HE-MAN and the Masters of the Universe in Super Adventure!
(also possibly called Terraquake!)
By
Grunion Guy

I begin my brand new adventure in King Radnor's throneroom. He's this albino King who seems really concerned about something. He's probably worried that He-man and Skeletor are going to start battling each other right there on his new Royal Carpet. Unless they're not really there. Maybe that's some sort of metaphor or something.

How much you wanna bet this is the most we see from Skeletor?

I try a number of actions I thought were smart at the time but realize that they won't help me at the moment, and there is no guarantee that they ever will. Also, the earth tremors more violently. Uh-oh! I didn't even know it was tremoring less violently when the game started! I better think of something to do quick.

But I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing here! No wonder fully half of these adventure games use the premise that you have amnesia! It's easier than giving any back story.

It's possible I may be Prince Adam except that Prince Adam's father was King Randor and not King Radnor! So maybe I'm Prince Aadm! That makes sense since when I TALK TO RADNOR, he says, "Go my son search out He-man."

Anyway, since nothing I do will ever help or have any guarantee of helping, I head

EAST

and find myself in a crystal corridor. Also, He-man and Skeletor are still here! Oh, I get it. They're just frames or bookends so I don't lose interest in the game when I can't find any other Mattel Trademarks.

Where is Bentley Bear?

Does this mean the King lives in a Crystal Castle? I decide to head south even though I really want to go north but can't.

He-man and Skeletor were still there but I decided to start cropping them out.

I find myself in a chamber of mirrors. One of the mirrors is larger than the others although the picture shows that three of them are larger than the others and two of the three are larger than the other one. But one of those has a sign over it, so I read the sign only to discover it is the sign of the speculum! Um. Oh my. Does that mean the mirror represents the womb? I try to enter the mirror and, just like a womb, it forbids mortal entry! It must be an exit only mirror. I try to take the mirror only to discover only He-Man could lift this. So that means I'm not He-Man! Perhaps I'm Teela or Man-at-Arms. Maybe if I look in the mirror, I can find out who I am! I hope I'm not Orko!

Looking in the mirror reveals that the mirror is life-size. So I must be Battle Cat since I don't seem to notice my reflection and only notice the mirror itself. At a loss and realizing that my walkthrough is off to a really bad start with all these directions that don't actually get you anywhere, I head back to the north and then head southwest, I mean,

SW

because the game is dumb. Afterwards, I find myself in my chambers! Maybe now I'll find out who I am!

I think the bed is hanging from the ceiling by those ropes.

There is a bed here that looks like a human would sleep in it but a giant green cat could also get pretty comfortable in that bed. I examine the bed and note that since it's my room, I know that the bed posts hide my secret. It's amazing I know that since I don't even know who I am! Oh! I bet I'm Prince Adam and I bet the manual told me that! I would look up the manual right now and see if I'm right but my internet is out and I'm waiting on the stupid Comcast lady to come fix my modem. That sounded dirty! Maybe I should turn on some porn music so she understands what really needs fixing! Except that might backfire because maybe the Comcast person will be a fat guy and the person who called about the appointment was only his fat secretary. Oh yeah, the bed posts! I

SEARCH THE POSTS

and a panel slides open on the southern wall. Whoever I am, I just found my nudie magazines! I enter the panel to the

SOUTH

and find myself inside He-Man's inner sanctum. Gross!

There is a non-glowing recess that I'll probably ignore.

That recess along the back wall is glowing so I should probably check that out! I

EXAMINE THE RECESS

and I find something of worth! It is the Sword of Power! OMG! I am He-Man! Or I soon will be! I

TAKE THE SWORD

and there is a mighty flash as I cry out, "By the power of Grayskull."

A moment later I am the mighty He-man! Odd that 'man' wasn't capitalized in that instance of my name unlike all the other times before. I wonder if it means something! I head

NORTH

and since I'm done exploring my bedroom, I head

NE

and then

SOUTH

to go see if He-Man can enter the womb! I mean, the mirror! So I brace myself for the embarrassment of shattering a mirror by walking right into it and instead of getting all cut up, I actually

ENTER THE MIRROR!

I pass through a whirling rainbow of colours and find myself in a small underground vault deep within the heart of the shadowlands. I see another Speculum Sign on the wall which grosses me out a little bit. I can go several directions, so I choose

WEST

because I have a heroic sense about these kinds of things. I end up in another boring, rocky chamber. You can tell it must be really boring because I didn't use italics on any of the words and I didn't even post a picture of the stupid cavern. From here, I head

SOUTH

when I suddenly feel a viscious swipe in the air as Mantanna the bane of Eternia attacks me!

Does Mantenna defecate from his face?

Oh no! It's Mantanna! I mean, Mantenna! It's hard to keep his name straight when he's not really one of my normal enemies. I'm pretty sure he's one of She-Ra's wimpier foes, so I

ATTACK MANTENNA WITH MY SWORD.

