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 CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
Abraham and Abimelech, Genesis 20:1 - 20:18.

THE FACTS!

Abraham sojourns to Gerar.

Abraham, once again, says Sarah is his sister. Even though she's old and hardly good looking and why would anyone kill him for her?

Abimelech, king of Gerar, takes Sarah.

God comes to Abimelech in a dream and says, "Ye art thou a dead man for the woman ye hath yonder taken is somebody's wife!"

Abimelech had yet to do it to her so he retorts, "Would thou killest a righteous nation?"

Abimelech continues, "For hathn't they both, the female and the male, lieth to my face and sayeth that each is the other's sister or brother? By my heart and hands, I am innocent."

God responds, "Yeah verily, I know ye are a stand up guy which is why I didst cock-block thee and keep thee from sinning against me also by doing it to a married woman."

God also says, "So give her back to her brother, I mean, husband. He is a prophet and shall pray for thee and thou shalt live. But if you don't return her, you and yours shall all perish."

Abimelech awoke early and, luckily, remember his dream which he told to all of his servants.

Abimelech's servants were sore and afraid.

Abimelech channels Pharaoh when he says, "What hast thou done to me? Why would you bring this great sin upon me? What did I ever do to you? Who would do this kind of thing?!"

Abimelech continues, "What made you do this?"

Abraham says, "I judged you as heathens before I ever knew any of you and figured that you'd kill me and take my wife. Like those Ungodly Egyptians! And, um, by the way, she actually is my half-sister by my father, Terah. And I married her!"

Abraham tells how he asked Sarah to tell everyone they met wherever they went that Abraham was her brother.

Abimelech returns Sarah to Abraham along with a whole bunch of Sheep and Oxen and Manservants and Womanservants.

Abimelech welcomes Abraham and Sarah to live wherever they please anywhere in his land.

Abimelech reproves Sarah, "I have given your brother 1000 silver pieces. He is a blindfold to thee for all that are with thee and all others."

Abraham prays to God.

God heals Abimelech of the curse where He closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech after Abimelech married Sarah. "My bad!" he probably said.

Abimelech and his wife and his maidservants bare children.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Isn't this just a repeat from Chapter Twelve? Abimelech didn't happen to be a Pharaoh, did he? And Gerar wasn't perhaps, oh, let's see, EGYPT? Okay, we'll pretend this isn't the same story being retold in a different way and out of order.

Why is Abraham traveling again? Did the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah scare the bejesus out of him so he fled the area? What was the term during Abraham's time for 'bejesus' since Jesus has yet to exist? Beadam? Benoah? Beyahweh?

So since we're pretending this is a new story since The Bible did stick it in here and Abraham and Sarah are not Abram and Sarai and it's supposed to be some sort of history if you believe in that kind of thing, why is Abraham still claiming that Sarah is his sister? Didn't he learn his lesson with Pharaoh? Oh, that's right! He probably did learn a lesson from that. The lesson is that this scam pays out big time!

Why would Abraham need to pretend Sarah is his sister? The first time it was because she was so hot. But now she's 90 years old. How hot can she be? Did we get the word Geriatric from Gerar because the people in Gerar were hot for wrinkly old bags?

Why does God visit Abimelech in a dream? Shouldn't God be speaking directly with Abraham and telling him that he's being a douche?

Who is Abimelech and why does he hate this God speaking to him in a dream stuff seriously? Is he a follower of Yahweh also? Or does he just respect God's power? Has he heard what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah?

Do you think it was God's power that kept Abimelech from having sexual relations with Sarah or do you think it might have been when Abimelech saw her naked that kept him from touching her?

Do you think Sarah at 90 was better looking than Madonna at 50?

Why does God spoil Abraham? He should be punishing and chastising Abraham for making other people sin instead of cursing Abraham's victims with closed wombs and plagues. It's like those billboards in California that read, "She said she's 18 is no excuse." Well, um, actually, yeah, it kind of is! What am I, a human lie detector? Those only exist in really, really stupid and lame shows like The Mentalist and Lie to Me. Am I supposed to bisect her and count her rings before banging her? Seriously, have you seen some 15 year olds? What if she had a fake I.D.? Is that an excuse? What if she had a fake Birth Certificate? Tell me, California Billboard, when am I off the hook? Never? Should I just never do it? I mean never do it anymore.

Shouldn't God hold off cursing Abimelech until after Abimelech refuses to return Sarah? It just seems a waste of time to curse him when he seems like he's contrite and ready to restore Sarah to Abraham. I guess there is no such thing as wasted time or resources if you're God. How can you waste infinity? I guess God can since he's Omnipotent! So maybe he should worry about it! But since he's Omniscient, he doesn't ever need to worry since worry only exists when you're unsure of the outcome of something and God knows every outcome. I think maybe God would be more believable if he wasn't so powerful.

Abimelech really has a point when he confronts Abraham. Why would Abraham do that to him? What did he ever do to him? Why is Abraham even in Gerar? I could use a little motivation here! At least there was a famine last time.

Were you surprised by the sudden soap opera reveal that Sarah really is Abraham's sister? Disgusting! Oh, so I guess it's all okay now. Lie forgiven since you really did marry your sister! I'm glad Abraham isn't the Father of My People! Or Lot either!

Why does Abimelech give Abraham a whole bunch of goods and sheep and slaves for tricking him into a fight with God? All he really needed to do was return Sarah. This is just going to encourage Abraham to pull this stunt again! How many more kings do you think Abraham will trick out of tons of loot before Genesis is over?

What is the 1000 silver pieces for? Betrayal? Why does Abimelech need to pay off Abraham? He says the 1000 silver pieces will make Abraham a blindfold for Sarah or something to hide Sarah from the eyes of others or something. I think it is a bribe so that Abraham doesn't go around telling everyone that Abimelech is into old married women.

Was Abraham the first evangelist? He sure made a lot of money off of other people without actually doing anything except professing a belief in God. What a bum.

When Actual Christians or Jews read The Bible, do they care that this Chapter is just a repeat that shouldn't have been included? Or should it replace the Pharaoh chapter since this one is told better. Or do they actually believe that in between the God renamed Adam and Sarah and Isaac was born (one year), Sarah and Abraham had this little Abimelech adventure?

Besides the roofing and the driveway scams, the other Gypsy Scam you should watch out for is the one where the guy enters town with his sister and then you end up marrying his sister and then they say, "Surprise! We're actually married!", and you have to give them lots of sheep and goats and camels and manservants and maidservants to keep them from going to the police or God.

In Salt Lake City, billboards exist that say, "Real men don't use porn." And on the billboard is a line up of many stereotypes like firefighters, cowboys, policemen, construction workers and motorcyclists. You know, like real men.

Mormons have never heard of The Village People.

Hey hey hey! Rerun was a pretty good dancer for a 400 pound black guy in a beret.

A. If you were God, how would you have dealt with this situation differently?
B. What did the writers of The Bible want you to learn from this story? It must be important since this is the second time we've seen it. Do you think we'll see it again? That would be pretty ridiculous, wouldn't it?
C. Rate the characters from What's Happening? from best to worst. My list begins with Dwayne Wayne and ends with Dee! Don't cheat and steal my idea!

DRAWING TIME!

Us Art Therapy to show how disappointed you were when you realized The Bible was plagiarizing itself.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If you want to tell a half-truth and bring down the wrath of God on an innocent person, it's okay because God will back you up and make you richer.