Aztec Tomb Revisited
Aztec Tomb: I, Grunyen Guyski, Water Super Hero Russian Adventuring
Archaeologist with a Severe Mental Handicap and an Inability to
Swim, wandered about the Suburban Landscape until I finally
discovered an Ancient Aztec Tomb hidden in the ancient Aztec Lands
which everybody knows existed in the sky at the top of a Beanstalk
guarded by an Elephant and a Bull. Having successfully defeated
several mediocre puzzles and read the mind of the programmer to
luckily defeat several other unfair puzzles, I found myself just
inside the entrance to the Aztec Tomb! And now, the continuation of
my journey continues!
entrance to the Aztec Tomb is much tinier than I remembered.
I think the walls have been painted since I just entered seconds
ago. As I wandered into the tomb through the dark passage, I seem to
have lost my Sword and my Torch! But I still have a map! I
it shows tomb
stone surrounded by green area. Is that really a map? Is this
the piece of paper the Dwarf gave me in the last Chapter? I also
have Fifty Pounds which is British Money and not extra weight.
around at my surroundings, I see a drawing of birds head.
Yep, I'm still Russian! I head east and find myself in a room with a
for some reason, being the consummate professional that I am, I
immediately take a sip of the unknown water and notice it tastes
salty. Delicious! It also appears that there are some useless
stairs in the back of the room. Having no other choice, I head back
to the west and then go
only to find myself back at the entrance of the Aztec Tomb. Except
I'm calling it the Exit this time. Really?!
minute into Aztec Tomb Revisited and I've already explored the whole
tomb?! I notice a sign here that I must have missed on my way in
earlier. Apparently it's not the reading kind of sign or else I'm
illiterate because I can't read it. But when I examine sign, it says, "Be friendly to natives." Cool! A talking sign! I
wonder what 'natives' it means. Does it mean Mexicans? Or the
Ancient Aztecs? I'm also beginning to suspect that I'm no longer an
Adventuring Archaeologist but just a lousy tourist seeing as how
I've got my fifty pounds on me.
the way, what kind of an Ancient Aztec Tomb houses a well? Where are
the treasures? Where are the bodies? All I got was a stupid picture
of birds head and salty water! That damn Dwarf ripped me off!
This map was a phony and now he's got my powerful Red Cloak!
guess I might as well start the great Aztec Tomb Adventure to find
my way back home now! I can see a forest outside of the tomb, so I
see the programmer of this game thinks the Aztec lived in forests
also. But who am I to quibble since this isn't the Aztecs of the
normal world. These are the Over-the-Rainbow Aztecs. They're Oztecs!
Ha ha! So, I head
find myself on a jungle path. Oh! NOW it's a JUNGLE! In the middle
of the JUNGLE path, I come across a huge tree.
guess this huge tree is different than all the other huge trees
because it's growing right in the middle of the path. Which doesn't
make sense since the path would end up going around the tree unless
everyone who walks the path climbs over the tree and continues
directly from the other side. I guess it could look like it's on the
path if travelers go both left and right around it. I also notice a
spade lying in the path, so I
the parser doesn't recognize GET which I prefer. I try to dig but I
have to ask myself, Why do you want to dig? That's a pretty
good question! Why should I? It's not like I'm an archaeologist or
I notice there
are some notches in the tree so I figure somebody was chained to the
tree sometime in the past and was marking off time. Solving that
mystery, I head
I find another tree. But I also see a cord across the path.
A-ha! That's the oldest native/rascally rabbit trick in the book! I
carefully avoid the cord and head
find myself on the banks of a large river. I can see what looks
like stepping stones in the river.
sounds dangerous! The
last time I tried to cross a tiny stream, I drowned! And this is a
large river! But it does have stepping stones! So, getting across
should be really easy. Which means it's a trap! So I head
Having ignored the stones because I know how to use my better
judgment, I wind up on a wharf next to a ferry!
that'll make getting to the island a whole lot easier! I try
boarding the boat like an idiot and find it easier to just
my Russian Brain just can't handle too many big English words. The
boat takes me to the most depressing island in the entire world!
not even sure I want to get off the boat after seeing this island up
close. But I don't have any choice! At least I don't think I have
any choice! At this point in my great Revisited Aztec Tomb
Adventure, I become paralyzed with fear of tiny islands with giant
skeletal hands reaching out of the middle of them and can't leave
the boat! I try to force my feet to move by thinking Go Island and
Leave Boat and Exit and Leave and Off and Enter Island and Jump Over
and many other dumb phrases that were needed for various tasks
earlier in my adventure because real phrases and words never worked.
