give up hope on ever finding that out. But the ending of Tomb of Horrors is just 1.1 comics away!

November 21st, 2011

Are you still reading this stupid web comic? Geez! Here's the next mini-episode made from my blood, sweat, tears, and the mummy sculpture I made for Super Mummy! I almost used the Mummy picture from the 3rd Edition D&D Monster Manual but then I decided to use some of my own sculpture so all the jerks out there who don't think I'm an artist can suck their toes!

Stirik and the Mummy or something like that.

November 19th, 2011

I figured I'd slip in this episode of Dwarf Lover on Saturday when everyone is busy doing other things because it's the shortest and easiest Dwarf Lover to read ever. You can probably just skip it: Kohk Kills Some Time.

November 18th, 2011

Another mini-Dwarf Lover for your nibbling pleasure! This one features the stupid Elf! I think the Elf is stupid because the comic is called Dwarf Lover and Dwarves (or Dwarfs) hate Elfs! Or Elves.

You know what? They're both stupid! Go read it now!

More November 17th, 2011

I've begun a series that I'll hopefully keep up on over at my Bloggerel, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! It's a Director's Cut for the episodes of Dwarf Lover. I'll try to remember where I grabbed the images for each comic, say a little bit about process or story, and ramble on about whatever comes to mind. Just like the comic! The first episode which discusses the first episode, The Beginning, is right here! (That's a link! The 'right here' part! Click it!)

November 17th, 2011

Surprise surprise super surprise! I should look up surprise in the Thesaurus so that I can sound like a fancy pants blogger! You know, the ones that spend all of their time looking up words to replace the words they would normally use if they didn't have lots of time to put their thoughts together on a blog page! I guess I'm keeping it in the Real as opposed to living it up in the Other!

That was all an extraordinary preface to this fantastic news: A new Dwarf Lover is up! Holy cows! It is called Gary Gets the Loot. I hope that title isn't too much of a spoiler!

November 16th, 2011

Super surprise! Fred Meyer was sold out of Skyrim so that didn't waste any of my time at all! Which means I finished the next Dwarf Lover in record time! It's only a Dwarf Lover Short. The next six episodes will also be Shorts! So maybe they'll be done just as fast as this one was! No, no, that was a joke. One thing I don't believe in is deadlines!

So, here is the first story in a batch of short stories. The batch of short stories are called "Six Very Short Stories Before the End". They're also subtitled, "The Kids of the Tomb of Horrors." They also have their own individual names! This one is called, "Polly Plays it Cool." Go read it now!

November 14th, 2011

Surprise! Modern Warfare 3 didn't interfere with my schedule at all! I think that means the game is a gigantic failure. Maybe I'll get Skyrim so that can distract me as well! In the meantime, here's Meanwhile, the next exciting episode of Dwarf Lover!

Also, Bloggerel.

November 8th, 2011

New Dwarf Lover! It's almost like reading a weekly comic by somebody with some sort of discipline or something!

Go read it now and pretend you paid $3.99 for it! Then remember that you didn't and realize I'm better than DC and Marvel!

October 31st, 2011

Happy Halloween! I decided not to play a trick and tell you that Dwarf Lover isn't going to updated today and instead am giving you a treat because Dwarf Lover is being updated today. It's an extra-special scary episode too! Enjoy!

Also, bloggerel!

October 26th, 2011

I once went through a phase when I felt I needed to be more exciting! So I got myself a super hero weapon! It was a gun! I called myself Grunion Gun! It was super exciting! In my latest Review and Walkstory (if you don't remember or never read the part where I wrote it but Walkstory is my trademarked term for a Walkthrough that is also a story!), I decided to resurrect Grunion Gun! It makes for a much more exciting Adventure game! Check it out! POW!

Also, Bloggerel.

October 22nd, 2011

Halloween is just around the scary corner and the next Dwarf Lover is just about ready to hit the press. But it still won't hit the presses until Halloween. I'm still on hiatus. Or vacation. Or I'm really, really busy with some really important life-changing and mind-altering things.

So until then, I'll just post a game review for a game that was kind of dumb and silly and not really that interesting. Also the Walkstory that goes with it.

Bloggerel.

