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CHAPTER FORTY
TWO
Jacob hears Laban's sons saying, "Jacob has taken all of our father's things and created a bunch of his own things by using our father's things and that can't be right in some way. Especially the taking of our father's things part which we're pretty sure there are laws against." Jacob notices Laban's attitude toward him has changed. Surprise! It's not for the better! God says to Jacob, "Get the hell out of there!" Jacob calls a meeting on the mound with Leah and Sarah. I mean Rebecca. No, Rachel! Jacob says, "Have you notithed your father theemth a bit short with me lately? What do you think that'th about? My Lord God hath been with me all thith time, tho I couldn't have done anything wrong even if your father thinkth that I have. And God knowth, I've done all that your father athked of me and more even!" Leah and Rachel chew cud. Jacob continues, "And your father hath detheived me theveral times over. But God hath kept him from killing or raping me, tho, you know, that'th pretty good. Anyway, your dad ith a big jerk and God gave me hith cattle rightfully! If he (I mean your father!) thaid that all the cute cattle would be my hire, God made sure all the cattle had cute babieth and if he (your father!) thaid all the knobby goatth would be my hire, God made sure all the goatths would have knobby kidth! Thince he (your father!) wath tho detheiving, God hath given me all of hith cattle ath my own!" Leah and Rachel try not to laugh. Jacob says, "No, really! God gave me your father'th cattle! I didn't thteal it or trick him with my magic rodth!" Then Jacob expresses some more rationalizations for why he's going to steal all of Laban's cattle which have some nonsense about watching the goats do it to each other and then lifting his eyes up and immediately falling asleep and dreaming that God has told him that all of the cattle are ringed and streaked and speckled and spotted. Therefore, all the cattle belong to Jacob and Laban no longer has any for Jacob to tend and so God tells Jacob to go back home since he has nothing left to do except steal Laban's cattle. Leah and Rachel agree with Jacob but have a better argument, saying that Laban's cattle are really their inheritance anyway so they don't see any reason against Jacob taking the cattle. At least, Rachel agrees. Leah just drools and chases a chicken. Jacob takes the camel express back to his father in Canaan. Laban goes to shear his sheep and notices someone has stolen his Mrs. Butterworth. Jacob flees without telling Laban (which is sort of the point of fleeing). Laban is told that Jacob has fled three days after Jacob fleethed. Laban and his breathren pursue Jacob for seven days, overtaking him at Mount Gilead. God appears to Laban in a dream and says, "Don't speak to Jacob either good or bad", which Laban seems to interpret as 'Don't hurt Jacob but go ahead and accuse him of stealing'. Laban asks Jacob, "Sheesh! Why did you have to steal all of my stuff and kidnap my daughters practically at gunpoint? We could have totally partied and had a big celebration and stuff! And why did you take my Mrs. Butterworth?" Jacob replies, "I wath afraid you'd take back your daughterth. But I didn't take your houthehold Godth and whichever perthon among my breathren did, let that perthon not live a moment longer." Laban does not find his gods in Jacob's tent or Leah's tent or Zilpah's tent or Bilhah's tent. So he goes in to search Rachel's tent. Wow, he doesn't even trust his own daughters! Rachel hides the Mrs. Butterworth bottle in the camel's sofa and sits on it. Rachel says, "Dad, I cannot stand because it is my lady time." Laban blushes and sputters and leaves without finding his Gods. Jacob chodes Laban. "Well, did you find anything that wath yourth? Why are you hounding me? What have I done wrong? I worked for you for fourteen yearth for your daughterth. And then I worked thix more for thith cattle. But you changed my wageth ten timeth. What before you here ith yourth? If not for your fear of God, you would have thent me away with nothing." Laban says, "All this cool stuff is mine! Those are my daughters! Gosh! Those are my grandchildren! Geez! And that is my cattle! And everything you see here is mine! But what can I do? These are my daughters and my grandchildren and I can do nothing that might cause them harm. So let us make a covenant between us. Sheesh!" So Jacob and Laban build a rock pile and make a covenant and somehow agree that Jacob can keep everything and Laban will go home in peace and neither one will ever cross over the rock pile at Galeed. In the morning, Laban kisses his sons and daughters and blesses them and leaves without ever getting back his bottle of syrup.
