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CHAPTER FORTY
ONE
After Joseph is born, Jacob says to Laban, "I want to go home!" Jacob says to Laban, "Give me my wiveth and thonth and daughter and let me go for I have therved thee ath I thaid I would and have therved thee in good thtead." Laban replies, "No way! Stick around! We make a great team. Tell me what you want me to pay you and it's yours." Jacob says, "Puh-leath! You know how it wath before I came here! You had little and becauthe of me, you now have a lot. When am I to provide for my own family?" Laban says, "Gosh! Do you want a sweet ride for your wages?" Jacob says, "Give me nothing if you will only agree to the following: I will watch and keep your flock. But firtht, I will go amongtht them and remove all of the brown sheep and all of the thpeckled and thpotted goatth and the thpeckled and thpotted cowth." Jacob continues, "Tho in time, that shall be my hire and I shall amath my fortune by keeping all of the non-thtandard cattle. Any goatth or cowth that are not thpeckled or thpotted and any brown sheep shall be conthidered thtolen. You know, if I try to keep them." Laban totally agrees. Even though The Bible just said Jacob was going to go around and remove all of the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep, it doesn't think to say Laban did this in the next paragraph to avoid confusion and instead just uses the pronoun 'he'. Which might cause some confusion, again, if you were really trying to understand The Bible by reading it on your own instead of being told what it says by some guy in a funny hat or a funky collar. So, Laban removes all of the animals that he agreed to give to Jacob before Jacob gets a chance to take them as his own. Laban gives the animals to his sons and his sons take them three days journey away. Didn't they have miles or kilometers back then? Three days in the amount of time it takes a goat to walk? Or three days away if they were all sprinting? Jacob feeds the rest of the flock and probably wonders where all of the speckled and ringed and brown animals went since he's been tending this flock for some time now. But since he already knows Laban is a cheating bastard, he's probably not too surprised. Jacob takes some poplar and hazelnut and chestnut rods and makes them streaked with white. Jacob stands the rods by the watering hole so that the sheep will conceive while they drink. Because the cattle conceived before the rods, they gave birth to ringed, spotted and speckled babies. Jacob separates the cattle which were designed for him from the cattle that would be considered stolen. Whenever the strong animals do it to each other, Jacob makes sure that they do it in front of his magic rods so that they will have strong babies with the correct designer markings. Whenever the weak or ugly or stupid animals do it, Jacob takes away the rods and allows them to give birth to animals that bear none of the markings which would make them Jacobs. Jacob's wealth grows greatly.
STUDY QUESTIONS! Is it right that Jacob cheats Laban since Laban has already cheated Jacob in a number of ways? Is Jacob really cheating Laban by using witchcraft? Is witchcraft what Jacob is doing? The thing with the rods of poplar sounds like something you'd get burned to death for doing in Colonial New England or Modern Kansas. Did you know that sheep conceive while drinking? I'm surprised ewes don't constantly drown from surprise. The Bible is full of interesting facts! Did I use the word 'facts' correctly in that last question? I think I might have meant literal untruths. Do you consider it wrong that Jacob makes sure that all of the healthy and strong animals give birth to cattle that will belong to him? Isn't he just paying back Laban for being such a dick? Sometimes it's hard to know who is a good guy in The Bible. I guess Biblical Morality isn't as black and white as many people would like to think. After Jacob is done working with Laban's flock, isn't Laban going to left with a really inferior herd of cattle? His animals might even be too dumb and weak to do it to each other! Jacob is ruining Laban. Oh well, he deserves it for making Jacob marry that dumb-dumb Leah. Unless dumb-dumb is politically incorrect! Although, if it turns out Leah wasn't actually retarded, then dumb-dumb shouldn't be offensive to anyone! If this chapter of The Bible was the basis for a preacher's Sunday sermon, what would the message be? When two people make a contract, both of them are going to screw the other one so you better be prepared to screw harder and faster than the other guy? Expect your employer to be a royal douche bag so steal from him at every opportunity since you should assume he's stealing from you by not paying you appropriately or giving you proper benefits? Who hasn't had a job where they felt justified to cheat their employer in some way? Employers are always trying to get as much out of their employees as possible for as little as they can. And they like to yell at them and humiliate them every possible chance too! Have you ever tried the magic stick trick that Jacob uses? Does it work on dogs and cats too? Would it work for human babies? Why doesn't Laban want to let Jacob go? Why do parents feel entitled to manipulate their children? How many parents can just let go and let their child and their child's family do whatever they want? Do they always have to poke their noses into business that really has nothing to do with them? Why does Jacob want the brown sheep? Are brown sheep rare? I mean, unless you know that trick that makes two white sheep produce a brown sheep because they did it in front of some special rods. Why does Jacob want the speckled and spotted goats? Is it for the same reason as the sheep? Would Laban only agree to give Jacob the types of cattle that are rarer than the others?
