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CHAPTER FORTY!
God notices Leah is hated so God opens Leah's womb. Rachel is barren. Surprise! Leah conceives and bares a son and names him Reuben which means 'see a son' and proves that tender eyed indeed means retarded. She might have also said, "Etch a Pooh air." Leah says, "Duh! Surely the Lord has looked upon my retardation and given me a son and now my son will love me! Duh! And don't call me Shirley! Der! Unless calling my own affliction 'retardation' is offensive than God looked upon the affliction of me being hated by everyone instead!" Leah conceives again and bares another son. Leah says, "Duh! This proves God noticed I was hated and has thus given me another son which I shall name Simeon which means hearing because even though I see him I probably shouldn't name him Reuben also so I guess I also hear him so I'll name him Hearing!" Even though Leah is hated, Jacob sure does it to her a lot because she conceives a third time! Leah says, "Der!" Also, Leah said the following after she said Der: "My husband must join with me now that I've given him three sons even though he seems to join with me all of the time otherwise how could I have given him three sons? That hurts my feeble head unless all of my sons have been virgin births! Duh! I will call him Levi because his legs join nicely at the crotch just like a good pair of Tough Skins!" Leah conceives a fourth time and calls her fourth son Judah which means Praise. I don't know why she does that. Leah decides to stop having children. Or she hits menopause. Or she stops sleeping with Jacob. Rachel is envious of her sister's fertility. Rachel grabs Jacob by the shirt collar and falls to her knees and tears out her hair and sobs and cries, "Give me children or I shallt dieth!" Jacob yells at Rachel, "Who am I, God? I've put tons of seed into you and yet you remain barren! Tell it to the Lord!" Rachel, not being familiar with the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, gives Jacob her maid Bilhah as a surrogate. Jacob does it to Bilhah. Three women in one lifetime! What a stud! Bilhah conceives and Rachel doesn't get jealous and Bilhah doesn't get uppity. Rachel spouts some nonsense about God judging her and giving her a son even though God gave her maid a son. Rachel names her son, I mean Bilbo's son, I mean, her son, Dan, which means Judging. Did I use too many commas? Jacob continues to do it to Bilhah. Bilbah conceives again. Rachel thinks she's in a child-bearing competition with her sister Leah and compares it to wrestling. Rachel proclaims she has won because her maid bore Jacob two sons while Leah only bore Jacob four sons. Rachel names Bilhah's second child Naphtali which means 'my wrestling'. Leah realizes she can't have any more children but wants to win the child-bearing competition. And since Leah can't count and doesn't realize she's in the lead, she gives her maid Zeppo to Jacob. Jacob does it to Zilpah. Yet another woman! Maybe Jacob isn't as effeminate as I thought. Zilpah conceives. Leah says, "Duh! A troop cometh! I shall name Zilpah's child, Gad!" Zilpah bares a second son. Leah says, "I am happy! I name the new baby Asher which means happy!" Reuben digs up some mandrakes and gives them to his mother Leah. Rachel says, "Give me those mandrakes or I shallt dieth!" Leah says, "You took my husband and you want my son's mandrakes too?" Rachel gives Leah permission to sleep with Jacob in exchange for the mandrakes. Leah tells Jacob, "You must do it to me, your wife, because I bought you from your other wife with mandrakes." Jacob does it to Leah. God hearkens unto Leah and undoes her menopause. Leah conceives again! Leah names her fifth son, Issachar, which means 'hard to remember how to spell'. Leah conceives again for some reason, perhaps because she bought Jacob with some ginger roots. Leah names her sixth son Zebulon which means dwelling because, after all of this time, she thinks Jacob will finally dwell with her now that she's bore him six sons. For some reason, Jacob sleeps with Leah again. Perhaps she bought him with some Blood Moss. Leah gives birth to a daughter which she names Dinah for some reason. Beep beep! God finally remembers Rachel for some reason. Rachel bares a son and names him Joseph because he is good at math. Benjamin is still just a gleam in Jacob's testicles.
