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Pickle Boy's Answer to Essay Question C

CHAPTER SIX
The Flood, Genesis 6:1 - 8:22

THE FACTS!

Daughters were born.

God's sons thought the daughters of Man were hot.

God's spirit doesn't jive with man and his life expectancy drops to 120 years.

Giants are in the earth.

Man's daughters have God's sons' children. These children become mighty men.

Man thinks evil thoughts continuously and often.

God decides to destroy everything by sweeping all of the pieces off of the board.

Noah made puppy dog eyes at God and God changed his mind a little, tiny bit.

Man is violent and flesh which corrupts the earth.

God sends Noah the plans for a Gopher Wood Ark.

God gives Noah the guest list for the cruise: Noah, his wife, his sons, his sons' wives and two of every living thing, male and female.

God changes his mind about the number of animals: seven pairs of each clean beast and one pair of every dirty beast. Or two pairs of every dirty beast and just seven of each clean beast. God is confusing.

Noah loads the ark according to God's first list since seven of every single clean animal probably seemed like a bit much.

On February 17th, 600 AN, the rains begin and last until March 29th. Unless it was a leap year and then March 28th.

Noah forgets the unicorns.

The floods kill everything except Noah and the things on the ark and the fishes and stuff that doesn't breathe through its nose.

One hundred and fifty days after the rain started, on July 17th, the waters abated and the ark came to rest upon the mountains of Ararat.

The water continued to drain and on October 1st, the tops of the mountains were seen.

On November 9th, Noah opens the windows and shoves out the Raven which keeps trying to return but Noah shoos it away.

Noah sends out the Dove and lets her back in to rest when she returns because no dry land exists for her to rest upon. He swats at the Raven and shuts the window.

On November 16th, Noah sends the Dove back out.

The Dove returns with an olive leaf which proves to Noah that the water has abated because he apparently couldn't see out of the window.

On November 23rd, Noah sends the Dove back out. It never returns. The Raven also nevermore returns.

On January 1st, 601 AN, Noah opens up the ark and beholds dry land.

On February 27th, 601 AN, the earth was completely dry.

God tells Noah to set the beasts free so they can once again be fruitful and multiply just like before but different now for some reason.

Noah builds an altar to God and burnt sacrifices one of every clean animal to God.

God smells bacon (unless bacon is a filthy animal. And then he just smells pork chops) and decides to never again curse the ground due to man always being an evil jerk. He also vows never again to destroy all living things.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Who are God's sons and why do they show such interest in female flesh? Jesus was supposedly God's only Son and he wasn't interested in girls at all! The next time somebody says God gave his only begotten son to save mankind, remind them of Genesis 6:2.

Are the Giants which are briefly mentioned actually dinosaurs? Do you think Noah ever rode a Brontosaurus? Or is that just ridiculous? He probably rode something smaller.

Why do people continue to think God is infallible when just five pages into The Bible, he's repenting creating man? God acknowledges his own mistake and decides to take action to correct it. Why do Christians ignore this? Because it is in The Old Testament? Why don't they just throw The Old Testament away since it disagrees so often with Jesus? Is that because they won't have the correct passages to hate gay people if they do?

If God was so unhappy about man being evil, why did he make evil in men? And if you're sputtering at that question and yelling, 'Free will! Free will!', why did he make free will if it just led him to repent making man and drowning them all? Why give man a choice if God is just going to punish and destroy man if they don't make the choice God wants them to make? Is he just a jerk?

What did the animals do that was so wrong? Hasn't God heard about throwing out the baby in the trash water and how you shouldn't do that?

Why was Noah so perfect? What made him gain grace in the eyes of the Lord? It's not like anybody had a list of rules or commandments to follow. Nobody had a book that told them in silly parables and ambiguous phrases how they should act. So how did Noah know to not be evil when everybody else was eviling up the joint?

So flesh has corrupted God's ways upon the earth by making all things violent. How does God correct this? By killing everything even though violence isn't His way because that is expressly stated in my last statement. Or not expressly. But logically! Doesn't Man have a right to be thoroughly confused?

God tells Noah to make an Ark 30 Cubits high. The flood waters only rise 15 Cubits before they cover the mountains. Assuming it took 15 Cubits to cover Mt Everest, does that mean Noah built an Ark that was 12 miles high by 120 miles long and 20 miles wide? That's not an Ark; that's a space station!

Does the term 'Gopher Wood' sound dirty to you too?

