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SECTION SIXTEEN
At the vale of Shaveh, the king of Sodom goes out to greet Abram after Abram's slaughter of Chedorlaomer. The king of Salem, Melchizedek, who is also the priest of the most high God, brought bread and wine. Melchizedek blesses Abram. Melchizedek blesses God. Abram tithes Melchizedek. The King of Sodom tells Abram to keep all of Sodom's goods that were rescued and just return the rescued Sodomites to him. Abram swears he will not take even shoelaces from the King of Sodom lest the King of Sodom think Abram owes him something. Abram says all he will take is that which his 8 year old servant soldiers have already eaten. And to let his fellow confederates have what they earned.
STUDY QUESTIONS! Wasn't that a short section? It wasn't very exciting either! At one point, The Bible says, "And he gave him tithes of all." Who gave who tithes? A little clarity would be nice! In my facts, I said Abram gave the tithes to Melchizedek since Melchizedek is a priest and priests like free money when it is called a tithe. Also, Melchizedek gave Abram bread and wine. So he was probably expecting a little something to help cover the costs. Did you pronounce Melchizedek as Mel Cheese Dick too? Didn't the King of Sodom die in the last Stanza? Is this a new king? Or when The Bible said he fell in Verse 14:10, did it just literally mean he tripped and fell down? I think it's a new king since they don't name him now. I'm sure there were plenty of wicked jerks just waiting to take King Bera's place! I'm rethinking that last question. Maybe now I think it's the same old King of Sodom as before and when he fell, it just meant he lost the battle and was captured along with all of his stuff and Lot. Do you think King Bera's queen was Queen Beryl? Where did Melchizedek come from? Where is Salem? How come he is a king but didn't get involved in all the wars? Is it because he's a priest as well as a king? Why did he bring bread and wine to Abram for killing all of the kings left in the valley? Is it because they were his enemy? Was Chedorlaomer a bad person? Wouldn't you think Chedorlaomer was a good person since he was fighting against the wicked people of Sodom and Gomorrah? I guess all the kings are bad, including Pharaoh. Unless they worship God. I guess that's the whole point of The Bible! Why does Melchizedek need to bless God? Isn't that like adding fuel to a fire? Hmm, aren't you supposed to add fuel to a fire? I guess it's like adding fuel to a fire that you didn't want. Not that Melchizedek didn't want God! But God was a fire that didn't need fuel. Are you still following me? The king of Sodom is so happy that Abram donned his Punisher costume and defeated all of the kings that defeated Sodom that he offers to let Abram keep everything from Sodom that Chedorlaomer had stolen. Is he being generous or is he just afraid that Abram might turn his wrath on him? Bera (if it is in fact Bera!) asks Abram to give back his people. Doesn't it seem weird that he'd even need to ask that? Was Abram going to keep all of the people he rescued as slaves or manservants? Or is Bera in fact just asking that Abram not try to talk all of his rescued people into believing in this God fellow (like the way Abram probably did to the souls of Haran which he collected)? Because what kind of orgies is Sodom going to host if it has no people to fill them up? Of course, what kind of orgies would they have had without any of their ecstasy, blow-up dolls and sex toys if Abram had decided to keep them? What does Abram mean when he lifts up his hand to God? Does that mean he swore an oath to God? Is that why people have to take vows in court with their hand in the air? Why do people swear on The Bible in court to profess they'll tell the truth? Isn't there supposed to be a separation of church and state? Do people still swear on Bibles in court or is that just something they do on television? If someone is a murderer or a thief, why would swearing on a Bible make them tell the truth anyway? How is lying after swearing on a Bible worse than killing someone? Do people who believe in The Bible actually think that people who don't believe in The Bible have some sort of aversion to lying after swearing on it? How dumb are they? Did you know people way back in Bible Times had shoelaces? I thought they all wore flip flops and Birkenstocks. I understand why Abram refused to take any money from the King of Sodom. Have you ever taken any help from somebody and then they acted like you had to help them move or call them every year on their birthday or be their friend or be a good son? Can't anybody ever help anybody out without thinking they're owed something? Abram is pretty smart not to fall into that trap! I just realized from this Chapter that Abram went to war alongside some of his buddies. They were Mamre (who I thought was just a plain and not a person. The Bible keeps giving people and places the same names!), Aner, and Eshcol. They were confederates from the last Stanza! Do you think they were mercenaries? Abram allows the King of Sodom to give those guys their portion, so they must have been paid thugs! They sure don't seem to care if Bera says, "I have made Mamre, Aner, and Eshcol rich!" They'd probably say, "Youse knows it!" and then finger their gold chains and nice Italian suits. I didn't mean to imply Italians are paid thugs! I just meant to imply that Italian suits are very, very nice and if you're rich, you would probably enjoy wearing one. You understood that, right? You wouldn't want to hurt anybody because of a misinterpretation of a very innocent comment, right? No need for anybody to sleep with any fishes, capisce? I could probably make a really funny sex joke about that last sentence since I'm a half-fish!
FAITH vs SCIENCE
HISTORICAL FACTS I saw an episode of a really poorly produced Christian show (redundancy!) called Faithville today. The episode was about Tithing so it fit in with this Chapter since it's the first time the Bible mentions a Tithe. The Faithville show basically explained that Tithing was God's Protection Racket and if you didn't pay up, your business would fall apart and fail and you might end up in the hospital! God sure does sound like the Mob! The Mob or The Mafia (whichever is less offensive!) doesn't really exist. But a magazine called Mob Candy exists! What kind of a stupid name is that? If I were in the Mob and I actually existed, I would riddle that magazine full of holes from bullets shot out of my Tommy Gun for making a magazine with such a stupid name. They might as well have called it Highlights for Killers! The last time anybody read a Highlights for Children magazine was in the lobby of a Dentist's Office. The sub-title of the Highlights magazine is 'Fun with a Purpose' and it's trademarked. That doesn't make any sense. The only purpose of fun is to have fun. Otherwise, it becomes work and we all know what they say about work! Pickle Boy, my writing assistant, has a nickname. It is Sprinkles.
ESSAY
ASSIGNMENT. A.
If you're a regular churchgoer, what would you do if you couldn't afford to
Tithe? Is there such a thing as not being able to afford to Tithe? God
wouldn't think so. God would think you're robbing him if you didn't Tithe.
Um, or not. You decide! It's your essay assignment!
DRAWING TIME! Get out some finger paints and paint how this Chapter made you feel.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? You should not accept any money from anyone because then you'll be obligated to them. Unless you're somehow representing God and then you can accept 10% of everyone's income and not feel obligated in any way. |
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