October 12th, 2011

I decided to start using my Blogger blog to compose notes about my various projects here on Places and Predators. The blog is here. It's called Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! It's also easier to comment there since the forum has really just become a target for spammers. The forum may stay or it may go. It's in purgatory right now.

October 8th, 2011

I've been playing a bit of Nethack lately. Anybody who knows Nethack knows what an understament 'a bit of' is when it comes to playing Nethack. I'm chronicling my lessons learned on my Nethack Review Gaming Page. This doesn't mean I'm not doing other things too!

The Tomb of Horrors is written and finished, if not Photoshopped. But that's the easy part. Places & Predators will rise again from the dead on Halloween with a new episode of Dwarf Lover. This should be followed by a number of episodes of Dwarf Lover on a much more timely scale than normal so that Chapter Two will wind up by the end of the year.

August 6th, 2011

Cool Kid #1: What's that you say?
Cool Kid #2: The new Dwarf Lover is up and ready to read and it's fantastic!
Cool Kid #1: Holy Crapoley! I better go read it so that I can stay hip and groovy like all the other cool kids.
Nerdy Kid: I don't read Dwarf Lover. POUT!

August 1st, 2011

I just played a new old game from 1979 called Space and then reviewed it also. I thought it was going to be an adventure game but it wasn't. Then I thought it was going to be a role playing game but it kind of wasn't. Then it appeared it was a game about making money that was sort of set in a future world where everyone gets drafted. It might be interesting if people wanted to compete against each other to see how much money they could earn before dying. The main problem with the game is that it doesn't spit out how much money you had when you die. Which is stupid. Although the game is in BASIC so I guess if you know which variable was being used for your Total Earnings, after the game ends you can just print it out. Oh, heck, let me figure it out for you now! Be right back!

Okay, once the game ends and you're left with the prompt, type PRINT SK(29) and enter. The game will then list a number. That's how much money you had when you died! Yay!

July 29th, 2011

Finally, another true to life tale about Grunion Guy and Pickle Boy's secret identities! This one is probably called something like College is Awesome.

Also July 28th, 2011

The Grand Afterlife of Richard F Burton has caught up on all of his adventures preceding Adventure #46! Which means it is time for me to continue reading that book about the woman who is trying not to die by telling lots and lots and lots of stories that end in cliffhangers.

July 28th, 2011

Pickle Boy thought up a new comic while in the john this morning. So I had to draw it while thinking about Pickle Boy in the john. Why is the bathroom called the john? Does it have something to do with John Thomas? Oh yeah, here's the comic.

July 27th, 2011

Joseph's brethren visit Egypt! Okay, it's a little less of a visit and a little more shopping trip. Okay, it's a little less trip and a little more expedition. Okay, it's a little less shopping and a little more getting accused of being spies and thrown in jail! Enjoy!

July 17th, 2011

The next episode of Dwarf Lover is ready to be read by you. It goes back to the Stirik pathway so you should probably reread Stirik's Choose Your Own Adventure Book or just remember everything you read before because rereading takes time out of your finite life. The next episode is called Spinoff!

Yes, there will be a Stirik Spinoff comic. Sort of! It's kind of ready to go but I should probably write one or two before starting a whole new section!

July 9th, 2011

The next section of Lyle's Bible Study sounds like an episode of The Kids of Degrassi Street or maybe a film strip you might have been shown in your elementary school class if you grew up in the seventies: Pharaoh Makes Joseph a Ruler.

July 2nd, 2011

I'll get done with Genesis some day! I think I'm pretty close because I'm on Joseph and he's like the last important guy in Genesis! I think! This next Chapter is entitled Pharaoh's Dreams and isn't as sexy as that might sound.

June 29th, 2011

I'm back in The Bible Study business! If you missed it, all of the sections now have a KNOW THY ENEMY entry. Also, a new entry is up! It's about Joseph and how he likes to learn about other people's dreams! Pervert!

June 17th, 2011

Another Pickle Boy Comic to tide you over while Dwarf Lover sits ignored. But the quality of both comics is about the same, right? This one is quite controversial.

June 15th, 2011

A new Pickle Boy Comic for no one to enjoy! Um, enjoy!

