AZTEC TOMB ADVENTURE
Since the name of this game, I mean story, is 'Aztec Tomb
Adventure', I'm going to make a giant assumption that the hero of the story
is me and I'm an Adventuring Archaeologist. We start mid-story with me in a
strange (or familiar?) Dining Room...
I see a Dining Room that someone
The decor in
my Dining Room is a bit eccentric. Perhaps I'm a cutting edge
experimental artist since the ladder in my Dining Room doesn't seem
to actually go anywhere or do anything. The table seems a bit dusty
so I guess I don't normally eat here.
I can see that there is an exit to the south
although I really, really, really want to climb that ladder! Perhaps
I'm a crippled Adventuring Archaeologist! I can't climb the ladder
because of that accident in Egypt with the rolling boulder trap and
the greedy, no-good, unloyal henchman! So instead of climbing the
ladder like I really, really want to, I roll
into the Hall where I discover I must be Jewish!
That's a might big
I also should
do something about that tree growing through the wall. Although the
stocks hanging from the wall add a feeling of Authority to the whole
I also realize that I'm pretty apathetic because
whenever I try to just leave a place, I respond with an
"Eh". Fiddling with the tree and the menorah doesn't
accomplish anything, so I head
into the bedroom.
Did someone steal the
draw from my drawser?
with my bed and my dresser which I lovingly refer to as my 'draw'.
because I must also be Russian. Studying the bed, I
notice a trapdoor in the floor which I should have known about but
didn't! The only explanation would be that THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE! So
I'm actually a Crippled Russian Apathetic Adventuring Archaeologist
who loves breaking into Jewish homes! I hope I'm not deranged! That
might explain the ladder though. It would be cruel of myself to have
that in my own house where I'd have to look at it every day over
breakfast and longing to climb it to see what was at the top of it.
I examine the draw just in case it might be
booby-trapped and notice that it will open! Well, I guess I
After opening the drawer, most people would
naturally look inside to discover its contents but not me! No, I'm
apathetic, remember? Eh. The drawer is open. Ho-hum. But I should
probably look inside anyway so I
and find a key! That will probably come in handy so
I wonder if the trapdoor leads to the Aztec Tomb so
I spend a number of turns typing lots and lots of logical directions
to get me inside that trapdoor but they all fail. Then I remember
I'm Russian and should probably speak like an ESL Russian if I'm
going to get anything done. So I
and find myself in the cellar!
and I can't get out!
There is a Red
Cloak here and a bird house hanging from the ceiling. I take a close
look at the cloak and feel a sense of power! Well, I should
I search the cellar for any secret passages or
hidden items but don't seem to find anything. Shrugging, I figure I
like power like every other Russian from the Eighties, so I decide
Feeling more confident about my ability to search
for things, I once again
and this time I find something! A small key that
wasn't there before! Perhaps I knocked it loose from the cloak when
I put it on. Or maybe the cloak gives me the power to see invisible
or very small keys? I
and head back
to the bedroom looking pretty stylish in my Red
Communist Cloak of Spotting Tiny Items. Once out of the cellar, I
have a sudden Russian brainstorming moment and decide to go
into the Hall and then
into the Dining Room. I summon up all of my Russian
Suddenly, I'm in a Loft!
Why couldn't I CLIMB
LADDER? Does this count as a puzzle?
made a lot of sense! I guess I'm not crippled! I just have a problem
with the English language. In the loft, I see an old chest! I decide
and head back
the ladder and then
into the front Hall. Seeing as how I can spot lots
of cool stuff with my Cloak (and some stuff without my cloak but why
not try with my cloak on all the time now? I hope it doesn't have
limited charges!), I
and discover an empty jam jar. I
because you never know when you'll need an empty jam
jar to carry water around! Breaking out my sweet Door Key, I
and it opens! What a shock! I
and find I've escaped the house! I'm on a path in
front of a building which is probably my house but might be somebody
else's house because the game just says I can see a building. Not MY
HOUSE. A building. Like I just stumbled upon the place.
