HE-MAN and the Masters of the Universe in
(also possibly called Terraquake!)
my brand new adventure in King Radnor's throneroom. He's this albino King who
seems really concerned about something. He's probably worried that He-man and
Skeletor are going to start battling each other right there on his new Royal
Carpet. Unless they're not really there. Maybe that's some sort of metaphor or
How much you wanna bet this is the most we see from Skeletor?
I try a number of actions
I thought were smart at the time but realize that they won't help me at the
moment, and there is no guarantee that they ever will. Also, the earth
tremors more violently. Uh-oh! I didn't even know it was tremoring less
violently when the game started! I better think of something to do quick.
But I have no idea who I
am or what I'm doing here! No wonder fully half of these adventure games use the
premise that you have amnesia! It's easier than giving any back story.
It's possible I may be
Prince Adam except that Prince Adam's father was King Randor and not King
Radnor! So maybe I'm Prince Aadm! That makes sense since when I TALK TO RADNOR,
he says, "Go my son search out He-man."
Anyway, since nothing I do will
ever help or have any guarantee of helping, I head
and find myself in a
crystal corridor. Also, He-man and Skeletor are still here! Oh, I get it.
They're just frames or bookends so I don't lose interest in the game when I
can't find any other Mattel Trademarks.
Where is Bentley Bear?
Does this mean the King
lives in a Crystal Castle? I decide to head south even though I really want
to go north but can't.
He-man and Skeletor were still there but I decided to start
cropping them out.
I find myself in a chamber
of mirrors. One of the mirrors is larger than the others although the
picture shows that three of them are larger than the others and two of the three
are larger than the other one. But one of those has a sign over it, so I read
the sign only to discover it is the
sign of the speculum! Um. Oh my. Does that mean the mirror represents the
womb? I try to enter the mirror and, just like a womb, it forbids
mortal entry! It must be an exit only mirror. I try to take the mirror only
to discover only He-Man could lift this. So that means I'm not He-Man!
Perhaps I'm Teela or Man-at-Arms. Maybe if I look in the mirror, I can find out
who I am! I hope I'm not Orko!
Looking in the mirror
reveals that the mirror is life-size. So I must be Battle Cat since I
don't seem to notice my reflection and only notice the mirror itself. At a loss
and realizing that my walkthrough is off to a really bad start with all these
directions that don't actually get you anywhere, I head back to the north and then head southwest, I
because the game is dumb.
Afterwards, I find myself in my chambers! Maybe now I'll find out who I am!
I think the bed is hanging from the ceiling by those ropes.
There is a bed here that
looks like a human would sleep in it but a giant green cat could also get pretty
comfortable in that bed. I examine the bed and note that since it's
my room, I know that the bed posts hide my secret. It's amazing I know that
since I don't even know who I am! Oh! I bet I'm Prince Adam and I bet the manual
told me that! I would look up the manual right now and see if I'm right but my
internet is out and I'm waiting on the stupid Comcast lady to come fix my modem.
That sounded dirty! Maybe I should turn on some porn music so she understands
what really needs fixing! Except that might backfire because maybe the Comcast
person will be a fat guy and the person who called about the appointment was
only his fat secretary. Oh yeah, the bed posts! I
SEARCH THE POSTS
and a panel slides open
on the southern wall. Whoever I am, I just found my nudie magazines! I enter
the panel to the
and find myself inside
He-Man's inner sanctum. Gross!
There is a non-glowing recess that I'll probably ignore.
That recess along the back
wall is glowing so I should probably check that out! I
EXAMINE THE RECESS
and I find something of
worth! It is the Sword of Power! OMG! I am He-Man! Or I soon will be! I
TAKE THE SWORD
and there is a mighty
flash as I cry out, "By the power of Grayskull."
A moment later I am the
mighty He-man! Odd that 'man' wasn't capitalized in that instance of my name
unlike all the other times before. I wonder if it means something! I head
and since I'm done
exploring my bedroom, I head
to go see if He-Man can
enter the womb! I mean, the mirror! So I brace myself for the embarrassment of
shattering a mirror by walking right into it and instead of getting all cut up,
ENTER THE MIRROR!
I pass through a
whirling rainbow of colours and find myself in a small underground vault
deep within the heart of the shadowlands. I see another Speculum Sign on the
wall which grosses me out a little bit. I can go several directions, so I choose
because I have a heroic
sense about these kinds of things. I end up in another boring, rocky chamber.
You can tell it must be really boring because I didn't use italics on any of the
words and I didn't even post a picture of the stupid cavern. From here, I head
when I suddenly feel a
viscious swipe in the air as Mantanna the bane of Eternia attacks me!
Does Mantenna defecate from his face?