My sword of power cuts the terrorised Mantanna and he vapourises. The poor guy! I wonder who was terrorising him? I'm also surprised that I killed him since my foes usually end up running from me so they can attack me again in the next cartoon. I guess there won't be a sequel to this game! At least not for Mantuna! After I clean my blade of Mantina juice, I

SEARCH THE STALAGTITES

and I find something of worth! It's a Timelink! That sounds really exciting! But when I examine it, I don't get any details. So I better just

TAKE THE TIMELINK

and continue exploring. I head south and notice a large cuboid blocking an exit to the south. Since I don't believe in low friction Cuboids, I head back north, never to return. I head

NORTH

again and then

EAST

and I'm back to the backside of the mirror. I should probably find out who lost their Timelink and return it to them! So I

ENTER THE MIRROR

and am back in the real world. Or the more real world. Or the world with my bed in it, anyway. I head

NORTH and then

EAST

out of the Crystal Corridor and into the Crystal Passageway.

I'm exploring the Great Salt Castle!

Here, I notice melted wax on the walls. A door is open to the south and I can't continue east so it's the stupidest passageway I've ever encountered. And I've played Aztec Tomb Adventure where I climbed a Beanstork! I examine the wax and realize it is white! Boy, I sure hope that's wax. And even though I couldn't remember who I was earlier, I still remember Rule #1 in the Adventurer's Guide to Successful Adventuring: TAKE EVERYTHING. So I take the wax and stuff it in my pocket (or the front of my loincloth. Who knows?!). I exit the castle to the

SOUTH

and find myself in a courtyard.

Guards are apparently here dealing with horses. But why draw them in when drawing is hard?

The stable has collapsed! I hope I don't stable Cringer, I mean, Battle Cat in a stupid stable with stupid horses who couldn't transform into anything useful even if they had the power of Grayskull at their disposal. From the courtyard, I can travel in a number of different directions. And since a Walkthrough is supposed to be a through walk and not a Walkwander, I should probably explore a little bit without describing everything I do! I'll be right back with the solution and then, through the illusion of Writing and Reading, I'll put everything I did in the proper order and you'll never even know I didn't win the game on my first try! You won't even know I've been away getting lunch because you'll just start reading the next paragraph immediately after you finish reading this one!

So after quickly sizing up the situation (the situation was the Comcast man was a man!) and wiping the mayonnaise from my chin (it really is mayonnaise! I had lunch, remember!), I confidently head

NE

along a road paved of solid gold!

Eternia must be in Oz.

Gold must not be very valuable on Eternia or else this road would be full of potholes! As He-Man, I could probably dig up this whole road and then hide it in my secret panel back at the castle. Then when I transformed back into Prince Adam, nobody could accuse me, a mere weakling with lots of muscles, of digging up an entire road! It would be the perfect crime! I wonder why Skeletor doesn't get his henchmen to steal this road? Probably because my first thought about Gold not being very valuable was correct. So I ignore the billion dollar paving stones and head

EAST

to discover the Man at Arms Inn! Which seems weird since I thought Man-at-Arms worked for my dad. Maybe he's not doing so well in the pocketbook area! He should go into road collecting!

Maybe later I'll find the Teela Brothel!

I'm sure I'll finding my old friend inside since the Inn has his really, really stupid name on it! Why didn't he call it the Duncan Tavern? Maybe he'll let me borrow that ship of his that had the grappling hook on the front! I head

SOUTH

into the bar which is packed with funny looking people.

Those Eternian girls sure look fine in their purple dresses.

People are gathered here in their concern about the quakes. They really must be concerned because not one of them asks me for my autograph! The biggest hero on Eternia and they just ignore me! Bunch of jerks. I

EXAMINE THE PEOPLE

to see if anybody I know is here and I notice a familiar face.

That's not actually very familiar at all!

"Boy, it sure is glad to see you and your funny helmet," I quip! "Is that a telephone on your head?" I quippered! "Nice shoulder pads, Man With No Arms!" I quippested! And then I stopped quipping and decided to just

TALK TO MAN AT ARMS

to see what was up. He didn't offer me the keys to his Eagle Ship or whatever it is called. But he did drop a Moleculator! Since I was pretty sure it would come in handy if I needed to add a couple of voles to a batch of moles and then divide by a parcel of gophers, I decided to

TAKE THE MOLECULATOR

and exit the Inn to the

NORTH.

I traveled back down the gold brick road to the

WEST and then to the

SOUTH.

I found myself in a garden where I thought Skeletor was about to attack me!

Why am I completely orange?

But then I remembered it was just the stupid way the pictures were laid out to remind the player that he was playing a game featuring He-Man and the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! And I say HE because this isn't a She-Ra game! (That may or may not be an example of foreshadowing because before the end of this story or walkthrough or whatever it is, I'll have met quite a few of Hordak's Evil Horde Henchman! It's like I'm adventuring in somebody's Fan Fiction! Or one of those hour long movie mash-ups where He-Man and She-Ra get to fight side by side)

The garden is covered in shattered glass from a Pagoda that had apparently been standing here before the Terraquakes! I think I remember it being the Special Pagoda Wherein is Housed the Timelink, if I remember correctly! So I quickly

SEARCH THE GARDEN

and lo and la and behold tra la la, I found the Timelink! I

TAKE THE TIMELINK

because I'm sure I'll figure out what the heck a Timelink is sometime later in the adventure. I also

TAKE THE GLASS

because I can already imagine a bunch of different ways a giant, dangerous shard of glass will come in useful! I dig around a bit with my magic sword but don't uncover any other cool artifacts so I head to the southeast where I find the palace orchards.

