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 CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
Isaac and Abimelech, Genesis 26:1 - 26:35.

THE FACTS!

There is another famine in the land (not to be mistaken with the first famine in the time of Abraham).

Isaac goes to Gerar, kingdom of Abimelech of the Philistines.

God tells Isaac not to go to Egypt but to go to the land he will tell him of. Which is probably Gerar since Isaac is already there.

God offers Abimelech's land to Isaac and his seeds, just in case it wasn't clear that Isaac, being Abraham's seed, was included in the promise of the land to Abraham and his seeds.

God continues to repeat himself and tells Isaac that his seed shall multiply as the stars in heaven. He also does the 'these nations shall all be yours' bit again.

God says, "What's the deal with airplane food?"

God offers all of this to Isaac because Abraham obeyed His voice and kept His charge, His commandments, His laws, His statues, His practical jokes, His mean-spirited shenanigans.

Here we go again: Isaac tells the men of Gerar that Rebekah is his sister because he's afraid they'll kill him because Rebecca is fair to look upon.

Isaac plays cricket with Rebekah outside Abimelech's window and Abimelech notices.

Abimelech asks Isaac, "Why would you say she is your sister when it is obvious by the way she maidened over your sticky wicket?"

Abraham replies, "I was afraid you would kill me."

Abimelech says, "Why would you do this? One of my people might have accidentally played cricket with her also (for surely she would have joined in on anyone's game or the brother-sister ruse would have been undone) and brought guilt upon us."

Abimelech holds a community meeting and says, "Anyone who toucheth this man or his wife shall be put to deaht."

Isaac makes his fortune in Gerar.

The Lord blesses Isaac after he becomes rich.

Isaac waxes greatly.

The Philistines envy Isaac and his flocks and ox and servants.

All of Isaac's father's wells from back in the day have been filled up by Abimelech's servants.

Abimelech tells Isaac he has become too mighty and to get lost.

Isaac packs up his tent in Gerar and pitches it in Gerar.

Isaac redigs all of his father's old wells and names them the names his father gave them.

Isaac's servants dig a well and discover a Water Weird!

The herdsman of Gerar dispute the ownership of the Water Weird Well which becomes known as Esek, or Contention.

So another well is dug and that well is fought over and that well earns the name Sitnah, or Hatred.

So Isaac and his servants dig a well that is not fought over so he names it Rehoboth (not to be confused with the city (or the ice planet)), or Room, because the Lord has finally made room for him in Gerar.

Isaac heads over to Beer-Sheba.

God appears to Isaac and repeats himself.

Isaac builds an altar and digs a well and pitches his tent. Again.

Abimelech approaches Isaac with Ahuzzath and Phichol.

Isaac says, "Why do you continue to bother me after you sent me away?" even though Isaac didn't actually go anywhere and continued to dig wells in Abimelech's land.

Abimelech says, "We realized you're that guy who worships God who really lays the smack down on your enemies and we thought, 'You know what would be a good idea? A Covenant betwixt us and he."

Abimelech continues, "You know, seeing as how we haven't actually done anything to hurt you, Abraham, and we've done nothing unto thee but good things, we should have peace, and you, Isaac, should promise not to harm us."

Isaac makes a feast and everyone eats and drinks.

In the morning, they swore peace and Abimelech went his way.

That same day, Isaac's servants appeared and said they had struck water.

Abraham, I mean, Isaac names the well Beer-Sheba, the Well of the Oath.

Esau is forty years old when he marries Judith, the daughter of Beeri the Hittite and Bashemath, the daughter of Elon the Hittite.

Isaac and Rebekah grieve their son who did not marry a Jew.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Twenty four pages in and The Bible is telling the same story for the third time. Was the editor asleep on the job? Who was the editor of The Bible? Was it Jesus?

Why does Isaac go into Gerar before God tells him where to go? Do you think Isaac was psychic? Or did he make a mistake? God warns Isaac against going into Egypt, probably because Pharaoh has already been taken by the scam. And I bet he was going to warn Isaac away from Gerar too since Abimelech has already been hit by the scam also. But Isaac is already there when the Lord says he'll tell him where to go, so I guess God just shrugs and says, "Um, stay here since it will one day be your land anyway. Just like all of the lands in the area."

Why do you think God never offers his people Egypt? What is wrong with Egypt?

God offers all of the land in the area to Abraham and promises to multiply his descendants to no end. He does this when he first begins speaking with Abraham. But then he starts attaching strings to everything, like the penis covenant and the kill your son test. Why does God have to be so sneaky? And then when he's already promised Abraham all of this, he tells Isaac he's only continuing with the covenant because Abraham obeyed His voice and His laws and His statutes. When was any of this mentioned? And, by the way, what are God's laws and statutes? Has he given any actual laws besides do not eat that one fruit and mutilate your penis for me? Does 'Be fruitful and multiply' count because both Abraham and Isaac chose barren women so they really weren't trying very hard on that one.

