By Grunion Guy

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 CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
Hagar and Ishmael Cast Out, Genesis 21:8 - 21:21.


THE FACTS!

Isaac grows and is weaned.

Abraham makes a great feast on the day Isaac is weaned.

Sarah sees Ishmael mocking her. Or Isaac. He was mocking something, anyway.

Sarah tells Abraham to cast out Hagar and Ishmael as she won't have the Egyptian's son as an heir beside Isaac.

The situation gives Abraham a tummy ache.

God says to Abraham, "Don't be so upset about kicking out your son. Listen to your wife in this matter. Isaac will call your seeds. And don't worry about Ishmael. He's still your son and you remember I said I'd bless all of your seeds, so Ishmael shall start a great nation also."

Early the next day, Abraham gives some bread and water to Hagar and Ishmael and sends them packing.

Hagar and Ishmael wander to Beer-Sheba. Sounds good!

When Hagar runs out of water, she tossed Ishmael under a bush.

Hagar wanders off a bowshot's length so she will not have to see the death of her child.

Hagar wails and cries.

God hears the child crying.

The angel of God tells Hagar to buck up since God has heard the crying of her child.

God says to Hagar, "Arise and lift up the lad for I shall make of him a great nation."

God opens Hagar's eyes.

Hagar sees she's been sitting next to a well and fills the bottle.

Hagar gives water to the child.

Ishmael grows up in the wilderness of Paran and becomes an archer.

Hagar brings Ishmael a wife out of Egypt.

 

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Isn't Sarah just the biggest bitch in The Bible? Ishmael probably stuck his tongue out or crossed his eyes or something silly, like kids do, and she gets Abraham to kick him out of the house! Of course, Ishmael is fourteen or fifteen or some-teen since I don't really know what age kids are usually weaned. Or what that means, even! I should look it up in the dictionary! ...Eww!

Who does Sarah think she is? She laughs at God and lies to God's face about it. She tells her husband to sleep with her servant and gets mad at Abraham for it. She gives her servant to Abraham so her servant will get pregnant and then gets jealous when her plan succeeds. Some snotty kid acts up at Isaac's Weaning Party and she makes her husband kick the kid and his mother out of the house to die in the wilderness. And the kid is her husband's first born son! Do you hate Sarah as much as I do?

Man, what a bitch! Am I right?

Isn't the man supposed to rule over the woman? God put that curse on women because of Eve. So why does Sarah keep trying to tell Abraham what to do? I bet if God hadn't intervened and told Abraham to go ahead and do as Sarah demanded, Abraham would have punched her in both eyes.

What do you say to a woman with two black guys? Nothing, you've already told her twice! I never understood that joke.

How old do you suppose Isaac was when he was weaned? The Bible is usually pretty good about giving people's ages at these special times in their lives but not this time. Do you think it was an embarrassing age like 12 or 13? It was probably more like 3 months. I'm pretty sure Sarah's bosom couldn't produce a whole lot of milk at 90 years old.

Abraham gives Hagar and Ishmael one bottle of water and a loaf of bread before sending them out in the wilderness. Is he trying to kill them? Or is he finally trusting in God's word without asking fifteen million questions?

Did you also think Hagar was being selfish with the bread when she dumped Ishmael in the bush? Even though it was because she couldn't stand to watch her son die, I still thought it was horrible that she'd leave her kid to die all alone.

How stupid is Hagar? Did she really need God to point out the well she was practically sitting against? She's seen wells before! She even named God near one!

What were you supposed to learn from this Chapter? Who sinned? Did Abraham do the right thing, like throwing a garbage can through the pizzeria window? Did Sarah do the wrong thing? Is Ishmael going to shoot somebody's eye out?

Don't you wish we had a Twitter Log of all The Bible characters? Do people make up fake Bible Twitter accounts? Or do they just do Darth Vader and Perry Mason? I wonder how many people have a Twitter account for their penis?

Ishmael is circumcised, so he has a covenant with God. And God is with him as he grows up in Paran to become a great archer. Do you think Ishmael's nation will be as great and mighty as Isaac's? If not, why not? Why would God favor one over the other when they've both been blessed and they've both got the mutilated penis covenant reminder? I don't know what is going to happen to Ishmael's nation! Let's keep a close eye on him and his seeds as we continue!

Do you think the woman Hagar took from Egypt to be Ishmael's wife was related to her? I bet she was since Egyptians and Gerarians love sisters. Especially Abraham's.