Example of an Royal Eternian Midget Orchard.

Lying in the orchards is a rubbish tip which means that Eternia must be somewhere in the English countryside. Don't think I wasn't already clued in by all the extra letter U's in all the words! I believe I know what it is but decide to examine the tip (hee hee!)  just in case I don't really know what it is at all. And I was right because I find more garbage in the garbage! Some fish bones and some rotted paper. I take the bones because of that adventuring rule I stated earlier about taking everything. But I decide to leave the rotted paper alone because of a different Adventuring Rule that I don't remember the number of: if picking something up destroys that thing, leave it alone until you can think of a way to use it or get it later without breaking it! So instead of dealing with the paper, I head northwest and then back

WEST

until I'm back in the courtyard. This adventure feels just like the cartoon except I don't have to deal with that stupid Orko! But it's just about as boring as the cartoon was. Perhaps it has better graphics than the cartoon did. So from the courtyard, I head

SOUTH

and discover another highway fashioned from the purest gold.

I think there's been a Moonquake too!

Isn't pure gold supposed to be soft? I bet this thing is full of wheel ruts! I head

WEST

and discover Castle Grayskull mere yards from the palace! I stand by the moat which flows around Castle Grayskull because everyone remembers the moat around Grayskull, right?! Sure, if you're some dumb adult making a video game about a cartoon he never watched! Grayskull was surrounded by a chasm, stupid heads! Now I've been all de-immersed and junk! Normally to get to Grayskull, I'd probably jump over the chasm but since it's a moat, I decide to

SWIM ACROSS THE MOAT

and that seems to do the trick. I'm at Grayskull!

I'm glad Level 9 didn't do the graphics for this game!

It's pretty impressive! I examine the Jawbridge and remember only friends may enter the Castle by the secret method known only to He-man! Hey! I'm He-man! But I don't remember the secret method! This is like Junior High School all over again and I can't remember the combination to my padlock after phys ed and then I had to wear my wet clothes to French Class! Ooh la la!

The picture shows a little slot in the door just like he toy had so I try sticking my sword in the hole but it doesn't work. I also try pulling things, poking things, pushing things, twisting things, fingering things and opening things but nothing works. In my frustration, I

HIT THE COAT OF ARMS

on the Jawbridge and it opens! I

ENTER THE CASTLE

and win the game! Except I don't. Even though I feel like I should! It seems like it should be a momentous occasion to get inside Grayskull!

It's funny how Grayskull looks so much cleaner than the Royal Palace even though Grayskull doesn't have a hundred servants taking care of it. At least it doesn't have white stuff smeared on all the walls! I head

SOUTH

and find myself in the private chambers of my benefactress the sorceress! I notice the Sorceress hovering in a beam of light.

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor!

She must be relaxing because she doesn't seem to notice me. And how can you not notice me! I'm practically naked and flexing my giant man-pecs in her direction! Maybe if I drop my sword and bend over to pick it up, it'll get her attention! Maybe if I drop my sword, I can get her to pick it up! Oh boy, this game just got sexy! I try to kiss the sorceress but I don't know how to do that. How does the game know?! I mean, whatever! I have so done that to girls! Lots of girls! Especially Teela! I decide chatting her up might be the way to go, so I 

TALK TO THE SORCERESS

and she wakes up! She says, "Welcome my friend, Skeletor is behind this plot to ruin Eternia." Finally! Some answers! Although I did eventually find the documentation for the game and let me tell you something in a bit of a digression.

The manual didn't give any background as to what was going on in the game! But the back cover of the manual did! This is like a flashback sequence that takes place before I found myself in the Throne Room of King Radnor. I'll underline this text because it was on the back of the game and not actually in the game: Skeletor, never resting in his struggle to overwhelm Eternia and become the kingdom's absolute ruler, has developed an Earthquake device which controls through hypnotic rays a horde of Rockbinders, gigantic beasts created from boulders who are capable of gnawing their way through solid rock (Because of their peculiar construction Rockbinders are also capable of reforming after injury in battle). Under his malevolent supervision the monsters are even now tunnelling beneath the foundations of the Shadowlands and approaching the borders of Eternia. You, playing the part of Adam, Prince of All Eternia, must take up the Sword of Power, assume your alter-ego He-Man and challenge Skeletor. So if Comcast hadn't gone out, I would have known I was Prince Adam right from the start and avoided a whole lot of confusion! Okay, the digression is over and the Sorceress has some more stuff to say!

"Restore the timelinks and I will give you a weapon to defeat Skeletor. The weapon of Time will benefit you twice! Your reflection will aid you in your journey to the Shadowlands." The Sorceress vanishes.

