The Adventures of Garonian Guy:
Adventureland
By
Grunion Guy

Garonian Guy checked his pockets as he trudged back to the Inn. "Stupid orcs!" he thought. "Stupid Elves!" he thought also. "Stupid wind Gods that steal my hard won treasures!" he thought as well. His journey to Fyleet had been a disaster. He had been so close to retirement only to have his carefully accumulated hoard of treasure snatched from his delicate fingers at the last second. "Maybe I should bring a bigger backpack to keep my treasures on me next adventure instead of leaving them in some random room in the dungeon! I'm no better than the dumb dumb Orcs that first raided Fyleet." Garonian Guy entered the Green Gryphon Inn and was completely ignored by the serving wenches and prostitutes who could smell a man with empty pockets on sight.

After having slept the night in the Stable Boy's stable due to lack of funds, Garonian Guy immediately checked the message boards at the Easy Breezy Hall of Heroes for Hire for any leads. He saw one! A promising one even!

"I'm a novice! I don't have special equipment! I'm an adult! Woohoo!"

Garonian Guy jumped up and clicked his heels together. "This job sounds perfect! And I'm such a famous and amazing adventurer (I conquered Fyleet, didn't I?!) that I bet I can find all 13 treasures way faster than 1 month!" With that said and his heels clicked, Garonian Guy headed into the forest to make his fortune!

The Forest of Flipperdadee!

Garonian Guy traveled south from Simplagul's capital city, Easy Breezy, to the Flipperdadee Forest where these 13 great treasures were supposedly lost. Who lost them? Did the person who lost them post the notice and does that person want them back? Why is the plot to this adventure so vague? At least Fyleet had some structure even if none of it made much sense!

The Forest was boring and filled with the same trees to climb no matter which direction Garonian Guy went. He finally headed

East

out of the forest and into the Fields of Farming.

That sign is definitely in Yell-Ow-Landian.

Being a bard of notable stature, Garonian Guy was fluent in Simplagulese, Nopainish, Easylandian, Hardman, Toughasnailsokian, Dangerouslandish, Deadlandish, and Yell-Ow-Landese. The sign said, "In many cases mud is good. In others..."

"In others what?" thought Garonian Guy. "In others, mud is great? That's probably it!" Having defeated a mad priest and a bunch of demons and a dread knight recently, Garonian Guy wasn't too worried about a dragon. But he knew the phrase, "Let sleeping dragons lie unless you want your face burnt off", so he headed off to the

East.

Odd. This sign was in Dangerouslandish!

Garonian Guy came upon a farmer's non-swimming hole which was too bad because swimming was one of Garonian Guy's best subjects in school. That was a pun if you remembered that Garonian Guy was half fish. Also his nickname was Grunion Guy. Also also, he preferred his nickname over his heroic name so he politely asked the omniscient narrator to begin calling him by his nickname.

"Look at that!" looked Grunion Guy as he looked in the lake. A *GOLDEN FISH* was swimming in the lake in flagrant defiance of the nearby sign.

"Hello, Fish!" prevaricated Grunion Guy because speaking with fish was his second best subject in school. Now that you know Grunion Guy is half fish, you can laugh at that pun! Usually fish have really important things to say but this one seemed to be stuck up, being gold and all. "Fine, Fish! I'll be back for you later!"

Grunion Guy noticed a rusty axe at the edge of the lake. It had the magic word "BUNYON" written on it. Grunion Guy knew it was a magic word because he'd had experience with magic words in Fyleet.

"I'm really becoming a well-rounded adventurer!" he bragged out loud in case a cute woman was standing nearby to hear. One wasn't, so he decided to

TAKE the AXE

for protection. Even though he believed he was a well-rounded adventurer, he was still setting off on adventures unprepared and with no supplies. Trusting his instincts, Grunion Guy headed

North

and found himself sinking in a quicksand bog.

This is why adventurers usually have ropes. And companions.

