Aztec Tomb Adventure
A Crowther

Grunion Guy

Italicized phrases quoted directly from Aztec Tomb Adventure

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Continue the adventure in Aztec Tomb Revisited, the Walkthrough!


Grunion Guy

Since the name of this game, I mean story, is 'Aztec Tomb Adventure', I'm going to make a giant assumption that the hero of the story is me and I'm an Adventuring Archaeologist. We start mid-story with me in a strange (or familiar?) Dining Room...

I see a Dining Room that someone painted black.

The decor in my Dining Room is a bit eccentric. Perhaps I'm a cutting edge experimental artist since the ladder in my Dining Room doesn't seem to actually go anywhere or do anything. The table seems a bit dusty so I guess I don't normally eat here.

I can see that there is an exit to the south although I really, really, really want to climb that ladder! Perhaps I'm a crippled Adventuring Archaeologist! I can't climb the ladder because of that accident in Egypt with the rolling boulder trap and the greedy, no-good, unloyal henchman! So instead of climbing the ladder like I really, really want to, I roll


into the Hall where I discover I must be Jewish!

That's a might big Menorah!

I also should do something about that tree growing through the wall. Although the stocks hanging from the wall add a feeling of Authority to the whole place.

I also realize that I'm pretty apathetic because whenever I try to just leave a place, I respond with an "Eh". Fiddling with the tree and the menorah doesn't accomplish anything, so I head


into the bedroom.

Did someone steal the draw from my drawser?

I'm confronted with my bed and my dresser which I lovingly refer to as my 'draw'. I 


because I must also be Russian. Studying the bed, I notice a trapdoor in the floor which I should have known about but didn't! The only explanation would be that THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE! So I'm actually a Crippled Russian Apathetic Adventuring Archaeologist who loves breaking into Jewish homes! I hope I'm not deranged! That might explain the ladder though. It would be cruel of myself to have that in my own house where I'd have to look at it every day over breakfast and longing to climb it to see what was at the top of it.

I examine the draw just in case it might be booby-trapped and notice that it will open! Well, I guess I should


After opening the drawer, most people would naturally look inside to discover its contents but not me! No, I'm apathetic, remember? Eh. The drawer is open. Ho-hum. But I should probably look inside anyway so I


and find a key! That will probably come in handy so I


I wonder if the trapdoor leads to the Aztec Tomb so I spend a number of turns typing lots and lots of logical directions to get me inside that trapdoor but they all fail. Then I remember I'm Russian and should probably speak like an ESL Russian if I'm going to get anything done. So I


and find myself in the cellar!

and I can't get out!

There is a Red Cloak here and a bird house hanging from the ceiling. I take a close look at the cloak and feel a sense of power! Well, I should probably


I search the cellar for any secret passages or hidden items but don't seem to find anything. Shrugging, I figure I like power like every other Russian from the Eighties, so I decide to


Feeling more confident about my ability to search for things, I once again


and this time I find something! A small key that wasn't there before! Perhaps I knocked it loose from the cloak when I put it on. Or maybe the cloak gives me the power to see invisible or very small keys? I


and head back


to the bedroom looking pretty stylish in my Red Communist Cloak of Spotting Tiny Items. Once out of the cellar, I have a sudden Russian brainstorming moment and decide to go


into the Hall and then


into the Dining Room. I summon up all of my Russian Speak and


Suddenly, I'm in a Loft!

Why couldn't I CLIMB LADDER? Does this count as a puzzle?

Well, that made a lot of sense! I guess I'm not crippled! I just have a problem with the English language. In the loft, I see an old chest! I decide to


and head back


the ladder and then


into the front Hall. Seeing as how I can spot lots of cool stuff with my Cloak (and some stuff without my cloak but why not try with my cloak on all the time now? I hope it doesn't have limited charges!), I


and discover an empty jam jar. I


because you never know when you'll need an empty jam jar to carry water around! Breaking out my sweet Door Key, I


and it opens! What a shock! I


and find I've escaped the house! I'm on a path in front of a building which is probably my house but might be somebody else's house because the game just says I can see a building. Not MY HOUSE. A building. Like I just stumbled upon the place.

