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CHAPTER THIRTY
THREE
Isaac is a 40 year old virgin when he marries Rebekah. Rebekah was barren just like Sarah. Isaac pleads with God to allow Rebekah to conceive before she was old and scary-looking like Sarah. God consents and Rebekah conceives. Jacob and Esau are rough-wombing, so Rebekah asks God, "Why me?" God answers ambiguously, "Two nations are in your womb. One will be stronger than the other. The elder shall serve the younger. The lie which is the truth shall bring more pain than the truth which is a lie." Unless that last one if from somewhere else. Rebekah delivers twins! The first comes out all read and hairy, so she names him Ember. I mean, Esau. The second comes out holding the heel of the first, so Rebekah names him Jacob. Isaac is 60 years old when his children are born. They boys become men. Esau is a cunning hunter. Jacob is a slacker. Isaac loves Esau because he has meat in his mouth. Rebekah loves Jacob because he is a momma's boy. One day, Jacob is boiling vegetable soup when Esau comes home feeling faint from a hard day of unsuccessful hunting. Esau asks Jacob to feed him some of that red soup. Esau gets the nickname 'Edom' meaning 'Red' because he asked for red soup one time. Jacob offers his soup for the low, low price of one birthright. Esau says, "Yo, if I don't get any soup, Bro, I'm gonna croak. And what shall the birthright do me then, Bro?" Jacob says, "Quick! Cup my tethticleth and thwear you will give me your birthright!" Esau swears and sells Jacob his birthright for one crappy bowl of red lentil soup and a slice of bread. Esau eats and drinks and leaves. Esau despised his birthright.
STUDY QUESTIONS! Isaac was married to Rebekah for twenty years before she conceived. I'm sure Isaac and Rebekah were praying to God the whole time for a child, so why did it take twenty years? Don't you think it was probably because Isaac had a low sperm count and not because Rebekah was barren and God suddenly intervened? Isn't it typical that the couple's childlessness was blamed on the woman? Hey, isn't it strange that Isaac and Rebekah's relationship is starting out exactly like Abraham and Sarah's? That's an odd coincidence, isn't it? I'm sure that will be the only one though! It's not like any author of any note (like me or God) would just take the same exact story and retell it by changing a few small details and the names of the main characters. Right? I hate to point out the next big coincidence so soon, but isn't it odd that Isaac and Rebekah are giving birth to two children who shall represent two different nations which will be in conflict? That's nothing like Ishmael and Isaac, right? Rebekah has some really bad gas while pregnant and so she questions the Lord about it. Is this really the kind of stuff that God has to listen to from millions of people every day? "Oh God, my poop is like peanut butter. Why me?!" "Oh God, that tuna salad I ate isn't sitting very well. Why me?!" "Oh God, my penis is caught in the swimming pool suction fitting! Why me?!" Do you think he answers all of his fan mail or just the ones that seem to be really important? How do you think he would determine which he should answer? Since Man is made in God's image, don't you think he would help out the guy in the pool immediately because he understands how horrible it would be to have his own penis stuck in a black hole? Where did God get the idea for the vagina if he made man in his image and then he created woman just after, as it says in Genesis 1:27? If you gave birth to a big, hairy, red furry boy, would you name him Hairy? I guess if you thought you were being funny, you would name him Harry! Do you think Rebecca and Jacob just took it in stride that they just gave birth to an ape man? Or does The Bible leave out the part where the midwife's eyes open wide in horror and Rebekah begins to panic and starts yelling, "What's wrong with my baby?!" as Isaac drops the cigars and covers his mouth in shock, mumbling, "Oh my God...Oh my God...."