June 9th, 2011

I've been working on Places & Predators things because none of this other garbage is ever going to make me any money. So most everything else has been on hiatus while I work on real things. Except I have updated some of Lyle's Study Guides with a Know Thy Enemy Section (the first 16 sections, the next 39 to follow soon). After that, I'll start it up again.

More episodes of Dwarf Lover are being written but I haven't been too eager to photo shop them yet. When I next update it, there will probably be 3 or 4 episodes followed very closely after each other. And I think there are only about 6 episodes left for Chapter Two anyway.

The Grand Afterlife of Richard F Burton has seen a lot of updates that I haven't mentioned. Mainly because I'm just getting caught up to Adventure #46.

Pickle Boy is on vacation so he isn't writing comics. He's eating doughnuts and drinking Tom Collinses with his mom.

I almost started reading Twilight but it's pretty tough to even start when the author can't even spell her first name correctly. Also, the last sentence of the first paragraph of the first chapter is "My carry-on item was a parka." There's something so horrifically horrible about that sentence that I couldn't read any further. "My carry-on item was a parka." *shudder*

Grunion Guy's Help Desk and Game Reviews ran into a brick wall with a game I started to play but got bored of fairly quickly. It was a satire on the original Adventure and it was pretty bad. Plus it was on the Spectrum and had a 2nd part like the Mindshadow Game I reviewed way back when. And like that time, I have no idea how to continue the game on the 2nd part with the Spectrum Emulator I'm using.

I've also started on a brand new Grunion Guy Story! I haven't written one of those in a long time! It's called 'The Brunswick Horror!' It's going to be very exciting!

That's all that's new with me. Except for nobody visits the forums except for a bunch of lousy Russians who are trying to spam it like crazy. Jerks!

The next actual person who joins the forum will win a prize! Surprise! I bet nobody wins!

May 11th, 2011

A new Pickle Boy Comic has appeared to warm your hearts! It's been almost a month since the last one and I'd like to assure everyone that it was my fault and not Pickle Boy's. With material like this, he can come up with a new comic any time I ask!

May 7th, 2011

The Dwarf Lover that I said would be up May 1st is now up a week later. That'll teach me to start giving out actual dates for the updated comics. All eight fans out there are probably used to sporadic updates by now anyway. At least it wasn't six years late this time! Anyway, go read Into the Silver Mists now!

April 25th, 2011

Richard F Burton has been having some adventures. He's halfway to caught up with his 46th Adventure which started his site! Good job, Richard F Burton!

April 14th, 2011

Oh joy! Pickle Boy just can't stop the flow of mediocre comic strip ideas! So head on over to Pickle Boy's Comic and have yourself a laugh riot attack!

Also, I have a new Review and a new Story/Walkthrough of a 1985 Kingsoft game for the Commodore 64, Frankie Crashed on Jupiter!

April 10th, 2011

Right on schedule, the next Dwarf Lover is up! This one is three times as big as a normal issue! Polly relates a little tale you might know I'm fascinated with if you'd ever read my unfinished masterpiece, Astounding Sci-Fi Tales of Horror. That story is The Breakfast Club which you'll all recognize but I mention it here for Search Engines to make note of. Enjoy!

April 8th, 2011

Dwarf Lover sure does take a long time to put together. Or is it Dwarflover? Stupid Web Comic.

April 4th, 2011

Even though I should be working on the next Dwarf Lover, I decided to draw a Pickle Boy Comic! Enjoy! You should probably discuss it in the forum too!

March 31st, 2011

After two weeks of playing He-Man and the Masters of the Universe in Super Adventure, I finally defeated Skeletor! Is that a spoiler? You should read the story/Walkthrough if you're not interested in downloading a Commodore 64 emulator, finding the rom, and wasting your time playing the game. But if you're into that kind of stuff, just read my Review about the game since you don't want me spoiling the exciting story about how you, as He-Man, defeat Skeletor and save Eternia!

March 30th, 2011

A new Pickle Boy Comic is up! Although it wasn't written by Pickle Boy at all! That doesn't mean he isn't still writing them! I think it just means he didn't write this one!