STUDY QUESTIONS! What just happened? Is this proof that the fear of God keeps people who believe in the same God in line when dealing with each other? How is the conflict between Jacob and Laban finally resolved? They build a wall? Don't they know fences don't really make good neighbors? Did Laban finally agree that everything which Jacob took with him was as wages for the last twenty years? Is that what the covenant was about? Because it seemed like Laban went from "Everything here is mine!" to "Okay, bless you all, I'll leave you alone from now on." I guess the line when he says, "What can I do this day unto my daughters, or unto the children which they have born?" is his shrugging of the shoulders and realizing no matter how angry he may be with Jacob, he'd only be harming his daughters and their children if he continued the conflict. Don't you wish this plot line would come to an end already? We get it! Laban is a penny pinching and devious idolater and Jacob is a cowardly door mat! I just want to get to the part where Esau beats him up and kills him. Boy, I hope that's a future part! If that is politically incorrect to suggest and could be taken as advocating gay bashing since I've made Jacob so effeminate and Esau a total redneck (or The Bible has, I mean!), then pretend I didn't say any of it and just pretend that I hope Esau gives Jacob a stern lecturing and a reproving hug. And you know what I mean by 'stern lecturing', right? Did 'overtook him in the mount' and 'Jacob pitched his tent in the mount' both sound dirty to you too? Do you think the stolen Gods was just a pretext for Laban to chase Jacob all the way to Gilead? Were you hoping they were going to run into the Gunslinger? That would have made this chapter a lot more exciting! I wonder what kind of Gods Laban kept in his household? Which Gods are you supposed to leave by the sheep shears? Should that last paragraph have started with 'Do you think the stolen Gods were just a pretext..."? If I had an editor, he would tell me which it was supposed to be. But he'd also tell me a whole lot of other junk that would hurt my feelings and make me question my artistic genius. What I really need is an assistant (one other than Pickle Boy since Pickle Boy doesn't do what I'm about to say assistants do which is why I want one) who will write half of this stuff for me and then I can just spruce it up with witty things and put my name on it. Isn't it convenient that God spoke to Jacob to return home as soon as Jacob overheard Laban's sons of accusing Jacob of taking all of their father's wealth? I'm going to start talking to God too! How do you go about getting everyone to fear the God you pretend to talk to? Do you have to spread a bunch of rumors that your God curses men with infertility and drowns everyone when He's in a pissy mood long before you can use talking to God as an excuse to get out of messes and to steal things? Why does Jacob argue that God somehow caused all of the cattle's progeny to be the color indicated by Laban as his wages when it was Jacob who used the magic rod witchcraft trick? Did he learn the trick from God? Um, not that I believe in the magic rod trick any more than I believe in God! What I really believe is that Jacob stole all of Laban's cattle and then rationalized his theft. Then he manipulated Laban by putting Laban's daughters and grandchildren in the middle of the conflict and Laban finally relented since taking back his property meant his daughters and grandchildren would be left destitute as well as Jacob. Who is Laban fooling when he tells Jacob he would have sent Jacob away with wine and songs if Jacob had only told him he was leaving? How many times before had Jacob tried to leave and been coerced or tricked by Laban into staying longer? Besides, God didn't tell Jacob to tell Laban he was leaving! Is Jacob lying or being polite when he tells Laban he was afraid that Laban would take his daughters from Jacob? Obviously, Jacob couldn't care less if Laban had taken Leah! Why does Rachel talk about her period? Gross! I want to hear how they explain that in Sunday School! Why is Laban worried about his household Gods? Why is he worshiping idols? I know there is no law against worshiping idols yet but shouldn't he be concerned with the Lord, God? Isn't the reason Abraham and Isaac chose wives for their children from Nahor's family because they wanted their children to marry into God-fearing stock? Is Laban nasty and deceitful because he has wandered away from the path of the Lord and begun worshiping false idols? Why does Rachel take the idols? Is she secretly an idolater? Was she trying to hurt her father by taking something he loved? Were these family heirlooms that she just couldn't bring herself to part with? Was she perhaps trying to save her father from their evil influence? Do you think they ever ran around the house at night threatening people with butcher's knives only to end up back on the shelf in the morning as if nothing had ever happened? I put a lock on my fridge because I know Mrs. Butterworth would do that to me! Do you think Laban would have killed Rachel if he found she had stolen his idols? Would Jacob have kept his word and allowed Laban to kill her? I'm guessing the answer is yes to both of those questions! So far, The Bible doesn't think much of women. Can you believe females follow any of these patriarchal religions? Why don't women rebel? Do you need testosterone to start a rebellion?
Fences
HISTORICAL FACTS Many people quote Robert Frost as having said, "Good fences make good neighbors." Those people are stupid jerks who probably haven't actually read his poem 'Mending Wall' or at least didn't understand it. I wonder if Jacob and Laban will meet every spring in Gilead to walk along their heap and mend it? This is where I would make some comment about Stephen King's Gunslinger series except after having read the series across twenty years of my life, I can hardly remember anything about it! Sure, I remember lots of details like the riddling choo-choo train and the werewolf and the preacher who lost faith because of vampires and the guy who used to train the hawk and the crazy lady in the wheelchair and the clown and the rabid dog. But I can't really remember many of the themes and how to compare them to Jacob or Laban. Maybe something about stories being infinite and circular and retold countless times would go good here. It only stopped being customary for women to sit continuously while menstruating in 1969 when Hippies declared it a fascist tradition of a patriarchal and misogynist society that kept women down with bras, tampons and razor blades. Mrs. Butterworth is the strongest of all the household Gods still in existence. Any Christian who has a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth in the fridge is an idolater and probably going straight to Hell because they are breaking a major commandment. Also, they probably fondle her lovingly while pouring out her sweet, sticky juices. They syrup of Mrs. Butterworth transubstantiates into her menstrual blood when eaten on blueberry waffles (which transubstantiate into her varicose vein covered and cellulite ridden thigh skin).
Choose one. A.
Do an in-depth examination of Exodus using the same Study Guide format
that I've been using for Genesis. Don't sign your name to it when you send
it to me.
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture of Laban's teraphim! Or Rachel's teraphim, wink wink!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? When you rob somebody blind, leave their religious icons alone. |
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