It's not clear how long God gives Noah to build his Super Ark but it seems like Noah's given just seven days to collect all of the animals. Could you collect two of every animal in just seven days? Maybe if you didn't have to determine the sex of each one. How long does it take to tell the gender of a snake or a mosquito? I couldn't do it. How was it that Noah could?

I've seen religious toys of Noah's boat with a bunch of animals included. But they never include every animal. Why not? Is it too much to ask for a toy manufacturer to make every animal but not too much to ask for an old man to collect two of every animal?

God tells Noah to get two of each animal and then says something about seven of the clean ones. What is the difference between a clean beast and a dirty beast? God doesn't explain, so how did Noah know which were which? Which animals would you put into each category? I bet Noah was going to put the dogs in the clean animal group until he saw one of them eat its own poo.

Noah marches all of the animals in on the same day the rain starts. Don't you think he procrastinated a bit? How long would it take to load an ark with all of these animals? The Bible sure is straining my logic circuits.

Why does Noah not let the Raven back in the ark? The Bible says it flies to and fro but Noah never lets it back on the Ark like he does the Dove. What did the Raven do wrong? Is Noah racist?

Did the Dove and the Olive Branch gain their reputations as peace makers because of this story? You'd think they would have gained the reputation to tell when flood waters had receded.

Noah only marched in two of each animal. This might be seen as a problem now that Noah sacrifices one of each clean beast after the ark comes to rest. Do you think he messed up God's plan? Or do you think Noah was butchering the young animals that might have been born aboard the ark? Or maybe the females are all pregnant by this time and he's killing the baby daddy animals? Although this is all rampant speculation and not actually in The Bible, so don't you have to believe that Noah screwed up and killed half of the animals he saved, thus leaving a bunch of clean animals that have no mates?

God clearly states that he will no longer curse the ground because of Man. Is this because he realizes he should punish Man and not everything else? Did God learn a lesson?

God says he will never again destroy every living thing on earth. So why are people always talking about Judgment Day? Are they calling God a liar?

Noah had to wrestle every animal and win before it would consent to going on the ark adventure. Even spiders.

Noah's wife never spoke to him again after the flood.

It takes only seconds to determine the gender of a goat, a horse or an elephant. A lot of other animals are easy to spot as well because, like the goat and the horse and the elephant, many of them have giant testicles and wieners.

Noah's sons spent the entire time in the ark shoveling animal poop over the sides of the ship while their wives sunbathed on the deck with the penguins.

Ham was the first person ever to have Hepatitis.

Noah gathered two Albatross for the ark but many, many survived by flying the entire time, making the Albatross the only bird immune to God's covenant with all living creatures. This may or may not make it a devil woman. Also, the barracuda was somehow immune too for some reason.

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Write a saucy sailor's song that Noah and his sons might have sung on their voyage.
B. Make a list of all the animals known to mankind. How long did that take you?
C. Answer this riddle: How is the Ark like The Bible? (E-mail me for the answer if you can't figure it out yourself!)

DRAWING TIME!

Draw the layout for one of the three floors of Noah's Ark, depicting where the different animals were kept and areas for exercise, storage, relaxation and bowel movements.

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

A man built an ark, filled with two of every single animal on the face of the earth, and survived a flood that covered the entire earth for nearly a full year.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Atheists are going to give you a really hard time with this Chapter! They think they're so funny when they point out how it would be impossible to get all of the creature's of the world on on Ark. Especially the creature's that can't live in the Middle Eastern climate that Noah would have had to travel to collect. Like Penguins and Polar Bears!

This is one Chapter that would be a heck of a lot easier to explain if the Bible allowed for enough time between Noah and present day for evolution! Because perhaps evolution could work with the Bible. But only evolution of species that God created out of dust and nothing which he created with the ability to evolve! Perhaps I'll find a Chapter later that will allow for a greater amount of time than the generally accepted 6000 year old Earth. But since I haven't read the whole Bible yet, I have to act like an Informed Literalist at this point and accept that evolution is right out due to time constraints.

So how did Noah get all of these creatures on his boat? I don't know! The Bible says he did it, so he did it! He took two of each creature and shoved them on the boat. Then he also took seven of each clean creature and shoved them on the boat because Noah and his family were probably going to need the milk and stuff provided by the clean creatures. But you can be he only took two pigs and two lobsters!

If you find some of these Chapters hard to justify to Heathens and other Haters, you can also learn a little thing called Deflection! Answer their questions by asking unanswerable questions of your own! And when they don't answer your questions, really press them on the fact that they didn't answer your question! If they tell you you still haven't answered their question, tell them you'll answer it after they answer your question! Just keep pressing them and they'll eventually leave you alone!