Chapter 1: My Military Memoirs
(This is a Role Playing
Game without a real walkthrough. This Walkthrough is just my first one or two or
three times playing through the game.)
I wake up in my future bed
wondering what exciting future decisions are ahead of me and how my super future
mind will decide on the outcome of those decisions! I eat future eggs and future
bacon for my future breakfast and then check my future mailbox which is probably
something like email on my future phone or maybe it was just downloaded into my
head as a dream since I just made up all of that other stuff about breakfast and
waking up! What really happened was this letter just appeared before me:
To: Grunion Guy,
From: Office of Military Selection
Subject: Enlistment/Induction to Earth Military Services
Pursuant to the powers
vested in office of military selection, you are hereby directed to make yourself
available to one of the six (6) units of military service listed below.
Failure to comply with
this order within one dechour will result in an order for your arrest as a
Holy moley! What the heck
is a dechour? It must either be a metric hour or a Gangster Frankenstein Nazi
Mind Probe Hour Fakery Clock Lie. Either way, I'd better hurry up and register
for my military service!
I have the choice of
joining the Navy, the Marines, the Army, the Scouts, the Merchant Marines, or
Kraft Services. I don't really know the difference between any of these military
divisions, either in 1979 or in the future, so I think I'll be a Scout! That
sounds easy and fun! I'll go on Space Camping Trips and cook Space Hot Dogs over
Space Bonfires and earn Space Badges for doing cool and futuristic space things!
After choosing, another
message instantly downloads into my face!
To: Grunion Guy,
From: Commander, Scouts
Welcome to Scouts. The
Scouts has a proud tradition, spanning many centears. All of the training staff
feel certain you will come to share in our proud tradition.
training you are to report to the medical facility to get a complete physical
and psychological examination. The results of this exam will serve to best
determine your training needs.
I hope this facility is in
my head or in my future living room because this stupid mind letter didn't give
me any directions! I hope I won't have to take off my space underwear for this
examination! I'm also ignoring the fact that I don't know what a centear could
Apparently, physical and
psychological examinations in the future are instantaneous because after
finishing that last letter, I'm given the option to check out the results of my
examinations! I decide to look over my basic attributes first!
I'm 18! Awesome! I have 8
Strength which is a total lie since I'm sure I'm a lot stronger than that. And I
have 12 Dexterity which is pretty close to the truth because even though I'm a
super hero, I can be a bit clumsy on land! I have an 8 Endurance, probably
because I'm big boned. I have a 9 Intelligence but that must be wrong since I
can talk to fish and that makes me pretty smart. I have 11 Education and 12
Social Standing and if 12 is the highest number you can have, then those are
exactly right! I hope 12 is the best you can be!
I check out my physical
exam and nothing seems odd about it. But then I look at my psychological tests
and they say "Subject is prone to extreme violence, and must be
carefully controlled at all times." I think my psychological file might
have been mixed up with Death Rock's! It does say my I.Q. is 131 though and I
guess that's okay and it definitely isn't Death Rock's I.Q. since his is probably
more like 60! Ha ha! Nobody tell him I said that!
After reviewing my exams,
I get another letter that I'm to start training! Sheesh, when does this game
begin? I decide to work on my personal development and notice they sneak Gun
Combat into Personal Development even though that wasn't there when I
checked out my statistics earlier! I better choose that because I want to kill
aliens before they kill me! So I work on my Gun Combat during my first year of
training. I also work on Gun Combat during my second year of training! I'm going
to be a hot shot!
On my third year of
training, I celebrate my 21st birthday unless you can start drinking earlier
than that in the future which seems likely because it's probably a more
dangerous place and/or people are smarter and understand drinking is cool and
fun so you should start doing it much earlier. I also learn how to put on a
Vacuum Suit so I can look hot at all the parties I'm going to start drinking at!
On my fourth year of
training, I decide I want to be able to fly a star ship, so I try to learn to pilot!
