| Back | Index | Next |
|
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
Abram receives a vision of the Lord's word. It is, "Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding reward." Abram asks God to explain this reward a little more, especially seeing as how he is childless and, come to think of it, where were those countless seeds he was promised? The steward of Abram's house is Eliezer of Damascus. Abram laments that some strange kid that never came forth from his loins is his heir. The Lord says, "Chill, dude. That ain't your heir. Your heir will come out of your own bowels." Maybe not in those exact words. Hey, I'm not reprinting the Book for you! That would be stealing from God. Or Harper. God has Abram step outside to look at the stars. Abram learns that if he could possibly count the stars, that's how many seeds he will have. That sounds familiar. Abram believes God...for now! God brags about his previous exploits getting Abram out of Ur and giving Abram this land filled with Canaanites and Otherites. Abram says, "Oh yes, that. Um, just curious. When do I get it?" God tells Abram to bring him a 3 year old cow and a 3 year old goat and a 3 year old ram and a turtledove and a pigeon. Abram kills everything but the birds. When the birds land on the dead animals, Abram drives them away. Abram falls asleep as the sun goes down and has a great nightmare. God says Abram's seeds will be strangers in a strange land and shall serve the strangers for four hundred years. God will judge that nation and Abram's seeds shall emerge with great substance. Abram will die in peace at a good old age. In the 4th generation, Abram's seed shall return since they have to wait until the Amorites' wickedness is ripe. When it is dark, a lamp and a smoking furnace pass among the dead animals. That same day, God makes his Covenant with Abram that Abram's seeds will have the land from the Nile to the Euphrates. The same land that is currently occupied by the Kenites and the Kenizzites and the Kadmonites and the Hittites and the Perizzites and the Rephaims and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Gigabytes and the Girgashites and the Jebusites.
STUDY QUESTIONS! When the words of God come to Abram in his vision, do you think they scrolled across space like in Star Wars Episode All of Them? Or do you think he heard them like a schizophrenic might? I don't think hearing voices is considered a vision though. Why does God tell Abram to 'fear not'? What does Abram suddenly have to be afraid of? He just kicked the butts of a bunch of kings with nothing but manservants! Do you think God's just explaining to Abram why he won all of the battles earlier? Because God was his shield and basically Abram is invulnerable now? How big is an 'exceeding great reward'? I don't think there is any reward I could receive where I wouldn't think about how it could be bigger! God must have a really special gift for Abram! And guess what? I'm not the only one curious about it! Shouldn't Abram's first reaction to God speaking to him in his vision be one of wonder and amazement and awe or fear (although it shouldn't be fear since God told him not to fear) and not greed? The first thing he wants to know is what God is going to give him! I guess the amazement and surprise of being spoken to by a God wears off after the first dozen times. Who is Eliezer of Damascus? Where did this person come from? Did you just say 'Damascus', smart ass? Who is the person born in Abram's house that isn't Abram's child but will be Abram's heir? Does this have something to do with the steward, Eliezer? If the owner of the household has no heir, was it common for the appointed steward's children to become the heir? I've seen The Lord of the Rings once or twice and I think maybe I remember that being the case with the crazy guy and his popular son and the son he hated. They were just Steward's kids but they were going to take over the throne until the stupid white tree got better. Do you think Patrick Stewart has a Steward? I bet his name is Stuart! Is Abram's son going to be a turd? God said his child will emerge from his bowels and we all know what a bowel movement is! Was that how children were born back then? Maybe that's why Sarai can't have a child! Because she's constipated! Was Mr. Hanky Kyle's heir? God tells Abram to tell the stars if he can number them. Did Abram actually say, "Stars, I can't number you"? Wouldn't you do everything God asked of you, no matter how silly it seemed? What else do you think God is going to tell Abram is equal to the number of seeds he'll have? He's used dust and stars so far. What about sand? Is that too much like dust? Why does Abram continuously need to be reassured that he's going to have kids? Somebody lacks faith! Apparently Abram believes God this time. But I don't think it'll stick. Do you think Abram will start up with the questions again in the next Verse? He's really getting on my nerves. I can't wait until we learn more about Lot! Why does God begin bragging to Abram about how he led him out of Ur and how he gave him a bunch of land to inherit? Does God really think he needs to show Abram his credentials? Maybe Abram forgot which God God was! Why does Abram need to ask God how he'll know if he inherits the land right after God tells him he's inheriting the land? How annoyed must God be? How insecure