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***WARNING. THIS ENTRY IS RATED PG-13. SO IF 3RD GRADERS AREN'T 13, THEY SHOULD ONLY READ THIS IN THE PRESENCE OF A GROWN-UP.*** CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
Isaac becomes old and nearly blind. Isaac calls Esau to him so he can tell Esau, "Here am I." Unless Esau says that. Stupid Bible pronouns. Isaac tells Esau to go hunt him up some venison so he can taste of the meat he loves and also bless Esau for bringing him the meat. Rebekah eavesdrops. Esau goes to hunt some deer and to bring it! Rebekah tells Jacob what she overheard. Rebecca tells Jacob to bring two young goats to turn into savoury meat for Isaac which he loves. Rebekah says, "You will bring the meat to your father and your father will bless you." Jacob retorts, "But mom! Ethau ith all hairy and groth and I'm ath thmooth ath a baby'th bottom! Dad will notithe and think I'm a detheiver and curthe me inthtead of blething me!" Rebekah says, "I'll take the blame. Now go get those goats." Rebekah cooks the goats and puts Esau's clothing on Jacob. Rebekah covers Jacob's smooth skin with the skin of the goats. Jacob brings the meat to his father and lisps, "Hey dad!" Isaac says, "Who art thou?" Jacob says, "I am Ethau! Your thon! Your firtht born thon, even! Not that dumby-head Jacob but your manly thon! Now eat my meat!" Isaac says, "How did you get it so quickly?" Jacob gives the answer that all religious people always somehow accept. "Becauthe of God!" Isaac, like his father Abraham, isn't so easily convinced by matters of the Lord as modern Christians so he touches Jacob to see if he is hairy. Jacob giggles. Isaac says, "You sound exactly like that limp-wristed, slacker, non-hunting lay-about Jacob! But your hands are hairy, so, well, I guess you have to be Esau! You are blessed!" Even after Isaac blesses him, he still isn't sure and asks, "Are you sure you're my son Esau?" Jacob says, "Damn thtraight!" Isaac eats of the fake venison and doesn't notice that it's really goat and then he drinks wine and then he kisses Jacob. Isaac tests him one last time by sniffing him and, since Jacob is wearing Esau's smelly clothes, Isaac believes him and blesses him again. As Jacob leaves stage right, Esau enters stage left. Esau says, "Get up, dad! I've brought your meat platter!" Isaac says, "Who art thou?" Esau says with Esau's voice, "Yo, dad! It's Esau. Your first born and most kick ass son!" Isaac says, "Oh shit! Sorry, son, but that other guy with the lisp who was just here and fed me meat received my blessing. Too bad!" Esau cries and beats his chest and tears off his shirt and turns green, "Bless Esau too!" Isaac says, "Sorry but your brother has it." Esau notices the pun on Jacob's name and isn't amused at all since Jacob now has his birthright and his blessing. Esau smashes a wall and growls, "No blessing for Esau?" Isaac says, "What am I to do? I have made him lord and you and everyone else his servants. What can I do? Make everything right like a good father and take away the blessing from Jacob since he used trickery to gain it? Punish Jacob for his insolence and theivery and under-handedness? So that I can bless you, who married a Hittite? Outrageous! Sorry, Esau, but my hands are tied in this matter. What is done is done and there is absolutely no way to make everything just and right since words are words and how can I take them back?" Esau stomps and tears down a tree. "Give two blessing! Bless Esau too!" Isaac blesses Esau and says, "You shall have a fat life and live by the sword and serve your brother. But some day, you shall have dominion over him and break his yoke from his neck."