So, finally, I just decide to do what a normal person would do and I
works! I'm finally able to leave the boat which you would have
thought would have been one of the easier things to accomplish in
reality. That shouldn't have even been a puzzle! Can this game make
me hate it any more?
it can! Because randomly in my travels, I keep getting Memory
Overflow Errors! I assume that has something to do with Amnesia and
an Evil Twin Brother hitting me with a Lead Pipe.
back on my island, I'm about to run into even more problems with
is somehow different from Look Island) and notice some sand and a
boat. When I Examine Sand like the introduction of the game
says, I see a sandy beach. But if, for some reason, I do
differently than the introduction to the game suggests and I
notice a message in the sand! The message says, "Ronnie Biggs
was ere." Seeing that someone was here and might possibly have
been a pirate since I have so many treasure maps, I decide to
uncover a suitcase! Trying to dig before noticing the message just
results in my having a philosophical discussion with myself to dig
or not to dig. It makes sense that once I notice the message, I know
where to dig. But when a game tells you that by typing LOOK ROOM,
you'll find things you can only examine, it sort of stacks the deck
against you discovering that you can LOOK OBJECT and have it reveal
something different than EXAMINE OBJECT.
that I found the suitcase, I'd better
here if I want to avoid any memory errors! Inside the suitcase is
$2500! I mean, 2500 Pounds! I
decide not to drop anything I'm carrying right now because I'm tired
of the story crashing! I head
find a nice knife abandoned on the island.
This is the other side of
side of the island is pretty boring. I
head back to the
boat instantly ferries me across the river and deposits me on the
wharf so that I don't have to worry about guessing which verb will
get me off the ship this time. I head
discover a long forgotten village of small mud huts!
seems to be home and they seem to have left their machete lying on
the ground. Even though I'm supposed to be nice to the natives, I
I'm back at the stilly string and net trap set up by those silly
natives. But I'm way too observant for them to catch! I
then, from the other side, I
it up, and take it with me. You never know when you're going to need
to cut up a net to make a rope so you won't get lost in the jungle!
I mean, forest! I head
into the path of a hideous snake in the grass! If I try to go past,
it might bite me!
I don't have to worry since I have both a knife and a machete on me!
bravely stride past its corpse to the
think this Machete is a Magick Machete Versus Snakes in the Grasses
because I tried to kill it with the knife but just couldn't do it. I
guess the knife is only used to
a nice rope! So that's what I do! I think
a nearby tree because I'm thinking of heading south into that
awfully dense forest and I sure would like to be able to find my way
back! I plunge
the dense underbrush and eventually discover a small graveyard!
Tombstone by Atari.
see a gravestone which I can't manipulate in any way. But a casket
lies unburied here! I
another map! I
from out of the casket lest I awaken some dangerous and malevolent
guardian demon spirit ghost monster! I carefully
discover it's just as horrible and lacks just as much information as
Map1. I would like to dig up some of the graves in this area but,
really, why do I want to dig? Who knows? I head back
Standing magestically in front of me is an ancient pagan temple,
shrowded in moss.
think that means that the Temple stands like a Wizard and the moss
covers it like a showroom crowd. I can't seem to enter the temple or
climb the temple or go the temple or embark on the temple, so I
guess I'll just have to keep going. Why would I want to explore an
ancient temple after coming all this way to discover the Amazing
Two-Room Aztec Tomb (A Twomb!)? I'm just an Adventuring
Archaeologist, is all. Do I have a curfew? Must I get home as fast
as I can? Can it really be that Alligata Software published two
games called Aztec Tomb and three whole locations were dedicated to
exploring the tomb in both games?
probably going to have to review Infocom's Infidel after this
because I really want to explore a tomb now!
I look around half-heartedly because mom is really expecting me home
it's there and then head
suddenly feel like I'm being watched! After not encountering the
natives the entire time I was in the jungle (but stumbling upon a
well-run ferry service!), I think I've finally found them! The sign
said I was supposed to be nice to them so I dance and wave and smile
and sing. But I don't get any reaction and I'm starting to get
really nervous that they're about to kill me! In a panic, I
into the local airport!
how I was suspecting that I was going to have to catch a taxi and
buy plane tickets and do a lot of traveling in Aztec Tomb Adventure?
