THE VERY BIG CAVE ADVENTURE, PART TWO:
THE MORON'S QUEST!
By
Grunion Guy (not a Moron!)

When the second half of my adventure begins, I find myself beneath the bottom of the rope I just climbed down. Enough beneath it that I can't reach it anymore. I'm stuck in the bowels of the Earth! At least my intimate lady person is with me! I hope!

Even this deep, the cave entrances form exactly the same way!

Looking around, I see I am in a large cavern. Stalactites and stalagmites radiate a cold, greenish phosphorescence, casting an eerie twilight over the whole cave. The very air tastes ancient. I feel unmistakably that I am deep in the bowels of the Earth (just like I said earlier! I must be psychic!) with countless tons of earth between myself and the faintest glimmer of sunlight.

Good thing I have my trusty lamp! I hope it's trusty! I also hope my lady lover is trusty too! I begin my journey by heading

WEST,

the only direction I'm able to go. I find myself in more boring caves.

This place looks familiar.

Not that I'm hoping to find myself in Gotham again! Boy was that dull! But now I'm in yet another east-west corridor. My footsteps resound with a strange, dead echo off the massive weight of granite which surrounds me on every side.

"Hey, Trixie, want to hear what the strange dead echoes of making out sounds like," I almost ask my bird but notice her glaring at me. So instead I continue

WEST

down my east-west corridor. After wandering for almost no time at all, I enter the Soft Room.

Normally I would skip this picture. But this is evidence that Part Two is boring me already!

A deep soft carpet covers the floor. The walls are coated with some strange, soft, subterranean moss. I figure I should

EXAMINE THE CARPET

and notice it has a finely-worked design of skulls and serpents. Interesting. So then I decide to

EXAMINE THE WALLS.

To my horror, on close examination I see that the mossy walls are gently pulsating. Disgusting! And since the walls are so disgusting and possibly dangerous, I decide to

TOUCH THE WALL!

My arm is sucked deep into the pullulating mass. Only with a supreme effort do I pull it out again. Holy macanolli! This cave is suddenly scary and disgusting! I think I've gone from a Colossal Cave Parody to an H.P. Lovecraft Filmfest! I need to get out of here so I run

WEST

which I should know is deeper into this strange world but I'm too scared to care!

Could be scarier.

Suddenly I am in a cavern overhung with jagged stalactites which resemble the fangs of some obscene monster. My feet sink into a horrible deep-pile wall-to-wall cerise nylon carpet. Oh, it's a nightmare! The carpet is nylon! And cerise! UGH!

I know I'm going to regret it due to the nightmares it will cause but I

EXAMINE THE STALACTITES

and notice they are razor-sharp, and I observe to my horror that a thick red fluid is seeping from the very pores of the rock that forms them. This could only be scarier if the game's sentences had exclamation marks at the end of them!

What sort of demon hell have I entered? Am I in a Sarlacc? I can't stop myself when I

EXAMINE THE FLUID

although I wish I could have! It is red, thick and sticky. And then some of it drips on my hand as an eerie green mist drifts across my path.

I turn to make sure Trixie is okay but she's not there! My bedroom romper roommate is missing! I

EXAMINE THE MIST

to discover there is something unnatural about it. Yeah! I knew that! But what could it be? The rug continues to squirm about my feet and I know I need to take a closer look so I

EXAMINE THE CARPET!

It has red spots. Oh the horror! Cerise with red spots! What a disaster! I suddenly seem gripped by some overwhelmingly dark force and

TASTE THE SPOTS!

Sweet and sickly. What does sickly taste like? Vomit? Do the red spots taste like sugary vomit?! Will this nightmare never end? I reach my breaking point and panic! I

WEAR THE BELT

so that I don't lose it as I panic and then

TRY TO GO NORTH AND WEST AND SOUTH AND LOOK AND WASTE A BUNCH OF MOVES UNTIL...

Suddenly I realise that the razor-spiked ceiling of the cave is descending slowly but inexorably toward me. I try to run, but what had seemed a simple nylon carpet incapable of harming anything except good taste now turns out to be a living thing -- or rather a writhing mass of living things twining themselves about my ankles and crushing... crushing... while above me the glistening red death-spikes move closer with every passing second...

"Alright! Break it up!" screams Trixie as she storms into the room, all scowls and glares and indescribable beauty! "This is supposed to be a Colossal Caves spoof, not a B-grade horror movie! Can't a girl take five minutes to get down a rope in a ladylike way without you third form idiots messing everything up?"