Wow! Can you believe all that exciting text and all those exciting things said by the Sorceress and they didn't use one exclamation point! Did the Commodore 64 not have Exclamation Point Capability? Crazy!

The Sorceress left without taking the Timelinks from me so I guess I have to figure out where to stick them. I head back

NORTH and then

EAST

and where I find myself in the Math room. The walls are inscribed with complicated equations. I guess the Eternia hasn't invented the Notepad yet. Lying on the floor here is an Abacus and a Minus Manacle. I'm pretty sure an Abacus is a song by Phil Collins but I don't know what a Minus Manacle is. Anyway, I

TAKE ALL

of the stuff in the room and check out the equations because I'm a smart guy! Don't judge a guy by the size of his buttock muscles, sir! They are complex magical figures, use by the sorceress. I hope I don't have to keep reminding everyone out there that any errors in italicized type are not my errors! Stupid editors! If you couldn't fix it in the game, don't try to fix it in my story! I read the equation because it might be important later. The equation is 12*5%x%]/789. I have no idea what that means but I bet if I had grown up learning stuff in that little school in Little House on the Prairie, I could figure it out on my slate. I leave the room to the

WEST

as the earth tremors more violently. I sure wish that would stop! I now head

SE

and find myself in the Greenwich room.

The room isn't even Green! And there isn't a witch anywhere!

Why would the Sorceress call her room with a big clock in it the Greenwich room? Does Grayskull sometimes appear in London? I examine the clock and notice it looks like any other accept there is something strange about the face. Just like my last girlfriend! Unless that joke makes me look bad. Then read it as just like your last girlfriend! Ha ha! Burn!

So I examine the face even though the dumb game is just making me waste a turn. The hands are missing. Oh yeah! That is strange! Not worth mentioning when I first examine the clock though. So I try attaching the Timelinks to the clock. I also try fixing, sticking, placing, putting, applying, and shoving them on. Nothing works. But having now read the manual, I see in the Example Verbs part this phrase: 'Fit the Minus Manacle to the Mirror'. So the game likes the word fit! So I try

FIT THE TIMELINK TO THE CLOCK

and it works! The clock chimes once with a strangely distant sound. And since I have two Timelinks on me, I once again

FIT THE TIMELINK TO THE CLOCK!

Once again, it does its chiming thing. And then it chimes again for some reason! So, I guess the Sorceress owes me a weapon now! But one hasn't appeared. Perhaps it's inside the clock! I

OPEN THE CLOCK

and find a turquoise inside! I

TAKE THE TURQUOISE

and give it a good examination to determine how much it might be worth. It is a precious turquoise, carved into two faces at the front and back of the stone. So I'll probably need it to defeat Man-E-Faces! That was his name, right? Hey, remember Faker? It was just another He-Man figure painted blue! What a rip-off! Stupid Mattel.

Not finding the promised weapon in the Greenwich Room, I head

SOUTH

and arrive in a small chamber with shrouded walls. A thin veil like white curtain moves slightly in a breeze on the eastern wall. Is this actually a puzzle? I

OPEN THE CURTAIN

to reveal a small alcove. Okay, so what's in the alcove? Do I really have to ask? I

EXAMINE THE ALCOVE

and discover a tall rostrum. I have no idea what a rostrum is but I'm not Google Image Searching for it after the debacle of Google Image Searching Speculum! So I just

EXAMINE THE ROSTRUM

and discover it has clock faces carved into its surface. It also has the Hexagon of Heliatron on top of it! Is that supposed to mean something to me? I guess this is the promised Time Weapon, so I

TAKE THE HEXAGON

and examine it but I see nothing special. Who could have guessed? I head

WEST

so I can loot the rest of Grayskull before continuing on with my adventure. I find myself in the magical travel chamber with a towering Time-gate inside! I think I should go back in time and take my mom to the sock hop, so I try to enter the Time-gate only to discover it is inoperative, closed down by the sorceress to prevent a time/space continium accident, in the event of a major quake. Well, you wouldn't want the continium to have an accident, now would we? I do notice a cord wrapped about it, so I

TAKE THE CORD.

It turns out it's a Wycord used to jam the power of the wyverns. Sounds exciting, I guess. That seems to be all the junk I can steal from the Castle, so I head

NE and then

NW

and I'm back at the entrance to Grayskull. I try a variety of ways to leave the stupid Castle until I figure maybe I can leave the same way I got in and I

ENTER THE JAWBRIDGE

which takes me outside on the other side of the moat! At least I don't have to swim across again even though I'm really super good at swimming! I head

EAST and then

EAST

again to finish exploring Eternia before I head back to the Shadowlands. I find myself on a twisted and distorted road even though it looks exactly like all of those roads of pure gold I've been traveling down. I head

SOUTH

where I see Evil-Lynn! Or is it Evil-Lyn? The game doesn't even know!

Why couldn't they give us a full body shot?