"Well isn't this just my luck," gloated Grunion Guy as he noticed a *small statue of a BLUE OX* sinking in the quicksand next to him! "I've only just started my adventure and I've found one of the thirteen treasures! Whoever lost these treasures wasn't trying very hard to find them!" Grunion Guy sank a little bit lower. "Or maybe they're at the bottom of this pit!" He decided to

TAKE the OX

before it (or he!) disappeared from view. The statue made swimming impossible even though Grunion Guy's swimming ability wasn't just a learned skill; it was a super power! But he was a little bit out of shape, so he knew he was going to have to resort to using his magic word already. Grunion Guy had to

SAY BUNYON

which caused the axe and ox in his hands to vibrate and disappear!

"Gosh darn it! It's just like Fyleet all over again! I find a treasure and I lose a treasure! This adventuring stuff is exhausting."

Now that Grunion Guy's hands were empty, he was able to
SWIM

majestically back to shore. He swam past the *GOLDEN FISH* which continued to look up its nose at him.

"Well, I never!" snorted Grunion Guy who was sophisticated enough to know that was what one says to somebody who thinks they are better than you. Angry, Grunion Guy stormed off to the

South

where he discovered a hole in the ground.

I am reading you, sign! You say, "Read me!"

Grunion Guy did as the sign asked and read it. It was a Help Wanted sign! Somebody needed another hero to go on a Pirate Adventure! "That sounds like something I'd be good at," shouted Grunion Guy! "Pirate Adventures take place on the sea and I am, if I haven't mentioned it to whoever might be listening to my great story right now or, even better, watching it on a movie screen, a great swimmer!" Grunion Guy danced about excitedly. And even though he never meant to

ENTER the HOLE,

he slipped over the edge.

"I should have brought a rope and/or a companion!" he shouted as he fell one and a half feet to a small ledge overlooking the bottomless pit.

The Bottomless Hole! I think.

On the ledge were some flint and steel which was truly lucky for Grunion Guy since, as was mentioned previously and will probably be mentioned again and again on every adventure he goes on, he has a problem with outfitting himself before adventures. Grunion Guy made sure to

GET the FLINT

before climbing back

Up

and out of the hole.

"How lucky! Now I can use this flint and steel to do whatever flint and steel is used for! Building a sword, maybe!"

Grunion Guy tried to put the flint and steel in his pack but realized he forgot to bring a pack along as well. "I guess I can just carry everything! How heavy can 13 Treasures be?!"

Grunion Guy continued to explore to the

West

where he happened upon a huge tree.

A tree this conspicuous must be clumb!

Grunion Guy wasn't great at climbing trees since trees hardly ever grew in the ocean. And even when you did find a tree in the ocean, nobody ever climbed it. They just swam to the top and through the branches and nibbled on the drowned squirrels. But Grunion Guy was a hero! He gathered up all his heroic heroisms and he tried his best to

CLIMB the TREE!

Grunion Guy lie on his back panting and puffing and holding his side which he landed on after falling from the first branch. Knowing that the thirty-third Rule of Chivalry was to never give up, Grunion Guy tried again. He tried several times before he walked around to the other side of the tree where, if he stood on his tiptoes, he could see a spider's web with writing on it and a ring of keys. He wanted to

GET the KEYS

but first had to make sure a spider wasn't hiding behind them or in his hair. He shivered violently at the thought, especially since he didn't have a weapon to protect himself and quickly snatched the ring of keys from the branch. He balanced them on his flint and steel before reading the spider web.

"Chop 'er down!" read the web.

"Why on Grunionia would a spider leave a message in its web for somebody to destroy its home?" philosophilized Grunion Guy. "Perhaps it is a Wizard whose spell backfired on him and now he just wants to die! Well, I am a hero and I accept all missions! If it's the last side quest I do, I will chop it

Down!"

Grunion Guy didn't have a broom suitable for chopping down a spider web, so he explored to the

West

in the hopes of finding some kind of witch's conveyance or a weapon. "Note to self," self-noted Grunion Guy. "Stop forgetting your weapon when you go on adventures!"

