Steven W. Pederson, Sherwin A. Steffin, and Edu-Ware Services, Inc.

Grunion Guy

Italicized phrases quoted directly from Space!

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Chapter 1: My Military Memoirs
Grunion Guy

(This is a Role Playing Game without a real walkthrough. This Walkthrough is just my first one or two or three times playing through the game.)

I wake up in my future bed wondering what exciting future decisions are ahead of me and how my super future mind will decide on the outcome of those decisions! I eat future eggs and future bacon for my future breakfast and then check my future mailbox which is probably something like email on my future phone or maybe it was just downloaded into my head as a dream since I just made up all of that other stuff about breakfast and waking up! What really happened was this letter just appeared before me:

To: Grunion Guy, Unclassified Child
From: Office of Military Selection
Subject: Enlistment/Induction to Earth Military Services

Pursuant to the powers vested in office of military selection, you are hereby directed to make yourself available to one of the six (6) units of military service listed below.

Failure to comply with this order within one dechour will result in an order for your arrest as a service fugitive.

Holy moley! What the heck is a dechour? It must either be a metric hour or a Gangster Frankenstein Nazi Mind Probe Hour Fakery Clock Lie. Either way, I'd better hurry up and register for my military service!

I have the choice of joining the Navy, the Marines, the Army, the Scouts, the Merchant Marines, or Kraft Services. I don't really know the difference between any of these military divisions, either in 1979 or in the future, so I think I'll be a Scout! That sounds easy and fun! I'll go on Space Camping Trips and cook Space Hot Dogs over Space Bonfires and earn Space Badges for doing cool and futuristic space things!

After choosing, another message instantly downloads into my face!

To: Grunion Guy, Trainee
From: Commander, Scouts
           Training Facility
Subject: Enlistment

Welcome to Scouts. The Scouts has a proud tradition, spanning many centears. All of the training staff feel certain you will come to share in our proud tradition.

Before beginning training you are to report to the medical facility to get a complete physical and psychological examination. The results of this exam will serve to best determine your training needs.

I hope this facility is in my head or in my future living room because this stupid mind letter didn't give me any directions! I hope I won't have to take off my space underwear for this examination! I'm also ignoring the fact that I don't know what a centear could possibly be!

Apparently, physical and psychological examinations in the future are instantaneous because after finishing that last letter, I'm given the option to check out the results of my examinations! I decide to look over my basic attributes first!

I'm 18! Awesome! I have 8 Strength which is a total lie since I'm sure I'm a lot stronger than that. And I have 12 Dexterity which is pretty close to the truth because even though I'm a super hero, I can be a bit clumsy on land! I have an 8 Endurance, probably because I'm big boned. I have a 9 Intelligence but that must be wrong since I can talk to fish and that makes me pretty smart. I have 11 Education and 12 Social Standing and if 12 is the highest number you can have, then those are exactly right! I hope 12 is the best you can be!

I check out my physical exam and nothing seems odd about it. But then I look at my psychological tests and they say "Subject is prone to extreme violence, and must be carefully controlled at all times." I think my psychological file might have been mixed up with Death Rock's! It does say my I.Q. is 131 though and I guess that's okay and it definitely isn't Death Rock's I.Q. since his is probably more like 60! Ha ha! Nobody tell him I said that!

After reviewing my exams, I get another letter that I'm to start training! Sheesh, when does this game begin? I decide to work on my personal development and notice they sneak Gun Combat into Personal Development even though that wasn't there when I checked out my statistics earlier! I better choose that because I want to kill aliens before they kill me! So I work on my Gun Combat during my first year of training. I also work on Gun Combat during my second year of training! I'm going to be a hot shot!

On my third year of training, I celebrate my 21st birthday unless you can start drinking earlier than that in the future which seems likely because it's probably a more dangerous place and/or people are smarter and understand drinking is cool and fun so you should start doing it much earlier. I also learn how to put on a Vacuum Suit so I can look hot at all the parties I'm going to start drinking at!