As I approach, Evil-Lyn laughs and casts a locking spell at my feet! Instinctively, I

JUMP

out of the way and find I have avoided her spell! I hack at her with my sword. Evil-Lyn disintegrates and vanishes. Wow! That's so much better than the cartoon! My sword disintegrates all of my foes! Take that, Evil-Lyn! You will never perform your monkey witch dance for Skeletor ever again!

After I clean my blade of all the disgusting disintegrated bits of Evil-Lyn on it, I look around and notice a giant chasm has split the road in two. I can't go any further so I head back toward the palace. I go

NORTH,

WEST,

NORTH and then

NORTH

back into the palace and its wax-smeared walls. I then head

WEST and then

SOUTH

where I find myself back in the room of mirrors! I didn't even need a map to remember all of that! HE-MAN! I

ENTER THE MIRROR

and remember what the manual said. But since I don't know how to feed my head, I

FIT THE MANACLE TO THE MIRROR

instead. The mirror shrinky dinks! I

TAKE THE MIRROR

and head

SOUTH

deeper into the cave. Suddenly the ground opens beneath my feet and I fall. I end up on a crumbling ledge with nothing to do. So I call for help and I

WAIT

for someone to answer but nobody does. I twiddle my thumbs a bit and scratch my butt and

WAIT

again for something to happen. I decide this might be a good time to check my

INVENTORY

just to refresh my memory on all the things I have stuffed into my loincloth. As I do this, it is no longer able to support my weight the ledge crumbles and I fall. Nicely said! I find myself on the ground completely cut-off from that stupid Cuboid and the Crack of Light that I didn't even bother investigating because they're just stupid Red Herrings and wasted so much of my time I'll hate them forever! I decide to

WAIT

one more time while collecting my bearings when suddenly the ground bursts open and a rock monster emerges grinding its large boulder teeth. Oh no! A Mole Monster Man! I

THROW THE MOLECULATOR

at it and it is smashed to smithereens, only his head remains intact and he pleads with you to spare his life. Will I spare him? (Y/N) asks the game. So I try to answer Yes since I learned the good English but the game doesn't understand that. So instead, I say

Y

and the Rockbinder's head says, "Thank-you, He-man, I can help you. 'The moon shines, the pyramid preserves, the diamond is pure.'" Okay, thanks you big stupid head! I hope I can remember that. I head

EAST

and continue not to post any pictures of my surroundings because they're all so boring. I didn't get a picture of Rockbinder either even though I know he's got one. It's just I killed him without examining him because if I examined him it would have given him time to kill me. And I didn't save the game so I could restart after getting the picture so you're just going to have to imagine what he looked like.

I find myself in a low fissure so I keep going

EAST

until I can find myself not in any fissure at all.

The game calls this an army of large scorpians.

What I should have hoped for was to find myself not in a giant heap mess of Scorpions! Being the brave hero, I

ATTACK THE SCORPIONS

and the leaders fall beneath my blade, but more soon take their place. Oh no! Is it futile? Am I doomed? Maybe not! I think quickly and

ATTACK THE SCORPIONS

again. This time, I fight on until the army lies defeated at my feet. Ha, take that! This game didn't realize my lack of imagination would defeat one of its deadliest puzzles! After the scorpians are defeated, I continue

EAST

through this stupid fissure to find myself upon the summit of a mighty crag.

Wow. Exciting. I enjoy the view for all of three seconds and continue

EAST.

I find myself on the edge of broad infertile plains. I notice a circle of ancient stone heads.

Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Penis. Lamprey.

I'm also suddenly much further away from the sun. Or the moon. Or whatever is in the sky. I pretend not to be extremely interested in the stone heads and march

NORTH

into trouble! I find myself on a broken pathway where the Shadow Weaver's is ensnaring you. I'm not totally sure what's going on in that description but then I read the other description where it says before me stands a shadow weaver preparing to drag me away. Again, the room descriptions seem to be of a separate mind than the responses to my commands. Whoever stated that it was a shadow weaver obviously thought there was some race of shadow weaver monsters living in the Shadowlands that were out to eat my soul. But the person who designed the responses at least capitalized Shadow Weaver understanding that it was a single nemesis (although She-Ra's nemesis and not really mine!) even if that same person couldn't put a coherent sentence together so that I understood what was going on. In my confusion, I

DROP MY SWORD

and am immediately transformed back to Adam, Prince of Eternia. The Shadow Weaver cannot home in on a mortal form. It wavers for a moment then dissapears to retrun to its haunted home. I'm pretty sure it's haunted home is Etheria! Go back to your own cartoon, witch! Having bravely defeated the witch and glad that I didn't have to fight Castaspella because the name is worse than most of my enemies' names, I

TAKE MY SWORD

and head

SE and then

NE.

I stumble upon piles of flints stacked neatly on the ground. Skeletor probably has a henchman named Flintstacker who was the cause of this. I

SEARCH THE FLINT

and discover a broken Runestone! That should come in handy since I know how to read runes! I

TAKE THE RUNESTONE

and try to read it but apparently I need the other half. It must be broken in such a way that it is impossible to decipher even the stuff I'm looking at without the other piece. Perhaps it was split down the middle of the letters so it looks like one of those puzzles out of Omsi Magazine if anyone on Eternia remembers that magazine at all. I take some flint too because I remember Rule #1! I head

SE

and notice Beastman ready to attack! He is leering at me and ready to do battle.