"Cynthia! Turn off the green mist machine -- do you know how much that stuff costs? Susan! Put that ketchup back in the kitchen! Julia! Get out of that Living Carpet costume!" screams Trixie as Janet pulls the writhing mass finger gloves from her hands.

"I was being groped by a WOMAN!" I think and try to cover my manly excitement with my black rod.

"You're all in detention. I'm surprised at you -- taking advantage of a half-witted player like that."

"Yeah!" I yell and shake my fist at the beautiful women who were touching me and erotically dripping ketchup on me!

"Alright. Back to your places everyone, let's take it from the top," says Trixie as the world spins and I find myself once again in the Large Cavern with the rope hanging just out of my reach. This time, a white rabbit appears and hops away west muttering to himself "Oh, my ears and whiskers, I'm late! I'm late!"

"There. That's much nicer, isn't it?" asks the keeper of my heartsicle.

"So no H.P. Lovecraft then?" I sigh with relief and wonder what this white rabbit is supposed to be a parody of! Shakespeare? I head

WEST

wondering what a rabbit could possibly be late for? Is it pregnant?

Is it still spelunking when you've entered the house?

The cave passage disappears behind me as I enter a long low hall which resembles a corridor in a large Victorian house, all wood-panelling and heavy brocade curtains. It is lit by a row of lanterns hanging from the roof.

There doesn't seem to be a way out so of course there must be a way out behind one of the curtains. I

EXAMINE THE CURTAINS

and see a door. Looking further I see that there are ten doors behind the curtaining -- five on each side of the hall. They are all numbered, with odd numbers on the north side and even numbers on the south.

Well, that's going to make a mess of my map! All the doors seem pretty much the same, so I

OPEN DOOR

NUMBER ONE.

I jiggle the handle a little and the door won't open. Trixie smiles her impish smile and says, "It seems to be locked. In fact, I would go so far as to say it IS locked. Of course, you couldn't tell that for sure just by examining the door. I mean, it might be jammed or nailed up, or a very fat person might have gone to sleep leaning on the other side. Or he might be awake and pushing it deliberately. So strictly speaking I probably shouldn't be telling you that it IS locked. But what are friends for, after all?"

"Well, if it were those other things, the handle would probably turn instead of not turning the way locked door handles do," I respond and then wish I hadn't as I see her smile fade and she gets that 'I won't be letting you see my mammaries' look she so often gets.

Um, fine. I try to

OPEN DOOR

NUMBER TWO

because it's the next one! Except on the other side of the room. But it too is locked and Trixie dumps all over me again! I mean, she teases me in that cute way she has. I ignore her this time and

CONTINUE TO OPEN DOORS

until I suddenly I come upon a little three-legged table all made of solid glass.

"Well, this is inquisitive!" I chirp as I

EXAMINE THE TABLE.

Upon the table I notice a tiny golden key! I wonder how much the fence will give me for that! I

GET THE KEY

and stash it in my giant pocket. I hope I don't lose this! I decide to

EXAMINE THE TABLE

again just in case I missed anything and this time I see a crystal decanter marked "DRINK ME". I

GET THE DECANTER

and realize this isn't Shakespeare at all! It's a Dickens novel! It worked twice before so, once again, I

EXAMINE THE TABLE

and see a white kid glove that must have been under the decanter! Cool! I

DROP THE LAMP

so I can

GET THE GLOVE

and then I

WEAR THE GLOVE

so I can carry more stuff! Next, I

EXAMINE THE TABLE

once again and it seems there is nothing left on its surface. But I do notice that the table is a masterpiece of Venetian crystal, one of the few examples of such exquisitely delicate work to have survived into the present century. The table is chained to the wall so I need to figure out how to vandalise the chain so I can pinch the table! I take a look at my belt because it must do something cool! I mess around with the Dial for Awhile and eventually

DIAL FILE

because I noticed in some hints on the game that that was how you used the belt! I didn't mean to see that hint! I was just making sure I brought all the necessary items from Part One to Part Two so I wouldn't be stuck trying to carry all sorts of useless crap around the stupid cave just to find out I left something crucial behind and had to start all over!