March 28th, 2011

I missed the two year anniversary of starting Lyle's Biblical Study Guide and providing people with an in-depth knowledge of that super sacred special text! I started it on March 25th, 2009! And I don't remember the last time I updated it! So maybe I better get around to doing that because people are starting to lose faith! Plus, I should probably try to finish before Judgment Day on May 21st, 2011! Oh man, that's a lot of reading!

March 26th, 2011

I just finished playing one of the most boring Commodore 64 games I've ever played! Can I even describe it as playing? Well, it was writing! So it was fun! Read the Review of The Three Musketeers and then read the story/walkthrough too!

March 20th, 2011

The next Dwarf Lover episode, Agitated, is now available for free online! And it isn't anymore of that Stirik in a Choose Your Own Adventure crap! It's the real deal! I'm sure I'll remember to wrap up Stirik's little storyline sometime in the future but for now, please to enjoy more of the Dwarf and the Elf and the other ones!

March 9th, 2011

There is a new forum in town! It is brand new and only has Grunion Guy and Pickle Boy as registered members. And neither of us have bothered posting anything so it looks like a barren wasteland. I don't imagine that will change very soon! I'm too busy writing real things to write commentary on my stuff! That's for other people! Also, that little bird up in the other corner is a link to follow me on Twitter. I don't really do any writing on Twitter because it is so limiting and you can't limit a real Writer! But if you're interested at all in any of my awesome writing projects, then you should Follow Me on Twitter because then you'll get instant updates whenever I update!

March 8th, 2011

You might think you already read this but I assure you you haven't. Unless you read this already instead of just the March 7th entry. And then I'm wrong. But the reason you might have thought you read this even if you haven't is because it's yet another update for Pickle Boy Comics! Enjoy!

March 7th, 2011

Pickle Boy thought up another comic. He also claims he's written six more but, after today's comic, we both think his subconscious might be stealing them from old Far Side comics he read years ago. But that just makes them funnier! Go see his new one over at Pickle Boy's Comics!

March 4th, 2011

What if you were a spirit and you were able to possess people and make those people say things that your spirit just can't help not saying? Well, that's what has happened to Richard F Burton, famed for translating The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night and The Kama Sutra. Also, less famous for Vikram and the Vampire. Also probably not very famous for those first couple also.

Stop being so ignorant, people! Go listen to the haunted tales of Richard F Burton's ghost! Booooo!

March 2nd, 2011

Pickle Boy and I just can't stop writing and drawing comics! What an amazing team. Today, we bring you the fourth installment of Pickle Boy's Comics! I can't wait until Pickle Boy's Comics are super famous and we get a nice big autograph table at Comic Con where we can charge $20 for our signatures!

February 28th, 2011

Pickle Boy has written another comic! He probably stole this joke from somewhere else but his memory is so bad that he can't remember any jokes he's ever heard. So you can pretty much believe that this originated in his own mind. Plus, don't forget to read the latest Dwarf Lover!

February 26th, 2011

The interlude of Stirik continues in the new Dwarf Lover episode. Bad news for those who hate reading: the Choose Your Own Adventure style continues! Good news for those who hate reading: you probably didn't read the bad news! So go read it already!

February 18th, 2011

This site hasn't seen this much action since that time I did it to all those girls in that Transylvania chat room! Pickle Boy Comic #2 is now up and raring to go! I'm not sure if the writing is improving yet but the art sure is!

And another True Adventures of Me and Ken too! What a day! And it's just barely 8 AM!

February 16th, 2011

Another new project on the heels of the one where Pickle Boy barely writes anything. He actually came up with two new comics but promptly forgot them the next day. To his credit, he still claims he's written three comics. Anyway, the new feature is another comic. It is part of my majestic memoirs. But it is only the parts that star Pickle Boy. And since Grunion Guy and Pickle Boy are stupid names to put in a memoir that will be in every library in the country, we're using the pseudonyms of Me and Ken. I will star as Me and Pickle Boy will star as Ken. The comic is called The True Adventures of Me and Ken!

February 10th, 2011

A new feature has been added at a time when lots of old features are being ignored! A new writer, Pickle Boy, has started writing a web comic! Pickle Boy has been my assistant writer for some time now and he thinks he's finally ready for his own feature! Here's hoping he keeps it up! Go see his section of the site right here!