Well, now I get to do all of that fun, mundane stuff, apparently!
And what do you know? They're selling a ticket that's good for
traveling around the globe! I
catch my plane to wherever Pan-Am is still flying. My plane ticket
cost about 2000 Pounds and then the Customs Official needs to be
bribed another 340 Pounds so that I can carry my machete, knife,
rope, and casket onto the plane.
wonder if my rope is still tied to a tree?
also has a custom that travelers must answer two questions before
being allowed to leave the country. So the ticket taker asks me,
"Name the follow up to Blagger?" and I say,
that's obviously the correct answer. Duh! And then the Captain asks
me, "How much money did Ronnie leave?" and that catches me
a bit off-guard! How does he know about Ronnie? Is he trying to get
paid off also? I say,
cross my fingers that he doesn't try to take the last of my cash. He
accepts my answer but doesn't seem to want any of my money. Perhaps
he was just curious. I take my seat in First Class and proceed to
get as drunk as the free drinks can get me!
bald business man sitting next to me shows a lot of interest in my
decaying, grubby casket and wonders where in Central America I
picked up such an authentic looking souvenir. I told him I found
after following a map given to me by a dwarf in trade for my magic
cloak and that I had to cross a river at the top of a beanstork to
find it! He assumes I'm more drunk than I really am and stops
bothering me so I can get some sleep. Which I do!
wake up having been thrown off the plane in Egypt!
This is the Egyptian
monument called the Sphinx. Cool! This game must be what they
call 'Edutainment'. I wish it were Adult Edutainment.
can see the three ancient pyramids and a smaller one which must be
currently under construction in the distance. I gaze in wonder at
the magestic Sphinx and notice a flute lying on one of its
giant paws. I figure I'm carrying too much garbage, so I
not much on being a tourist since what I really like to do is
explore, so I head
discover the famous Gahza Pyramids in Egypt. I don't know how
famous they are since I've never heard of them!
guess I'm now on an Egyptian Tomb Adventure, so I turn my attention
to looting this great pyramid. I look around and find a loose stone.
The stones of the pyramid are pretty big but I try to
and find myself successful! I stumble around trying to get in until
wind up in a passageway with a lit torch.
someone else has been using that loose stone very recently or the
Egyptians knew a thing or two about making long-lasting torches!
I'll probably need it so I
then continue down the passage to the
find myself in the tomb of an ancient Pharaoh but I can't examine
the tomb until I take care of the hundreds of deadly vipers living
on the floor of the tomb. Either there is another way into this
pyramid that the vipers use or these are the longest living vipers
in history or else the torch was left behind by the man who comes in
to feed the vipers occasionally. If I don't think of something soon,
I'm going to be the man who feeds the vipers! I wave my torch about
to scare the snakes but they don't seem to scare. So I
them and they flee! After they've gone, I see a basket with a cobra
in it. That's weird. Where did that come from? I guess it was hidden
under the mass of vipers.
all of my television watching experience, I
the cobra settles down into the basket, enough that I can
risking being bitten. I wonder why there are so many snakes in this
ancient pyramid? Egypt is a scary place!
that all the snakes are gone, I'm able to
how that word is in italics? That's because I'm quoting the game,
remember? Don't e-mail me telling me I don't know how to spell!
Unless I'm actually spelling like a 19th Century British Explorer.
remember reading a sign somewhere that said to look under the bird's
head. So I do. Oh, look. Interesting. A bidet. If I read these hyroglyphics
correctly, they say, "Bird head golf clubs penguin, bidet flag
helicopter." Marking this important information in my notebook,
until I'm out of the pyramid. I then head
search of another country's Tomb, I guess. Or my way home, perhaps. I
find I'm on a desert road just out of town.
weather is very hot. Boy, I sure could go for some of that salty
Aztec Tomb water right about now! I see a pick-axe lying in the
middle of the road and decide that will probably be more useful than
this old knife. I
take the pick-axe. I
can't wait argue with myself why I'd want to mine something now! I
the air traffic control building at Cairo airport. Hey,
a fantastic sight! I'm sure glad I was able to see that before
leaving Egypt. I head
wander onto the runway where a plane is about to take off!
maybe it has just crashed. I
fast as I can and somehow scramble aboard. Unless I climbed up into
the wheel-well. But I'm no stowaway! I've got a ticket for all the
around the world travel I can handle! I try to make myself
comfortable and soon the plane drops me off at a hotel!
the hotel, I'm standing in front of a booking desk. It seems to be
manned by a Space Invader, so perhaps I'm on Mars now! I'm probably
really tired although I'm not really sure since I can't examine
myself (I mean, I can! But there is nothing special to see.