So when I dial the file, one of the pods pops open...and I notice a small, strong file at my disposal! Great jumping horny bats! I

GET THE FILE

and proceed to steal myself an antique! I

FILE THE CHAIN

and free the table! I

DROP THE FILE,

hoping I won't need it again because I can barely carry any of this crap and then

GET THE TABLE

because it's a fabulous treasure! When I'm done robbing this place, I

EXAMINE THE CURTAINS

and this time round I discover a little door I had not noticed before, about fifteen inches high.

"Isn't this place homosexual?" I think because it really is weird and odd. Having no better options and getting rather thirsty, I

DRINK THE LIQUID

from the decanter. The first thing I notice is that the ground is a lot closer and the ceiling a lot further away. This is because I am lying on my back singing "Nellie Dean" in a powerful but rather slurred voice.

Being a bit drunk and a bit brash, I

KISS TRIXIE

and she allows me to kiss her hand! Woo hoo! First base! I swoon. When I awaken, my acute sense of smell brings a more distressing fact to my attention -- my feet are rather closer to my nose. This is because I am now about twelve inches high.

I guess that solves the problem with the mess that my map was going to be in if I could enter all ten of those giant sized doors! Now all I am able to do is

OPEN THE LITTLE DOOR.

The door opens onto a small passage not larger than a rabbit hole.

I bet the Spectrum version would be more entertaining with worse graphics.

At the end of the passage is a beautiful garden. Before heading out and deeper into the cave (or garden?), I

DROP THE KEY,

GET THE LAMP, and

ENTER THE LITTLE DOOR,

a bit drunk on the golden liquid, and see the rabbit! It hops hurriedly by, crying: "I'm late! I'm late!, I'm late!" It is short and fat and fond of strange comma placements, just like me! I head

NORTH

because every time I try to do anything else, like kiss or fondle the rabbit, I just fall over.

Someone has been painting lips on the tree again.

I stagger to the southern edge of a great garden. Near me a large rose-tree perfumes the air with the scent of fresh paint. The rabbit is still hear bothering me with its nonsense so I continue to head

NORTH

and deeper into the garden.

Poppies!

I am in the centre of a gently swaying garden. The smell of fresh paint is very pungent here. As I look at the blue sky and fleecy clouds I remember that I am in fact deep underground and realise that these have been painted on the ceiling and not very well painted either. I

EXAMINE THE RABBIT.

It looks very big for a rabbit. Of course that may be because you are very small for a person. I also notice the rabbit is tall and thin. Hmm. It was short and fat a second ago. I try to

GET THE RABBIT

but nearly fall over as I try to grab it by the boobs.

Hey! What's going on here? I bet that rabbit is four different girls dressed up as rabbits! A short one and a tall one and a giggly one and a bashful one! Are those other St. Brides hotties taking the piss out of me again? That's a British colloquialism that means they're being jerks!

Once again, I decide waste some time and

TRY TO GO NORTH AND WEST AND EAST AND LOOK AND WASTE A BUNCH OF MOVES UNTIL...

Trixie shoves me aside and says, "Oh, get away from the keyboard. You're obviously in no condition to play this game. Let an expert take over.

Trixie proceeds to GET RABBIT. She deftly seizes a rabbit by the tail and yanks it, squealing and kicking, into the air. She then

EXAMINES RABBIT

very thoroughly but not very gently, beginning by pulling off its skin, which not only produces an ear-splitting squeal of indignation, but also reveals a small, freckly schoolgirl, very red in the face and spattered all over with paint.

"Just as I thought," begins my girl sandwich. "The first form trying to get in on the act. Now listen carefully, 'cause I'm only going to say this once. The next person to start messing up this game is going to end up at the bottom of the little stream in a concrete gymslip."

"Now let's get back to the start of Part 2. And if we're not in the right game this time...IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!"

Please be the real game already! Please! Unless there is a trick porn version next!

And just like that, I'm back in the large cavern where I started twice before. I take a wild guess and head

WEST

again but this time my surroundings are more normal than the previous times! I hope this is the real game finally!

Oh joy! The good old cave again!

I am in a large room full of dusty rock. There is a big hole in the floor, cracks everywhere and a passage leading east. I examine the cracks and Trixie stops me.

"No. You wasted enough time on the cracks in part 1. They are never funny."

"You're right, Trixie! They were just plain stupid and I didn't giggle at them at all!" Curious about the funny cracks in the wall but too embarrassed to check them out with Trixie here, I head

DOWN

into the big hole. I'm now at a complex junction. A low hands-and-knees passage from the north joins a higher crawl from the east to make a walking passage west. There is a hole in the roof. The air is damp. There is an old advertising poster on the wall.

