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PART THREE
The serpent is too subtle. The serpent tells Eve God is a liar. The serpent says the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil will open Eve's eyes and not kill her. Eve liked the look of the tree of knowledge of good and evil which convinces her that the serpent was correct. And he was, sort of. In a truthy lying sort of way. Eve ate the fruit and gave some to Adam. The fruit gives them the knowledge of good and evil and tailoring and passing the buck. Eve and Adam realize they're naked. Eve and Adam make an apron of fig leaves. Probably two aprons. God gets suspicious and asks the tough questions. Adam blames God indirectly for giving him an uncontrollable woman. The woman blames the serpent. God curses the serpent to crawl and eat dust and bite ankles. God curses the woman to have children and bop snakes on the head while standing on a stool and screaming. God lets man off the hook and tells him he is cursed to eat his vegetables with home-grown bread. Adam calls his wife Eve which must mean bitch or shrew in Hebrew. God makes some nicer outfits for Eve and Adam since he's been eating of the knowledge tree for much longer. God kicks Eve and Adam out of Eden so they'll never again eat of the tree of life and can go die and become dust. God puts some baby angels and a flaming sword outside Eden to guard it from anyone 86ed from the establishment (i.e., Eve and Adam).
STUDY QUESTIONS! What was the serpent's motive for tricking Eve and Adam to go against God's one rule? Because he was the most subtle? What kind of character development is that? Who is the most subtle villain you've ever seen in a movie? Or read in a book, if you're into that kind of thing? Do you suppose any of the other creatures had a beef against God? What do you think God did to piss off the serpent? Eve says the serpent beguiled her. Does this make sense? When was the last time you were fooled by a snake? Eve liked the look of the tree. The Bible says it was pleasant to the eyes and a tree to be desired to make one wise. But it is the fruit of the tree of knowledge that would have caused those kinds of desires. Do you think Eve already ate of the tree and decided to pin it on the serpent? Or do you think The Bible's narrative voice is faulty? Eve gives Adam some of the fruit. Was he even paying attention? Did he know what he was eating? He was probably pretty stupid and gullible from not having eaten of the tree of knowledge of good and evil! What kind of fruit do you think could give you knowledge? People seem to think it was an apple but this section or translation of The Bible doesn't specify. I think it was a Loquat. When Eve and Adam suddenly realize they're naked, they make clothes. Wouldn't you get horny and make out? I bet I would! Nobody takes responsibility when the fruit is eaten. Couldn't they have all blamed God for putting the tree in the garden in the first place? Who do you think was most at fault? It was probably Eve, right? Does 'And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me' sound dirty to you too? God curses the serpent to crawl and eat dust and bite ankles. Isn't that what serpents do? What was the serpent doing before the curse if the way they are now wasn't how they always were? Was the serpent reading Shakespeare and writing poetry? God curses Mankind and the Serpent and sets them up as eternal enemies to struggle across generations. Keep a close eye on the rest of The Bible to see if this theme remains. What movies or shows have used this theme? Did you see Snakes on a Plane? How was it? Do you think God punishes Adam severely enough? He makes women have children and forces the serpent to crawl and eat dust. He just curses Adam to eat bread and grow his own vegetables while standing in thorns and thistles. Do you think God is sexist? Adam only gives Eve her name after they've pissed off God. Eve is from the Hebrew 'Chavah' meaning 'living'. The text says he named her this because she is the mother of all living. Did the fruit give him the power of irony or sarcasm? Do you think he went out and started wearing a trucker's cap and acting too cool for everything? Why do you think God made Eve and Adam new clothes? Were they horrible tailors? Perhaps the fig leaves didn't cover all of Adam's junk? What animals did God kill to make the skins for Adam and Eve's new clothing? Do you think it was Snake Skin? If not, how fair is that to the other animals living chummy and happy vegetarian lifestyles in the Garden of Eden with no death or worry and suddenly God appears and begins slaughtering them for jackets as soon as Eve and Adam eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? Who is God talking to when he says, 'Behold, the man is become one of us'? Is he talking to the baby angels? And where did they come from? Where does the flaming sword come from? Everything seems to be going so peacefully and suddenly God shows up with baby angels and burning weapons? Do you think there are some Earlier Books before Genesis where God builds an army of flying babies and a giant bunker full of weapons? Why hasn't anybody found the Garden of Eden yet? Don't you think Google Earth would have seen a Giant Flaming Sword surrounded by Flying Babies already?
FAITH vs SCIENCE
HISTORICAL FACTS The biggest snake to ever live was the Giant Rattlesnakesaur that lived in North America. The Grand Canyon was its den! It laid eggs as big as Monster Trucks! It was eventually killed out when the Mongoosesaur evolved into the Giant Mongoosesaur and battled it to death in Downtown Tokyo. Adam and Eve were not ashamed of being naked because the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil had magic powers. They were ashamed becuase they ate so much of the fruit that they got fat. In reality, a flaming sword is a poor choice as a guard for your garden. Why? Gardens are flammable and also a word similar to the word flammable but means they're vulnerable to being cut instead of to fire. Swordable? Also, babies are not good guards. They cry at everything so you're going to be coming around thinking there is trouble all of the time except it will be the stupid baby just crying because it is hungry or it pooped on itself. And then the baby will finally cry itself to sleep when you get sick of it and just start ignoring it. And then everyone is going to sneak past it and get your fruit!