On my fourth year of training, I decide I want to be able to fly a star ship, so I try to learn to pilot! But apparently I'm too violent and unstable to learn piloting! Stupid psychiatric test! How am I going to get around in the future? They probably don't have cars that don't fly! I need my pilot's license! Well, since I seem to have anger issues, I decide to go into management! I choose to learn the Administrative side of things! But they won't let me train in that either! That's dumb! All of the managers and police chiefs I've ever seen in movies yell all of the time!

So after failing at being able to train, I try to train in Computers and I end up dying in a training accident! Wow! What a great game about the future! That was pretty exciting! I died during Character Creation!

So I decide to try Character Creation again and after one year of training, the game tells me my character is inferior and that I should try again! How many times am I going to have to do this?!

I guess at least one more! Here I go!

So I take my physical examination and learn a few things I didn't know about myself! Like the fact that I have a minor heart problem. And a, thankfully, correctable pulmonary problem. Also I have a minor deficit to my skeleto-muscular system. Oh, also I have gross neurological damage! Well, that's good this test showed I had so many problems! But the exam also showed that I'm legally blind and totally deaf! Wow, I should have already known that! But they're still accepting me into service except they suggest I'm unqualified for combat. The future is harsh!

Well, maybe my psychological profile won't be so bad. It's not! I'm normal and well-adapted for a blind, deaf, brain-damaged jerk with a bad heart and brittle bones! I should make a great General!

I decide to go right into Administrative since I can't really do anything else. I'm not even sure I can do that! But then again, I'm handicapable! I've got this covered. I try to enter the Professional Education Program and discover that I haven't had enough education!

Maybe I'll work on my personal development. I'm once again warned that my character is inferior but I'm going to stick with it because I'd like to try to play the game! Even if I am too stupid to learn and too weak to train!

I'm going to be a Jack O'Trades because that sounds like something someone in my condition could handle! M-O-O-N-, that spells Jack O'Trades!

I spend four years training as a Jack O'Lantern and then I'm 22 and ready for service! I get my first incoming brain-mail in four years!

To: Grunion Guy
From: Galactic Space Services, Dept. of Scouts
Re: Reenlistment/Retirement

Having successfully completed term #1 with the service to which you were assigned, you now have three choices available to you:


Addtional reenlistments entail cumulative risks of death or disabling injury!! Consider this before choosing.

Apparently even Brainmails can have typos! I still haven't even done any adventuring and the game is already warning me I should probably retire so that I don't die. Making decisions in the future is dangerous!

I decide to retire with material rewards because I can't imagine doing anything on my own and I need a nurse, a big bed, and a book. Wait, I'm blind, so I need an audio book! Oh, wait, I'm deaf too! I guess I need a book that you can read by licking it or sniffing it! They probably have those in the future. Except I don't want a book. I want a television that I can watch via smell.

But the galaxy is in a state of war and they won't let me retire anyway! So it's back to training!

I decide to continue my training as a Jack in the Box so that I can be the best Jack that ever Jacked in a box!

After 10 years of training and no adventuring at all, I'm allowed to retire with 6.42K in retirement benefits. I also get a bonus of 3.6K for a total of 10.02K in Galactic Credits! I hope that's enough for a hot nurse!

I have received an honorable discharge. The scouts thank me for a job well done.

I now enter Civilian Life! I think as a civilian, I get to actually play the game I wanted to play.

*** Character Creation takes place across the entire life of your military career. The longer you spend in Training, the higher the chance you may die during Character Creation. But the longer you spend in training, the better your Character becomes and the richer he'll be when you finally enter civilian life and are ready to go adventuring. 10.02K isn't anywhere near enough money to do anything with later in the game. Except explore. Or fight. And as you can see from this character, fighting isn't really an option. Although, as you'll read later, I try it out anyway!