The poster says, "Get your kicks in Gotham City" which is weird because there were no prostitutes at all in Gotham City! Maybe it is a treat from That Man! I follow a passage to the

WEST

into the Mattress, a long east-west passage with holes everywhere.

The Mattress?

"Hey, Trixie! What should we do now that we're both in the Mattress?" Wink wink! Trixie blushes and waves me away as if to say, "Not in front of the game players!" Oh, she's so coy!

All the holes and passages seem to head to random locations and I'm trying to map this place and that is making it very hard to do, so I ignore all of the crazy caves and head

WEST

along the one path that is certain. The one path besides the other path which I came from! I emerge in the French Cheese Room whose walls smell strongly of extremely ripe goat cheese. A huge piece of rock takes up much of the floor.

This is the fanciest cave I've ever explored.

Just like you would expect to find in a cave! As opposed to those pillars which I would never expect to find in a cave and yet the text makes no mention of how odd they are.

I really need to find a place to get rid of this heavy table! But at least I figure I can

DROP THE FOOD

here for safe keeping! It's kind of like a pantry! I continue searching to the

WEST

where I find myself in the east end of the Two Pit Room. Fallen rubble makes it easy -- if hazardous -- to descend the pits.

I think I know why it's called the Two Pit Room!

I also notice a hole in the wall above the west pit. Those pits are pretty scary so I try to walk around but end up falling

DOWN

into the first pit! Luckily there was a large pool of water at the bottom to break my fall!

That's really more of a puddle than a pool. Trust me! I'm a water expert!

I have an empty bottle on me, so I figure I should

GET SOME WATER

while I'm down here. After filling up the bottle I was lucky enough to bring with me from Part One, I climb back

UP

the walls of the pit. I head

WEST

and decide to purposefully go

DOWN

into the second pit since the first pit had something to gather. I don't want to accidentally miss anything!

The second pit looks a lot like the first pit except instead of a pool of water, it has a tiny plant crying out: "Little weeeeeed!"

"That's weird!" I yell at it. It doesn't do anything. I decide it's probably thirsty because plants are always thirsty! I

POUR THE WATER ON THE PLANT

and it becomes a plant about twelve feet high shouting: "BIG WEEEEED!"

I bet I can make it into an even BIGGER WEEEEEED! I climb back

UP

the side of the pit and head

EAST

back to the other pit which I climb

DOWN

into. Once again, I

GET SOME WATER

and climb back

UP

the pit wall. I head

WEST

and jump

DOWN

into the second pit with the giant weed I've cultivated. I

POUR THE WATER ON THE PLANT

and it suddenly becomes a thirty-foot plant roaring: "GIANT MAN-EATING TRIFFIIIIIID!"

Uh-oh! I think I over watered my plant! Maybe I can drowned it! I climb back

UP

the pit wall and head over to the pit on the

EAST

side of the room. I climb back

DOWN

by the puddle and

GET SOME WATER.

Panting and sweating from this exertion, I climb back

UP,

head over to the

WEST

and climb back

DOWN

into the pit. This spelunking sure is hard work! I wish Trixie would carry some of this stuff.

"Hey, Trixie? Would you like to carry this table?" I ask her, hoping she might help out.

"What?! Um, no thanks. I don't want to get my fingerprints on it," she says cutely. What a sweet heart!

The Triffid roars at me again and I think better of watering it any more. Perhaps it's time to put it out of my misery! My belt probably has some weed killer so I spin the dial at random, hoping to come up with a plant toxin. On the third try, I

DIAL PARAQUAT

and a cloud of noxious gas squirts from one of the pods making me feel quite ill.

...however, it makes the plant feel even iller. The triffid dies a horrible death! I wonder if I earned any Experience Points? It would be nice to level up so I could carry more junk!

I do notice that the Triffid grew up into the hole above the pit, so I

CLIMB THE TRIFFID.

I enter a long narrow passage stretching away to the west.

That's my dead Triffid plant at the end of the hallway!

It's another nicely hewn hallway with pillars! I'm beginning to think that this isn't a normal cave! I head

WEST

almost immediately because this hallway is super boring. I find myself in the giant room. The roof here is too high for my lamp to show it. Cavernous passages lead north, south and east. On the wall are scrawled the words: FEE FIE FOE FOOM!

