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CHAPTER THIRTY
EIGHT
Jacob heads east and comes to a well where three flocks of sheep lie. A great stone lies upon the mouth of the well. The shepherds roll the stone away and water the sheep. Jacob says, "Where beetht thou from?" The shepherds say, "Haran." Jacob askth, "Have ye had thex with Laban?" The shepherds say, "Yes, we have had sex with Laban." Jacob says, "Ith he well?" The shepherds say, "This well is for everyone." Jacob says, "No, no! Ith there peathe about Laban?" The shepherds say, "Oh, sorry! Your effeminate way of speaking made us misunderstand you. Yes, he is well! And there is his daughter Rachel coming with the sheep." Jacob says, "Shoo! Take your sheep and go feed them tho I might thpeak alone with Rachel." The shepherds say, "We can't do that! All of the flocks must be together so that we can roll the stone from the well and water the sheep. Never mind that we already watered these sheep and forgot to wait for Rachel's sheep." Jacob sees Rachel and Laban's sheep and falls in love. Jacob rolls the stone from the well and waters Rachel's father's sheep. Jacob kisses Rachel and cries. Jacob says he is Laban's brother and Laban's nephew. It's probably true with all of the inbreeding. Rachel runs to tell her father. Laban says, "Sweet!" and runs off to embrace and kiss Jacob. Laban hits on Jacob. Jacob lives with Laban and Rachel and the sheep for a month.
STUDY QUESTIONS! God sent Abraham out of his father's lands so that he would not be corrupted by the Gods or the wicked ways of that land. But the women of the lands he was sent to were not worthy to marry. But why should the women who stayed behind in Abraham's father's lands be good stock when it was so important to get the heck out of there? Why do parents get mad when you have a crush on your cousin and get caught kissing her inside the pillow tent you made under the dining room table when The Bible is obviously pro-cousin marrying? If you're from the South, ignore this question since y'all have obviously been following The Bible's word on this matter. Why would they cover their well with a giant stone which you have to roll off every time you want to water your flocks? Can't they just put a tarp over it? Or just let the rain fall in it and fill it up some more? Are they trying to prevent a Biblical Jessica McClure? What do you think Jessica is up to these days? Or should I say 'down to'? Ha ha! She fell in a well! Remember that scene in Dolores Claiborne where she pushes her husband into the well during the eclipse and then has some sort of psychic transference with that other person in that other book? What the heck was that about? Maybe the well is a bubbling fountain or a geyser and if the stone isn't put in place, it will flood the entire world! Is that a stupid idea? Probably, since God promised not to flood the world again by putting a rainbow in the sky. So did light and water not create a prism effect before God made his Covenant with Noah? If you believe that then you must believe that physics, chemistry and biology can all suddenly change their properties in a heartbeat by God's whim. That seems really silly, doesn't it? Why bother learning science and doctoring if God can change the rules whenever he wants? Why am I asking questions based on the Noah chapter? Isn't it weird that Jacob is asking strangers if they've had sex with his uncle? Or does he just mean 'know' in the non-Biblical sense? Is it even possible to use the word 'know' in a non-Biblical sense in The Bible? And don't say God can make it possible since I'm tired of hearing that answer. You know what? That answer isn't allowed anymore in my Bible Study class! Did "and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep" sound dirty to you too? Why would the shepherds lie directly in Jacob's face about watering the sheep? Is that why God wanted Abraham to leave the area because all of the current occupants are liars? Is lying worse than stealing and killing? Jacob walked up and saw them all watering their sheep. Then when he tries to get rid of them so he can make a move on Rachel, they tell him they can't go until they've watered the sheep! Are they just trying to protect Rachel? They probably don't want to leave her alone with a weirdo like Jacob. Does Jacob only like Rachel for the size of her father's flock? That's an innuendo! If an Eskimo made an indirect insinuation about someone, would it be an Innuitendo? Shut up! That's funny! What if it was about having sex with a gaming console? Would it be an Innuenintendo? How many women have you scored with when you wept after you kissed them? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess zero! Is that considered being sensitive? Women like sensitive guys, right? If a woman cried after I kissed her, I'd think she was crazy and never call her again after sleeping with her after she got done crying. Why is Laban so happy to see Jacob? It gets a little weird by the well with Laban kissing Jacob and talking about his boner. And then they live together for a month! Why don't people point out this Chapter to show that The Bible approves of homosexual relationships! At least God doesn't strike anybody dead or anything while these two guys gay it up.
Wells
HISTORICAL FACTS I wish I had a baby to throw down a well! Jessica's stupid teenage parents received millions of dollars from gossipy housewives and do-goody do-gooders from all over the world! Wouldn't it be funny if Jessica fell down another well now? I bet she could make more money! Laban and Jacob weren't really having a man romance. I thought I'd clear that up since people who read The Bible and take every word literally probably can't tell when I'm making a joke. Although The Bible does say they kiss and live together for a month. So, literally, I'm probably wrong now and was right before. Nobody has ever actually seen a real raised, circular well made out of stones with the little wooden roof and the bucket hanging down. That's just an invention of Hollywood and whoever invented stuff like that before Hollywood existed. I think the Templars or the Masons. Some guy once said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." But I bet that guy would bang his head on a wall if he could see how transfixed the masses are by a baby girl trapped in a well. He'd probably change his quote to "Little girls trapped in wells and reported on by stupid smiling puppet people is or are the stupid opiate or opiates of the stupid masses or mass." The secret ingredient of Red Bull was originally Opium. The original slogan for Red Bull was not "Red Bull gives you wings" but "You'll suck a mean dick from some Red Bull."
Choose one. A.
Why do you think Laban was so happy to see Jacob? It seems to me like
maybe Rachel is defective and Laban is glad he's finally going to be able to
pawn off his retard daughter on some distant relative (and I mean distant in
'lives far away' and not distant as in 'not closely related'). I bet she's
barren also!
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture of a well that can be opened and closed by rolling a big stone over it since I can't even begin to picture what that looks like. I guess it could just be a hole in the ground with a stone just big enough to not fall down the hole. But I'm hoping you have a better imagination than I do.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? After you've done something manly for a woman (like move a rock off of her well or buy her a shot of beer), you can just grab her and kiss her and move in with her and her dad's sheep. Who cares what she thinks? Am I right? |
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