The Place of Paul!

Grunion Guy found himself in a hidden grove that wasn't as hidden as he first thought since somebody had already claimed the land for themselves. That someone was someone named Paul and Grunion Guy was terribly envious of him.

"Look at all Paul's stuff!" sighed Grunion Guy as he noticed the *JEWELLED FRUIT* and the rusty axe and the *Small statue of a BLUE OX* lying in the grass. "Hey! Wait a second! That's mostly my stuff! This Paul is a thief! I'm taking back my stuff! And his stuff just to teach him a lesson!"

Grunion Guy made sure to

GET the AXE

and

GET the OX

and

GET the FRUIT

before heading back to the

East

to complete his first side quest now that he had a weapon!

Gazing up at the tall tree (or down at the small tree (or levelly at the Grunion Guy sized tree, depending on the budget of the future Adventureland movie)), Grunion Guy spit on his axe and wiped his hands together voraciously. He picked it up by the non-pointy side and gave a tremendous blow to the spider web!

*CRAAAAACK!* boomed the tree with a large cracking and booming sound! Dust and splinters and birds flew everywhere as the tree toppled over.

"Whoops!" thought Grunion Guy as he marvelled at his ability to deforestate. "I didn't mean to

CHOP the TREE

down! I hope the spider isn't too angry!"

When the dust and the birds cleared, Grunion Guy noticed that the tree stump was hollow! "Well, I've done weirder things than this as a hero!" thought Grunion Guy as he

ENTERed the STUMP.

View from inside a stump.

Grunion Guy found himself in a damp hollow swamp in the stump. A sign read, "Leave *TREASURES* here, then say: SCORE."

"That's an odd thing to find inside a tree that I just chopped down! I wonder how it got here?" That's when Grunion Guy noticed the passage down into the ground. "Aha! I guess somebody dug their way up and into the tree and thought it would be a safe place for their treasure vault! But I am too wily for these tunnel dwelling treasure hoarders! As I proved previously in my Fyleet adventures!"

Grunion Guy was a keen observer because he had learned that if you don't observe keenly, you will miss the secret places in adventures where hidden things are hidden even though there were no clues as to where the hidden things might be! In this case, he noticed the sign was telling him how to recognize treasures! They were the items he was finding that were *extra shiny*! "I guess I'll leave my treasures here! I hope nobody wanders by and looks in this hollow stump and steals my hard-stolen treasures!" Grunion Guy

DROPped the FRUIT and

DROPped the OX.

That's when he also noticed a lamp sitting behind the sign. "Thank the gods! An adventurer always needs a lamp! I really need a squire named Pickle Boy to remind me to equip myself better before setting off on my adventures!" Grunion Guy remembered to

GET the LAMP

before heading

Down

into the dark depths.

The Depths that were Dark.

The depths weren't so dark yet that he had to use his lantern although he did find his first treasure of this dungeon: a *Pot of RUBIES*! Apparently the *Pot of RUBIES* was too heavy to carry up to the secret treasure room so the previous owner decided to just stick it here. "Here" seemed as good as "there" anyway!

Hoping the owner wouldn't walk in right at the moment he decided to

GET the RUBIES,

even though that would be really entertaining and might lead to a dramatic car chase, Grunion Guy picked up the pot. "It's not very heavy at all! The previous owner must have been very lazy! She probably doesn't even deserve to own these rubies if she's going to be so careless with them.

Grunion Guy

ENTERed a HOLE

in the middle of the floor and was surprised to find a door in the cavern wall.

What is behind the green door?

The door was locked but Grunion Guy had conveniently found a ring of keys in the tree that had been blocking the hole which led to the door. "This dungeon must be so old that the tree grew up from the treasure chamber, lifting the ring of keys off of the hook where it had been kept so that the previous landlord wouldn't have to search all over the place for where he last set it down." Thinking this thought through even further, Grunion Guy was struck with this pleasant thought: "A tree takes a long time to grow so big! The original owner of all this treasure must be dead! And that means it's legally mind due to the 'finders keepers' clause!"