Oh no! It's Mantanna! I
mean, Mantenna! It's hard to keep his name straight when he's not really one of
my normal enemies. I'm pretty sure he's one of She-Ra's wimpier foes, so I
ATTACK MANTENNA WITH MY
My sword of power cuts
the terrorised Mantanna and he vapourises. The poor guy! I wonder who was
terrorising him? I'm also surprised that I killed him since my foes usually end
up running from me so they can attack me again in the next cartoon. I guess
there won't be a sequel to this game! At least not for Mantuna! After I clean my
blade of Mantina juice, I
SEARCH THE STALAGTITES
and I find something of
worth! It's a Timelink! That sounds really exciting! But when I examine it,
I don't get any details. So I better just
TAKE THE TIMELINK
and continue exploring. I
head south and notice a large cuboid blocking an exit to the south. Since
I don't believe in low friction Cuboids, I head back north, never to return. I
again and then
and I'm back to the
backside of the mirror. I should probably find out who lost their Timelink and
return it to them! So I
ENTER THE MIRROR
and am back in the real
world. Or the more real world. Or the world with my bed in it, anyway. I head
NORTH and then
out of the Crystal
Corridor and into the Crystal Passageway.
I'm exploring the Great Salt Castle!
Here, I notice melted
wax on the walls. A door is open to the south and I can't continue east so
it's the stupidest passageway I've ever encountered. And I've played Aztec Tomb
Adventure where I climbed a Beanstork! I examine the wax and realize it is
white! Boy, I sure hope that's wax. And even though I couldn't remember who
I was earlier, I still remember Rule #1 in the Adventurer's Guide to Successful
Adventuring: TAKE EVERYTHING. So I take the wax and stuff it in my pocket
(or the front of my loincloth. Who knows?!). I exit the castle to the
and find myself in a
Guards are apparently here dealing with horses. But why draw them
in when drawing is hard?
The stable has collapsed!
I hope I don't stable Cringer, I mean, Battle Cat in a stupid stable with stupid
horses who couldn't transform into anything useful even if they had the power of
Grayskull at their disposal. From the courtyard, I can travel in a number of
different directions. And since a Walkthrough is supposed to be a through walk
and not a Walkwander, I should probably explore a little bit without describing
everything I do! I'll be right back with the solution and then, through the
illusion of Writing and Reading, I'll put everything I did in the proper order
and you'll never even know I didn't win the game on my first try! You won't even
know I've been away getting lunch because you'll just start reading the next
paragraph immediately after you finish reading this one!
So after quickly sizing up
the situation (the situation was the Comcast man was a man!) and wiping the mayonnaise from my
chin (it really is mayonnaise! I had lunch, remember!), I confidently head
along a road paved of
Eternia must be in Oz.
Gold must not be very
valuable on Eternia or else this road would be full of potholes! As He-Man, I
could probably dig up this whole road and then hide it in my secret panel back
at the castle. Then when I transformed back into Prince Adam, nobody could
accuse me, a mere weakling with lots of muscles, of digging up an entire road!
It would be the perfect crime! I wonder why Skeletor doesn't get his henchmen to
steal this road? Probably because my first thought about Gold not being very
valuable was correct. So I ignore the billion dollar paving stones and head
to discover the Man at
Arms Inn! Which seems weird since I thought Man-at-Arms worked for my dad. Maybe
he's not doing so well in the pocketbook area! He should go into road
Maybe later I'll find the Teela Brothel!
I'm sure I'll finding my
old friend inside since the Inn has his really, really stupid name on it! Why
didn't he call it the Duncan Tavern? Maybe he'll let me borrow that ship of his that had the grappling hook on
the front! I head
into the bar which is
packed with funny looking people.
Those Eternian girls sure look fine in their purple dresses.
People are gathered
here in their concern about the quakes. They really must be concerned
because not one of them asks me for my autograph! The biggest hero on Eternia
and they just ignore me! Bunch of jerks. I
EXAMINE THE PEOPLE
to see if anybody I know
is here and I notice a familiar face.
That's not actually very familiar at all!
"Boy, it sure is glad
to see you and your funny helmet," I quip! "Is that a telephone on
your head?" I quippered! "Nice shoulder pads, Man With No Arms!"
I quippested! And then I stopped quipping and decided to just
TALK TO MAN AT ARMS
to see what was up. He
didn't offer me the keys to his Eagle Ship or whatever it is called. But he did
drop a Moleculator! Since I was pretty sure it would come in handy if I needed
to add a couple of voles to a batch of moles and then divide by a parcel of
gophers, I decided to
TAKE THE MOLECULATOR
and exit the Inn to the
I traveled back down the
gold brick road to the
WEST and then to
I found myself in a garden
where I thought Skeletor was about to attack me!
Why am I completely orange?