Genetically Modified Cattle
HISTORICAL FACTS Goats are just about the most awesome animal ever invented by nature. They've got cute little beards and cute little horns and they hop around and eat everything in sight. The can also live on roofs and they love to knock little children to the ground! So it's always good to have a goat with you for those times you'd just love to knock some brat to the ground but you'd get arrested for doing it. But your goat won't be arrested! He'll just win you $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos! I need to pay closer attention when reading The Bible (even though I thought I was doing a pretty good job) because it took me almost forever to figure out that Laban was cheating Jacob and it wasn't Jacob separating the cattle like he said he was going to right before Laban does it and The Bible simply uses the pronoun 'he'. In fact, it took me so long and upset me so deeply, I couldn't bring myself to finish a single Bible Study last week! In 7th Grade, they try to ruin your hopes and dreams by teaching you about inherited genetic traits. They tell every boy in class that there are two types of hairlines: a widow's peak and a receding hairline. And then they imply to all of the boys that if you don't have a widow's peak, you're going to go bald! I think at least half of the boys who find out their hairline is called 'a receding hairline' just give up on life right there and then. Mendelson was obsessed with wrinkled peas.
Choose one. A.
Stand some striped rods up by your headboard and have a child with your
spouse (or any other person who will let you do it to them). Did your child
come out speckled or ringed?
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture to go with this story: The
Haunted House on Scary Hill One day on Friday the 13th which also happened to be Halloween in a year when people still paid to go see black and white movies, a really, really rich man held a party in the only real haunted house ever to exist! The man's name was Vinnie Costington and he had a wife that wanted to poison him all the time but he was too smart for her and made her taste everything he ever ate or drank. He was holding a party for a bunch of people who didn't know each other but needed money so they were willing to go to his party which wasn't really a party at all but a money making opportunity! They were all going to earn Big Bucks by staying one full night in the only real haunted house ever to exist! "So, who is really scared now?" shouted Costington to his guests who had seen a blood stain on the ceiling and saw a lamp fall over and then saw some scary looking janitors. "I am!" screamed the girl with the perky boobs! But they were perky in that old fashioned way like Laura Petrie's boobies where they kind of looked like they were being held in triangular cup-cake wrappers or something. "SLAM!" yelled the front door which locked them all in. "OH NO! Now we all have to stay here even if we didn't want to!" mumbled Costington who handed out revolvers to make everyone even more dangerous and also because it was his wife's idea because she had big, secret plans for her husband which might include being murdered! Or they might not also if you like surprises. "ACK!' died Costington's wife as she hung herself! "Oh no! She was killed by ghosts who live in this haunted house (which is the only real one ever to really exist ever!)," moaned the man who owned the house but was trying to earn Big Bucks just like everyone else! "Help! There's a head in my suitcase!" cried the perky booby girl! Unless that happened before they all got guns and then she probably screamed that earlier. But whenever it happened, it was really scary! Even in black and white! "I'm not really dead!" said Costington's wife to the psychotriathalonist who was secretly her lover (this is the type of 'secretly' that means only her and her lover and her husband know!)! "Our plans is working perfectly!" she moaned ungrammatically (but not in the scary way that the other guy had done earlier but in a sexy way). She probably would have did it to the psychoanalyzer and showed her boobies if this had been the colorful remake featuring Mango. The girl Nora or Nona or something (the one with the awesome boobs!) was being driven crazy and that was part of the plan! So she ended up in the cellar with a gun and shot Costington because she was scared! Scared people shouldn't have guns! Then the crazy doctor tried to dispose of Costington in the wine and acid vat but the lights went out and the doctor disposed of himself instead! Then Costington, who wasn't dead because he was immune to blanks, created a puppet show which killed his wife! And then everybody learned that the whole thing had been a double reverse triple lendi gambit and Costington got back at his jerky wife who had been trying to kill him in some way other than poison since he'd managed to outsmart her with that poison thing! And then everybody realized the only real haunted house ever wasn't haunted at all! Even if the owner kept insisting it was and the blood dripping from the ceiling was never explained. THE END!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? If you want a spotted goat, make sure to stripe a poplar rod or a hazelnut rod or a chestnut rod and stand them before your rutting goats. Also, it's okay to cheat an employer who has treated you unfairly. |
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