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CHAPTER FIFTY
TWO
Jacob dwells in Canaan where they do not know Isaac. At least, they don't seem to remember the time he dug up all of those wells, anyway. Joseph is 17 years old. Joseph's brothers write a book report about evil. Joseph tattles on his brothers. Jacob loves Joseph the most because Joseph is the son of his old age. Israel makes Joseph a Technicolor Dream Coat which is really just a stupid raggedy coat made of a bunch of old scraps. Joseph's brothers are jealous because Israel didn't make them dumb jackets. Joseph's brothers hate Joseph. Joseph has a dream and tells it to his brothers. Joseph's brothers hate him even more because his dream was thus: Joseph and his brothers were binding sheaves when Joe's sheave stood upright and his brother's sheaves made obeisance to it. Joseph's brothers say, "Really? You think you're going to have dominion over us? Pee-shaw!" Joseph has another dream that makes him look cool and eagerly runs off to tell his brothers about it! Joseph's dream this time: the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to him. Joseph's brothers continue to hate him. Joseph tells his father the second dream. Israel rebukes Joseph and says, "Really? Me and your mom and your brothers are going to bow down to you?" Joseph's brothers continue to be totally jealous.
STUDY QUESTIONS! Why is Jacob's father a stranger in the land of Canaan? Does that just mean he's a believer in a land of blasphemers? Because it would seem he'd be really well-known after fleecing Abimelech of lots of possessions with the old wife is my sister routine. And of course, the digging up half the land looking for water thing. But I just wanted to make a joke about him being a stranger when he's obviously not a stranger so I ignored the intended meaning of the word. The Bible is fun that way! Unless Gerar is not in Canaan. Who can tell with all the differing facts on the internet? Someone needs to fact check that thing! If the reason Jacob loves Joseph is because Joseph is the son of Jacob's old age, what about Benjamin? Was Jacob too old to remember Benjamin? Does it go without saying that Jacob hated Benjamin because Benjamin killed Rachel by exploding out of her womb like a big jerk? No wonder Benjamin is such a manipulative rat! Sayid should have killed him when he had the chance! Except, Benjamin is probably a manipulative rat because Sayid tried to kill him when he had the chance when Benjamin was a boy! Oh, the paradoxes of time travel! Is Joseph dim? Can he not tell that his brothers hate him? The Bible says they hate him so much that they can't speak peaceably with him. Doesn't that mean he'd walk up to one and say, "Good morning!" and his brother would say, "Go stick your head in a donkey's butt!" So why does he tell them his dream? Does he just like rubbing it in that he's somehow better than the rest of them because he's the son of the woman Jacob really loved and also he didn't kill her like stupid Benji did? Did "lo, my sheaf arose, and also stood upright; and, behold, your sheaves stood round about" sound dirty to you too? And sort of gay? Jacob interprets the sun and the moon of Joseph's second dream as being the mother and father. But there are eleven stars. Why would Jacob include Rachel in the group bowing down to Joseph? Eleven stars equals eleven brothers which equals Rachel is dead. Or is the moon supposed to represent Leah or Bilhah or Zippo or whichever wife now regards herself as Joseph's caretaker? Do you think Joseph's brothers hated Joseph because of the contents of his dreams? Or do you think they were just bored to tears by Joseph telling them his stupid dreams every single day? Or maybe they were jealous that they didn't have such exciting dreams as little Joey? Is that sexist to assume that the moon represents Rachel and the sun represents Jacob? Or is that just common knowledge? Does the sun represent man because it provides nourishment and is very bright? And the moon represents women because it's nice to look at? Isn't Joseph just a little arrogant bastard? I wonder if he only told his brothers the dreams that made him look like a big shot? What about dreams where he has sex with the goat or where he runs around naked except for his beautiful many coloured coat?
Coats of Many Colours
HISTORICAL FACTS Dolly Parton had a coat of many colours too because she was poor and loved to sing about how poor she was. She was also forced to eat hard candy on holidays. If the moon didn't exist, women would not menstruate. 'I Had a Dream, Joe' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds is a really good song that seems appropriate to mention here for some reason. Bonus Points: it includes the line 'A shadowy Jesus flitted from tree to tree'. Little Joseph McIntyre from New Kids on the Block once had a dream that the other four members of the group bowed down in obeisance to him. So he told it to the group and started acting like the most important member of New Kids. So Donny Wahlberg got his little brother to beat him up. Pickle Boy can't even be bothered to come up with at least one obscure fact a day. I have to bug him once a week and then maybe he'll come up with one or two and think he's done a good job! Sheaves in the King James Bible is just an old Englishy way of saying sheep. So Joseph and his brothers were binding sheep in his dream. People who haven't really read The Bible think that reading The Bible will make a person believe in God and Jesus. People who have read The Bible realize the exact opposite is actually true.
Choose one. A.
Describe the last meal you had. Now pretend you've died. Was it worth
it?
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture of Joseph's coat of many colours. Remember that the colours were probably really just a bunch of different shades of brown.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? Dreams which make you out to be important are true visions from God. While other dreams where you're lost in a department store or falling off of a cliff are just silly nonsense. |
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