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 CHAPTER THIRTY SIX
Isaac Sends Jacob to Laban, Genesis 27:41 - 28:9.

THE FACTS!

Esau says to his mother, "Esau hate Jacob! When Dad die, Jacob die!"

Rebekah tells Jacob, "Your brother touches you in comfort but is really planning to kill you."

Rebekah says, "Jacob, you must go to my brother Laban in Haran and stay there until your brother's fury diminishes."

Rebekah says, "I will send for you after Esau has forgotten about all of the horrible things you've done to him which shouldn't be too long, seeing as how he's a big, dumb jock."

Rebekah tells her husband, "My life will mean nothing if my darling, darling Jacob marries one of these sluts of Heth, so you should do something about that before he ends up like that failure, Esau."

Isaac blesses Jacob again and forbids him to marry a daughter of Canaan.

Isaac says, "Go to Bethuel and marry one of your cousins."

Isaac passes along all of the blessings of Abraham to Jacob so that Jacob will have multitudes of seeds and he'll inherit all of the lands that are occupied by other people but God has willed to Abraham and his seeds.

Jacob heads to Padan-aram to stay with Laban and marry one of Laban's kids.

Esau hears what Isaac tells Jacob and thinks that maybe he'll gain his father's favor again by marrying one of his cousins too. So he goes off to marry Mahalath, one of Ishmael's daughters. I guess Judith doesn't seem to mind. As well as his other wives. How many wives does Esau have?

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why would Esau wait until his father died before he killed Jacob? Is this a reasonable move? Why doesn't he just beat Jacob up a little bit? I bet Isaac would respect that. Or is everybody really afraid of Rebekah?

Why does Rebekah fear being deprived of both of her sons in one day? If Esau kills Jacob, she'll still have Esau, right? Or is Esau more dead to her now that he declared he will kill Jacob? You know, deader than after he married Judith the Hottie. Or is The Bible being ambiguous again and does she mean deprived of Isaac and Jacob since she never really liked Esau anyway? That's probably it. She knows Isaac will die soon and then Esau will kill Jacob at the funeral and it'll be a big tragedy. Although if you add the appropriate music, the scene would probably be a comedy.

What is so wrong with the daughters of Heth? I think the main thing The Bible has taught me in the first 30 pages is that people who are not of your ethnicity or your religion are worse than animals. They're not fit to own land. They're not fit to marry. They can be killed without a thought. Their stuff might as well be your stuff and isn't technically stealing if you decide you want it anyway. Nice message, The Holy Bible!

How inbred are these people? Abraham married his sister, Sarah. Isaac married his cousin, Rebekah. And now Jacob is being sent to marry one of Rebekah's brother's daughters. In other words, his cousin. And Esau just ran off to marry a cousin too! Somehow this is better than marrying a Hittite or a Hethian or a Canaanite or an Egyptian?

Doesn't this section of The Bible sound like a Soap Opera? Esau is the evil twin who vows to destroy his brother! The wicked mother, favoring the weak and effeminate son, sends him off to a foreign land under false pretenses so that her husband doesn't discover the enmity between the twins. The dying father thinks he knows what's going on but really doesn't know anything. And while he thinks he's being just and good, he's only making a huge mess out of everything and being manipulated by his dirty wife! Meanwhile, the evil twin marries fifteen women and goes into hiding to start an evil syndicate to destroy his brother and his brother's seeds many seasons in the future.

Why was The Incredible Hulk ever seen as a Hero? He's just a chaotic monster that has no control over anything and kills whatever gets in his way! You would think someone would have just killed Bruce Banner in his sleep to protect everyone from him freaking out while grocery shopping and killing everyone in the building. "LETTUCE HAS GONE UP FOUR CENTS!? HULK SMASH!"

Will Esau's wife Judith ever be mentioned again? Did Esau feel ashamed of Judith and his other wives after he heard his father Isaac's disapproval of Canaanite women? Is that why he went off to marry one of Ishmael's daughters? So maybe Isaac would be proud of him for marrying one of their own? It's a shame Esau doesn't realize that Ishmael, being the son of an Egyptian concubine, is just as bad a choice as a Canaanite woman!

Why do you think The Bible is getting more detailed and actually beginning to sustain a semblance of plot? Isaac and Rebekah just seem like more fleshed out versions of Abraham and Sarah. But Jacob and Esau are really becoming intriguing characters with backgrounds and motivations and distinct personalities. How long is this going to last?

The comic book alter-ego of the Hulk was named Bruce Banner. The television show alter-ego of the Hulk was named David Banner. This is because television executives are really, really stupid and make dumb decisions based on the dumbest things and never do anything right at all which is why excellent television shows are always being canceled before they've even had a chance. The reason the stupid corporate executives changed Bruce's name to David was because Bruce was a named associated with a homosexual lifestyle. For some reason.

Corporate executives also tried to change Bruce Lee's name to Gary Lee but he kicked their asses and even killed a few of them. This was an amazing feat since Bruce Lee had been dead for five years at the time.

Genesis 26:34 reads: "And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite." I originally read that as Esau married Judith who was the daughter of Beeri (father) and Bashemath (mother). But I guess I disregarded the work of that comma and Esau actually married Bashemath and Judith! So Mahalath is, at least, his third wife.

The wedding of Esau, Judith, and Bashemath must have been a really awkward ceremony.

A. This Section was nearly a whole page long and it barely held my interest. Even less so than those long lists of descendants. Write anything less boring.
B. If Jacob were like Iron Man, could he defeat Esau who is practically The Incredible Hulk? Who is the most powerful Marvel Character? Who is the most powerful DC Character? What less powerful character from either universe could defeat the most powerful ones?
C. How different did the game Stratego become when it became Electronic Stratego? It sure added a whole new dimension when you didn't know what was killing your soldiers, didn't it?

DRAWING TIME!

Draw The Incredible Hulk smashing up Isaac's funeral.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

I don't think they learned anything from this Chapter but there were some key ideas that were re-emphasized like 'Marry your own kind, preferably a family member' and 'The land belongs to you and not the others even if they were there first' and 'Obey your mother and father even if they're dicks'.