This cave has some strange carpeting.

I also notice an Exploding Purple Floss LP. The label says its Maximum charge is utterly lethal and it's fun for all the family!

I'm still fairly loaded up with junk but I can probably

GET THE RECORD

okay. It's pretty small! After that, I head

NORTH

and find my way blocked by a great oaken door!

"Really, cave? A door?! Is that a natural formation? I'm surprised I haven't battled any dragons yet! But I guess I need to battle this door and win if I'm going to get by! But I need a weapon!"

I tap my foot for a few hours and decide to try my utilty belt! That Man always has wonderful toys or something! I

DIAL SLEDGEHAMMER

and another pod pops open revealing a dehydrated sledgehammer! Hmm, good thing I got that extra water earlier! I

POUR THE WATER ON THE SLEDGEHAMMER

and it turns into a twelve-pound sledgehammer! That outta do the trick! If the trick is bashing the heck out of a big oaken door! I

DROP THE BOTTLE

and

GET THE HAMMER.

I spit on my hands and take a mighty swing! I

HIT THE DOOR WITH THE HAMMER

and there is a loud smash! The door is starting to give way! Once more, I

HIT THE DOOR WITH THE HAMMER!

The fine oaken door has now been vandalised and smashed beyond all repair! Yippee! I

DROP THE HAMMER

and I continue

NORTH

past the smashed door and into a magnificent cavern where a rushing stream becomes a sparkling waterfall which cascades into a roaring whirlpool which disappears into a hole in the floor. Wow! That's so descriptive! I can practically see it right in front of me!

Not quite the same as the description.

Oh yeah! I can see it in front of me! It's beautiful! And some golden bird has left a nest of six golden eggs here! I

GET THE EGGS

not because I'm greedy but because I don't want some wild animal coming by and eating them! Then nobody will get rich and/or no baby birds will hatch! Carefully cradling my precious cargo, I head

WEST.

I come to the top of a steep incline above a large room.

At least this view was slightly different than the rest of the caves.

I could probably climb down here but I'm way too fat to manage to climb back up! Well, I've got nowhere else to go for now so I head on

DOWN

into another cave with manmade pillars! I'm almost out of film so I better stop taking pictures of caverns that look exactly like other caverns I've visited! Maybe if I see something different, I'll take a snapshot of it. But since this large, low room looks like every other hall in this Very Big Cave, I'm going to just hurry right through it to the

NORTH

where I find myself in a dead end! But at least somebody had the decency to write a dirty word on the wall! Oh boy! I hope it's one I've never heard before! Then if I smash my thumb with my sledgehammer, I'll say it really loudly and impress Trixie with my trucker mouth! I

READ THE WORD

and discover it is MUD! Ha! I never knew that was a dirty word! I decide to test it out! Maybe it will get Trixie all bothered and steamed up! I say

MUD

and find myself back in the springhouse with the Fence and all of my treasures! Yay! I can unload my pack! So I quickly

DROP THE EGGS and

DROP THE TABLE and

DROP THE DECANTER!

I'm so rich now! I have 204,000 Pounds out of 250,000 Pounds! I'm almost there! I say

MUD

again so that I can get back to making fat stacks of cash! I have so much fun saying dirty words I decide to make up one of my own and yell

BRAN!

To my surprise, I end up in a small chamber lit by an eerie green light. I see an emerald the size of a wonga-wonga's egg! I have no idea what a wonga-wonga is but I do know an emerald is some kind of coin! I

GET THE EMERALD

and decide to check out the Dark Room to the

NE.

In the bright light cast by my lamp I see a photographer bending over his work.

I think it's Doug Henning!

Suddenly he turns round, screaming: "You a-stupeed a-moron." (He is Italian) "You have a-ruin everytheeng."

He then tosses me out of his Dark Room and I land back in the room with the eerie green light. As I sit there rubbing my bum, a hard, heavy object bounces off of my head. Ow! It hurts so much that it makes me swear!

BRAN!

I yell again! And since it still hurts, I add a loud

MUD

for good measure! Being back at the Spring House, I

DROP THE EMERALD

and say

MUD

but not in a nasty swearing way! Just in a I'd like to get back to the caverns kind of way! I wander

SOUTH and then

SW

into a long winding corridor. From here I head

UP

and find myself south of a deep chasm from which rises the customary white mist. I see a rickety bridge crossing the chasm and a monstrous hairy figure guarding it.

