Printable Version

 CHAPTER FIFTY THREE
Joseph Sold to Merchants, Genesis 37:12 - 37:36.

THE FACTS!

Joseph's brothers go to Shechem to feed their father's flock.

Israel says to Joseph, "Hey, why aren't you with your brothers feeding my flock?"

Joseph says, "I'm here!"

Israel says, "Um, yeah, I noticed. Now go check on your brothers and let me know if they're goofing off."

Joseph leaves Hebron and heads to Shechem where a certain, quite specific man finds him wandering in a field.

The man says, "What are you looking for, kid?"

Joseph says, "I'm looking for my brothers where they feed the flocks!"

The man says, "Oh, those guys. I heard them say they were headed to Dothan, if you know what I mean." Not knowing what the old man meant, Joseph skips merrily to Dothan.

As Joseph approaches, his brothers see him and say, "Hey! I know! Let's kill Joseph!" They all agree.

Then one brother says to another brother, "Behold, the dreamer cometh."

And another brother says to a different brother, "Behold, the dreamer cometh."

And that one brother says to some other brother, "Behold, the dreamer cometh."

And the phrase, "Behold, the dreamer cometh", is spoken 107 more times as each brother says it to each other brother.

Then one of the brothers says, "Let's make it look like one of those evil beasts dad is always going on about devoured him and then we'll see what happens to his dreams!"

But Reuben hears all of this conspiracy talk and suggests that they not kill Joseph, so maybe Reuben wasn't actually one of the 'them' conspiring against Joseph earlier. So you should reread that part about "Behold, the dreamer cometh" being spoken 107 times as having been spoken only 87 more times.

Reuben suggests that they throw Joseph in a pit and let him die there. Then they can return Joseph's body to their father without it looking like murder and with their hands, technically, clean.

So Joseph runs spastically up to his brothers who proceed to steal his coat of many colours and throw him in a pit that has no water in it.

The brothers decide to eat some bread after their game with Joseph.

While eating, they notice some gunslingers from Gilead with spicery and other things to sell to Egypt.

Judah, probably thinking how long it's going to take before stupid Joseph starves in the waterless pit, says, "You know, how is this scheme going to make us any money? Sure, we're doing it because we're all envious of Joseph's gift and annoyed that he flaunts it every morning at breakfast, but these Ishmeelites have given me an idea! Let's sell him!"

The brothers feel good about this plan of action.

Meanwhile, some Midianites pass by the pit and see Joseph. "Hey! Look, a perfectly good boy-man! Let's take him and sell him to those Ishmeelites over there!" So the Midianites pull Joseph from the pit and sell him to the Ishmeelites for twenty pieces of silver.

The Ishmeelites take Joseph to Egypt.

Reuben heads back to the pit to fetch Joseph but finds him gone. Reuen tears off his clothes in frustration.

Reuben returns to his brothers and says, "I don't know where Joseph is and I don't know where I'm going!"

So the brothers kill a goat and smear its blood all over Joseph's coat of many colours.

Then the brothers take the coat to Jacob and say, "Hey, dad. Does this look like Joseph's coat?"

Israel says, "Oh no! That is surely my favorite boy's coat! He must have been devoured by an evil beast!" The brothers wink at each other.

Israel tears off his clothes in mourning and puts a sack over his genitals.

Everyone tries to comfort Jacob or Israel or whatever God is currently calling him but he refuses to be comforted and goes to weep in a grave.

Joseph is sold down the river in Egypt to the Pharaoh's chief executioner, Potiphar.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why does Israel keep his flock in Shechem? Do you think Dinah flinches every time anyody mentions the field where the flock are being kept? Is this some sort of weird vengeance across generations ritual? Since Israel can't punish Shechem any more because he's been killed by Simeon and Levi, is he trying to punish him by having his sheep poop all over his grave and the graves of his family and people? I like to think so.

Why isn't Joseph off tending the sheep with his brothers? Why does he get special treatment? If he was the youngest, it might make a little bit of sense. But Benjamin is off working too! No wonder the other brothers want to kill Joseph. And not only is he not working with them, Israel is using him to spy on them and tattle if they're not doing their jobs.

Could Joseph be retarded? It sounds like he's three years old in this chapter. He's hyperactive so his dad has to tell him to 'come here' so that he can 'send him' somewhere else. It's like a father yelling at his kid running in circles so the kid will pay attention. And then Joseph yells, "I am here!" when he's obviously there if he's standing in front of his dad to tell him he's there. And then that old man finds Joseph chasing butterflies in the field and has to remind him what he was up to. What a little prat.

Did Jacob go blind somewhere along the way and I forgot or skipped that part? It would make Joseph seem less retarded if it were true. And less of a daddy's boy since Israel would then need somebody to help him around the house and to tell him if his kids were actually tending to the flock (which may or may not even exist!) instead of goofing off in Dothan while the sheep get themselves eaten by wolves.

Where is Dothan? It definitely isn't Shechem! So why are the brothers there? I guess the field where Joseph ends up wandering is probably Shechem except there are no sheep. Do the brothers just tell Israel that he has a flock in Shechem and just use it as an excuse to get away for awhile? And do they never invite Joseph because he's such a little daddy's boy? Is that why Israel was wondering why Joseph wasn't with his brothers?

Is Dothan the place kids go to score drugs and score with women (and by women, I mean prostitutes)? No wonder the brothers want to kill Joseph when they see him coming! They know they've been busted and the little tattletale is going to report back to Israel that they're all a bunch of irresponsible failures.