ESSAY ASSIGNMENT. A. Contrast and
compare the serpent with Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. Explore motive,
personality, and the language they use. Include one other example from Harry
Potter, the Wheel of Time series, The Shannara series or Of Mice and Men.
DRAWING TIME! Draw a picture to go with the following story. Snakes
in the Hood Now the Anaconda was more subtle and gigantick than any other creeping wee beestie in yon garden alt Eden. It was hanging from a tree looking all phat and tuff when Adam and Eve strolled by in conversation. "Aaagh! A serpent!" screamed Eve looking at Adam's crotch. "Aaagh! A bigger serpent!" screamed Adam manfully looking at the Anaconda. "Serpents don't eat people," Eve remembered. "Oh, they don't?" said Adam remembering that time someone was eaten by one and pointing at his head to show he was remembering. "Is it just me or does the garden make you really, really horny?" asked Eve after she ate some fruit the Anaconda had just stuck in her mouth. "What is horny?" asked Adam as the Anaconda shot out of the Amazon, I mean, the Pison while squealing and the music got louder and louder and everyone screamed and then Adam said, "Ackklleeethp!" Suddenly God, played by Ice Cube, came strolling through the garden with his uzi. "Pop pop pop!" said God's uzi as it cursed the Anaconda to die a thousand deaths in the river. "Yo chill! Who ate my fruits, nucka?" Adam pointed at Eve and Eve stuffed some fruit in Adam's mouth and then pointed at him too. Everyone laughed and God's friend was shot even though he got the scholarship! The End!
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN? God
has deemed that Man shall rule over Woman. KNOW THY ENEMY Look, how can you defend a story about a talking snake convincing a naked woman to eat a magic apple that will reveal the knowledge of God upon the consumer to a Rationalist or an Atheist? If you believe in the literal interpretation of the Bible, then you probably shouldn't have to. If they can't buy it, they aren't going to buy it since you can't provide them any more information than the Bible provides you. Which brings us to another enemy that thy shouldst know: the Informed Literalist. These are people who claim they believe the True Word of the Bible but actually believe in a different authority's interpretation of the Bible's True Word. This other authority is usually the Church or a Reverend or a Minister or an Evangelist, their father (their real father and not their Church Father) or their Father (the Church Father this time!). As a Bible Literalist, until the Bible tells you something, you can't just make up your own assumptions! So the snake who beguiles Eve is truly a Snake just doing a bad thing. Why? Who knows? There isn't any motive given! But is the Snake actually Satan? A Bible Literalist can only answer no at this point. A Bible Literalist can't even ask this question except by his knowledge of outside sources saying that it is. But we must trust the Bible and realize that this Snake is just a Snake. So when somebody starts arguing with you that Satan tempted Eve in the Garden, just let them know how untrue that is. God has no nemesis at this stage in the Bible. And why should he? He'd have to have created one! He only has Man doing what he's supposed to do and a Snake trying to wreck everything for everyone. Now I know I mentioned Free Will in an earlier Know Thy Enemy and Free Will has not yet been mentioned in the Bible. God has only given out orders that he demands his creations follow or they will be punished. But this is an area where we can learn what the Bible is telling us through how the story is told. Why would God need to command Adam not to do something if God created him to only be obedient? We also see that Adam and Eve are naive and innocent in their relation to their nakedness. We can extend that to probably being naive and innocent in all of their worldly ways because they haven't eaten the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil. These aren't assumptions at all. They are lines of logic leading from pieces of the story given to us as Divine Truth. So Man and Woman are naive and innocent. They know to trust this Great Man who visits their Garden and made them and the animals from dust. So why would they go against God's wishes? It is exactly because they haven't eaten of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge that they are tempted into eating of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! What does Eve know of deceit and trickery? Nothing! Why should she implicitly think God's word is 'truer' than the Serpent's word? But once she has knowledge, she gives Adam the fruit to eat. Now she has truly gone against God's wishes by bringing the downfall of Man as well. When she ate, she didn't know any better. When she made Adam eat, she knew all too well what she was doing. And perhaps this is why the Serpent does what he does. Perhaps he also ate of the Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil seeing as how God has commanded all the animals to just eat herbs and fruit as their meat. But God never commands the animals not to eat of that particular fruit. All that is said to help you with your new enemy, the Informed Literalist. The Informed Literalist will also argue to the end of time that Adam and Eve were the first Man and Woman. But as I've showed you in earlier installments, the Bible doesn't explicitly say this and it actually hurts the coherence of the Bible to insist that they were the only Man and Woman! So learn to argue the literal word of the Bible and you'll convince far more people of its veracity than if you believe the arguments stupider people throughout time have made up that have become Gospel yet make the Bible even more unbelievable than it already is on its own! |
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