Grunion Guy tried all the keys on the keyring in the hopes that one of them

OPENed the DOOR.

Luckily the first key he tried unlocked the door since it was the only key on the keyring. Also luckily, the door opened onto a hallway instead of a brick wall which Grunion Guy knew was a possibility, having been on several unfair and ridiculous adventures.

The hall was dark so Grunion Guy figured it was time to

LIGHT the LAMP

before he

ENTERed the HALL.

It's less a hall and even less a corridor and more just a subterranean passageway.

"Why did I even need to light the lamp?" wondered Grunion Guy. "Every place looks exactly like every place else! I guess if you live in the dark, you don't need to invent paint!" Grunion Guy patted himself on the back for such a profound and intelligent thought before heading

Down

deeper into the underground complex.

Complex might be the wrong word but dictionaries are expensive.

"Complex is exactly the word I would use to describe this place," exclaimed Grunion Guy who was less concerned with the lies dictionaries are wont to tell readers. "It has so many exits that it is not a simple feat to choose the correct one!" Grunion Guy used language much the way a cat uses a mouse. Because when he chose which way to go, it was the simplest decision in the entire world! He took no time to think about it and possibly even forgot that there were other choices as he picked at the dry patch of skin on the webbing between his thumb and his index finger and wandered

South.

The Royal Anteroom! Boy, I sure wish I had that dictionary!

"This place sure is fancy! And royal! I must have discovered a great underground kingdom! It must be great because they invented paint even in the dark." Grunion Guy thought about taking notes since this was probably a truly great archaeological discovery but he didn't bring a notepad along (or anything else, for that matter), so he just decided to loot the place. Lying on the ground was an empty bladder, so that seemed like a good place to start even though it didn't have asterisks around it.

After

GETting the BLADDER,

Grunion Guy felt thirsty. He remembered there was a bottle of water in the tree stump which he didn't take with him because he was holding so many things in his arms that he was afraid of dropping it and breaking it. Then he might step on the glass since he probably forgot to bring his boots too. So he went back

North then

Up and

Up and

Up and

Up

until he reached the inside of the tree stump. His arms were really getting heavy, so he decided to

DROP the RUBIES,

DROP the KEYS, and

DROP the AXE

before

GETting the BOTTLE

of water. He also wanted some fresh air, so he climbed

UP

and out of the tree stump and back into the swamp.

The swamp smelled even worse than the stale underground air since it was filled with evil smelling mud and patches of "OILY" slime and swamp gas and chiggers! The chiggers might not have smelled bad except they were covered in the mud and breathing the gas. "I bet if those disgusting chiggers ever bit me, the bite would get infected! They're so gross! Good thing I once pretended to be a doctor when I was a Russian Caveman exploring a spaceship, so I know that GETting MUD will cure chigger bites! But I shouldn't GET MUD now because it's gross and I don't need it! Unless I've been bitten by chiggers! Which I haven't been. But I might have been! And then it would be a good idea to GET the MUD, if you know what I'm saying!"

Grunion Guy suddenly had a great idea for a prank! "This bladder is like a whoopee cushion! I bet if I fill it with gas, I can put it underneath Teleman the Barbarian's butt when tries to sit down and everybody will think he farted and we'll all laugh at him and point and nickname him 'Fartypants!'" Grunion Guy decided to

GET GAS

to fill up his bladder. "This is going to be hilarious! But first I should finish my adventure so I can be rich and buy a monocle. Then I can rub my wealth in Fartypants's face!"

Grunion Guy headed back into the underground kingdom. He

ENTERed the STUMP,

then he continued

Down where he

ENTERed a HOLE before

ENTERing a HALLWAY.