Now that I've left the house, I wonder if I'll need to solve the problem of getting a taxi to the airport, buying plane tickets to Mexico, hiring a guide, and eventually discovering the Aztec Tomb! This isn't an adventure! It's worse than The Sims! I can't even close or lock the door to the house before I leave, so I really hope it does belong to somebody else.

Before heading down the path, I realize I'm tired of lugging this chest everywhere so I


and a Sword and a Rope fall out of it! I figure I don't need these keys anymore, so I



I also


for good measure although I'm worried that I might need it for something later. Well, I'll just try to remember that I left it out in the open in front of my house which I left unlocked with the door wide open. I



before heading off down the path which hopefully leads to that Aztec Tomb I've heard so much about. But before heading on toward adventure, I notice the interesting chimney on the roof of the Jewish guy's house and


to check it out. I wonder why I was able to climb the building which doesn't really seem to make sense but I couldn't climb the ladder earlier? I think I was right about being handicapped but wrong about it being physical.

It's a cobblestone roof.

Once on the roof, it's nowhere near as interesting as I thought it was but there is a piece of wood sitting up here. I


and try yanking some bricks out of the chimney but I'm not powerful enough to do that. I head back


to the ground. Believing I've finally done everything I can (except I'm sure I should have taken the Table somehow too but was too retarded to think how), I finally head


towards adventure! 

Maybe I should kill and eat those deer!

And I find myself beside a stream. Eh. Well, this could be troublesome! I might have to jump it or cross over on some well placed but slippery rocks. I decide to cross it since it is only a stream and not a raging river or anything. That's the moment I discover that I can't swim even though I thought I would just be wading! I end up drowning a little bit but thanks to Save Games, it really just ended up being a bad dream or a near drowning fit. I wake up along the banks of the swift and dangerous stream along with the realization that I can't swim. I'm starting to see why the cliché of having memory loss was used so often with these stupid games. It doesn't make sense to suddenly not know you can't swim and then you drown! Especially when the dumb game presents the raging river as a stream!

Maybe I can make a raft, I think, with my rope and my piece of wood that I carried down from the roof. But I can't figure out the proper English way of making a raft. So instead, I think like an adventure game! The stream isn't really small but large and dangerous! So maybe the small piece of wood that I found on the roof and was able to carry as I climbed down the side of the building is actually a giant, bridge sized piece of lumber! I


and discover I'm a genius when I think like a 1980's graphical text adventure author!

Instead of crossing my newly formed bridge, I decide to see what lies to the


because there could be an Aztec Tomb in my backyard! But instead all I find is a garden with a pool in it!

Maybe this should have been called Walk Around My House Adventure? I guess since I'm here, I should


and see a fish! Wow! That's the best thing I've seen in a game so far! Being that my alter-ego is Grunion Guy, Water Super Hero and Fish Talker, I decide to talk to the fish and get some information about the Aztec Tomb because Fish know a lot of things that most people don't know at all.

"Hello, Mr. Fish," I call out. He just swims around nonchalantly. He probably can't here me from way out here on dry land! Not wanting to be mean but needing some information, I gently


in the jam jar! He's so cute and sweet! I


and he talks to me! He says, "Plants need water and vanishes!" Hmm, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's probably the best advice I'll get in this whole story!

"Thank you, Mr. Fish", I say as I'm about to release him back into the pool but notice he's already departed. Knowing that I should never ignore a fish's advice, I


so that I'll have the water to water a plant later! I head back to the


where my bridge over the tiny stream has been built. I


and wind up in a Field with a long iron fence.

I'm not in an Aztec Tomb.

I figure I'd better search the field just like everywhere else but I don't find anything. I wander off to the


only to discover more field with a dead mouse. Now I'm sad. And disgusted because I probably have to carry this dead mouse around to solve some puzzle in the future. I sigh and


before heading back to the

NORTH and then


where I am confronted by an angry bull standing in front of a gate that I probably need to get by!

It's one of those half-undead MC Escher type bulls.