Doesn't it seem a little rash that the brother's first plan to stay out of trouble is to kill their brother? Is Israel that much of a hard ass that they'd be willing to commit fratricide to stay out of his line of fire? Is this the first instance in human history of digging a shallow grave when they discuss the pit they're going to throw Joseph into? Or did Cain dig a shallow grave way back in the beginning of time? Cain was a farmer so he probably knew what good composting material Abel would be.

Why does Reuben want to keep from killing Joseph? Is it because he's the eldest and wisest among them? Or is it because he's the only one over thirty-three and thus can be tried for murder as an adult? Although, really, Reuben's plan is also to kill Joseph while keeping the blood off of their hands directly. Throwing him in a pit to starve isn't exactly a great defense to a murder charge.

Why do they take Joseph's coat before throwing him in the pit? It seems like a bad idea if they're going to disappear him. Why keep some evidence that he's been in contact with them just prior to going missing? Of course, if you already know how the story ends, it ends up being a good thing that they kept the coat so they could throw blood on it and convince their dad that he was devoured. Isn't that a bit convenient? Possibly contrived?

Why is it so important to proclaim that there is no water in the pit? Is it to make clear to the reader that Joseph isn't going to drown? Were pits usually filled with water? Wouldn't that have made it a well? Then they'd be in Beerdothan!

Do you like the word 'spicery' as much as I do? My next pet is going to be named Spicery. Don't steal that, jerk!

Why are the Ishmeelites called Ishmeelites and not Gileadeans?

Why is Judah suddenly so concerned with profiting from their brother's demise? Wasn't the profit being rid of the spying, annoying, dreaming little runt and to not get in trouble with dad for pretending to tend to sheep while partying in Dothan? Is Judah really greedy or is he just having second thoughts? He does seem to be having a guilty moment about them killing their own brother. Is his heart interfering with the plan? That's the problem when you have eleven guys involved in your murder plans! That's ten other mouths that you have to rely on to stay shut so that you don't get into trouble!

Those Midianites must be the best merchants in the world! Who else would see a guy in a pit and think, "Hey! I can save this guy and make a profit at the same time!"? What a bunch of greedy jerks.

How many times have you torn off your clothes in frustration or grief? Why do you think Reuben was so angry? Was it because his brother escaped and he might tell on them? Was it because he is losing out on all the money to be made in the slave trade? Is it because he can't even murder somebody correctly and is going to have to make his name later in life by inventing a gross sandwich?

Why does Reuben ask his brother where he should go when he reports back that Joseph is missing? Is he already throwing in the towel and going on the lam? Or is it lamb? And speaking of lamb, where are those stupid sheep?

Why does a poor goat have to die? I was actually behind the whole murder plot up until that point! Where did they get the goat? Was it just wandering by? They could have used a sheep if they'd remembered where they left them. Does this have anything to do with the phrase 'to get someone's goat'?

Isn't it amazing how the plan came together? Their original plan was to make Israel think an evil beast had devoured Joseph and Israel comes to that conclusion all by himself! Those guys really know their father!

So Jacob rents his clothes too! I mean, he tears them, he doesn't pay to wear them for a limited amount of time. Could it this renting thing be genetic? Is there a gene that makes people tear off their clothes when they're angry? Is Bruce Banner a decendant of Israel?

Is the act of placing a sackcloth on your genitals a proper way to mourn or just some crazy antic to show that Israel has lost his mind from loss? Did sackcloth get its name because it's a cloth you put on your sack?

Does Israel refuse to be comforted just to show the rest of the kids that Joseph was his favorite? I bet he would have been comforted if Benjamin had been killed. It seems like the kind of thing a vindictive and controlling parent might do.

Sometimes artists can't tell that their art is bad. But the person looking at the art on the wall can tell it's really bad, especially when it's priced at 120 dollars.

Pickle Boy's Obscure Facts #5 of 1000: Obscure Facts are hard to make up. I mean, research.

Dolly Parton only sang about her coat of many colours because she had to convince herself that she liked the ratty old thing and that her mother loved her or else she'd just remember that she was really just poor and depressed. Who wants to sit around in a stitched-up coat eating hard candy at Christmas while Jolene is out with your boyfriend?

The world (and politics) would be more entertaining if more people tore their clothes off when they were overwhelmed with emotion.

This Chapter was written after Chapter Fifty Four and Chapter Fifty Five because I hadn't noticed that I missed the chapter where Joseph was thrown in a hole.

If I had more readers, somebody would have emailed me to point out my mistake.

A. Do you think Joseph got what he deserved? Why? Why not?
B. If you wanted to get away with murder, how would you go about it? Explain in precise detail.
C. What kind of evil beast do you think Israel believes killed Joseph? Why judge a beast as evil? Does he believe it wasn't a normal animal but a Chupacabra or a Werewolf? What do you think?

DRAWING TIME!

Draw a picture of the Evil Beast that supposedly devoured Joseph.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If somebody is annoying or pretentious or favoured by someone you love over you or liberal or an abortion doctor or any number of other reasons, petty or not, then it is okay to kill that person. Or maybe not actually kill them The Bible shows the brothers reconsider this position because it might be kind of wrong. So maybe it's okay to just throw them in a pit. Well, maybe not that either, since, again, The Bible shows the brothers reconsidered this option as well. At the very least, it's okay to sell that person into slavery.