STUDY QUESTIONS! Can't anyone ever give anybody anything out of the kindness of their own heart? Or does that only start when Jesus teaches people about it? Or does Jesus come with just as many strings? The only way Esau is going to get Isaac's blessing is if he brings him savoury venusians. Why does Esau need the blessing anyway? What good would the blessing have been without the birthright? And how binding was the birthright for the lentil soup contract anyway? What did the birthright even mean? Did it mean Jacob was now technically the elder and would get all of the sweet inheritances? Is Rebekah more of a shrew than Sarah? Is that possible? Why would she care which son received the blessing? She knows her husband really loves Esau but she undermines his authority by trying to get her beloved Jacob blessed. What does The Bible think of wives and mothers so far? Not much! Eve got mankind kicked out of Eden. Noah's wife never even got a name. Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt for looking the wrong way. Abraham's wife, Sarah, was a nag and married other men and hated Abraham's first born son. And now Rebekah is a shifty jerk who couldn't care less about her husband's wishes. Maybe Seth's wife was a good person? Did you notice how Jacob was only worried about his father thinking he was a deceiver by catching him in the act? Jacob wasn't too terribly worried about actually being a deceiver and getting blessed. But then, who is surprised? We've already seen what a selfish jerk Jacob is when he refused to give his starving brother any food without payment. Was Jacob the first Soup Nazi? If you're Jewish or Christian, are you supposed to look up to and admire Jacob? Is he a role model as one of the fathers of Judaism? Or is he just the son of the son of the father of Judaism and not really supposed to be admired? What does The Bible think of husbands and fathers so far? God is blamed by Adam for Adam eating the apple since Adam blames it on the woman God gave him. Noah is a drunk who doesn't even know the name of his wife and curses his own grandchild for no reason. Lot is a drunk who has sex with his daughters just days after his wife turns into table salt. Abraham tried to kill his son and exiled his other son. Isaac blesses the wrong son and refuses to take it back and make things right. Jacob is a big liar and a thief. Oh, Jacob isn't a father or a husband yet, so ignore that last one. Do you have the feeling Isaac wanted Jacob to have the blessing over Esau? Isaac was pretty upset that Esau married a Hittite. The Bible even says Isaac was in mourning over Esau's marriage. So he probably decided that there was still some hope that he could marry off Jacob correctly, like to a family member, and so he blessed him instead of Esau. It seems fairly obvious since he recognizes Jacob's effeminate voice and then just allows himself to be convinced by the other things, like the way Jacob's clothes smell and the goat skin on his hands. Also, I'm willing to bet Isaac knows the difference between Goat and Venison. I've only had both of those once or twice, and I'm pretty sure I could tell the difference in a blind taste test. Ha ha! Blind taste test! Is this Bible Story where the term came from? Why doesn't Isaac fix everything when he discovers Esau wasn't the one who was blessed? It would have been pretty easy to call in Jacob and say, "Hey you little weasel! You are so unblessed! Get out of my dim sight!" But of course, like I said in the last paragraph, I'm pretty sure Isaac wanted Jacob to receive the blessing. The worst thing Esau could have done was marry outside of his religion. The fact that Esau married a Hittite sheds new light on Esau trading his birthright for some soup and the comment that he despised his birthright. Obviously, Esau wasn't taking his religion very seriously. And so he lost everything that he should have had if he'd just trusted the Lord and properly remembered his penis covenant. What kind of crappy blessing does Isaac hand out to Esau? "Your dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth and dew from heaven" or something? That's the same stupid blessing he gave to Jacob anyway! And he tells a hunter that he shall live by the sword? Oh, thanks Dad! And then Isaac blesses Esau to be the servant of Jacob! Isaac is lucky Esau didn't just punch him in his stupid blind nose. I'd rather have gotten my blessing from a lousy fortune cookie. Did 'for he hath supplanted me these two times' sound dirty to you too? And incestuous? And a little bit gay?
Stealing
HISTORICAL FACTS I mentioned Wyrmtongue in the last Historical Facts section because my Spell Checker wanted to turn 'sensical' into 'seneschal' which made me think of the Steward from Lord of the Rings who I knew was not played by the guy who played Wyrmtongue. He also wasn't played by a bunch of other actors also but I don't actually have control over the way my brain puts things together. Actual fortune from a Fortune Cookie: "Now is the time to make circles of mints. Do not haste any longer." Jacob stole Esau's birthright and his blessing, so it's no wonder Esau wants to kill Jacob. But I'm not sure why he can't do it himself and instead he has to possess John Locke and then tell Benjamin Linus to do it for him. He's probably not going to be successful anyway since Jacob has traveled through time to set up all his dominoes (his dominoes are named Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley and Ramadan) so that they'll White Flash Time Travel through time to save him just in the nick of time! Carlotta Everyday was one of my teammates in The Galactic Hero Corps. She was a normal, third-dimensional person just like you and me until she was about five years old or so when something or other happened and she became a creature of the fourth-dimension, capable of traveling to any point in time and changing it in any way. Her arch-nemesis is the fourth-dimensional creature known as Epochalypse. They wage an epic battle across all space and time trying to somehow defeat the other one in some way that neither of them can figure out since time and space mean nothing to either of them. I'm pretty sure Jacob and the guy in Black in the Lost Season Five Finale (who I've been calling Esau) are caught up in the same kind of game. Or battle.