Silly orange git, Sturgis isn't on Eternia!

"Take your best shot, Beastman!" I yell, being the hero and allowing the evil jerk to go first. But he doesn't go first. He just continues to stand ready. He seems mostly intent on not letting me go east. But I'll show him, I think as I try to pull out my sword. As I fumble with the Power Sword, I accidentally

DROP THE HEX

and Beastman is suspended in time. "Take that, Beastjerk!" I quip as I sneak by him to the

EAST.

I find myself on the muddy banks of the Blood River. I wonder why it's called Blood River? Is that really blood flowing through it? Is it from all of Skeletor's victims? What happened to Skeletor's face? When you were a kid, did you think Skeletor and Cobra Commander were the same person? I always figured Cobra Commander had just a skull under his veil or his silver face plate. As I ponder these great philosophical questions, I

EXAMINE THE MUD

and discover a Silver Claw. I wonder if this fell off that bird figure that I can't remember the name of. I think Teela had one as a friend and Evil-Lyn had one that was her friend too! I

TAKE THE CLAW

and head back

WEST

where I mock Beastman for a little bit before traveling

NORTH

into more boring Shadowland territory. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't fill these games with so many useless places just to make the game seem bigger. I head

NORTH

again into another non-descript, boring Shadowland area. I head

EAST

from here to find myself on the banks of the Blood River once again. Ruby red reeds grow sparsly along the river's bank. Sersly. I

TAKE SOME REEDS,

noticing how fiberous they are. Truly remarkable! Thinking that I might need a net to catch Skeletor, I

MAKE A NET FROM THE REEDS

and instead create a strong rope. Well, that should come in handy! I head back

WEST and then

WEST

again. I find some more roughly sculpted stone heads dotting the landscape and realize they must mean something!

Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Penis. Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Lamprey.

Ancient artifacts probably always mean something and I totally ignored the first batch! I don't make that mistake this time and

EXAMINE THE HEADS

for clues to what ancient race may have created them. Instead I just find that they're covered in moss with another Speculum engraved on them! I try to

GET THE MOSS

and end up rousing the sleeping mossman.

"Well, hello there, Mossman!" I say heroically.

"He-man, now I know the land can be saved from Skeletors evil hand," he says mossily.

What a stupid Master of the Universe! But having read the Documentation that says 'Enlist Orko', I know that I can get people to help me so I

ENLIST MOSSMAN

into my good scheme to save the world!

"I will do all that is in my power to help you," mosses Mossman. I can't imagine what this mess can do to help me save the world! Grow on a tree? Fall asleep? Eat a swamp? Lame! Taking him with me, I head

SOUTH and then

WEST and then

NORTH

where Mossman and I find outselves at the edge of a swamp. Immediately, Moss-man stoops to the edge of the swamp and begins to drink. Moss-man remains to digest this foul brew. What a weirdo!

I also just noticed how, once again, the room description calls him Mossman without a hyphen and the response to my input text calls him Moss-Man. What is going on?! Since the swamp is now a non-swamp, I

ENTER THE SWAMP

and end up standing on the edge of a large lake. I also notice Mer-man crawling from the water and about to attack!

Eeeek!

How much do you want to bet the response text will call him Merman? Thinking quickly, I

REMOVE THE BEAD

from the abacus because maybe Mer-man will think it is a pearl or his wife's egg or something! I

DROP THE BEAD

in front of him and the large bead multiplies. Mer-man (I was wrong! But we didn't shake on the bet!) runs to attack, treads on the beads and falls backwards into the lake. Ha! That'll take care of that jerk!

That reminds me of a story! When I was a young kid, I went camping at Lodi with my grandparents and cousins. My cousin and I were playing by the lake with our Masters of the Universe figures and eventually realized that Mer-man was floating way out in the lake where we couldn't reach him! We threw sticks and stones and stuff but we never got him back! Just like in this game! Also, I threw Skeletor in the fire pit and his fingers melted on some hot coals. So my Skeletor always had a gimp hand.

Now that Mer-man was taken care of and my story is over, I head

NORTH and then

EAST

climbing along the side of the Mystic Mountains. I hear the sound of blood chilling screeches, so I'm either near the Wyvern's home or Teela's Sex Palace. I head

SOUTH

and find myself on the side of Wyvern Mountain! Darn! I was hoping for the other thing! I climb

UP and

UP

the mountain until I arrive at the summit. I'm now near the twin pinnacles of Wyvern mountain. In the fierce sunlight I see a large Wyvern sitting on a nest protecting it's evil brood. A Wyvern with its evil children! I

KILL THE WYVERN

easily with my sword and it falls from the pinnacle. The young follow their parent over the edge.

....

Oh my God! That's so sad! Just because the game called them evil it doesn't mean that isn't sad! Poor little baby wyverns! How am I supposed to finish this game with tears in my eyes? While I'm weeping, I remember my stupid Wycord and

THROW THE WYCORD AT THE PINNACLES.