Way to hurt my feelings, me!). I figure I'd better
if I have to talk to a weirdo alien. Nobody responds to me. Nobody
gives me a key. Nothing happens except somebody somewhere says,
"OK." So I guess I'm checked in! So I, um, hmm,
yeah! Hey, I found my room without a key or card or receipt or
anything! Or I found A ROOM! Whatever!
for me, International Stowaway and Mentally Retarded Russian
Adventuring Archaeologist! Unless calling myself Mentally Retarded
is offensive for some reason and then I'm just stupid. Noticing a
fantastic pair of skis in the corner of the room, I nonchalantly
assume that their mine and rush over to
in another part of the story where I'm a really, really frustrated
game player, this stupid game keeps crashing! I'm never going to
beat this game because it crashes over half the time I input a
command! Which means that I might have typed the correct command but
then the game crashed. And maybe I'll forget to try that command
again after I've loaded up my last save. Usually my last save is
from ONE TURN AGO because I'm constantly saving the game because it
always crashes! You know who I hate? I hate Brandon James!
back to before the last meanwhile, I leave my room by heading
into the horrible hotel lobby. I head to the
the big puzzle here is that you have to go north to
you can get anywhere to the east. It's a really complicated part
that most Adventuring Archaeologists wouldn't be able to figure out.
But I'm a super genius!
See how the sign says PASS?
That's how I figured out the puzzle!
only thing I'm not sure about is that sometimes at this part of the
story, I have 200 pounds and sometimes I have 201 pounds. So I guess
I occasionally find a pound on the ground in Egypt or at the hotel
pass says it is valid twice only which really sucks if you're
planning on skiing all day long. Although the ski lift seems to take
you to the bottom of the mountain and makes you climb up the
mountain while fighting off yetis before you can get to the ski
slope. So it's a really cheap and crappy resort and I probably heard
about it from my jerko Russian friends who found it amazing since it
was better than the Russian Ski Resort which is really just an oubliette
like I said I had to do to get to the ski lift to use the pass I
just purchased for 40 pounds. FOR TWO USES! Sheesh!
looking at the picture, I guess the ski lift actually takes you up
the mountain. It just doesn't take you to the top of the mountain
where the 80's ski race is taking place. I
ride it to the top of the mountain. Luckily no police man decides to
sillily chase me up it by hopping on the lift behind me and waving
his fist angrily. The lift deposits me next to a hole in the side
of the mountain.
a hole. It's not a cave! Do not mistake the hole for a cave! I'm not
sure I want to crawl into the hole, so I ignore it for now and head
I encounter the most vicious and hardest to kill creature of any
creature in any adventure game ever!
It looks like a black guy or a
ninja already fell victim to its evil machinations! Probably a ninja
since black guys don't ski.
the vile ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN with a name so long that it constantly
crashes the game itself when you try to kill it! I
I've left all of my other weapons in Egypt like a stupid dodo head and
hurl it with all my might, hoping to
I do. Eventually. After the game crashes about a billion times.
killing the Snowman, I find myself in Heaven!
wait, apparently it's the top of a mountain, from which a ski
race is taking place. The man in the hut says the finish is south.
not going to ask why there is a hut at the top of the mountain or
why the man is directing me to the end of the race with compass
directions instead of just pointing down the ski slope. I'm not
going to ask those questions because I didn't come all this way to
wonder about where some guy decides to live! I came all this way to
explore an Aztec Tomb! And to maybe win a ski race or two! I
get out my compass to find out which way is
I'm looking at the compass, I start sliding backwards down the hill!