Now that I've left the house, I wonder if I'll need
to solve the problem of getting a taxi to the airport, buying plane
tickets to Mexico, hiring a guide, and eventually discovering the
Aztec Tomb! This isn't an adventure! It's worse than The Sims! I
can't even close or lock the door to the house before I leave, so I
really hope it does belong to somebody else.
Before heading down the path, I realize I'm tired of
lugging this chest everywhere so I
and a Sword and a Rope fall out of it! I figure I
don't need these keys anymore, so I
DROP KEY and
for good measure although I'm worried that I might
need it for something later. Well, I'll just try to remember that I
left it out in the open in front of my house which I left unlocked
with the door wide open. I
GET ROPE and
before heading off down the path which hopefully
leads to that Aztec Tomb I've heard so much about. But before
heading on toward adventure, I notice the interesting chimney on the
roof of the Jewish guy's house and
to check it out. I wonder why I was able to climb
the building which doesn't really seem to make sense but I couldn't
climb the ladder earlier? I think I was right about being
handicapped but wrong about it being physical.
It's a cobblestone
Once on the
roof, it's nowhere near as interesting as I thought it was but there
is a piece of wood sitting up here. I
and try yanking some bricks out of the chimney but
I'm not powerful enough to do that. I head back
to the ground. Believing I've finally done
everything I can (except I'm sure I should have taken the Table
somehow too but was too retarded to think how), I finally head
Maybe I should kill and
eat those deer!
And I find
myself beside a stream. Eh. Well, this could be troublesome! I might
have to jump it or cross over on some well placed but slippery
rocks. I decide to cross it since it is only a stream and not a
raging river or anything. That's the moment I discover that I can't
swim even though I thought I would just be wading! I end up drowning
a little bit but thanks to Save Games, it really just ended up being
a bad dream or a near drowning fit. I wake up along the banks of the
swift and dangerous stream along with the realization that I can't
swim. I'm starting to see why the cliché of having memory loss was
used so often with these stupid games. It doesn't make sense to
suddenly not know you can't swim and then you drown! Especially when
the dumb game presents the raging river as a stream!
Maybe I can make a raft, I think, with my rope and
my piece of wood that I carried down from the roof. But I can't
figure out the proper English way of making a raft. So instead, I
think like an adventure game! The stream isn't really small but
large and dangerous! So maybe the small piece of wood that I found
on the roof and was able to carry as I climbed down the side of the
building is actually a giant, bridge sized piece of lumber! I
and discover I'm a genius when I think like a 1980's
graphical text adventure author!
Instead of crossing my newly formed bridge, I decide
to see what lies to the
because there could be an Aztec Tomb in my backyard!
But instead all I find is a garden with a pool in it!
Maybe this should have been called Walk Around My
House Adventure? I guess since I'm here, I should
and see a fish! Wow! That's the best thing I've seen
in a game so far! Being that my alter-ego is Grunion Guy, Water
Super Hero and Fish Talker, I decide to talk to the fish and get
some information about the Aztec Tomb because Fish know a lot of
things that most people don't know at all.
"Hello, Mr. Fish," I call out. He just
swims around nonchalantly. He probably can't here me from way out
here on dry land! Not wanting to be mean but needing some
information, I gently
in the jam jar! He's so cute and sweet! I
and he talks to me! He says, "Plants need water
and vanishes!" Hmm, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but
it's probably the best advice I'll get in this whole story!
"Thank you, Mr. Fish", I say as I'm about
to release him back into the pool but notice he's already departed.
Knowing that I should never ignore a fish's advice, I
so that I'll have the water to water a plant later!
I head back to the
where my bridge over the tiny stream has been built.
and wind up in a Field with a long iron fence.
I'm not in an Aztec Tomb.
I figure I'd better search the field just like
everywhere else but I don't find anything. I wander off to the
only to discover more field with a dead mouse. Now
I'm sad. And disgusted because I probably have to carry this dead
mouse around to solve some puzzle in the future. I sigh and
before heading back to the
NORTH and then
where I am confronted by an angry bull standing in front
of a gate that I probably need to get by!
It's one of those half-undead
MC Escher type bulls.