February 5th, 2011

The next Dwarf Lover episode is now available for free! What a sweet deal! It looks like I've created an arbitrary deadline for myself. A new episode every three weeks. Don't complain! It's not like I'm doing a 3-panel strip with a few dumb jokes! I'm doing ten pages with even less dumb jokes. So enjoy the new Dwarf Lover and send all email to me at my places and predators email account which you can find at the bottom of the page. The very bottom!

January 16th, 2011

After five long years, a new Dwarf Lover comic, entitled, Crossing the Gap, is finally up! Don't worry, it won't take five years for the next one. Chapter Two, The Tomb of Horrors, will see an end before the end of 2011. And before I hear any smart aleck remarks about that probably being only two episodes, there are about 10-12 more installments left in this Chapter! So enjoy!

January 6th, 2011

Dwarf Lover is returning very soon. It was last updated in 2005, I believe. The elves and goblins are busy writing story lines and scanning pictures while the gnomes are researching old pop culture references that would fit the story line. Will Kohk and his merry band of bandmates ever make it out of the Tomb of Horrors? I hope so! Reread the events that led up to the place where we left off and will be returning very shortly. Or at least sometime in the next month. Possibly February. READ DWARF LOVER HERE!

September 28th, 2010

I wrote a bit of a review and a bit of an essay and a smattering of a walkthrough for the game, The Quest. The game didn't really call for a walkthrough since it's mostly walking! It really is just one puzzle across 200 or so locations. If you've been playing The Quest on the Commodore 64 and you've been wondering why you can't solve it using the Apple Version's Walkthrough, you might want to read the end of the review!

September 22nd, 2010

Another new game review is up! This one is for the sequel of Aztec Tomb Adventure called Aztec Tomb Revisited! How exciting! Except it wasn't! The Partial Walkthrough is up for this adventure also. It isn't a partial walkthrough because I couldn't solve it (although I didn't solve it (but I probably could have solved it!)) but because the game is riddled with horrible code that constantly causes memory overflow issues. So the basic premise of my review is THIS GAME SUCKS! But you should read it anyway since I haven't written any Bible Reviews or Places & Predators things for a long time! This is all you get!

September 17th, 2010

A new game review is up for Aztec Tomb Adventure, a graphic adventure for the Commodore 64 from 1984. I also finished a Walkthroughvella (that's a Walkthrough that's part Novella which is how all of my Walkthroughs are and it's also my own copyrighted term that nobody can use and nobody would probably want to use it anyway because it's not as catchy as I think it should be) of the game and am currently working on the Sequel!

September 14th, 2010

I have a new review up for a game released by Activision called Mindshadow. I previously had written a walkthrough for the first half of it and just recently completed the second half of the walkthrough. It took me a long time not because I'm dumb and can't solve mediocre puzzles but because I started the game on a Spectrum Emulator and couldn't finish it on that dumb emulator because I couldn't get the second disk or cassette or rom to load when it wanted me to switch disks. So I played the rest of the game on the Commodore 64 which is where I should have been playing it in the first place! The Spectrum graphics sucked! No wonder people have fond, nostalgic memories of the Commodore 64 and nobody ever says, "Boy, remember the good old Spectrum days!"

arch 23rd, 2010

The Trollslayer Text adventure has been updated to fix a whole bunch of syntax problems that kept it from compiling with the new version of Inform 7. Hopefully it'll work better if it wasn't working that great before. I know there are still some typos left in the game. But The Dwarf can now sober up after being drunk since the code used to read "The sobriety of the player is now 0." when it should have read "Now the sobriety of the player is 0." Stupid code.