? How come nobody has a last name? Hey, it looks like Rebekah and Isaac were being funny and punny in their child naming foreshadowing in later events by naming the second son Isaac! Get it? Oh, let me explain! Isaac means 'held by the heel'. So that's why they name him that when he's born, because he's holding on to Esau's heel. But Jacob also means 'supplanter'! Which is what he will do later! He'll wrongfully steal Esau's birthright! That's a good one, The Bible! How many parents continually tell their children the lie that they love them all equally? Do those kids read The Bible and see how untrue that is? And forget about loving them unequally too! The Bible clearly states Isaac loved Esau but Rebekah loved Jacob. Doesn't it sound like Isaac didn't love Jacob and Rebecca didn't love Esau? Can you blame Becky for not loving Esau? I mean, seriously! He was a big, red, furry monster! Can you blame Isaac for not loving Jacob? I mean, really! He was a total momma's boy who spent all of his time sitting around in the tent learning how to cook. Did 'Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison' sound dirty to you too? How can you respect Jacob as the father of the twelve tribes of Israel when he stole the birthright from his brother Esau? Okay, technically he sold it to him. But his brother was on the brink of total exhaustion and thought he was going to die (and maybe he was). What kind of a jerk holds out food on his dying brother? And this won't be the least of his jerky slacker tricks, I bet! Why is Esau suddenly nicknamed Edom? Is it the kind of nickname you give to a guy to continually remind him that he made a stupid decision? "Hey, red! Ha ha! Trading your birthright for some red soup! I bet you feel stupid!" Or like when a guy accidentally cuts his right arm off with a chainsaw and people instantly nickname him 'Lefty'? How are Jacob's actions justified? Are we supposed to learn that anything goes when it will be to your advantage? Or is the last line of the Chapter, "Esau despised his birthright", supposed to make it all better? Are we supposed to realize it would have been better for Esau to die hungry than to sell his birthright? I know it would have looked better for Jacob to earn the birthright that way. I mean, except for the fact that Esau would have been found lying dead from hunger on Jacob's kitchen floor with a big pot of lentil soup steaming on the stove. What do you think Abraham thought of his grandchildren? He was still alive when they were born but there is no mention of how horrified he was when he say Baby Esau. Maybe that'll be mentioned later! Do you think The Bible is suggesting that Esau wasn't really dying and just exaggerating when he sold his birthright to Jacob by the statement "Esau despised his birthright"? That doesn't really seem to excuse what Jacob did though. Do you think Esau swore to Jacob by touching his upper thigh? The Bible didn't actually say that but I added it to The Facts anyway because that's how Abraham made people swear
Barrenness
HISTORICAL FACTS Just to keep everyone up-to-date on the Fathers of Judaism, let's look back a bit! Adam went against God's one command and caused everyone forever after to be mortal. Noah was a drunk who cursed his innocent grandkids. Abraham sent one son into the wilderness forever with enough water and bread for a very short picnic and took the other son up a mountain to kill him. Jacob traded a bowl of soup to his brother for his brother's birthright instead of just helping him out like just about every other brother that has ever existed. I'm sure Isaac will do something mean soon. What a bunch of role models! "The lie which is the truth shall bring more pain than the truth which is a lie" is actually a quote from the comic book, Elfquest and not a quote from God. Although you can probably find a lot of people on the internet that think Wendy Pini is God. I think the quote has something to do with the fact that the Pinis have lied for years about an Elfquest movie and the truth is that there will never be one. In Elfquest, Lord Voll of the Gliders was much like Moses in that he lived in exile from the land of his ancestors. He then led the exodus back to the homeland but was killed by the trolls of the frozen mountains before he could cross over. He never talked to a burning bush although he did sometimes hear a schizophrenic troll. If the Baroness and Destro had ever had any children, Destro would have sold them to Cobra. Unless Destro was working for the Joes when the child was born and then he would love it because he was being good Destro. Or maybe Destro was acting as leader of his own team of Iron Whatsits when the child was born and then maybe he'd just make the Baroness stay home to take care of it. Or maybe it was Destro's doppelganger that knocked up the Baroness and then Destro would have to kill the child. One thing is for sure, Destro sure was involved in a lot of drama. Jacob's Authentic Middle Eastern Red Lentil Soup
ESSAY
ASSIGNMENT. A.
Which child would you love better, Jacob or Esau? Do you love the good
looking slacker or the hard working freak? Who is the real monster?
DRAWING TIME! Draw (what else?) Esau! You can draw Jacob too if you want too.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? The ends justify the means. |
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