"Hello, Mr. Bull. Can I please pass
through?" I ask him politely. But he won't let me pass because
he's just too darn angry! I could probably kill him with my sword
but I'm already depressed about the dead mouse and I'm probably a
Communist Pacifist unlike that Mindshadow game where I was a Violent
Perhaps solving this problem will take a bit of
research so I look up 'Angry Bull' on Wikipedia to get a hint.
Hmm. That didn't help any. But that's probably the
source image for the Aztec Tomb Bull! It's practically identical if
you just imagine the Wikipedia picture pixelated and reduced to 8
bits. Or 4 bits maybe!
The cartoons of the mid to late 20th century led me
to believe that bulls were angered by the color red, so I suspect my
Red Cloak is upsetting the bull a bit. So I
and try to get past but the bull is still mad! So I
to get rid of it completely and it comes to rest
in next field! Look at that! I even think in Russian English!
Now maybe I can sneak by. I
and I'm through! I find myself in a field of manure
where a tiny little Charlie Brown tree is growing next to my
discarded Red Cloak. I remember what the fish told me, so I
and it begins to grow! But nothing really changes so
I probably need to make it grow more. I need more water to do that.
NORTH and then
where I can see a bit of the raging stream. I
and head back to water my plant some more. So I
GO GATE, and
one more time. Wow! It grows into a giant
I suppose I'm supposed to suppose to climb it, so I
and go beanstolk! Oh, sorry! 'Go' doesn't work this
time. I guess I
and end up at the top of a BEANSTORK?!
Did the Beanstolk bring me to
Waiting for me at the top of the Beanstork is a
railroad and a dead elephant (as you can see from the picture).
I guess this game was based on Looney Tunes cartoons
because I also know, from cartoons, that elephants are scared of
mice! And what would scare a Dead Elephant more than a Dead Mouse?
Possibly a living lion but how should I know? I'm not a
and the elephant runs off in shock! I thought
shock was supposed to make people freeze up? I guess elephants are
more differenter from people than I thought. Also, English is hard
when you're trying to think like an 80's Bond Villain! I pick up the
mouse before I
because I've named him Slinky and become super
attached to the little fellow.
Walking along the path, I saw a valley below me. I
would post a picture of it here but I should probably save something
for people who actually want to play the game. Especially this
picture since it is by far the best of the bunch. I
and suddenly I'm in a valley! I feel like someone
just threw a dead mouse at me! I decide to head
and find myself by a tree. How descriptive and
interesting. A tree in elephant heaven! I wonder what wonders might
be hiding in this tree.
I try to go tree but can't. I try to go up but
can't. I try to climb the tree but find the tree is too slippy!
Well, I have a rope, so that should help. I
and it catchers, it's secure! Now I can see a
hanging rope here, so maybe the next step is to kill myself
since I'm currently in heaven anyway. I still want to live so
instead I just
and end up in a treehouse where a dwarf is currently
living with his box.
Why is a dwarf living in a
tree? And why does it look more like an Elf or a Gnome or a tiny,
Unless he's a Box-Dwarf?
I try to take his box because everything in an
adventure game is ultimately mine (especially since I currently have
a sword on me!). But he wants something in return!
I don't have much on me that I'm willing to part
with so I
figuring it's got to still be useful for something
since the game probably wanted me to leave it behind instead of
throwing it past the bull! It works! The Dwarf vanishes!
Either it disintegrated him or he teleported away now that he was
happy. I'm now able to
and head back
to the ground. I'll probably still need my rope so I
and head back
Once back at the valley, I head
and find myself overlooking a small harbour.
I'm curious about what is in my box but I think I'll
wait until I'm on that little boat to check it out since it might
give me inventory problems! I
and I find myself on a pier next to a boat with a
mound of radioactive waste far off across the lake.
The boat seems to be called the 'S1' which I think
is a clue that it will take me to the 'Tomb of Horrors' or THE AZTEC
TOMB! I'm nearly there! I board the boat, I mean, I
and find that I'm on a boat!
I hope I know how to sail one of these things. I
and discover a map inside! That should help me. I
and find that it actually isn't any help at all!
