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CHAPTER THIRTY
ONE
At about 138 years old, Abraham remarries to Keturah. Abraham and Keturah beshat Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah. Jokshan beshat Sheba and Dedan. Dedan beshat Asshurim, Letushim, and Leummim. Midian beshat Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abidah, and Eldaah. Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac, his only real son. While Abraham was yet living, he gave gifts to all the sons of his concubines and sent them eastward to the east country in the east. Abraham lived to be 175 years old unless I'm doing my math incorrectly. Abraham gives up the ghost. Abraham dies. Isaac and Ishmael bury Abraham in the cave of Machpelah in the field of Ephron the Hittite, son of Zohar, near the plains of Mamre. After Abraham's death, God blessed Isaac. Isaac came to live by Beer-Lahai-Roi.
STUDY QUESTIONS! How old do you think Keturah was? How long do you think Abraham waited to remarry after the death of Sarah? Abraham sent all of his concubine's sons into the wilderness even though Sarah wasn't there to get angry at them and force Abraham's hand. Do you think he did it in honor of Sarah? Do you think it had become a tradition? Maybe Abraham didn't know what else to do with bastard children? Maybe he was trying to hide them all from God since God said he would bless his children and make of them great nations and who needs dozens of great nations growing up around your favorite son's great nation? Was Keturah considered a concubine or was she a real wife? What happened to her children? They obviously didn't inherit anything and they didn't help to bury Abraham. So were they sent off to the east also? Is The Bible speaking of her children when they say Abraham sent them off to the east or is he sending off a bunch of unnamed children who didn't matter because they were accidental pregnancies. How virile was Abraham? I hope I can still get it up at 138 years old! And older! He was probably still beshatting kids at 175! Do you think Keturah was a Canaanite? Is it okay to marry a Canaanite if it's your second marriage since the children won't actually count or matter or be loved in any way? Unless you consider giving them parting gifts 'Love'? Where did Ishmael come from? He must be around 90 years old. Has he been living in the wilderness all this time? Oh, maybe we'll find out in the next section called 'The Descendants of Ishmael'! Do you think it was awkward at Abraham's funeral? Do you think Isaac and Ishmael sat together at the reading of the will? What about all those other kids? Did they return for the funeral too? Or for the inheritance which they were all screwed out of? Did God really need to bless Isaac? Isaac was already a really rich man. Maybe he needed to be blessed to start producing all those gate stealing seeds!
FAITH vs SCIENCE
As a Believer, if you ever feel threatened by someone criticizing your religion, just remember you only need one argument: "Without Faith, you couldn't possibly understand." The television show, The X-Files, was, among many other things, a commentary on our times about the loss of religion and the need to replace it with something else. Fox Mulder's 'I Want to Believe' poster was not a statement about him wanting to believe in aliens or UFOs. He already believed in those things. What he was searching for was some kind of peace for his sister that would have a similar comfort as religion but didn't rely on religion and the after-life offered through it. The partnership of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully in The X-Files was representative of the human brain. The male Fox was the intuitive, imaginary believer who was entirely non-religious. The female Dana was the rational skeptic who continued to have faith in God. As Dana, the rational mind, began to develop cancer and was on the verge of death, Fox, the imaginitive side, began to spiral dangerously out of control into crazier and crazier levels of dementia and paranoia. The X-Files would have done well to end with Season Four when Fox Mulder is finally driven to suicide as Dana slowly dies of cancer. When Ishmael and Isaac buried their father in the cave in Machpelah, every time Isaac turned his back on Ishmael, Ishmael would raise the shovel over his head in a threatening manner and mumbled spiteful words under his breath until Isaac would turn around and say, "What was that?" and Ishmael would quickly lower the shovel as if he had just been digging and say, "Oh, um, just thinking out loud." In Halo 3, I use the Battle Rifle almost 44% of the time. This probably isn't because it's the best weapon (although, overall, it's the most versatile) but because I'm not aggressive enough to fight for the power weapons when the game begins. My kill to death ratio is right around 1.5, so it seems to work for me. My betrayal percentage with grenades hasn't been measured but it's probably much, much higher than most. I tend to trust myself with my own life and throw grenades behind me as I run for my life instead of trusting my teammates who are rushing headlong into my grenades to help save me
Choose one. A.