This 'my wife is my sister' scam is really getting old. Was it common in Biblical Times to kill the husband of any beautiful woman you saw and take her as your own? Or is it just that nobody cares what happens to other people if those other people aren't one of your kind? So the Jews can go around killing all the non-Jews for their land, since God said it was okay. And apparently all the non-Jew's Gods seem to find it acceptable to kill men for their wives. I think Biblical Times were a lot like Thunderdome.

What sport, played by a man and his wife, would give away the fact that they were actually man and wife? Could sporting mean something else? I just looked it up in the Urban Dictionary and it means when a guy tucks his wiener between his legs so he looks like a woman! Like that weirdo who made tuxedos out of women's skin! You know, Tatonka Bill. So Abimelech must have noticed Isaac's Jewish penis during the tucking part and remembered how those Jewish guys loved the 'my wife is my sister' scam and he called Isaac on it!

Abimelech is really put out by Isaac's lie because he feared one of his people might have 'lightly lain' with Rebekah. Doesn't Rebecca have a right to refuse to do it? And wouldn't she refuse since she was already married to Isaac? Or would she have been killed for being an uppity woman if she declined a Gerarian's sexual advances?

Do women have any rights in The Bible? Maybe I should be paying close attention to that!

This time when Abimelech calls his people and servants together, he even warns them not to have sex with Isaac as well as Rebekah. Do the Gerarians go both ways? Why aren't bisexuals called Gerarites?

After this huge scandal, Isaac remains in Gerar to sow his seeds and become very wealthy. How come only Abraham and Isaac's first adopted homeland is scourged by famine and none of the other lands in the area?

Wasn't the point of Abraham's first famine supposed to be that Abraham didn't trust in God and went to Egypt, which caused a lot of trouble? And yet, now that the story is being retold, God has changed his mind and wants Isaac to head to another land. Why is that? Is it different this time because God told Isaac to go to Gerar (even though Isaac went there without being told)? And I still never found out why Abraham went to Gerar the first time? I bet it was because of a famine!

Why do the Philistines envy Isaac? Why can't they become as rich as he is? Does he know some secrets to managing the land that they're too dumb to understand? Or is the only difference that Isaac is blessed by God?

Don't you think the paragraph about the Philistines stopping up all of the wells that Abraham dug is only there to make the retelling of the story make sense? Since it would be really suspicious if Isaac also dug a well and made an oath over it with Abimelech and also called it Beer-Sheba, right? But it's believable if the well had been filled in and only after that, the exact same thing that happened with Abraham happens with Isaac. Right?

Did 'Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley' sound dirty to you too?

When Abimelech tells Isaac to leave Gerar because he's gotten too mighty, why does Isaac depart and then pitch his tent right back in Gerar? Why would The Bible say he departed when he didn't depart at all? Is Isaac just acting stupid and think Abimelech meant to depart the very ground he was standing on? Did Isaac merely walk ten feet to the south and set up camp again? Isaac reminds me of nerds who constantly argue the rules in Dungeons and Dragons or say things like, "Actually, it's Wednesday" when you say it's Tuesday and the clock says 1:02 AM. What jerks!

Should I have just reprinted Chapter Twenty Four and changed 'Abraham and Sarah' to 'Isaac and Rebekah'? I bet none of you would have even noticed.

Wasn't Isaac with Rebekah and his father Abraham at Beer-Sheba up until Abraham died? Why then did he move to Beer-Lahai-Roi when Beer-Sheba had so many wells and oxen and sheep and servants? And where is Beer-Lahai-Roi? The Bible says between Bered and Kadesh. But I don't know where those places are either!

Isaac names all of the wells the same as his father named them. But then he names a well Esek and another one Sitnah because of the trouble he had with the Gerarians at the time. Are these new wells or does he name them the same as Abraham since Abraham also had trouble fighting over wells? I'm guessing they're the same wells since it's the same stupid story! I also guess this Chapter explains how Abraham's well could have been stolen! They stole the whole land around it and kicked Abraham out of the area. Sometimes The Bible could use a few more explanatory sentences.

After Isaac digs Rehoboth, which means Room because he now believes the Lord has made room for him in Gerar, he just up and leaves! What was that about? Not only does he leave the well where there is finally room for him, he heads back to Beer-Sheba which doesn't exist yet. Or has been filled in and will re-exist in just a bit and in the same manner that it became extant through Abraham.

