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CHAPTER TWENTY
FIVE
God visited Sarah and did unto Sarah what he had spoken. Which I'm pretty sure was just the whole visiting part. So what he had spoken (visiting in a year's time) is what he did when he visited Sarah. Sarah conceives. Sarah beshat Isaac. Abraham circumcises Isaac at eight days old. Abraham was 100 years old. Sarah says that God has made her laugh and so everyone will laugh with her. Or at her son because of his stupid name which means 'laugh at me' or something. Sarah says, "In your face, everyone who didn't think I'd give old man Abraham a child! Because I did! Ha!" Or else she says her kid sucks. One of those two things.
STUDY QUESTIONS! There isn't really a lot to think about in this chapter, is there? Can you imagine a 90 year old woman giving birth? *shudder* *vomit* Is there some kind of pill I can take to get that image out of my head? What could I take with alcohol to erase my memory? Why would The Bible haunt me with such a disgusting image? Do they teach this kind of thing in Sunday School? Do little kids learn about Sarah the 90 year old woman who has a child? As a Christian, how do you explain how miraculous and disgusting this is to a small child who you're trying to hide the facts of childbirth and conception from? If doing it didn't feel so good, would parents try to keep the facts of life away from children? People say it's beautiful and natural but then they yell at kids who touch each other. If it felt like being hit in the head with a hammer, would parents not care if their kids knew how to do it to each other? Why do people try to keep other people from doing things that are fun or feel good, like sex and drugs? But they encourage things like hard work and education which are no fun at all? What's wrong with people? Does everyone in America hate life? Weren't you glad Abraham kept up his covenant with God and mutilated his child? He was 100 years old so I was expecting him to forget about the whole deal. If you were a 90 year old woman, wouldn't you rather be dead than have another child? I'm pretty sure I would! Why would Sarah name her kid something that means 'he laughs'? She should have named him 'God made me laugh but I denied laughing and made God mad at me' instead.
FAITH vs SCIENCE
HISTORICAL FACTS Unlike Isaac, The South Park movie does not have a covenant with God. When I first started reading The Bible, I kept wishing it had pictures. After this Chapter, I'm really happy it doesn't. Batman wasn't named after the baseball bat like you might have thought because he beats up bad guys in the same way that a baseball bat does. He was named after a bird that lives in a cave and flies around at night getting stuck in people's hair. Sarah actually named Isaac 'He Laughs' because giving birth to him laughed in the face of reason and common sense. This Chapter was so short, I'll write a story instead of giving out an Essay Assignment. The Water Pirates A long time from now in the far future, pirates learned to fly space ships because there wasn't enough water in the galaxy to sail their boats. Also, since people still needed water to live even though it was the future and you would have thought they'd have come up with a better system by then, the pirates decided they would steal water from government ships to make their pirate living. Am I using the right verb tenses for telling a story about the future? Since it hasn't happened yet, shouldn't I say, "Pirates will learn to fly space ships" and "Pirates will decide they will have to steal water"? So the lead Pirate whose name was Jasonson decided to board a government ship like I mentioned earlier. The reason he had to steal from a government ship was because the government controlled all of the water somehow and it was really valuable even though people were somehow able to continue to drink it since they weren't dead. Maybe there was some sort of government subsidy or something. So Jay Jasonson (which was his full and correct name) boarded a ship to steal their ice, I mean water. He and Morticia and Hellboy and the black guy and a bunch of robo-androids cut a hole through the hull (hee hee!) of the ship to board it! After they did that, there was this funny part with an alien taking a dump and they had to fight him and then they took some water and stole a princess too! They would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the lasers and the dog! Actually Hellboy and Morticia got away but Jay Jasonson and his black sidekick didn't make it! They were thrown in jail where they met John Madden and escaped with the help of the robot pimp. So then they found some pigs and a couple of donkeys but they were just baby pigs and baby donkeys (until later when they entered the time warp which is foreshadowing) and their space ship got Space Chlamydia! But then they had to find the princess's father who had escaped to the 7th world where all of the water was which would turn out to be earth although that doesn't make any sense since earth is the 3rd planet. So there's this really action packed bit where they fight nearly naked ladies on unicorns. No, wait! They are totally naked and Jay Jasonson scores with probably half of them while John Madden uses his pencil to diagram their battle and the black guy makes some sound effects that totally sound like the real thing. But then they're almost caught by the evil government official who attacks their ship and they all die except for Jay Jasonson's son who rescues them at the last second. So I guess they don't all die but they might as well since they're all old from the time warp that I mentioned they were going to go through which they finally did. But then it was all a dream! Everyone was okay! And they arrived at earth which is the 7th planet when you're approaching it from the other way! Surprise! THE END!
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture of the two animals you think mated to produce a Unicorn!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? You're expected to laugh at old women who give birth. |
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