 

FAITH vs SCIENCE
Women, Part One

Science
Science would have you believe that women are inscrutable mysteries. Unless that's society and women who would like you to think that. Science probably knows better than to say that they're not mysteries out loud because science wants to get laid once in a while too! Women are not complex. They are simple. Just because a woman gets angry at you because you didn't know why she was angry or she gets mad at you because you didn't do something she wanted you to do but didn't tell you because if she had to tell you, how can it mean anything, that doesn't make her complex. It makes her a passive aggressive jerk. If you want to be mad, be mad for a real reason than I didn't read you stupid mind!		 Faith
Religion puts women in their place! God curses them right off the bat to follow man's orders. But do they get the hint? I know Sarah didn't! Lot's wife didn't either! Neither did Lot's daughters, I think. In religion, women can be inscrutable mysteries all they want as long as they listen to their husbands. I guess the nagging Sarah does is okay because even though it sounds like she's telling Abraham what to do, I think she's really just suggesting, really loudly, what to do. Because when she gets mad at Abraham for getting her slave pregnant even though that's what she said she wanted but I guess she didn't really want that (she probably wanted Abraham to go, "Oh no, dear! I could never fornicate with anyone but you!" instead of "OKALEE DOKALEE! BOING!"), Abraham puts her in her place and says, "Look. Leave me out of it. Do whatever you want to her. She's your slave. Now let me watch the game in peace already!"
The Winner: NOT MEN!
I was watching The Amazing Race when the two cheerleaders who yell at everybody who can't speak English said, "I don't know why an all female team hasn't won The Amazing Race in 14 seasons." Really? You don't know? You want me to tell you? It's because women think they're equal. And whether or not they're equal doesn't matter when, as a woman, you think you have to fight to be equal. It means you fight when you don't have to fight. You argue when you don't have to argue. Everything is a competition and everything is about proving that a woman can do it too! You know what the guys are trying to prove? Nothing. They just want one million dollars. So stop thinking everything is some grand historical moment for the female gender and just act like an individual. Also, women are never going to be socially equal until they can sleep with random guys and not have other women call them sluts or whores. Also, you're not equal if you think you have to fight to be equal. Just be equal already and shut up!

 

HISTORICAL FACTS

Twitter is the commentary track on a DVD you're not watching.

In the late 1700s, Weaning Parties were all the rage in Paris. They quickly lost favor when most of them began to end in Guillotinnings.

The following Search Terms have been used to find Lyle's Study Guide on the Internet:

1. How long would it take to load all animals on the ark
2. descendants of adam so old before they had kids
3. how to draw an anaconda hanging on a tree
4. why did god created whales?
5. which bible guy was 500 years old
6. you gotta be strong and you gotta hero
7. how can a anaconda snake be a teaching of the bible
8. was noah racist?
9. cain bad reputation bible
10. why did god chose a ribs to make eve
11. what animals did God tell Noah not to take
12. in the story of noah's ark is god responsible for killing everything

The real reason Sarah became upset with Ishmael is because he blew out Isaac's candles on his Weaning Cake and then ran in circles until he barfed.

Twitter is the place to upload your precious bon mots that you don't think enough of your friends heard you say.

Once in college, my teacher had everyone in class write one word on a piece of paper that they thought described themselves. I probably wrote 'Genius' or 'Writer' or something awesome. Then he put all the words on the board according to the gender of the person who wrote it. So he had a big list of words on the male side and a big list of words on the female side. 'Smart' and 'Emotional' were both on the male side. He asked the women which word they would like to take from the men's side to describe females. The women agreed that 'Smart' should be added to their side. I said, "I think Emotional should be on the women's side." And guess what? They all got angry! Grunion Guy: 1, Women: 0!

 

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Write a story from Ishmael's point of view as he attends Isaac's Weaning Feast. Make it as good as The Outsiders.
B. Imagine how Isaac and Ishmael's descendants will interact with each other. Probably through war, right?
C. Remember that Study Question where I asked what we were supposed to learn from this Chapter? Answer it here instead! Because I'd really like to know who did what wrong or right or whatever! I think Abraham finally did good in God's Eyes by doing as God said without question. But that also means he did what Sarah demanded and wouldn't that make Abraham seem weak and easily manipulated in Sarah's eyes? I bet Abraham ends up regretting his actions!

 

DRAWING TIME!

What does a Weaning Feast look like?

 

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

If you're a step-child or a half-child, don't act up in front of your non-blood parent because even God thinks it's okay for you to be kicked out of the house because of it.