He then continued

Down before heading

South

where he found himself once again in the Royal Anteroom. It was here he remembered he had been thirsty, so he took a tiny sip of water and then spit it out. "Bleck! Water is boring!" He continued to explore by heading

Up.

A Royal Chamber. You can tell by the wallpaper.

"Why would somebody have bricked up that window?" concentrated Grunion Guy. "I bet the King did it because it looked in on the Princess! He probably got tired of no-good adventurers getting a sneaky peak at the Princess's frilly nightie!" Grunion Guy couldn't wait to take a sneaky peak! He wanted a sneaky peak so badly that he was willing to miss out on calling Teleman "Mr. Fartypants" for the rest of his life! He

DROPped the BLADDER

because he had a plan that he hoped wouldn't make enough noise that the King would notice and catch him taking a sneaky peak or that the Princess would hear so that she would put on a robe! Grunion Guy took out his flint and steel so he could

LIGHT the GAS

which is exactly what he did!

KABOOM! went the distended gas bladder full of gas! KABOOM! went the bricks all over the place but not all over the place enough to hit Grunion Guy in the face. "That was close!" thought Grunion Guy as he pictured his helmet resting on the bedside table back at the inn, right next to his backpack, his sword, his ten foot pole, his iron rations, and his sexy squire. He didn't really have a sexy squire but since the picturing of his gear which he forgot was simply in his head, he decided it would be okay to embellish a bit.

Grunion Guy notice he had

DROPped the FLINT

when the explosion made him scream shrilly and fall on the ground. He didn't mind though because he probably wouldn't need it anymore. Unless he took too long exploring and his lamp ran out of fuel and he needed to use a makeshift torch or something. "Oh, that more than likely won't happen! Plus, I don't have time to find where the flint and where the steel went because the Princess might be putting on her robe right at this instant! Grunion Guy quickly

ENTERed the HOLE

and found himself on a narrow ledge by a chasm. Across the chasm was the throne-room. "The Throne Room?! Darn it! I was hoping for the Princess's Shower Room!"

This is a chasm. Sometimes you need to use your imagination.

Grunion Guy looked across the chasm and gulped in a way that told movie audiences he was scared but he would be brave in the face of fear and make it across this chasm. Unless the scene would be better if he said something funny like, "What an odd place to put a chasm? How did the King get to work every day?" Was that a funny enough observation? Maybe when the movie is made, the studio can hire Patton Oswalt and Louis CK to punch up the script a bit. Then Grunion Guy could probably say something really cutting in a way that uses really obtuse pop culture references and/or something about masturbating at forty five with two children in the throne room.

Grunion Guy decided to let the future comedians on staff come up with a great line to say when he finally got the courage to

JUMP

from one ledge to the other. It took longer to get his courage than a normal movie runs so Grunion Guy figured his adventure might have to be a television mini-series. Although if the Princess was in the Throne Room and he was lucky enough that she wanted to do it to him, he'd just have to edit out some of the more boring parts of his adventure down to however long an X-Rated movie was. Nobody in the world knows how long one of those is because nobody has ever made it to the end of one. Because the acting is so bad!

Once Grunion Guy did close his eyes and shrieked and ran and jumped over to the other ledge, he found that it was already occupied!

This ledge was occupied by the Princess! I mean a bear!

"Yes! I'm finally going to get to do it!" Grunion Guy dropped his pants so he could

SCREW the BEAR

and finally be able to not lie when he tells Teleman all about his sexual...wait a second! BEAR?! Grunion Guy almost shrieked again but then didn't because he realized the bear was no longer on the ledge with him. When he approached it with his pants down, the bear was so startled that he FELL off the ledge! "That was a close one!" thought Grunion Guy sadly and still virginally.

Standing next to where the bear had been was a *MAGIC MIRROR* eyeing him awkwardly. "I hope you don't think the image within me is something to be mounted," it seemed to say. It's possible it could have said that as well while being voiced by Patrick Stewart. Either way, it was a treasure so Grunion Guy decided to

GET the MIRROR.