But it does at least mention the Aztec Tomb I've
spent all this time searching for! I also
hoping to find a motor or some galley slaves but
find that it has a Cabin and a Dinghy instead! I have no idea what
the Dinghy is for but I figure I should
just to check it out. Inside the cabin is a torch
and lots and lots of storage space for all of the valuables I'm
going to find while in the Aztec Tomb! I
and I drop Slinky in here also. Maybe he can unlive
in the box. Then I
GET TORCH and
Back on the deck, I sail
where I notice a cute little island in the distance.
Or perhaps right next to me since I seem to be able to
without drowning or needing a small piece of wood.
The island seems to be home to a tree trunk and a square hole cut in
the ground. Since I can't go tree or climb tree, I decide to
and am nearly devoured by a Grue! I
and see that I'm in a small cave where some poor and
adventurous pirate stowed his Life Jacket. I
WEAR JACKET, and head back
and begin sailing around the lake. I sail
and wind up beside some tall cliffs. Climbing cliffs
should be easy since I have my amazing rope that catchers and
secures itself by just throwing it around! I throw rope
and whaddya know?! It CATCHERS! But I can't
reach it from the deck of the boat so I guess I know what the Dinghy
is for now! I go dinghy and end up in this cute little purple inflatable
thing. I think it's inflatable.
It looks inflatable! But I still can't reach that
stupid rope! I notice a cord keeping the dinghy attached to the boat
but I'm afraid to cut it because I might get set adrift and crash
into the rocks and die!
I try to launch the dinghy from every position in
the lake and my fate is always the same! This game, I mean story, is
so unfair and it's driving me crazy! I might as well just kill
myself and get this whole stupid mess over with since I never even
found the dumb Aztec Tomb which I thought I was going to be
adventuring inside. So I climb up on the edge of the boat and
the side, hoping to dash my brains against the rocks
and drown myself. As I'm about to hit the water, I suddenly have
second thoughts plus I have some third thoughts where I realize I'm
the greatest Water Super Hero ever and have absolutely no hope of
drowning when I splash into the water! I sink under for a second and
then bob back up to the surface! PHEW! Lucky I was wearing my
lifejacket! I think out loud to myself.
Even though I didn't know how to swim earlier, who
can't swim in a life jacket? I start to
for shore, away from that eerie glow on the horizon.
I see a beach and try not to wonder where the high
cliffs and the deadly rocks went as I
and finally find myself on ATZEC GROUND!
That was quite the journey from my quiet little
suburban home to the wild Mexican frontier where spell checkers
don't exist. It looks like the tomb is just across this grassy field
but I see a forest, somewhere, apparently, and have no other way to
go. So I
and instantly become lost.
Really? Were those two
little black line drawing trees in the previous picture supposed to
But I have the map from the dwarf, so I know I'm
supposed to go
from here! I quickly emerge from the stupid forest
which should probably really be a jungle and discover an authentic
I think those are normal sized trees next to it, so
because I just can't get enough of climbing things
ever since I couldn't climb that dumb ladder. At the top of the
statue, I naturally find a diamond that was being used as the top of
its head, making it look like a really ritzy graduate or maybe just
Lord Dimwit Flathead.
Unless the diamond was really being used for his
eye. Wherever it is, I
and climb back
the statue. I then drag my tired butt
where I'm confronted by a giant wall. Of course I
can't climb it, so I do the other thing that I've been doing my
whole adventure to solve just about every single puzzle. I
and I notice an empty socket. And the socket is
shaped like a diamond! I
and a passage opens in the wall! But I've lost my
diamond! That was probably a really valuable archaeological find!
But it has opened up the Tomb for me! At least, I hope this is the
in preparation for the moment I've been waiting for
all game! My Aztec Tomb Adventure is about to begin! I
and find that I'm finally in the TOMB! And Aztec is
And, hey, wait! What's this?! You have completed
your first mission! Continue your mission in Aztec Pt. 2. RAT
TURDS! I've been suckered! I didn't get to have an Aztec Tomb
Adventure at all! Why didn't that lousy A. Crowther name this game Search
for the Aztec Tomb? What a jerk.
Continued in Aztec Tomb
Revisited, the Walkthrough!