is Abram? I guess if I told Pickle Boy I was going to give him $20 but I just showed it to him four or five times and kept telling him he'll get it or maybe his kids will get it, he'd probably keep asking me if he was really going to get it. By the way, I'm not actually giving Pickle Boy $20. Do you think God has just gotten sick of Abram asking for reassurance all of the time so he makes up the whole animal thing to distract Abram? "Hey God, how am I going to know if I inherit this land?" (That was Abram!) (And this next part is God!) "Oh, man, um, get a 3 year old cow and a 3 year old lady goat. Also, um, a ram! Yeah. And a pigeon and a turtledove! *snicker*" He doesn't even give Abram any explicit instructions on what to do with these animals. I guess he learned from dealing with Noah that humans are going to do whatever they want, seeing as how Noah didn't take seven of the clean animals on board the yacht like he was supposed to. Would you have killed the animals God told you to gather? I have to admit that wouldn't have been the first thing to cross my mind. I would have tied them up in a little corral and waited for further instructions from God. Why does Abram kill the animals and not the birds? He just chases the birds away! Why would he do that when God asked for the birds too? Abram doesn't seem to use a lot of forethought and he's never asking the right questions. It's always just me, me, me! I think God telling Abram to collect the animals was a joke. Why else would God not give Abram any other instructions? Perhaps it was just well known amongst Shem's descendants that when God asks you to gather those specific menu items, you begin butchering. Do you feel bad for the animals that got caught up in all of this religion business? I do! Especially for the goat! The ram probably had it coming. When Abram falls asleep, a horror of great darkness falls upon him. Isn't that what happens when you sleep? Except maybe for the horror part. That only happens after you've eaten too much ice cream. What's your favorite ice cream? Did you know that 400 years was four generations? That seems wrong somehow. Maybe I'm reading this book incorrectly. Do you think God meant four generations after Abram dies, his seed will return to Canaan? But then that would mean Abram would live for 400 years with his seed in Egypt, right? And nobody lives that long anymore in The Bible, do they? Why do I keep getting so confused? What does the wickedness of the Amorites have to do with any of this? Is God saying Abram and his seeds can't have the land while the Amorites are sort of Godly and a little bit just? Only when they get crazy wild with the orgies and the murders and the thieving can God justify kicking them out of the land? Are the Amorites the blanket term for all of those people mentioned at the end of the section? The people such as the Kenites and the Kenizzites and the Perizzites and the Flybynights and the Hittites and the others? After Abram has his vision and the sun goes down, why does a smoking furnace and a burning lamp appear to float about the dead animals? Does this signify something that I'm too ignorant to understand? Doesn't a smoking furnace represent obfuscation? And a burning lamp knowledge? Is this a sign that God's wisdom is both confusing and illuminating? That makes sense since it makes me sound smart! If you were in the list of names at the end of the section, would you be upset? It's like God is foreclosing on your Homeland! And the only person he's still lending any money to is Abram!
FAITH vs SCIENCE
HISTORICAL FACTS Abram and Sarai became God's Chosen Couple by winning a race around the world against 13 other couples. Although they almost lost out in the seventh leg of the race when Nahor and Milcah used the Yield on them! When Abram drove the pigeon from the carcasses, it flew far away and he worried that he might still need it according to God's plan. So he sent out his grandnephew, Dick Dastardly, and Dick's dog to try and stop it and bring it back. They were never successful. Never successful is being charitable. Dick and his dog nearly died on 34 separate occasions. The dumb dog laughed every time and Dick would bash him on the head with his fist. But sometimes the dog knew it was coming and would put a frying pan on his head and Dick would hurt his fist. The dog is lucky God never asked Dick to sacrifice it! The Egyptians were so rich that everybody who went to Egypt and didn't die as a slave somehow became super wealthy through a process called 'Rasmosis'. Stop groaning, jerko! In an Apocryphal Text, Abram asks God when if he is going to have any children and God says, "Can you number the times you have asked me if you are going to have any children? That same number be the seeds that ye shall soweth if they be countable!" He may or may not have added 'douchebag'. That part is even Aprocryphaller.
ESSAY
ASSIGNMENT. A.
Write the screenplay of A Nightmare on Elm Street where Freddy Krueger
is the horror of darkness which enters into Abram's deep sleep. Give me a
Co-Author credit for giving you the idea.
DRAWING TIME! Draw the scene when the smoking furnace and burning lamp fly about the slaughtered animals. Really make me believe I'm there!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? When God gives you a shopping list of animals to gather, don't chop up the birds. |
||||