Even though the princess turned out to be a bear, Grunion Guy was hopeful that the princess had a sister that was not a bear! He

ENTERed the THRONE

room by climbing through the hole on the ledge.

Those are some snazzy curtains.

"I bet this king was never assassinated!" remarked Grunion Guy. "This is the most inaccessible throne room I've ever been in!" Grunion Guy hadn't been in any other throne rooms before this but he probably didn't mention that because why would he want his audience to know he's never been invited to any royal parties?

Sitting on the throne was a *GOLDEN CROWN*! "Even without the asterisks, I would have recognized that for a treasure!" chirped Grunion Guy as he looked around to make sure nobody was watching before

GETting the CROWN.

The barely accessible throne room was a dead end, so Grunion Guy decided to make his way back to the complex room with all the decisions to make. He went

West,

then he

JUMPed

across the chasm and entered the hole he blew in the bricked up window to the

West.

He noticed some of the bricks that he had blown up lying scattered around the floor and decided to

GET the BRICKS

because you never know when you'll need some blown up bricks to solve a puzzle in a long abandoned dungeon. He continued

Down and then

North

until he was back in the cavern with lots of ways to go. He

DROPped the *GOLDEN CROWN*

because it kept poking him with its pointy bits and it was too small to put on his fat head. "My head is only fat because it has such a cool and enormous afro on it!" he sneered at the incompetent narrator. "When my adventure is made into a movie, this bit won't be in it because I will have the special effects department create a CGI crown that can fit perfectly on my fat head! But for now, I must continue to explore because I was told this adventure would only take one month and I didn't bring any food. So I should probably complete it a lot faster than that."

Grunion Guy eenie meenie minie moed the exits but forgot how to catch the tiger, so he shrugged his shoulders and headed

Down.

The Maze of Illiteracy!

Grunion Guy found himself face to entrance with a diabolical maze of pits! "Shucks!" he swore, sailor-like. "I was hoping maybe, just once, I could go on an adventure and not have to traverse a maze! It's a good thing I'm unnaturally good at finding my way through them! As if I already knew before hand which paths I should take!

Grunion Guy hitched up his pants (because like the rest of his equipment, he'd forgotten his belt) and sauntered casually into the maze. He went

North and then

West.

More proof that this is the fabled Maze of Illiteracy!

Grunion Guy stopped to ponder who Aladin was and if his rotting corpse was somewhere in the maze before heading

North and finally

Down

to a stream of lava deep under the treasure vault.

Grunion Guy jumped from one of those ledges to the other!

"Uh oh," thought Grunion Guy as he saw a slightly woozy bear here. "I hope things don't get uncomfortable between us seeing as how that bear tried to have sex with me earlier and I chivalrously refused!" Trying to make conversation, Grunion Guy looked at the stream, pointed at it, and said to the bear,

"DAMn LAVA!"

The bear staunchly avoided eye contact. Grunion Guy, a bit hurt, tripped over a sign that said, "Magic word is AWAY. Look la..". He accidentally

DROPped the BRICKS

which fell into the stream and blocking the flow of lava. In the empty space in the lava bed was a glowing *FIRESTONE*! And next to that was a *GOLDEN NET*! The *FIRESTONE* was still too hot to touch but luckily Grunion Guy still had a full bottle of useless water! He

POURed the WATER

over the *FIRESTONE* causing it to sizzle and eventually cool down. Grunion Guy made sure not to forget to

GET the NET and to

GET the FIRESTONE

before leaving.

"Two more treasures because I'm so adept at solving mazes!" Grunion Guy said aloud. He glanced over to see if the bear was duly impressed but it continued to ignore him. "That's okay, bear! I'm going to be rich and you're going to die down here all alone!" Feeling vindicated, Grunion Guy headed back

Up

into the maze. As he climbed up, he realized he had walked across a *THICK PERSIAN RUG* on the way through this room before. "How did I miss those asterisks?!" he interrobanged. This time, he managed to

GET the RUG

before moving on. But before moving on, he remembered he had learned a new magic word: AWAY! And since this was a Persian Rug and some guy named Aladin (who was probably friends with a guy named Aladdin!) had been in this maze, it was probably a flying Persian rug! "Well, you know what they say about Persians!" said Grunion Guy having no idea what they said about Persians or that the same book which contained the story of Aladdin often mentioned that the Persians were pederasts.