The wycord attaches itself to the pinnacles and I guess that accomplishes something. I head back

DOWN and

DOWN

the mountain into a narrow gully beneath the summit of Wyvern Mountain. A large likeness of a resting lizard has been hewn from a large fallen boulder. Or is it really a Wyvern that has been turned to stone through foul magic! Was one of Skeletor's henchmen called Medusor? I

EXAMINE THE LIZARD

and discover the other half of the Runestone! I

TAKE THE RUNESTONE and

FIT THE RUNESTONE TO THE RUNESTONE

successfully! Now I can probably read it! I

READ THE RUNESTONE

and it says, Light fire on high place to summon Orko. Why? Why would I want to summon that bumbling no-faced, no-legged failure of a magick-user? What a stupid idea! But, knowing that I'll probably need his negligible help, I head back

UP and

UP

the mountain. I do as the Runestone says and

LIGHT A FIRE.

I expect I'll use the flint but instead I pull out the shard of glass. The shard of glass filters the sunlight and the next bursts into flame. As the next burns Orko appears. Now why would burning a smelly Wyvern's nest summon Orko? Isn't he usually just hanging around me being annoying?

I'm a wanker!

Orko asks, "What do you want of me Master?"

"Well, first I'd like you to not be such a stupid character. I hate Filmation! Next, could you put some pants on?"

"DER! DUH?!" shouts Orko while zany musick accompanies his crazy antics. Sighing, I

ENLIST ORKO

and he says, "O.k. Master I will follow you."

Great! "You better pull your weight, you clown!" I grumpily trudge

DOWN

the mountain wondering why I couldn't enlist Teela's help. As we're walking along, I suddenly realize I've left my Time Weapon holding Beastman in stasis! I hurry back

NORTH then

WEST then

WEST then

SOUTH then

SE then 

SOUTH then

EAST and finally

SE

where, thankfully, my Hexagon of Heliatron is still lying on the ground with Beastman suspended in time! I

GET THE HEXAGON

and while Beastman is momenterily dazed, I hurry

NORTH

to escape his wrath! I continue to travel

NORTH and then

NE, 

deeper into the Shadowlands than I've ever been before! Here I notice long burial mounds running parallel with my path. And since looting Grayskull got me this far, I figure I'll loot the Shadowlander's burial mounds too! I

EXAMINE THE MOUNDS

and discover a Golden Clock Cog. It probably isn't really very useful but it has to be worth a small fortune since it's gold, so I

TAKE THE COG,

just in case. I continue

NORTH

and find myself face to face to face with Two-Bad!

Nice wives-beater, sir!

Perhaps that is the dumbest Masters of the Universe character name! Remembering my Turquoise in my pocket that is both the same color as him and had two faces carved on it, I

GIVE THE TURQUOISE TO TWO-BAD.

The two heads of Two-Bad argue about the gem, allowing me to pass. How come when a creature has two heads, you can always guarantee that they'll end up arguing amongst themselves? I wonder if Eng and Chang were always tricked into arguing with themselves so people could get one over on them?

See Two-Bad? That's how you dress for success!

Before they can realize how dumb they're being since they only have one body so, technically, they both own the stupid gem, I hurry

NORTH.

I must be getting close to Skeletor because this Story is getting pretty long and there hasn't been a whole lot of chase scenes and love making! If I don't nail Teela or get in a spaceship soon, the audience is going to fall asleep! I hurry

UP

the mountain thinking about doing stuff to Teela that I don't even know the names of when I finally see Snake Mountain just visible to the west.

Snake Mountain looks more like Turd Mountain!

Oh boy! I rush dramatically

WEST

with my sword upraised and screaming, "FOR ETERNIA!" As I near the steps leading up to Skeletor's hideout, a large energy boulders start crashing down the steps! Unless it doesn't!

What in the world is an energy boulder, I wonder as I

JUMP out of the way but only if it's actually there.

As I'm jumping or not jumping, Orko is casting spells! He points to a tunnel to the south which wasn't there a second ago. So I guess Orko helped out a little bit. Unless that giant energy boulder crashed through the cliff and made the hole in the wall. Either way, I

ENTER THE TUNNEL

and find myself in a huge rock hewn vault. I notice a laser cage full of Shadowlanders weeping and begging for release. I try to bend the bars on the cage but they're made of lasers or something and burn my hands. I shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, I tried everything I could!" and rush

WEST

so I don't have to hear them whine anymore. I end up in a tunnel beneath the foundations of Snake Mountain. It's also a dead end. But not really a dead end! It's actually one of those puzzles these stupid games put in to really extend the life of the game and make the game nearly impossible to solve by anybody but the nerdiest nerd who tries every single thing and remembers Rule #3 in the Adventurer's Guide to Successful Adventuring. A non-descript room with nothing to examine does not mean there is nothing to examine! Remember, rooms are made of walls, ceilings and floors! Just Examining the Room is sometimes not enough for these dastardly programmers and their stupid tricks! In this case, I

EXAMINE THE WALL

and notice one wall has long scratches on it's surface, and appears to be made of large blocks. Of course it does! Why should I trust a room description in a graphical text adventure?