"Hello, Mr. Bull. Can I please pass through?" I ask him politely. But he won't let me pass because he's just too darn angry! I could probably kill him with my sword but I'm already depressed about the dead mouse and I'm probably a Communist Pacifist unlike that Mindshadow game where I was a Violent Capitalist.

Perhaps solving this problem will take a bit of research so I look up 'Angry Bull' on Wikipedia to get a hint.

Hmm. That didn't help any. But that's probably the source image for the Aztec Tomb Bull! It's practically identical if you just imagine the Wikipedia picture pixelated and reduced to 8 bits. Or 4 bits maybe!

The cartoons of the mid to late 20th century led me to believe that bulls were angered by the color red, so I suspect my Red Cloak is upsetting the bull a bit. So I


and try to get past but the bull is still mad! So I


to get rid of it completely and it comes to rest in next field! Look at that! I even think in Russian English! Now maybe I can sneak by. I


and I'm through! I find myself in a field of manure where a tiny little Charlie Brown tree is growing next to my discarded Red Cloak. I remember what the fish told me, so I


and it begins to grow! But nothing really changes so I probably need to make it grow more. I need more water to do that. I head

NORTH and then


where I can see a bit of the raging stream. I


and head back to water my plant some more. So I trudge off


GO GATE, and


one more time. Wow! It grows into a giant BEANSTOLK!

I suppose I'm supposed to suppose to climb it, so I


and go beanstolk! Oh, sorry! 'Go' doesn't work this time. I guess I


and end up at the top of a BEANSTORK?!

Did the Beanstolk bring me to Elephant Heaven?

Waiting for me at the top of the Beanstork is a railroad and a dead elephant (as you can see from the picture).

I guess this game was based on Looney Tunes cartoons because I also know, from cartoons, that elephants are scared of mice! And what would scare a Dead Elephant more than a Dead Mouse? Possibly a living lion but how should I know? I'm not a paleobiolozoogist. I


and the elephant runs off in shock! I thought shock was supposed to make people freeze up? I guess elephants are more differenter from people than I thought. Also, English is hard when you're trying to think like an 80's Bond Villain! I pick up the mouse before I


because I've named him Slinky and become super attached to the little fellow.

Walking along the path, I saw a valley below me. I would post a picture of it here but I should probably save something for people who actually want to play the game. Especially this picture since it is by far the best of the bunch. I


and suddenly I'm in a valley! I feel like someone just threw a dead mouse at me! I decide to head


and find myself by a tree. How descriptive and interesting. A tree in elephant heaven! I wonder what wonders might be hiding in this tree.

I try to go tree but can't. I try to go up but can't. I try to climb the tree but find the tree is too slippy! Well, I have a rope, so that should help. I


and it catchers, it's secure! Now I can see a hanging rope here, so maybe the next step is to kill myself since I'm currently in heaven anyway. I still want to live so instead I just


and end up in a treehouse where a dwarf is currently living with his box.

Why is a dwarf living in a tree? And why does it look more like an Elf or a Gnome or a tiny, slumbering vampire?

Unless he's a Box-Dwarf?

I try to take his box because everything in an adventure game is ultimately mine (especially since I currently have a sword on me!). But he wants something in return!

I don't have much on me that I'm willing to part with so I


figuring it's got to still be useful for something since the game probably wanted me to leave it behind instead of throwing it past the bull! It works! The Dwarf vanishes! Either it disintegrated him or he teleported away now that he was happy. I'm now able to


and head back


to the ground. I'll probably still need my rope so I


and head back


Once back at the valley, I head


and find myself overlooking a small harbour.

I'm curious about what is in my box but I think I'll wait until I'm on that little boat to check it out since it might give me inventory problems! I


and I find myself on a pier next to a boat with a mound of radioactive waste far off across the lake.

The boat seems to be called the 'S1' which I think is a clue that it will take me to the 'Tomb of Horrors' or THE AZTEC TOMB! I'm nearly there! I board the boat, I mean, I


and find that I'm on a boat!

I hope I know how to sail one of these things. I decide to


and discover a map inside! That should help me. I


and find that it actually isn't any help at all!