Grunion Guy say on the rug cradling his treasures. "Now all I have to do is

SAY AWAY

and I bet I'll fly right to my treasure room where I can get my other treasures and then fly home!" So that's what Grunion Guy did! At least the first part where he said the magic word since after saying it, he realized it didn't take him exactly where he had been hoping to go.

The sun hasn't moved at all!

Quietly, Grunion Guy headed

South

and then

ENTERed the STUMP

where he was keeping all of his treasures. He made sure no sneaky adventurers had wandered by and stolen his *Pot of RUBIES* and his *JEWELLED FRUIT* and his *Small statue of a BLUE OX* before he

DROPped the FIRESTONE,

DROPped the RUG,

DROPped the MIRROR, and

DROPped the NET.

When Grunion Guy dropped the *MAGIC MIRROR* on the *THICK PERSIAN RUG*, it lit up and said "DRAGON STING".

"I bet that is a clue! That dragon out in the field can sting! Well, I'd better not wake it up then!" Having second thoughts about having to walk all over the stupid dungeon, Grunion Guy decided to

GET the RUG

to make travel easier on his back.

"I don't know how exciting the rest of my adventure is going to be from here on out! We've already had the love story and I've visited nearly every location on set! Now it's mostly just revisiting old places and grabbing up the last of the treasures!" Grunion Guy considered how this could be made into a lucrative movie franchise with all of this backtracking. "Oh! I bet the finale will be a big fight with the dragon! So we should keep the audience on the edges of their tip toes by constantly reminding them that the dragon is ready to awaken and blast everything with fire! And then maybe all the elves and dwarfs and orcs will go to war while I scurry back home rich beyond belief!"

Forgetting where he was after all of his plans for the greatest movie trilogy of all time, Grunion Guy climbed

Up

and out of the tree stump. "Oh! I don't know why I just...I mean, I deliberately climbed up here to 

GET some MUD

for these, um, chigger bites!" Grunion Guy said out loud just in case any hot women were watching from behind the fallen tree. Grunion Guy smiled in every direction and winked at a bush that looked pretty cute before he managed to

ENTER the STUMP

without too much embarrassment. "Now to finish my quest!" Grunion Guy headed

Down and then

ENTERed the HOLE before

ENTERing the HALL.

He continued to climb

Down

into the tension building darkness, saying loudly, "I sure hope that dragon hasn't awokened up yet! Awakened? Awoked?" He almost tripped over the *GOLDEN CROWN* he forgot he left here because he couldn't carry everything in his arms and his head was too big to wear it. "I have far less to carry now, so I guess I'll

GET the CROWN

before moving on.

An enormous bee hive. Take my word for it.

"Hmm, I'd better make a note to hire a decent set designer when we put my adventure on film! This place looks like it was designed by dummies! Get it? Dumb Bees?!"

Inside the hive was a pile of *ROYAL HONEY* and some large African bees. "Mmm! Honey! I'd better

GET the HONEY

because it looks delicious but also because it has asterisks surrounding its name! I'm not sure if I should

GET the BEES

as well since they're large and African and that probably means I'm intimidated." Being a brave hero, Grunion Guy scooped the bees into his empty bottle. "I bet they'd love to have some fresh air! And pollen! How did they make all of this honey down here in the dark?!" Grunion Guy's back was aching so he decided to use his rug by

SAYing AWAY.