I think I'm going to need that Speculum!

Of course, how can I trust anything when even the graphics don't help! So, keep on your toes, girls and boys, and remember to read up on The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Adventuring! I examine the blocks and they seem loose so I

PULL THE BLOCKS

and the wall slides easily to one side, revealing a passage. I sure hope Skeletor is on the other side of this passage because even I've lost interest in this story! I

ENTER THE PASSAGE

without the help of a speculum and find myself in a smooth sided tunnel that bears all the signs of having been dug by the captive mole people of Arundial.

It looks to me like the tunnel was made by the Goatse People of Vomitaria.

I don't now who the Mole People are or where Arundial is so either my childhood interest in the Masters of the Universe waned before they released the Mole People figures or the Mole People are more of She-Ra's thing or the programmers decided they would add to the great and glorious history of Eternia with their own little bit of speculative fiction. I continue

WEST and then

WEST again

because I suddenly can't go back. That either means I'm almost through or I've messed up somewhere!

I end up in a passage with a shaft cut into the ceiling and a small pyramid of diamond shaped rocks. I take a rock because that's what a good adventurer does and then I examine the shaft. It's too high to climb so I probably need to use my net. I mean my rope! But how to get it tied up there? I scratch my head with my silver claw and suddenly have a great idea! I

TIE THE ROPE TO THE CLAW

and make a grappling hook! I twirl the hook around and around and

THROW THE HOOK

high up the shaft. The claw sticks into a small crevice half way up the shaft. This is too easy! I

CLIMB THE ROPE

only to discover the rope only gets me halfway up the shaft. There is a light above and I examine the wall to note there covered with deadly iron spikes. Well, you might as well have installed an elevator here where the sun doesn't shine, Mr. Skeletor! I

CLIMB THE SPIKES

and clamber into the outer chambers of Snake Mountain. I notice great glass globes of evil energy floating around the room. Orko casts a spell. Whoops it backfires and Orko vanishes. Finally! I knew he'd do something totally stupid and worthless! It's at this point in my adventure that I wished The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Adventuring had more rules in it because I'm finally and completely stuck! Could Rule #99 be 'Google the Walkthrough'? But then how can my Walkthrough be my true Walktrhough if I just used one that already existed on the Internet?

Realizing I only have a few things at my disposal and knowing that I can't touch the globes or I die, I guess that the mirror needs to be used somehow. I try various means to reflect the globes in the mirror and can't manage until I suddenly

DIRECT THE MIRROR AT THE GLOBES!

The mirror absorbs the energy within the globes. They vanish! And that exclamation point was really part of the game! It's excited that I figured it out! After the globes are gone, I see an open door. I

ENTER THE DOOR

and end up in an evil smelling corridor. What does evil smell like? Probably like a Sear's ladies' restroom full of old ladies, um, resting!

 
I'm almost there! I can smell it!

The corridor looks like one of those corridors that is going to lead me right to my nemesis and end the game! I head

EAST

and as I enter, Skeletor touches the console and runs behind doors to the east. Computers! I wonder if Skeletor was playing a computer game too! I try to follow him but the doors he went through are electronically locked! I

EXAMINE THE CONSOLES

and they contain four presspads. I

EXAMINE THE PADS,

revealing each one bears a different shape: a diamond, a triangle, a circle and a square! I try punching the pads like a stupid monkey but I need to press the pads in the correct order. That's what I'm trying to do, stupid! Realizing I need to punch the pads in the order that the Rockbinder hinted at but not knowing how the dumb game wants the input takes about 2 or 3 minutes to figure out before I finally outsmart Skeletor and

PRESS CIRCLE TRIANGLE DIAMOND SQUARE!

The doors to the east fly open.

"I have you now, Skeletor!" I scream in my macho voice and

ENTER THE DOOR

that Skeletor ran through. I don't find him in the next room so I keep running

EAST

while screaming at the top of my lungs! I still don't find him but I'm in Skeletor's anti-chamber which means I'm, um, in his not chamber? I'm not in his chamber? Wait, what does that mean? He's trying to confuse me with spelling errors! I head

EAST

and find myself in the high domed hall of Skeletor's Inner Sanctum. I have cornered my arch-enemy in his lair!

Skeletor speaks, "At last I have you in my power," he finishes saying even though I had to close his dumb quotation and then he points his rams head staff at me and releases a power bolt. I

DROP THE HEXAGON

and time freezes for Skeletor. The power bolt freezes inches from my face.

"Ha ha! You did not expect that trick, did you Skeletor?! Even though it is the oldest trick in the book!" I notice Skeletor's hand on a lever marked "earth quaker!" I bet that's the device making Eternia shake! I wonder if I should push or pull the lever? I

PUSH THE LEVER

and realize I've dis-armed the machinery that has been destroying the land and imprisoned Skeletor.

Well done.

Yes, that's the end. Go away now.

grunionguy

(at)

(dot)

com