How did Ishmael know about Abraham's death? Did they remain in contact
after the Weaning Party Incident? Did Ishmael search for him when he got
older? Did they reunite after Sarah died?
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture that goes with the following X-Files Story that I made up all in my head! Really! THE
SPOOKY FILES Journal Entry, Today, 4:21 AM: My name is Super Special Agent Agent Dully. I think I made my boss mad and since I am FBI and my boss is the president and I'm working in a basement with a weirdo guy who works on weirdo cases even though he's super hot and could probably be the president of the president if he wasn't so hung up on some childhood secrets he has that I'll probably learn about in a future episode. Today was my first day on the job and it would probably be a lot more exciting if I told you about it in a flashback instead of in my cute little girl journal with the unicorn on the cover. Flashback, Today (or Yesterday, I guess, since 4:21 AM is tomorrow), 8:33 AM: It was today and Super Special Agent Agent Dully entered the FBI sub-basement to meet with her new partner, Kit Kat Mulberry. "Hello, Special Agent Kit Kat Mulberry," yelled Agent Dully! "Oh my! You caught me looking at my pornography!" shouted Agent Mulberry as he threw a pencil into the ceiling and put his porn down on the giant stack of porn that was next to the other giant stacks of porn. "I mean, I was doing research," corrected Agent Mulberry who was not at all embarrassed by his lack of socialization and his awkward way with other people that made him indulge in porn and prostitutes and pumpkin seeds. "Mmm-hmm," bored Dully. The audience yawned. "Well, I know you are here to spy on me because I am very intuitive unlike you which is weird because I am the man and you are logickal like a man but you are a woman and built very nicely too. Also, I am the emotional one," reverse-clichéd Agent Mulberry just to let everyone know where they stood. "I don't believe you," contradicted Agent Dully as she crossed her arms and stared at him like he was a little kid who was full of lies even though he was the only person full of truths. "Well, you'll soon see, Agent Dully..." began Agent Kit Kat Mulberry. "Please, let's keep this relationship professional. Call me Agent Dully," demanded Agent Agent Dully. "Okay, Agent Dully," corrected Kit Kat. "I just got this crazy Spooky Case faxed to me on this out-dated technology that is really funny to see. Also, look at my giant cell-phone and my pager too!" Agent Mulberry spoke the truth even when it was a little bit embarrassing. "That is neat but it is no match for my wicked bobbed hair and horrible shoulder pads. But that is beside the point since we have a Spooky Case to solve which I'm sure can be solved in a most rational and amazing way in which I ignore all of the weirdness with logickal babble and I also will probably trip and fall or be distracted at the end of the case and miss the Spooky part which you will see and make you want to believe the truth even more," remembered Agent Dully. "Anyway, the case is in Ore-Gone," mispronounced Agent Mulberry. "I am sure it involves aliens somehow! It will probably involve a lot of weird lights also since our FBI special effects budget was cut when we were sent to work in the sub-basement (which I should clarify isn't the basement of a submarine but a basement of a basement. Unless I'm wrong)," nodded Agent Mulberry effectively and ensured that lots of women would love this show because he's so gorgeous. He also ate a pumpkin seed. "Well, we should get going since we only have until 4:21 AM when I will begin writing my report on you, I mean, on our Spooky Cases." Agent Dully had let the bat out of the cab. "Aha! I knew you were here to spy on me so that you could get enough proof to shut down the Spooky Cases since I'm positive the government which I work for doesn't want me working for them but they keep paying me for some reason which I'm sure someone will explain in a later episode when they realize this set-up is kind of shallow and lame. Especially since I'm working on cases that could ruin all of their careers which is why they keep them in the sub-basement instead of burning them for some reason," pondered Kit Kat very effectively instead of just shutting up and collecting his paycheck for the next eight years. So Agent and Kit Kat caught their plane out to Ore-Gone and an hour later were in a small town by a spooky wood because Ore-Gone only has small towns surrounded by spooky woods. "We don't take very kindly to your kind," drawled the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor. "Jinx!" said the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor kicked the dirt and said, "Aww, shucks! Not again!" "Did you see that?" intuited Kit Kat. "I think there are aliens here!" "You got that from the way they said the same thing at the same time?" Agent Dully was amazed and she also added, "Aliens aren't real, Mulberry." "No, Dully! Three graves are missing the kids who were killed in the spooky woods mysteriously and were replaced by alien corpses but those are gone too now! revealed Kit Kat because he was good at seeing things