But apparently I'm too violent and unstable to learn piloting! Stupid
psychiatric test! How am I going to get around in the future? They probably
don't have cars that don't fly! I need my pilot's license! Well, since I seem to
have anger issues, I decide to go into management! I choose to learn the
Administrative side of things! But they won't let me train in that either!
That's dumb! All of the managers and police chiefs I've ever seen in movies yell
all of the time!
So after failing at being
able to train, I try to train in Computers and I end up dying in a training
accident! Wow! What a great game about the future! That was pretty exciting!
I died during Character Creation!
So I decide to try
Character Creation again and after one year of training, the game tells me my
character is inferior and that I should try again! How many times am I going to
have to do this?!
I guess at least one more!
Here I go!
So I take my physical
examination and learn a few things I didn't know about myself! Like the fact
that I have a minor heart problem. And a, thankfully, correctable pulmonary
problem. Also I have a minor deficit to my skeleto-muscular system. Oh, also I
have gross neurological damage! Well, that's good this test showed I had so many
problems! But the exam also showed that I'm legally blind and totally deaf! Wow,
I should have already known that! But they're still accepting me into service
except they suggest I'm unqualified for combat. The future is harsh!
Well, maybe my
psychological profile won't be so bad. It's not! I'm normal and well-adapted for
a blind, deaf, brain-damaged jerk with a bad heart and brittle bones! I should
make a great General!
I decide to go right into
Administrative since I can't really do anything else. I'm not even sure I can do
that! But then again, I'm handicapable! I've got this covered. I try to enter
the Professional Education Program and discover that I haven't had enough
Maybe I'll work on my
personal development. I'm once again warned that my character is inferior but
I'm going to stick with it because I'd like to try to play the game! Even if I
am too stupid to learn and too weak to train!
I'm going to be a Jack
O'Trades because that sounds like something someone in my condition could
handle! M-O-O-N-, that spells Jack O'Trades!
I spend four years
training as a Jack O'Lantern and then I'm 22 and ready for service! I get my
first incoming brain-mail in four years!
To: Grunion Guy
From: Galactic Space Services, Dept. of Scouts
completed term #1 with the service to which you were assigned, you now have
three choices available to you:
entail cumulative risks of death or disabling injury!! Consider this before
Apparently even Brainmails
can have typos! I still haven't even done any adventuring and the game is
already warning me I should probably retire so that I don't die. Making
decisions in the future is dangerous!
I decide to retire with
material rewards because I can't imagine doing anything on my own and I need
a nurse, a big bed, and a book. Wait, I'm blind, so I need an audio book! Oh,
wait, I'm deaf too! I guess I need a book that you can read by licking it or
sniffing it! They probably have those in the future. Except I don't want a book.
I want a television that I can watch via smell.
But the galaxy is in a
state of war and they won't let me retire anyway! So it's back to training!
I decide to continue my
training as a Jack in the Box so that I can be the best Jack that ever Jacked in
After 10 years of training
and no adventuring at all, I'm allowed to retire with 6.42K in retirement
benefits. I also get a bonus of 3.6K for a total of 10.02K in Galactic Credits!
I hope that's enough for a hot nurse!
I have received an
honorable discharge. The scouts thank me for a job well done.
I now enter Civilian Life!
I think as a civilian, I get to actually play the game I wanted to play.
*** Character Creation
takes place across the entire life of your military career. The longer you spend
in Training, the higher the chance you may die during Character Creation. But
the longer you spend in training, the better your Character becomes and the
richer he'll be when you finally enter civilian life and are ready to go
adventuring. 10.02K isn't anywhere near enough money to do anything with later
in the game. Except explore. Or fight. And as you can see from this character,
fighting isn't really an option. Although, as you'll read later, I try it out
*** Character Creation
is so random that many times you'll have a decent character started and then
he'll die in training or they'll just start you with a character that has so
many flaws, it isn't even worth pursuing. So if you're more interested in making
characters than playing a game, this is the game for you!
