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 CHAPTER SEVEN
The Covenant with Noah, Genesis 9:1 - 9:19.

THE FACTS!

God blesses Noah and his sons.

God repeats the go forth and be fruitful and multiply thing again.

God makes the animals and fish and birds afraid of Man.

God finally gives the okay to eat meat. Apparently he really liked the smell of bacon.

God says don't eat the flesh which is the life which is the blood.

God requires Man's blood at the hands of animals, at the hands of brothers, in socks, on a box.

A man shedding another man's blood will get his blood shed by another man. And so on.

God repeats himself yet again. Fruitful. Multiply. Got it. God it! Ha ha!

God establishes a Covenant with Noah and his seeds.

God establishes his Covenant with all of the animals too.

God rewords his Total Destruction Insurance Policy to only protect against floods that destroy everything.

God sets his bow in a cloud. How cute!

God will occasionally show off his bow so that He and Man can remember the Covenant.

God plans to gaze at his bow.

Shem and Ham and Japheth repopulate the earth. Starting with Canaan who was beshat by Ham.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why does God kill everything when his only real request has been for Man to be fruitful and multiply? If he didn't want everyone to be evil and violent also, he really should have said something. The quality of the children didn't seem to be important. He just wanted Man to make more and more. So why the total destruction, God?

Why does God make the animals fear Man? I bet it has something to do with all the animals really liking Noah and hanging around him so that it was really easy for him to scoop them up and throw them on the burning altar. Is God giving animals a fair chance at surviving against violent, evil Man?

God gives man the right to eat meat. This is generations after the Cain and Abel story. So all this time, Man was only supposed to eat the green grasses and herbs. So how was Cain supposed to know God wanted blood and burnt offerings when the animals were buddies and not lunch boxes? Don't you think that was a bit unfair of God? Is that why God only punished Cain with protection from all physical harm? Um, is that a punishment?

What does God mean when he says 'flesh with the life thereof'? Does he mean blood? Does he mean the heart? Does he mean the brain? Does he mean the soul pedestal which, I think, is the appendix? Perhaps he means 'life' in the sense that Man has a different kind of life force than animals and he's actually just advocating against Cannibalism? Who can tell? Is this whole book just a guessing game for the Reader?

Is this the most telling verse in The Bible so far: '9:6 Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.' Is this a warning that since Man is made in God's image, if a man is killed, Man will act like God and punish that man with death? Or is this another threat by Jerkovah?

Did the phrase 'God made He-man' make you smile a little bit?

Why does God keep repeating himself? Isn't The Bible long enough?

Why does God kill everything when his only request is...wait, now I'm repeating myself!

God speaks to Noah and his sons. Why doesn't God talk to groups of people more often? Isn't that more believable than one wacky man saying God spoke to him and then twelve or whatever number of men have to believe that one guy?

How can God have a contract with animals? I guess it could be an Oral Covenant if they can all still talk like the Serpent could. But The Bible doesn't say he talks or squeaks or squawks with the animals, just Noah and his sons. Shouldn't the animals have an arbiter?

God's Covenant with Noah: 'Neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.' Is God a lawyer? What good is a contract from a Being that can do whatever he wants when all he is promising is to not kill ALL life by FLOOD? I can see a lot of Loopholes already in that Covenant and I'm not even a TV Judge!

When God places a bow in the clouds as a token of the Covenant, did you think he meant a Christmas Bow or a Bow and Arrow Bow? Because he is pretty violent. Oh, hey! I bet he meant a Rainbow!

Does God think Gay Pride Parades are celebrations of his Covenant with Noah?

Do you think God meant to be ambiguous when He says 'Bow'? Do you think it's a subtle threat? 'Hey, here's our contract! And I'm going to set my dangerous weapon up in this cloud overhead just to show you what I can do, you know, if you act up or I'm feeling pissy.' And then men look up in fear and shake and then the rainbow appears after the flood rains and they smile all joyfully and thank God for being beautiful instead of mean. But we know what God really wants to do, right?

Why does God continually repeat that he's made a Covenant between Himself and all living flesh? He reminds man seven times in just 19 Verses. Is He bragging about His cool new Covenant concept? Or does He know man is just dumb?

The whole earth was overspread by the sons of Noah. So having sex with your First Cousin is okay, according to The Bible. Right? I know this isn't much of a question. I just want to be clear on this point.

Having sex with your First Cousin isn't as sexy as you might think. Even if you're thinking it would be nasty and hardly sexy at all, my first statement is still true. It's even worse than how bad you think it already is!

Thanksgiving and Christmas can be really awkward if you've had sex with your Cousin one time and then you wanted to have sex with her again but she now thinks you're gross and what you did was wrong and she won't even look at you or read your love letters.

All of my cousins are fish so don't think I've had sex with any of my cousins just because I'm a good Writer and can think up hyperethical situations that didn't really happen.

One time, there was this girl named Susan who was somebody's cousin and somebody still really misses her a whole lot.

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Write a love letter that would make a woman you once had a fleeting relationship with (but she never wanted to have anything to do with you after that) love you again. Make it super convincing and romantic.
B. Write a theological treatise detailing the first few Chapters of Genesis and how the lessons and morals learned from it can be applied to life in this day and age. Include contrasting or comparative examples from the Koran, the I Ching and the tenets of Buddhism. Use Quantum Physics to back up your statements.
C. You should really just choose between A or B this time. Don't forget to send me what you write!

DRAWING TIME!

Draw the aftermath of any recent flood. Include a rainbow, God gazing lovingly at the scene and atheists crying and/or dead.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS CONVENIENTLY FORGET?

The rainbow is a sign of God's covenant with Noah and not a mark of sexuality.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Sometimes people like Animal Rights Activists will get upset with Christians for the way they don't really care about animal rights. And the Christians will point out that God gave them dominion over the animals. And the Animal Rights Activists will say that doesn't give Mankind the right to be a total jerk to the animals and slaughter them for jackets and shoes and keep them penned up in tiny cubes to steal their meat and babies!

Well, if you ever get into an argument like that, just point those Animal Lovers right to this chapter where God gives all the animals the fear of mankind! God gives Man every right to abuse animals and treat them horribly right there in Genesis 9:2 - 9:3! Take that, PETA!