*** Character Creation is so random that many times you'll have a decent character started and then he'll die in training or they'll just start you with a character that has so many flaws, it isn't even worth pursuing. So if you're more interested in making characters than playing a game, this is the game for you!

*** You need to retire with at least 450K in Galactic Credits (or make that much while Exploring, Defending, or First Blooding) for a down payment on a Small Scout Ship if you want to play the Trader Scenario. More if you want the bigger ship.

*** You probably need to retire with at least 1 Million Galactic Credits (and possibly more) if you want to go straight into the world of High Finance. Except the world of High Finance is extremely dangerous for some reason. So be careful out there!

Chapter 2: The Now Third Person High Finance Life of Grunion Guy

After ten years of military service, Grunion Guy retired at what may or may not be a ripe old age in the future. He was 28. He was also deaf and blind and retarded. He suffered from heart, lung, and disabling muscular problems. But he was ready for a life of adventure! He had spent his years in military service learning how to be a Jackman. He wasn't really fit for fighting or space exploration or anything, really.

"I must choose a path that my life will choose for the future duh path life what?" he said to himself but couldn't hear himself and he never made any sense anyway so it didn't really matter. That made him perfect for going into Finance!

Grunion Guy downloaded the Gallactica Investment Services, Unltd. Brain Portfolio for year 5655, First Quarter.

Everything looked great and it looked like a lot of money could be made in the markets! But apparently Grunion Guy had retired with pocket change because he couldn't even buy one share of any company.

Chapter 3:  The Trading Life of Grunion Guy

Since Grunion Guy wasn't wealthy enough to play in the world of High Finance, he decided to become a space faring trader. He went off to buy a ship and was denied a loan because he had retired with only 10,000 Galactic Credits and he needed at least 450,000 Galactic Credits for a down payment on a small Scout Ship.

It looked like he was going to have to earn some money as a civilian if he was going to be able to make money as a civilian! So he decided to go into hand to hand combat. Even though he was physically unfit for it. Completely.

Chapter 4: Mortal Combat

Grunion Guy was transported to a large prairie where he was to face off against his Adversary. Grunion Guy was not skilled in anything but Jacking, so he chose Unarmed Combat. He chose a leather suit for protection because he wanted to look cool.

Grunion Guy strode across the prairie, ready to defend himself against his unknown assailant. Grunion Guy couldn't hear or see anything but he knew he had to defend himself somehow! He decided the best way to defend himself was with a counterattack since he wouldn't know what was going on until he was actually attacked. And then maybe, if the wind was just right and his adversary's smell was distinct, he might have a chance at locating him and getting him in a sleeper hold for victory!

Grunion Guy stood sniffing the wind when a fist smashed against the side of his face! Grunion Guy flailed blindly and connected with his unknown adversary's jaw! Both combatants showed minor signs of injury!

Grunion Guy tasted the air by sticking his tongue out and waited. The Adversary kicked him in the groin and Grunion Guy fell forward. He grabbed a rock by his hand and threw it ahead of him. Grunion Guy smelled a solid thump and he tasted that his Opponent groaned in pain.

Grunion Guy felt the fight was going fairly well since he was blind and deaf and stupid! Everything seemed fairly even and then Grunion Guy felt a blow to the back of his neck. Grunion Guy let out a loud gasp and fell face first in the dust. He lay unmoving as his Adversary began kicking him in the ribs.

Grunion Guy shouted, "Gddommphlefleh!" as he was repeatedly assaulted. Grunion Guy tried to get up but his arms wouldn't work. He kicked his legs spastically as his Opponent began beating him on the head with something hard and solid. Perhaps it was a boot. Or a fist. Or a bat. Who could tell? Not the blind, deaf, retarded guy who was dying on the prairie floor.

Grunion Guy's last thoughts as the life was beaten out of him were, "Who would allow the military to recruit a deaf, dumb, blind, weak retard with a heart and lung condition? The future and its decisions sure are hard!"

Then Grunion Guy died.


Copyright 2006 NA!P