Choose one. A.
Do you think the nations of Jacob and Esau will conflict until the end of
time? Which nations do each represent? How will Esau break the yoke and have
dominion over Jacob? I know you can't answer this question yet! But just
keep it in mind as you read!
DRAWING TIME! Draw a fan fiction fan picture for the following Lost Fan-Fiction! YOU'RE
GOING TO DIE, BROTHER! Desmond and Charlie were walking on the beach. It suddenly began raining. Then the rain stopped suddenly. Charlie was all wet and in love with Clarice or whatever her name is and was about to trip on a log and die when Desmond grabbed him by the shoulder. "Hold up, Brother!" crowed Desmond. "What is it?!" panicked Charlie as he remembered he wanted to shoot up with the heroin. "I just saved your life again, Brother! You almost broke your neck tripping on that log, Brother!" Desmond pointed to a tiny stick in the sand. "Wow! Thanks for saving me again, Desmond!" wept Charlie who was really afraid to die because he was kind of religious but had done lots of bad things and had yet to atone for them here in Purgatory although they weren't in Purgatory anymore because too many people on the internets had guessed that was where the show was going so the writers changed it. But it's pretty obvious since the show was called Lost and all. I mean, really. Who are they fooling? Not me! "No problem, Brother!" beamed Desmond. "Brother, look out, Brother!" shouted Desmond as he tackled Charlie to the sand. Charlie look up and saw a tomahawk fly over his head, just missing his tracheal gland. "OH MY GOSH!" shouted Charlie. "Thanks again!" he sang and thought of a terrific song he could write for his band, Drive Crank. "No problem, Brother!" smiled Desmond who suddenly fell to the ground while having one of those visions of the way Charlie is going to die next. "Oh no, Brother!" "Did you see me die again? How can I be saved this time?" worried Charlie. "Brother. There's only one way for me to save you, Brother. You have to let me do you in the butt, Brother." Desmond began unbuckling his belt. "Um. Uh. Are you sure? That's the only way?" fidgeted Charlie who began to wonder where he left his heroin since doing heroin might make the butt sex actually pretty good. Or at least make his death not so painful. "Yeah, Brother! Hurry! There's no time, Brother! Show me that sweet, sexy, English bum, Brother!" Desmond removed his thingy from his underwear. "Just a second. Um, how painful will my death be, actually? I mean, death can't be too bad, right?" began Charlie. "You stupid hobbit, just take down your pants already, Brother!" Desmond demanded. Charlie was afraid to die and go to Hell. Charlie was also afraid to lose his butt cherry. Especially after seeing the size of Desmond's ding-a-ling. But then Charlie took off his pants and submitted because he was weak and afraid and a loser and now Desmond's bitch, too! Desmond and Charlie had some really awesome Fan-Fiction Slash Sex. If you think I'm the weird one for writing this story, you haven't read any Fan-Fiction! I'm just parrotying it! Besides, if this were real Fan-Fiction, the sex scene would have been the majority of the story as opposed to my one line, so count your stupid stars or something! So, after they were done, Desmond pretended to have another vision and said, "Oh my god, Brother! You're going to die yet again in a really, really nasty and embarrassing manner if you don't find some way for me to bang your girlfriend, Clarissa! Um, Brother!" Then the episode ended because that's the kind of a cliff-hanger Lost shows end with and this one leaves you wondering if Charlie has any dignity left at all or if he'll talk Clarinda into having sex with Desmond just to save his own life. Although you know Charlie has almost no dignity at all from all the flashbacks and other episodes you've seen where he takes drugs and lets his brother push him around and loses his band and disappoints his brother once his brother cleans up his act and disappoints Locke too and sits in a talking tree with the other hobbit and some other things too. What will happen next time? THE
END!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? It's okay to lie, cheat, and steal to get whatever you want. Especially if your mother tells you it's the best thing to do. |
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