Were you happy that Phichol came back into the story? I sure was! I was hoping he was going to have some cool lines though. Maybe later, like when this story is told for the fourth time! But who's this Ahuzzath guy this time? Was he digitally placed into the story to make the story seem different than the last story? Maybe I'll write a story about Phichol and Ahuzzath and submit it to whoever publishes The Bible. Maybe it will be added to new versions!

Did you like how Isaac had the nerve to ask Abimelech why he has come to see him since Abe sent Isaac away because he hated him? What balls! I'm pretty sure the answer to that question is, "Well, see, when I told you to leave, I meant for you to leave my country of Gerar and not just pack up your tent and pitch it behind that bush over there. Which, incidentally, is still part of Gerar."

It seems that Isaac called Abimelech's bluff by staying in Gerar. Abimelech decides to make peace with Isaac since he doesn't seem to be going anywhere and, as we saw last time, Abimelech seems to fear God somewhat since God did threaten him in a dream. Do you think their peace will last? Do you think Abimelech would have made peace with Isaac if he knew Isaac already had an eye on all of Abimelech's land (with the Lord's blessing, even!)? Phichol should have chopped off Isaac's head right there!

What are the odds that Isaac would swear an oath with Abimelech by a well (thus naming the well, The Well of the Oath) after getting rich in his land by the 'my wife is my sister' scam just like his father? Do you think I've repeated the fact that this is the third time this story has been repeated enough times? It's just that I'm jealous that this story was published seeing that every time I write a story that continually repeats itself, the editor gets on my case and says stupid things like, "You really don't need this bit since you're repeating yourself" or "This whole chapter has to go since nothing new or integral to the story happens" or "Isn't this manuscript exactly like the last ten manuscripts our publisher rejected except you've changed the names of all of the main characters?"

Why are Isaac and Rebekah so sad about Esau finding Judith, his wife? They should count their blessings that any woman could love a hairy freak like him! Plus, if they wanted him to marry one of their own kind, maybe they shouldn't have waited until he was forty years old! Perhaps they should have sent a servant to Nahor long before then! Just because Isaac was a late bloomer and didn't marry until forty, possibly due to the inability to commit to a relationship because of the psychological abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, doesn't mean Isaac had to keep Esau single for so long also.

Do you think the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was based on Esau? Because Steve Carell is pretty hairy too!

A Water Weird is a creature from Dungeons and Dragons that is composed of living water. When Isaac digs up the well, Esek, he encounters one but The Bible doesn't say how many hit points it had or if the servants were able to defeat it.

The word 'Weird' doesn't follow that stupid spelling rule that all second grade teachers teach about the 'i' and the 'e' and how they react together in solution.

Judith's father's name was Beeri which seems so important that I thought it should be here in the Historical Facts just in case you missed it earlier.

Judith Light played the annoying lady who took in the cab driver and his hot vampire daughter as her slaves. Every episode of that show, "Who's the Bossiest?", was exactly the same and nobody seemed to notice, so maybe The Bible was being cutting edge by repeating the same story.

Monsters that have so far appeared in The Bible: Talking Anaconda, Unicorn, Dragon, Flaming Flying Sword, Flying Baby (not flaming), Water Weird, Mummy, Werewolf.

The Faith vs Science section of this Chapter might have seemed a little bit familiar and partially non-sensical. Just ignore that nagging feeling if you had any of them and remember that I'm a terrifically original writer who makes up all of his own material (which is so good, I often need to use it more than once!).

Wyrmtongue from The Lord of the Rings was also in Aliens 4 and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and he also played some jerky murderer in The X-Files.

A. Why would The Bible repeat this story a third time? This telling is practically an exact retelling of Abraham's visit to Gerar but with a little more detail and some paragraphs thrown in to remind the reader that this story is somehow different than Abraham's by mentioning the Abraham story. How do readers of The Bible justify what is obviously a retelling of the same story but with different characters? Does this story also appear in the Koran but with Ishmael as the main character?
B. Do you think both Isaac and Abraham actually did visit Gerar and do the exact same things? If you read about Washington and Lincoln doing the same things, would you believe it?
C. Have you ever watched a television show and realized it was a rerun from an earlier season? How many times has this happened and you just believed it was a new episode, even though you'd already seen it? Which show was it? Has it been remade into a movie? Did you notice Sailor Moon had the same story every show?

DRAWING TIME!

Draw the confontation between Isaac and Abimelech and his crew (Phichol and that new guy, Ahuzzath). Don't draw it as it might have looked in Biblical Times. Choose another time period like the Old West or Medieval Times or the Distant Future and imagine how it would have looked then.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

Don't let the Mexicans come into the country because they might get rich by taking your jobs and then feel entitled to your land and your wells.