Printable Version

SECTION EIGHT
Canaan Cursed; Shem Blessed, Genesis 9:20 - 9:29.

THE FACTS!

Noah starts a winery.

Noah passes out in his tent naked.

Ham peeks at Noah's noodle and tells his brothers about it.

Shem and Japheth walk backwards with a cloth and cover Noah.

Shem and Japheth's faces were backwards so they didn't see their drunk father's dingle.

Noah wakes up.

Somehow Noah knows that Ham spied his tic-tac and gossiped about it.

Noah curses Ham's son to be a servant to his brothers.

Noah blesses Shem and asks the Lord to live in his tent. Unless he wanted Japheth to live in Shem's tent. Probably that second one.

Noah lives for 350 more years, making him 950 years old. I think.

Yep! The next line confirmed my math!

Noah dies.

STUDY QUESTIONS!
Question God and Religion!

Why does Noah suddenly become interested in booze? I mean, really, really interested in it! What do you think he called his Winery? Do you think God approved?

Who taught Noah had to make wine? Why does The Bible tell us a little bit about Cain's descendants and their professions or skills but not Seth's descendants? Were they just bums? Is that how they knew about wine?

Do you think God slapped himself in the forehead when he saw his perfect man lying drunk and naked in a pool of his own vomit? I'm assuming there was vomit because every time I've seen a drunk and naked person, there was lots and lots of vomit. Do you think God should have had a V-8?

Do you think Paul Giamatti would make a good Noah?

How was Ham supposed to not see Noah lying naked in the tent? Should he have walked in backwards just in case? Or do you think Noah was mad because Ham told everyone? How often have you walked in on your father lying naked on the ground? Is this a problem people should be concerned about?

Do you suppose Noah had a small wiener and that's why he was mad that Ham looked at it?

I'm confused. Why was it bad to see Noah naked again? Did I miss that part of The Bible earlier?

What kind of a stupid name is Japheth?

Why does it take Shem and Japheth both to carry Noah's garment? Did he gain a lot of weight on his cruise? Do you think he was as big as Gilbert Grape's mom?

I'm glad The Bible told me that Shem and Japheth's faces were backward when they were walking backward or else I would have pictured them with their heads turned 180 degrees. Was that a question? Oh, there it is!

Shem and Japheth seem to have done this walking backward thing before. As soon as Ham tells them Noah is naked, they get right to the garment-carrying, backward-walking, not-looking choreography without a word between them. Do you think Noah passes out drunk a lot? Maybe he made Prison Wine while on the Ark and that's where he discovered his love of passing out.

How does Noah know that Ham saw him naked when he wakes up? Do you think Shem or Japheth blabbed? I bet it was Shem since he became the blessed one!

What is wrong with Noah? He's as bad as God at casting Curses! He's mad at Ham so he curses Ham's son, Canaan! What did Canaan do wrong? I bet Canaan hated his grandfather.

Noah curses Canaan to be a servant of servants. What kind of servant has his own servants?

Noah curses Canaan to serve his brethren. But brethren means brother, doesn't it? So Ham makes Noah mad. And Noah curses Ham's child, Canaan. But Ham's other children (if he ever has any, which he would need to have for Noah's Curse to make any sense) are now blessed with a servant's servant? Or was Noah being fast and loose with his meaning of the word brethren? Or is my dictionary incorrect?

Are Shem and Japheth the two most wussiest, kiss-buttiest characters in The Bible so far? Worse than Abel?

Does God end up living in the tents of Shem? Or does Japheth? The Bible isn't too clear with its pronouns. If it's Japheth, why does Shem get blessed the most out of everyone? What is Noah's problem with Japheth?

Do you think God could have found a better perfect man than Noah? I mean, seriously? A drunk bastard who curses his grandchild because his son accidentally saw him naked? Now maybe I'm being unclear with my pronouns!

Did you like how this Chapter ended? Me too! Stupid dead Noah!

Seeing your father naked is always a traumatic event except it doesn't usually extend to your child and his eventual profession.

Witch Doctors hate chipmunks.

I've written 30 pages of Bible Commentary from just 8 pages of The Bible. At this rate, I'll end up writing something like fifteen thousand pages. Other people have also written over fifteen thousands of pages of Bible Commentary. About 99% of all of this writing is assumptions and guess work.

Pickle Boy's favorite moment in The Bible is when Ham sees Noah's penis.

ESSAY ASSIGNMENT.
Choose one.

A. Write a short story about Noah as he drank the night away. How did he end up pantsless? Why would he be angry at Ham?
B. Compose a letter to Noah from Canaan.
C. Detail a typical sit-down dinner between Noah and his three sons. Don't worry about Noah's wife since she hasn't been mentioned ever. Except maybe in the cruise passenger manifesto. Be sure to show (don't tell!) Noah's love for his sons in the proper amount as described in The Bible.

DRAWING TIME!

Create a name and label for one of Noah's wines!

WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?

It is wrong to reveal the size of your father's penis if you accidentally see it.

KNOW THY ENEMY

Some Heathens will look at stories in the Bible and jump to the conclusion that God and all of his followers were pretty crazy. In this Chapter, you'd think that Noah punished whole generations of his own offspring because of a simple blundering accident. But that's not true at all! The Bible just doesn't always make itself very clear (which could be a problem if you're one of those people who see The Bible as an Instruction Manual for Life!). So Ham could have been cursed for seeing Noah naked. Or Ham could have been cursed for entering Noah's tent without permission. Or Ham could have been cursed for telling his brother's that he saw Noah naked. Or Ham might have even been cursed for some other misstep he took during this whole naked father fiasco!

So if a Heathen asks you how fair is it that Ham's descendants were cursed for an accident (like I asked earlier in the Study Guide! But you have to admit, it's a fair question!), just tell them they don't know what they're talking about and there are two sides to every story and sometimes not all the facts have been presented properly and God works in mysterious ways. One of those should do it.