August 17th, 2009

Every Week with Andy Rooney

"Do you ever think about stuff? I think about stuff every week. The stuff is usually pretty ordinary but I like to present it in a new way. Well, new if you're someone who has never thought about stuff. Some weeks, I won't even bother to think about stuff and I'll just bring in a box of junk from my garage. I'll then precede to talk about it for half an hour and my editor will cut it down to one minute of the most interesting comments. Half of those comments are usually, "I don't know what this does but I just can't bring myself to throw it out." About this time, I'll usually throw in a line that I'll repeat at the end of my segment to tie it all together and make you think I had some kind of a point. After that, I'll make a few ordinary observations about the stuff. I'll end most of my sentences with question marks to make it look like I'm really thinking hard about the stuff. Sometimes, I can get a few sentences through that don't make any sense at all and you won't notice, because you'll be distracted by my eyebrows. I'll make it sound like nobody knows why we need this stuff and yet nobody can live without it either. Then I'll run out of things to say and I'll repeat the line from earlier in a joking manner to signal that I'm done talking about that stuff."

May 15th, 2009

New Study Guide! Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday! Do I have to keep updating this front page? It's not like I have anything else to say. I haven't really been watching much television or scoring with hot chicks. I mean, I score all the time except I'm a gentleman so I don't score and say.

May 13th, 2009

New Study Guide up! Now with weaning!

May 11th, 2009

New Study Guide up! This time it is about the birth of Isaac. It was sort of a boring part.

May 7th, 2009

New Study Guide up! It's about Abraham and some guy named Abimelech.

May 5th, 2009

New Study Guide up!

I think someone needs to make a Street Fighter type game where you play different Gods. Like Jesus versus Kali versus Yahweh versus Thor versus Baal versus Allah versus Ganeesh and so on! Man, I'd kick but as Krishna!

May 4th, 2009

New Study Guide up!

I've been doing a lot of reading which is weird for me since I'm a Writer. Reading is such a passive activity. How can people be readers? Just sitting there and accepting somebody else's stupid story that I could do a far better job writing? What a waste of time! But I've been reading so that I can expand my horizontals. I'm currently reading The Dog Conclusion and it has something to do with how the universe was pooped out by a giant cosmological terrier or something. I don't know. It's hard to concentrate! I keep writing in my head while reading so I miss a lot of the book. I've got this great idea for a Science Fiction story about a giant cat that barfs up a hairball which turns out to be the galaxy for a really advanced civilization that worships cats! I hope I get some positive responses on my query letters to publishers for that idea!

April 28th, 2009

New Study Guide! No other news to tell you about since my life is boring and nobody cares about me anyway. I think I'll call my mom now!

April 27th, 2009

I have to go eat breakfast now. If you're eating at the Cup and Saucer on Hawthorne in Portland, OR at 9:30 AM this morning, please leave me in peace. I won't be signing autographs.

Um, also, new Study Guide!

April 26th, 2009

I saw a car on fire last night. I've been busy! Stop being so nosy! Here's a new Study Guide!

April 21st, 2009

I need Viking jokes for my up and coming Viking comic strip I will be writing. E-mail me your favorite Vikings jokes and I'll credit you in each strip. Although, if I've already thought up the joke you send me like I probably will have already done, you won't get a credit!

Another Study Guide is up!

April 20th, 2009

Yesterday, this girl at the park who is usually there feeding bread to the ducks who wasn't there the week before was there. So I told her I missed her last week and I really meant I missed looking at her because she always wears short shorts but she just thought I meant I'm used to seeing her there and didn't last week. So she said, "I was in Seattle at a Japanese Comic Cartoony thing." And I said, "Sakuracon?" to like totally impress her with my knowledge of Nerddom. She was surprised I knew what it was since I must come across as a totally macho and cool dude to her and not a total geekwad nerd that would know about that stuff. So I asked her how it was and she said, "It was creepy."

Now go learn about God's covenant with Abram!

April 16th, 2009

I wish I knew more jokes. Then this sentence would be a joke and then the next sentence would be a serious remark with the link to the new Study Guide. Except I don't know a joke so that last sentence had the link to the new Study Guide. Oh, that one did too!

April 15th, 2009

It's Tax Day! Whee! Too bad tomorrow's Study Guide isn't ready for today since it is all about Tithing which means Divine Tax Inspired by God and Collected by Man to Pay for his Salary for Teaching People About Tithing. Today's Study Guide is all about WAR!