Where is the bridge and the hairy figure? Did someone blow them up?

Oh no! Another creature to defeat! This cavern is getting dangerous with all the Triffids and Hairy Figures and Oaken Doors and Photographers! I may not make it out of here alive! I look at the figure and notice he's really skinny and sad. I try to give him my food but he says, "Oh wow, like I mean, zarjaz, man, but this isn't really what I'm into."

"Zarjaz?" I wonder out loud.

"ZARJAZ!" he says shaking his head up and down. Oh, I get it! He's a hip cat hippy hipster groove shucking jive turkey! I bet he listens to music! I

GIVE THE RECORD

and he says, ungratefully, "Oh wow, like I mean, zarjaz, man, now bog off and let me play it." Fine! I will 'bog off'! Unless that means something disgusting and doesn't just mean going

SOUTH.

Once I'm back in the winding corridor, I start to get really mad! How dare that crumb bum take my record and then not appreciate it by giving me a magick treasure or something! I'm so furious that I swear the swear word that I found in the giant room!

FEE FIE!

I cry and Trixie blushes as we hear a loud ka-ba-FOOOOOOOM from back

UP

where the hairy guy was! I run back to see if he's okay and find that the hairy figure has been blown to kingdom come. So, unfortunately, has the bridge.

Well that just won't do! I guess Ill, logically, have to

WAVE THE ROD

so that a peculiar bony bridge will appear, spanning the chasm. I

DROP THE ROD

(which I hope nobody will wander by and use to make the bridge disappear!) and head

NORTH

across the chasm. I end up on the north side of the chasm which is spanned by a bridge which I can now see is formed by the shinbone of some gargantuan creature, the knee resting on one side and the toes on the other.

Ha ha! Get it? If you do, email me why it is funny!

It is a toe-knee bridge.

I don't get it. Is that supposed to be some kind of a joke?! These British people must have a better sense of humour than me! Probably because my humor doesn't have that extra U in it! I head

NE

and come to a long east-west corridor. A faint rumbling noise can be heard in the distance. I head

EAST

and end up at a fork in the path. I head

SE

and find myself walking along a gently sloping north-south passage lined with weird limestone formations. I see a jemmy. It looks like an ordinary jemmy. I don't know what a jemmy is! But I

GET THE JEMMY

because I'll probably need it to defeat a vampyre or something. Thinking of Vampyres makes me nervous and I feel like I should head back to somewhere safer in the cavern. So I head

NORTH

and then

WEST

and then

WEST

and then

SOUTH

across the toe-knee bridge. And then I head

SOUTH

and then

DOWN

and then

SE

into the racist Oriental Room. Ancient oriental writing adorns the walls. I read the writings and confirm the St. Bride's School for Racists was really racist because it says, "KIR LOY WAS HERE". Oh, ha ha. Jerks.

Beside the racist stuff, there is also a Ming vase here! I

GET THE VASE

and hope I don't drop it. Trixie won't let me hear the end of it if I drop it! I bet she's hoping I drop it! Then I'll have to run around the room going, "Glue! I need glue!" and then Trixie will tell me "I told you not to borrow without asking!" and then the bee will sting me amid all the bits and pieces of the broken vase and I'll go, "ow. OWWWW!" That's probably how it'll go so I should try to be careful. I head

SE

Finding myself back at the smelly old French Cheese Room, I decide to

GET THE FOOD

and get a closer look (and smell) of the walls, so I

EXAMINE THE WALL.

The walls are liberally decorated with large splots of goat cheese in which are embedded pieces of broken dinner plate. Elementary deduction would suggest that persons finding themselves short on custard pies but long on ripe goat cheese indulged in a goat cheese fight in this room. Since which time the cheese has been getting steadily riper. Not really interested in the cheese but kind of interested in broken dinnerware, I

GET THE BROKEN PLATE.

With my newfound treasure, I head head

NE and then

EAST and then

EAST

again, ending up in an anteroom adjoining a large passage to the east.

A sign reads: Dirty work ahead. Proceed at your own risk. Finemess Construction Co. Ltd. I'm pretty good at dirty work, so I head

EAST

once again. I end up in a large passage.

I think I might be in Castle Grayskull!

The floor is littered with broken crockery. A large iron gate stands before me. It has a sign on it. The sign says, "Please contribute to the plate collection, then proceed at your own risk." Well, okay. Whatever these weird cave dwellers want! I

DROP THE BROKEN PLATE

and the gate opens up! I now head

EAST

at my own risk!