STUDY QUESTIONS! Are there really any questions that need to be asked about this Chapter? Do ministers or preachers ever take a Sunday to write a sermon about the sons of Jacob? Is a guy with four wives an appropriate subject for church? When does The Bible ever get around to saying marriage is between one man and one woman and not one man and his two sisters and their maids? Jacob loves Rachel and just wants to marry Rachel and live happily with her. But he gets tricked into marrying Leah also by that jerko father, Laban. There is no reason that Jacob should care for Leah in any way. So why does God give Leah all of the children when he realizes Leah is hated? Is he really that much of a douche bag? Does he just like screwing with his followers? He shouldn't punish Rachel because of some crap her father pulled? What am I saying? It's par for the course for God to punish the wrong people! Was anybody at all surprised that Rachel was barren? Okay, The Holy Bible, come up with a new plot device already! Since this whole scenario is reminiscent of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, do you think this could be another version of the same story but using different names and thus wedged into the history as a new generation? Perhaps Genesis is just a whole bunch of different versions of the same story that were told by different tribes in Canaan. Or wherever The Bible was written. The Bible uses the phrase 'left bearing' for Leah when she stops having children. It sounds like something that could go wrong with your car! At first, I thought she somehow chose to stop having children by sheer force of will. And then I thought maybe she was in menopause because she gives her handmaid to Jacob when she sees that her sister's handmaid is pushing out kids. But then Leah ends up having more children anyway. So what the heck is going on? Did 'left bearing' just mean 'stop sleeping with Jacob'? Maybe she 'left bearing' because Jacob started sleeping exclusively with Rachel. The story sort of bears this out since Leah accuses Rachel later of stealing her husband and Rachel pimps out Jacob for some mandrakes. Maybe The Bible was sort of confused in the last chapter and Jacob really didn't marry Rachel until working for Laban for another seven years? Then it would make sense that he had four children with Leah before getting to be with Rachel and forgetting all about Leah. But I'm sure that theory will be destroyed in future chapters since none of these Bible stories seem to think they should agree with any of the previous chapters. If God's grand commandment for mankind is to 'be fruitful and multiply' then how come Christians have such a problem with sex? Is it because God didn't say 'enjoy being fruitful and multiply'? Why did God make having sex feel so good? He makes it clear that having children was to be painful because Eve ate of the forbidden fruit. But if his big command was to 'be fruitful and multiply', why would he choose that punishment? Is this just more of God's sexism, that men should always find sex enjoyable and have no consequences while women bare all of the consequences and the woman's orgasmic function isn't directly related to conception? I think Christians have somehow gotten the mistaken impression that eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil somehow gave Adam and Eve the knowledge of sexual intercourse and so it is tied in somehow with the original sin of disobeying God. But since God wanted his people to 'be fruitful and multiply', don't you think Adam and Eve already had the knowledge of sexual intercourse? And they would have populated the Garden of Eden with many, many children (all bore through pain-free childbirth) had they not eaten of the forbidden fruit. So how did sex get such a bad rap amongst the religious? I guess I'll have to keep reading to find out! Jacob sure is fruitful and multiplies a lot! Jacob is also fruity! Why would Rachel name her son Joseph which means 'adding' when she should have named him whatever the word is for multiplication in Hebrew? Algernon, maybe? Why does The Bible mention Dinah? Who cares if Jacob had a girl? Did "give me, I pray thee, of they son's mandrakes" sound dirty to you too? Why does Rachel think she won the baby making competition when she clearly hasn't had any children at the time and even her maid servant has had less children than Leah? She must be using Biblical Trailer Park Math.
Conceiving
HISTORICAL FACTS The Reuben Sandwich is a grilled sandwich made with corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese and some kind of salad dressing. They are eaten by people like whores and tramps who don't mind having conflicting flavors in their mouth all at the same time. Levi Jeans were invented by some guy named Levi Strauss who was too wimpy to prospect for gold so he decided to make money selling fancy pants to the prospectors, like that Seth guy and his Jewish friend in Deadwood. Although Seth wasn't too wussy at all! Timothy Olyphant's acting ability consists of walking around wide-eyed with no expression on his face what-so-ever. It works really well! Cousin Gerri would have been funnier in The Facts of Life if she swore as much as she swears in Deadwood. Bupkis is a Yiddish word that means 'beans'. It is used to mean nothing. I mean it means absolutely nothing when used. I mean it means something but that something that it means is nothing, if you get my meaning. This was the Fortieth Chapter! That's a Biblically important number! Happy Anniversary!
Choose one. A.
Have a baby with your wife. Name your baby 'My High School
Quarterbacking' and see how quickly she punches you in the face. Or if
you're the wife, name your child 'My Menstruating' and watch your husband
allow you to name it that or not. If he allows you to name your child that,
then you should realize you're an overbearing, nagging shrew and he just
doesn't want to make trouble. You should probably work on being nicer.
DRAWING TIME! Draw a family portrait. Be sure to include Jacob, the husband and father, and his wife Leah and his other wife Rachel and his other wife, Leah's maid, and his other wife, Rachel's maid, and however many kids they all had between them.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? Hire a maid service for your wife and enjoy the bonus poontang! |
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