*** You need to retire
with at least 450K in Galactic Credits (or make that much while Exploring,
Defending, or First Blooding) for a down payment on a Small Scout Ship
if you want to play the Trader Scenario. More if you want the bigger ship.
*** You probably need
to retire with at least 1 Million Galactic Credits (and possibly more) if you
want to go straight into the world of High Finance. Except the world of High
Finance is extremely dangerous for some reason. So be careful out there!
Chapter 2: The Now Third Person High Finance Life of Grunion Guy
After ten years of
military service, Grunion Guy retired at what may or may not be a ripe old age
in the future. He was 28. He was also deaf and blind and retarded. He suffered
from heart, lung, and disabling muscular problems. But he was ready for a life
of adventure! He had spent his years in military service learning how to be a
Jackman. He wasn't really fit for fighting or space exploration or anything,
"I must choose a path
that my life will choose for the future duh path life what?" he said to
himself but couldn't hear himself and he never made any sense anyway so it
didn't really matter. That made him perfect for going into Finance!
Grunion Guy downloaded the
Gallactica Investment Services, Unltd. Brain Portfolio for year 5655,
Everything looked great
and it looked like a lot of money could be made in the markets! But apparently
Grunion Guy had retired with pocket change because he couldn't even buy one
share of any company.
Chapter 3: The Trading Life of Grunion Guy
Since Grunion Guy wasn't
wealthy enough to play in the world of High Finance, he decided to become a
space faring trader. He went off to buy a ship and was denied a loan because he
had retired with only 10,000 Galactic Credits and he needed at least 450,000
Galactic Credits for a down payment on a small Scout Ship.
It looked like he was
going to have to earn some money as a civilian if he was going to be able to
make money as a civilian! So he decided to go into hand to hand combat. Even
though he was physically unfit for it. Completely.
Chapter 4: Mortal Combat
Grunion Guy was
transported to a large prairie where he was to face off against his Adversary.
Grunion Guy was not skilled in anything but Jacking, so he chose Unarmed Combat.
He chose a leather suit for protection because he wanted to look cool.
Grunion Guy strode across
the prairie, ready to defend himself against his unknown assailant. Grunion Guy
couldn't hear or see anything but he knew he had to defend himself somehow! He
decided the best way to defend himself was with a counterattack since he
wouldn't know what was going on until he was actually attacked. And then maybe,
if the wind was just right and his adversary's smell was distinct, he might have
a chance at locating him and getting him in a sleeper hold for victory!
Grunion Guy stood sniffing
the wind when a fist smashed against the side of his face! Grunion Guy flailed
blindly and connected with his unknown adversary's jaw! Both combatants showed
minor signs of injury!
Grunion Guy tasted the air
by sticking his tongue out and waited. The Adversary kicked him in the groin and
Grunion Guy fell forward. He grabbed a rock by his hand and threw it ahead of
him. Grunion Guy smelled a solid thump and he tasted that his Opponent groaned
Grunion Guy felt the fight
was going fairly well since he was blind and deaf and stupid! Everything seemed
fairly even and then Grunion Guy felt a blow to the back of his neck. Grunion
Guy let out a loud gasp and fell face first in the dust. He lay unmoving as his
Adversary began kicking him in the ribs.
Grunion Guy shouted,
"Gddommphlefleh!" as he was repeatedly assaulted. Grunion Guy tried to
get up but his arms wouldn't work. He kicked his legs spastically as his
Opponent began beating him on the head with something hard and solid. Perhaps it
was a boot. Or a fist. Or a bat. Who could tell? Not the blind, deaf, retarded
guy who was dying on the prairie floor.
Grunion Guy's last
thoughts as the life was beaten out of him were, "Who would allow the
military to recruit a deaf, dumb, blind, weak retard with a heart and lung
condition? The future and its decisions sure are hard!"
Then Grunion Guy died.