Flailing wildly, I begin to pick up speed and pass all of the other
racers who started before me and are facing the correct way. I
suddenly hit a rock and do a double flip, losing both of my skis but
landing on the head of another racer! She's really sexy and skiing
in a bikini too! And she winks at me and pulls me down to stand on
the skis in front of her where we make out the rest of the way down
the hill before crossing the finish line first! And since I was in
front of her, I win!
place is an amazing trophy engraved with my name, Guyski! I
my hot ski babe on my arm. But before we can leave the finish line,
her boyfriend comes up and punches me in the mouth! She gasps and
then does it with him right then and there! Apparently, I was the
villain in this novella! But that makes sense since I am the Russian
and even though the Cold War is long over, this game was written
during it so I must be the bad guy.
myself (and my cup) up, I notice I'm back at the bottom of the ski
lift. Good thing my pass was valid twice only! I
am back outside of the hole in the mountain. I head
into the hole. I have entered a large cave. The floor of the cave
is at two levels, separated by a ledge. I guess it's more
cave-like than hole-like from the inside. The ledge that separates
the two levels is pretty nice also. I guess the two levels could
have been separated by a chasm or a cloud or a wall of ivy. An old
rope hangs over the ledge so I try to
the rope stays in tact. That was lucky. It sure was lucky! I'm
glad the rope didn't stray into thoughtlessness. There is a
message on the wall it says MR MARTIN.
quite the message! It's also quite the run-on sentence! Or maybe
it's not quite a run-on sentence but more of just a really dumb
wonder if the message is for me or for MR MARTIN? Or maybe MR MARTIN
left the message for me? What a mystery! I also notice I can leave
the cave by heading westh. So I try to head westh and
end up with an ?out of memory error! That'll teach me to be a wise
guy! I head
the exit and notice a small key lying in the dirt. I wonder who this
belonged to? Probably me. I
leave the cave to the
the exit of the caves you can see a town at the base of a mountain.
hard thinking in English when you're used to speaking Communist. And
I'm not so sure that's a town down there. It might be a spleen or a
gall bladder. I
find myself walking along a street in the town. A drunk man comes
up to me. He wants to pour a drink. I bet he does!
away from me, you filthy beggar!" I scowl! I try to throw the
rock at him but my fingers are too frozen from my mountain hiking in
clothes meant for the tropics and I
offer him my skis to leave me alone but he doesn't want them so I
I'm tired of wearing them around. The bum makes his weird drinking
gesture again and paws at me.
you know who I am?" I shout! "I'm the big winner of the
Ski Race run by that hermit at the top of the mountain!" When I
wave my cup at him, he gestures wildly and grabs at it with his
If it'll get you to leave me alone!" I cry as I passionately
the wino. He tries to give me an old bottle opener in trade but his
hands are shaking so badly, he drops it. I sigh and bend over to
must be his prize possession! I hope he's already opened his wine
because I'm not trading back! I run
avoid any more interactions with him and find myself inside the
high street bank. There is a deposit desk inside, and an an
attendant sitting there.
hope the attendant can help me.
can you give me money?" I ask him. He shoo shoo or poo poos me
and gesticulates at a pile of deposit boxes.
I know what to do with Deposit Boxes from my time spent as a wealthy
the small key I found in the cave. Inside is another map. I
shows the coast with x in the sea. TREASURE! I bet that's
what I've been looking for this whole time! I probably discovered
that the map I found in the Aztec Tomb was going to lead me to a
bunch of other maps that would lead me to the secret hidden treasure
of the Aztecs! One of the greatest Aztec Warriors of all time
probably ventured forth from the safety of his ancient millennium
(because he was a TIME WARRIOR!) and hid the maps all across the
world. And only the greatest and most stubborn Adventuring
Archaeologist (one who didn't mind having to continually restart his
adventure due to ?memory overflow problems!) would be able to figure
out all of the clues!
I realize as I try to board the plane at the Geneva Airport that I
must not be the Genius Archaeological Adventurer I thought I was.
Because the game keeps on crashing and I just can't GO PLANE no
matter how hard I want to. At first the game kept crashing on a
syntax error which I fixed and then played through the game all over
again with the fixed line of code (Line 58040, by the way. It should
if z=0 and y = 0 then 58030
original code had an extra z in there on the and.
the game keeps crashing and the game sucks and I've spent way too
much time trying to work through all the stupid errors anyway. I
quit and return home to Russia!
an old man, I see a news report in a newspaper about an Indian Man
who discovered the greatest treasure ever known by following a
series of clues until he figured out he needed to dig inside the
Aztec Tomb underneath the Bird's Head Drawing! Hey! Why didn't I
think of that?! I was only told to do that by a sign on the temple
in the jungle and I tried it but ended up not digging because WHY
WOULD I WANT TO DIG?
THERE IS TREASURE THERE, STUPID FACE!
throw the newspaper into the garbage and go into my bedroom where I
hang myself with my rawhide whip.