But it does at least mention the Aztec Tomb I've spent all this time searching for! I also


hoping to find a motor or some galley slaves but find that it has a Cabin and a Dinghy instead! I have no idea what the Dinghy is for but I figure I should


just to check it out. Inside the cabin is a torch and lots and lots of storage space for all of the valuables I'm going to find while in the Aztec Tomb! I


and I drop Slinky in here also. Maybe he can unlive in the box. Then I



Back on the deck, I sail


where I notice a cute little island in the distance. Or perhaps right next to me since I seem to be able to


without drowning or needing a small piece of wood. The island seems to be home to a tree trunk and a square hole cut in the ground. Since I can't go tree or climb tree, I decide to


and am nearly devoured by a Grue! I


and see that I'm in a small cave where some poor and adventurous pirate stowed his Life Jacket. I


WEAR JACKET, and head back



and begin sailing around the lake. I sail


EAST, and


and wind up beside some tall cliffs. Climbing cliffs should be easy since I have my amazing rope that catchers and secures itself by just throwing it around! I throw rope and whaddya know?! It CATCHERS! But I can't reach it from the deck of the boat so I guess I know what the Dinghy is for now! I go dinghy and end up in this cute little purple inflatable thing. I think it's inflatable.

It looks inflatable! But I still can't reach that stupid rope! I notice a cord keeping the dinghy attached to the boat but I'm afraid to cut it because I might get set adrift and crash into the rocks and die!

I try to launch the dinghy from every position in the lake and my fate is always the same! This game, I mean story, is so unfair and it's driving me crazy! I might as well just kill myself and get this whole stupid mess over with since I never even found the dumb Aztec Tomb which I thought I was going to be adventuring inside. So I climb up on the edge of the boat and


the side, hoping to dash my brains against the rocks and drown myself. As I'm about to hit the water, I suddenly have second thoughts plus I have some third thoughts where I realize I'm the greatest Water Super Hero ever and have absolutely no hope of drowning when I splash into the water! I sink under for a second and then bob back up to the surface! PHEW! Lucky I was wearing my lifejacket! I think out loud to myself.

Even though I didn't know how to swim earlier, who can't swim in a life jacket? I start to


for shore, away from that eerie glow on the horizon.

I see a beach and try not to wonder where the high cliffs and the deadly rocks went as I


and finally find myself on ATZEC GROUND!

That was quite the journey from my quiet little suburban home to the wild Mexican frontier where spell checkers don't exist. It looks like the tomb is just across this grassy field but I see a forest, somewhere, apparently, and have no other way to go. So I


and instantly become lost.

Really? Were those two little black line drawing trees in the previous picture supposed to represent this?!

But I have the map from the dwarf, so I know I'm supposed to go


from here! I quickly emerge from the stupid forest which should probably really be a jungle and discover an authentic ATZEC STATUE!

I think those are normal sized trees next to it, so I


because I just can't get enough of climbing things ever since I couldn't climb that dumb ladder. At the top of the statue, I naturally find a diamond that was being used as the top of its head, making it look like a really ritzy graduate or maybe just Lord Dimwit Flathead.

Unless the diamond was really being used for his eye. Wherever it is, I


and climb back


the statue. I then drag my tired butt


where I'm confronted by a giant wall. Of course I can't climb it, so I do the other thing that I've been doing my whole adventure to solve just about every single puzzle. I


and I notice an empty socket. And the socket is shaped like a diamond! I


and a passage opens in the wall! But I've lost my diamond! That was probably a really valuable archaeological find! But it has opened up the Tomb for me! At least, I hope this is the tomb! I


in preparation for the moment I've been waiting for all game! My Aztec Tomb Adventure is about to begin! I


and find that I'm finally in the TOMB! And Aztec is spelled correctly!

And, hey, wait! What's this?! You have completed your first mission! Continue your mission in Aztec Pt. 2. RAT TURDS! I've been suckered! I didn't get to have an Aztec Tomb Adventure at all! Why didn't that lousy A. Crowther name this game Search for the Aztec Tomb? What a jerk.

Continued in Aztec Tomb Revisited, the Walkthrough!

Copyright 2006 NA!P






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