April 14th, 2009

I really shouldn't neglect all the other parts of my web-page for this stupid Study Guide. Especially the Places & Predators Stuff since that's the whole name of the website! And it's represented less than all of my other amazing stuff. Oh well! That's what I hired Pickle Boy for. He should be organizing stuff for my fans. He should really be working on getting us a booth at Comic-con! Except then we'd miss the Portland Brew Fest. Why do they always fall on the same weekend? I wonder who I can talk to to get that changed? Batman maybe?

Oh, um, new Study Guide!

April 13th, 2009

What a long weekend! I hosted a super successful party on Thursday that took me all week to prepare. And then on Friday, I couldn't do any writing or update my Bible Study Guide because I had Post Partyum Depression. But I'm over that now and have put up the next Study Guide. It's a really exciting Chapter of the Bible finally! Lots of adultery and traveling and lying and getting rich for no reason! I hope it stays this way!

April 9th, 2009

Happy Maundy Thursday! What does that even mean? I hope it means I get a present. I was going to write some more about it but there is a spider climbing on the wall next to my head and I have to type this really, really fast and run away now. STUDY GUIDE! AAAAAaaaaaaAAAGGGHH!

April 8th, 2009

I'm really tired from Super Heroing all night. When I stopped at 7-11 for a Mutant Berry Slurpee (Wolverine is selling them! I have to support my fellow Super Heroes!), the clerk told me a story that involved her saying 'dicked off' and cleaning up the resultant mess. Ew. Um, here's the next Study Guide! Don't dick off to it!

April 7th, 2009

The Tower of Babel Study Guide is up! I wonder if a video game has ever been made about The Tower of Babel? I bet it would be really fun! You'd have to try to keep building a tower while not understanding the guy next to you! Um, unless the guy next to you started speaking the same language. Did everyone working on it start speaking a different language? I forgot to ask that in the Study Guide! Oh well, just add that question in the margins.

April 6th, 2009

I took both Sabbath Days off from posting Study Guides! I didn't stop writing them or playing video games or pushing buttons or getting donkeys out of holes. I'm not going to be ridiculous about it. I'm only commenting on The Bible. I'm not following it! I'm not even sure, at this point, I'd know how to follow it! I guess what I've learned so far is not to look at my father naked and not to eat any fruit God tells me not to and to be the lucky guy God picks to not drown when he drowns everyone and don't build a tower to heaven and don't be the son of a naked father looker either!

Oh yeah, there's also a new study guide up!

April 3rd, 2009

If you like drinking, then you'll probably like this next Study Guide. Also, if you like finding old men lying naked in your tent, this one will be your cup of joe too!

I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday. It was about a woman who can only fall in love with Brad Pitt when he's good looking or not a baby. She was pretty shallow!

I also watched Stand By Me because I have lots of time to do nothing because I write so quickly. I wonder what movies that Brower kid went on to star in later! That one guy went into space and that other guy fought vampires and that other guy WAS a vampire that got fought and that fat kid invented those tiny hamburgers that you can eat three or four of at a time without seeming like a fat hog. But what did the dead kid do later? I really need to find out. He was really good!

April 2nd, 2009

Wow! One of my readers already attempted to answer an Essay Question for Lyle's Literal Interpretation of The Bible Study Guide for Dumb Dumbs! Of course, that reader is my lazy assistant Pickle Boy! But at least he's trying! You can see his assignment here if you need an example of some mediocre school work.

April 1st, 2009

Study Guide Part Seven is up and running for anybody that is interested. Can everybody on the internet hear me? Is this thing on?

I would tell you about a movie I watched recently except every time I try to watch something on Netflix Inst-Streaming, it crashes my internet. I think Comcast is Special. And I'm using Special in the way people would use Retarded but apparently aren't allowed to anymore. But next week, you won't be able to call them Special either. When will it all end?

Oh yeah, if any of that offended anybody, um, April Fools! Ha ha! It was all a joke. Now if you're offended at me, it just shows that you have no sense of humor and a Popsicle stick up your butt. 

March 31st, 2009

Why is my audience so demanding? You can't make a Writer Write! You have to just give him cash and let him think stuff up while you give him more cash and possibly alcohol (except I don't drink because my father was a Tuna). But I put up a new Study Guide anyway. It isn't because of the whiners out there whining for new things to read, like Teleman and Pickle Boy. It was because while you can't make a Writer Write, you also can't stop a Writer from Writing! I Wrote that! So if you repeat it to anybody, you have to attribute that quote to me, Grunion Guy!