The mud was really beginning to stink, so Grunion Guy

DROPped the MUD before

SAYing AWAY

and zipping away to the field where the evil dragon was still sleeping! "Maybe it's time for my dramatic confrontation with the dragon! But first, I should

DROP the BEES

so they can go find something to eat." Grunion Guy carefully shook them out of his bottle while saying, "Go on, friends! Fly! Enjoy the flowers! Enjoy your freedom!"  But instead of flying off peacefully, the bees attacked the dragon which got so annoyed it got up and flew away!

"But...but...but...my dramatic conclusion! Now the only exciting part left of my adventure is the part where I sell all of my treasures, become incredibly wealthy, and retire with seventeen hot wives!" Grunion Guy only said the "seventeen hot wives" part because he knew a great adventurer was supposed to be sexually proclivitous. He was actually kind of frightened of trying to do it to just one woman at one time!

Before leaving the field, Grunion Guy noticed the dragon left her *DRAGON EGGS* behind. "Oh! If I take these, I can hatch them and raise them to attack me for the finale of the third movie of the trilogy!" Grunion Guy made sure to

GET the EGGS

before heading

South and

ENTERing the STUMP

where his treasures lay. Lie. Laid. Lied? Grunion Guy shrugged and

DROPped the EGGS and

DROPped the CROWN

before he remembered that jerko fish that wouldn't talk to him way back at the start of his adventure. "That fish had asterisks on him! I'll teach him to act snobby!" Grunion Guy remembered to

GET the NET

before he went

Up

and out of the stump. He headed

East and then

North

until he found himself at the edge of the pond that nobody was allowed to swim in. Except the stupid fish, apparently! He didn't want to kill the fish (well, he did want to kill the fish! But he was a super hero and he knew, for some reason, super heroes never killed no matter how much somebody had hurt their feelings) so he made sure to

GET some WATER

in his bottle before he attempted to

GET the FISH

with the net. "Now to just head back to my Treasure Trove and reap the benefits of my travails!" He headed

South and then

West and then

ENTERed the STUMP.

Tired of carrying everything because he forgot to bring his backpack and covered in infected chigger bites because he left the healing mud somewhere in the dungeon, Grunion Guy began counting out his treasures. He

DROPped the FISH,

DROPped the HONEY,

DROPped the NET, and

DROPped the RUG.

Grunion Guy had been everywhere and seen everything and he was still two treasures short! "This adventure is impossible!" He sat down and cried. His tears dripped down on his lamp which managed to

UNLIGHT the LAMP

unless "unlight" isn't a real word and then it extinguished it. "I know my lamp is a magic item," thought Grunion Guy, "But I bet I can sell it for a few gold pieces. As long as it doesn't rust from my tears." Grunion Guy carefully

RUBbed the LAMP

to clean off his tears.

I think the Genie has bosoms!

A genie materialized from the lamp and dropped a *DIAMOND RING*! "Hey! You cheapskate genie! You're suppose to give me three wishes! Come back here!" In an effort to get his three wishes, Grunion Guy once again

RUBbed the LAMP.

The genie materialized from the lamp and dropped a *DIAMOND BRACELET*! "Well, I guess that's good enough since that means I now have all of my treasures! And these chigger bites are oozing a ton of puss, so I should probably head back to town now. I hope I can find some medicine for infected Chigger bites!"

Grunion Guy balanced all of his treasures carefully in his arms and said, "Hooeey! Check out this

SCORE!"

He climbed out of the stump and trudged back to town to sell all of his fantastic treasures. "At least I wasn't so dumb as to leave them all behind this time! I wonder if I should mount another expedition back to Fyleet to find another way in. I hope no other dumb adventurer has found my treasure room and looted my stuff after I did all the work gathering it!"

Grunion Guy eventually made his way back to town where he collapsed from the chigger bite infection. When he awoke, he was on a cot in a back room of the hospital. His treasures had been stolen and he was left with a huge bill for medical expenses. "Dammit! Now I need to go on another adventure to pay this off! I don't want my credit taking a hit! I hear that's bad even if I don't know what it means at all!"

grunionguy

(at)

(dot)

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