and also he had read the Spooky Cases report while on the plane. "I didn't mention that stuff to you so I could know more than you and seem smarter while you just appear negative and belittling." "Oh, that makes sense. Perhaps we should investigate the spooky woods where the kids disappeared since I'm sure it wasn't aliens and also the bodies in the coffins were just monkeys. I'm sure of it," exhumed Agent Agent Dully. "I'm sure you're right, Dully," patronized Kit Kat since he knew there was more going on then that but he was tired of talking to people who weren't weird and capable of believing the stupidest, most unplausible things ever. Except she was wearing that cross around her neck, so he knew she believed in some stupid and unbelievable things. "Before going to the spooky woods, perhaps we should interview some crazy kids who knew the dead kids before they were crazy and they were dead," FBI'd Dully like a good Agent. Not a good woman named Agent but a good Super Special Agent of the FBI. Although she was also a good woman and hot too. She probably bent over at this point to show some super sweet pale cleavage in her white button up shirt that she never buttons up enough. So Dully and Mulberry headed off to the loony bin and spoke to some kids who would be important later because the kid in the coma is the culprit. But they didn't know that then so they just went back to the forest where the Sheriff yelled at them. "Get out of our area!" protected the Sheriff as he waved his shotgun in the face of two FBI Agents. "You shouldn't be here even if you are investigating a case! It's our priority or some other word that means you shouldn't be here because it is a case for local police only and not Super Special Agents!" rationalized the Sheriff as he crazily waved his gun around. "Come on, Mulberry, we should go," panicked Dully who didn't want to be shot in the face with a shotgun even though it would be really unlikely that one law enforcement person would do that to another one just because he was hiding the fact that a comatose boy was kidnapping other kids and taking them to the spooky woods to be abducted by aliens. While they were in the forest investigating, all of their things were burned up in a mysterious hotel fire set by the Autopsy Doctor. His daughter would rat him out later so that the fire wouldn't be a mystery and so that Kit Kat wouldn't keep thinking aliens were arsonists too. Also, the kid in the coma was the Sheriff's son. And then a strange light came down from the sky and took away the comatose kid who somehow found his way to the forest with the Autopsy Doctor's daughter and Mulberry saw it happen but Dully didn't because she was rubbing her neck where the Sheriff had hit her with the butt of his shotgun. "I knew it! Aliens!" Mulberry shot his fist in the air. The Sheriff shot at his own son. But luckily Mulberry made the shotgun point in the air (but not at the aliens, I guess) and the Sheriff didn't kill his own son in shame and fear that his son was a monster killing kids. But Mulberry knew there was more to the story, like Frankenstein, so he saved the coma boy. "What happened, Mulberry?" perplexed Dana, I mean, Dully as she walked up just in time to miss the amazing lights and the coma boy returning from wherever he had suddenly gone with the girl who did the same thing. "Aliens, Dully! It was aliens!" triumphed Mulberry. "I can't write that in my report! I'm just going to say it was wild bears," decided Dully. "Oh, you'll learn one day, my skeptical new friend whom I will probably learn to trust one day even though my motto is to trust nobody," nodded Mulberry knowingly. "Yeah? Well, not today. This case was not Spooky at all but Silly with a logickal explanation, as you will see in my report that will end the episode," retaliated Dully. Journal Entry, Some Time After The First Journal Entry: So, we went to Ore-Gone and found out that kids were being killed by wild bears. And the strange lights were probably explained because kids love to have rave parties in the woods. Rave parties are things that were really popular that had lights and musick and drugs. And the kids' bodies that seemed to be alien bodies were just because the bears mauled them so bad and also because the kids were on drugs and we all know what happens to people on drugs and maybe a couple of them were also monkeys like I originally suspected. So, it wasn't aliens and Weirdo Mulberry (which is his nickname that I forgot to talk about) was completely wrong and I don't know why I'm being punished and being forced to work in the Sub-Basement with a pervert who has sister issues (which we'll learn about later, probably) and can't relate to anybody and eats pumpkin seeds obsessively because of some oral fixation or something and believes anything anyone ever tells him unless it is logickal and rational or comes from someone who showers and is in authority and then it must be a lie. So, well, whatever, at least I'm getting paid. Until next week! Dully, OUT! End of Episode One!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? It's okay to love one child better than all of the others. |
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