*SPLOTTT!!!*

In the dark passage, someone says, "There you go, squire. Fresh (well, not fresh exactly) from the land of the Eyefull Tower, one well-matured faceful of soft, ripe, pungent Camembert. The best. Twelve dollars an ounce in the Chat Noir. Wipe it off with respect, kid.

And then I'm in the building site amid piles of sand and gravel. I notice two gentlemen in bowler hats, one very fat and the other very thin disappear rapidly into the distance.

Now I'm completely and thoroughly confused. What was that about? Broken plates? Cheese in the face? An ancient comedy team beating it from the scene? Please include me in the joke next time, Trixie!

"Just ignore it. British humour," she says in her British accent full of extra U's and S's replacing Z's and C's.

"Okay!" I shrug it off and

EXAMINE THE GRAVEL

at the building site. Deep within the gravel pit, I discover a large diamond! I

GET THE DIAMOND

and begin to wonder what it's going to be like when I put my hand up Trixie's shirt! I'm so rich she'll probably let me look at her bra even! With my eyes open!

Excited, I head back

WEST

and then

WEST

again and then

WEST

again and then

NORTH

where I find a large room carved from sedimentary rock.

I bet inside is either a pearl or a vampyre!

Sitting in the middle of the room is a giant clam! That's weird! "Isn't that weird, Trixie?"

"No," says Trixie as she snaps her gum and examines her fingernails.

"Well, I think it's weird!" I say as I try to open the clam. "Hmm, it's closed tight!"

"Try to jemmy it," says Trixie in her hot and sexy British slang jargon.

"Jemmy it?" I ask.

"Yeah, Jemmy it," she says.

"Okay," I shrug and

JEMMY THE CLAM.

I jemmy the clam like a professional even though I've never done it before and never even knew what that meant! I see a pearl and realise that it must actually have been an oyster. Then I see a flight of steps leading down inside it and realise that it is not an oyster either but a trapdoor.

"Whew! I thought it might be coffin!" I confess as I 

GET THE PEARL 

and head

DOWN

into the bowellers of the Earth. Deep, deep, deep in the earth, so deep in the cave I can't imagine going any deeper, I enter the pirate's hall! Well, that makes sense because he's down here burying his treasure chest! A treasure chest that I can sure use to win Trixie's heart!

The pirate says: "AAAARRRR! Jim lad!"

Good thing I know pirate! That means he's hungry! I

GIVE THE FOOD

to the pirate. He eats the food greedily without even washing his hands or looking at it. He has never been to school, or he would know better. The food has the same effect on him that school dinners always have on human beings. "AARRGGH! I'm poisoned!" he yells and dies instantly.

"That'll learn him," says Trixie ruthlessly.

"Wow, you're one heard-hearted b-word!" I say, knowing that b-word is what you call a jerky woman but not actually knowing the word b-word stands for.

"Thanks," says Trixie as she checks her watch. I

GET THE CHEST

and head back

UP

the stairs and out of the Oysterclamtrapdoorcoffin. I head

SOUTH and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

DOWN.

Then I

CLIMB THE TRIFFID

and head

WEST and then

NORTH and then

NORTH and then

WEST and then

DOWN and then

NORTH

back to the dead end. Once again, I say

MUD

because I'm so tired of backtracking this stupid cavern that I just have to swear! Once in the spring room, I

DROP THE VASE,

DROP THE PEARL, and

DROP THE DIAMOND.

I settle up with the fence and stuff my money into my pockets. Trixie eyes the new bulge in my pants with lust! I'm pretty sure it's lust! I've never actually seen what lust looks like in a girl's eyes before! In the dead end, I decide to

DROP THE JEMMY,

DROP THE CHEST, and

DROP THE LAMP.

"Don't worry, Trixie! I've got something in mind!" I just remembered that thing the photographer threw at my head and thought I should check it out. I say

BRAN

and teleport into that green glowing room once again. Lying on the floor is the platinum brick that bounced off of my skull. I

GET THE BRICK

and head

WEST.

I can't go any further without possibly falling in a sploosh hole or two, so I

DROP THE BRICK

outside of the narrow tunnel that I can't fit in with anything else and squeeze back into it to the

EAST.