March 30th, 2009

Today, I played Diazepam on the Facebook wordplay game. I thought it was a proper noun but it took it anyway so I guess I was wrong or it was. But enough about me and how awesome a Writer I am even in kiddie word games. Let's move on to how smokin' awesome a Writer I am and let me tell you there is a new Study Guide up! Go read it!

March 29th, 2009

So I wrote another Study Guide because I just can't help writing things. You know, because I'm a Writer. It's like if you're a golfer, you always golf. Unless you don't make the cut on Friday and then you sit around crying in your tea and crumpets all weekend and watch the good golfers on television. So the new Study Guide is about Cain and Abel. They're these two fellows who get into some wild shenanigans that lead to murder! It's like an episode of Albert Hitchhike.

March 27th, 2009

Another new study guide is up! It's called The Fall of Man! Don't expect these to be done every day like this. I'm not a super hero! I mean, my super power doesn't involve writing quickly or not procrastinating. If this were a swimming website, it would get updated every minute, probably!

Plus, I have to have time to watch movies. I saw a Koren film called The Host today. It was sad but it was supposed to be happy or uplifting somehow. It was about these retarded people who have to fight a sea monster created from dumping formalded hides down a sink. And then a lot of people die including the one you think is going to be saved. But I won't tell you which one that is because that would spoil the movie! Also, I didn't mean saved. Um, I meant, the one who you didn't think would be eaten or some other verb that doesn't make it seem like it might be the little girl. Although it should be a word that could still indicate it is the little girl or else it would be too misleading.

March 26th, 2009

A new study guide is up! This one is about Adam and Eve!

I also watched the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead today. The one where they're in the mall? Boy! What a huge surprise twist ending! I can't believe that the main girl (the girl from that movie Go!) wasn't a vampire! Why would they put the fake horror movie teeth in her mouth for the whole film when she didn't end up being a werewolf? Or a zombie? Whatever those monsters were!

March 25th, 2009

I have a new section of the Web Site up! It's called Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs or something like that. Click on that link to see what it's called and then to read it! It already has one section written!

Also, you can pretend that I've been working on that all this time since February whatever that last dated entry says but I'd have to scroll down to see it right now and I'm too busy typing this stuff you're reading to to do that. I say pretend since what I was really doing was sleeping and playing video games! Oh, and I read a book!

Even though I'm a Writer and not a Reader, I still read a book called Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The book ends in a question mark! That wasn't me seeming unsure about the book I read! It was all about this guy who isn't sure if he likes his life or his robot sheep and then he shoots some things that aren't technickally alive and he wonders why he suddenly feels bad for killing them when he should feel the same way he would feel if he killed a toaster. And then he does one all hot and heavy and all the replications think that they've pulled one over on humanity but they don't understand humanity and that makes their belief totally wrong or something. And then the goat dies and I cried. But it all worked out somehow because of a plastic frog. I hope I didn't spoil it too much! There plenty of other bits I left out so you can be surprised by those parts. Like the fake owl!

February 17, 2009

Now that most everybody who isn't anybody doesn't have any television to watch because one year was not enough time to prepare (unless they pushed it back even longer because, in America, one year really isn't enough to prepare. I mean, really, we have things to do!), I've decided to post some of my old stories to entertain those people without entertainment! So click on the link to the left to go to my Stories Page! Or just go here to read Shoot Out in the Old West, a real page turner!

February 6, 2009

I just played my first game on my brand new Commodore 64 emulator! It was called Darksword and it sucked!

February 4, 2009

I'm downloading a C-64 Emulator right now. It's called Vice. I don't know if it's any good but maybe I can write a review for it later! I should find out what the name of that stupid Spectrum Emulator I was using is called because it is stupid and wouldn't let me finish the game I was playing. Maybe I should find a different one that will let me finish Mindshadow! That's a pretty good idea by me. Smart!

I'll do that later, though. My pipes are full of C-64 emulator right now. I have some other pipes that are full too! I have to go now!

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