I head northeast and the photographer throws another brick at me! I decide to leave that brick in the green glowing room even though I realize I can win the game just by loading up on Platinum Bricks! Those St. Bride programmer's weren't too smart!

I suddenly remember that I got hit in the head again with a brick, so I yell,

"BRAN,

that hurts!" and am back in the dead end. I

GET THE LAMP and

GET THE CHEST

and I'm ready for my last hurrah in these stupid caves! I head back to the castle across the chasm by heading

SOUTH,

SW,

UP,

NORTH,

NE,

EAST and

NE.

I hear a horribly loud rumbling noise hear and the whole corridor is shaking! I head to the east and end up in a room full of boulders with a horrible stripped-pine dresser.

"That might make a nice treasure if it were waxed and varnished," I think. But who wants to do all that hard work?! I leave it alone and head back to the west and then take the passage to the

NORTH.

Here I find myself in a vast chamber.

At one end sits the biggest giant I ever saw. Fat Charlotte from Lower IV isn't even in the running with his character. His enormous belly quivers in a way which explains all the rumbling I can hear.

I don't know who that Fat Charlotte might be. Maybe she's that spider with Tourette's! That giant sounds like he might have some digestion problems, so I look toward my trusty utility belt to help him out! I

DIAL BICARBONATE

and out pops a fizzing glass of the stuff. The giant drinks the bicarbonate and burps more gently. "Fanks," he says. "Yer a proper gent. 'Ere, cop this as a token of me happreciation." He throws me a glittering object which I neatly fail to catch.

It's a snuff box made of silver! I

GET THE SNUFF

and promptly get out of there before the giant decides his digestion has cleared up enough for light snack of a man who is also half-tuna! I head

SOUTH and then

SOUTH and then

SE and then

SOUTH

where I encounter a doorway with a sign next to it. It says, "This room guarded by killer wombats."

"Wombats?! I'm pretty sure I can handle myself around a wombat!" I head

SOUTH

 and notice a small but very pugnacious wombat fortunately fixed to the back wall by a golden chain.

"Aww! Look at the cyute Wombat!" I coo!

"It looks meaner than a Scottish teetotaller on a pub crawl," says Trixie in that sweet and adorable racist tone.

Suddenly, the wombat hollers "WOMBAT HO!" and leaps at me. Its teeth are bared, its red eyes blaze. It looks like Swotpot Sally Parker when I look over her shoulder in the end-of-term history test. Fortunately I have no idea what this game is talking about!

Wondering who Sally Parker is and what a Swotpot might be, I

OPEN THE CHEST

I got from the pirate. A blue-nosed ferret leaps out and massacres the wombat with contemptuous ease. It then returns to the chest and shuts the lid with a meaningful bang.

"Ha! I knew that would happen!" I exclaim and notice how impressed Trixie is as I

GET THE CHAIN.

"Shall we head out of this cave, my dear?" I ask Trixie. She pretends she didn't hear me. We head

NORTH and then

NORTH and then

NORTH and then

WEST and then

WEST and then

SOUTH and then

SOUTH and then

DOWN and then

SE and then

NORTH and then

WEST

when I suddenly realize I made a wrong turn while trying to find my way back to the Dead End! Luckily, I stumbled upon that Platinum Brick! I

GET THE BRICK

and double back the way I came. I head

NE and then

SOUTH and then

WEST and then

NORTH.

I kiss Trixie one more time on the hand since that's all she'll currently let me. She'll change her mind as soon as we count up all the loot! I yell, 

"MUD!"

and we're transported out of the cave once and for all! I

DROP THE BRICK and

DROP THE SNUFF and

DROP THE CHAIN.

I stand up proudly and spread my arms to receive a great big smooch from Trixie! She doesn't budge.

"Congratters! You can't be as dim as you look," she says in a weird kind of back-handed compliment.

Suddenly a burly policeman arrives. The fence disappears.

"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. So this is where you've bin stashing the loot, is it? 'Ad our eye on you for some time, we 'ave."

"Many thanks, Miss Trinian. This is the third dangerous villain you've 'elped us to happrehend this week."

"But...but...but...Trixie! My love! My sweetheart! How can you do this to me?! It was your idea! I've been framed!" I scream as the policeman hauls me off to prison. At least I made 250,000 Pounds and  became the smartest spelunker in the Scrubbs.

Never trust women!

OH TRIXIE I LOVE YOU!!!!

grunionguy

(at)

(dot)

com