But then I remembered it
was just the stupid way the pictures were laid out to remind the player that he
was playing a game featuring He-Man and the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! And I say
HE because this isn't a She-Ra game! (That may or may not be an example of
foreshadowing because before the end of this story or walkthrough or whatever it
is, I'll have met quite a few of Hordak's Evil Horde Henchman! It's like I'm
adventuring in somebody's Fan Fiction! Or one of those hour long movie mash-ups
where He-Man and She-Ra get to fight side by side)
The garden is covered in
shattered glass from a Pagoda that had apparently been standing here before the
Terraquakes! I think I remember it being the Special Pagoda Wherein is Housed
the Timelink, if I remember correctly! So I quickly
SEARCH THE GARDEN
and lo and la and behold
tra la la, I found the Timelink! I
TAKE THE TIMELINK
because I'm sure I'll
figure out what the heck a Timelink is sometime later in the adventure. I also
TAKE THE GLASS
because I can already
imagine a bunch of different ways a giant, dangerous shard of glass will come in
useful! I dig around a bit with my magic sword but don't uncover any other cool
artifacts so I head to the southeast where I find the palace
Example of an Royal Eternian Midget Orchard.
Lying in the orchards is a
rubbish tip which means that Eternia must be somewhere in the English
countryside. Don't think I wasn't already clued in by all the extra letter U's
in all the words! I believe I know what it is but decide to examine the tip (hee
hee!) just in case I don't
really know what it is at all. And I was right because I find more garbage in
the garbage! Some fish bones and some rotted paper. I take the bones because of that
adventuring rule I stated earlier about taking everything. But I decide to leave
the rotted paper alone because of a different Adventuring Rule that I don't
remember the number of: if picking something up destroys that thing, leave it
alone until you can think of a way to use it or get it later without breaking
it! So instead of dealing with the paper, I head northwest and then back
until I'm back in the
courtyard. This adventure feels just like the cartoon except I don't have to
deal with that stupid Orko! But it's just about as boring as the cartoon was.
Perhaps it has better graphics than the cartoon did. So from the courtyard, I
and discover another highway
fashioned from the purest gold.
I think there's been a Moonquake too!
Isn't pure gold supposed
to be soft? I bet this thing is full of wheel ruts! I head
and discover Castle
Grayskull mere yards from the palace! I stand by the moat which flows around
Castle Grayskull because everyone remembers the moat around Grayskull,
right?! Sure, if you're some dumb adult making a video game about a cartoon he
never watched! Grayskull was surrounded by a chasm, stupid heads! Now I've been
all de-immersed and junk! Normally to get to Grayskull, I'd probably jump over
the chasm but since it's a moat, I decide to
SWIM ACROSS THE MOAT
and that seems to do the
trick. I'm at Grayskull!
I'm glad Level 9 didn't do the graphics for this game!
It's pretty impressive! I
examine the Jawbridge and remember only friends may enter the Castle by the
secret method known only to He-man! Hey! I'm He-man! But I don't remember
the secret method! This is like Junior High School all over again and I can't
remember the combination to my padlock after phys ed and then I had to wear my
wet clothes to French Class! Ooh la la!
The picture shows a little
slot in the door just like he toy had so I try sticking my sword in the hole but
it doesn't work. I also try pulling things, poking things, pushing things,
twisting things, fingering things and opening things but nothing works. In my
HIT THE COAT OF ARMS
on the Jawbridge and it
ENTER THE CASTLE
and win the game! Except I
don't. Even though I feel like I should! It seems like it should be a momentous
occasion to get inside Grayskull!
It's funny how Grayskull
looks so much cleaner than the Royal Palace even though Grayskull doesn't have a
hundred servants taking care of it. At least it doesn't have white stuff smeared
on all the walls! I head
and find myself in the
private chambers of my benefactress the sorceress! I notice the Sorceress
hovering in a beam of light.
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor!
She must be relaxing
because she doesn't seem to notice me. And how can you not notice me! I'm
practically naked and flexing my giant man-pecs in her direction! Maybe if I
drop my sword and bend over to pick it up, it'll get her attention! Maybe if I
drop my sword, I can get her to pick it up! Oh boy, this game just got sexy! I
try to kiss the sorceress but I don't know how to do that. How does the
game know?! I mean, whatever! I have so done that to girls! Lots of girls!
Especially Teela! I decide chatting her up might be the way to go, so I
TALK TO THE SORCERESS
and she wakes up! She
says, "Welcome my friend, Skeletor is behind this plot to ruin Eternia."
Finally! Some answers! Although I did eventually find the documentation for the
game and let me tell you something in a bit of a digression.
The manual didn't give any
background as to what was going on in the game! But the back cover of the manual
did! This is like a flashback sequence that takes place before I found myself in
the Throne Room of King Radnor. I'll underline this text because it was on the
back of the game and not actually in the game: Skeletor, never resting in his
struggle to overwhelm Eternia and become the kingdom's absolute ruler, has
developed an Earthquake device which controls through hypnotic rays a horde of
Rockbinders, gigantic beasts created from boulders who are capable of gnawing
their way through solid rock (Because of their peculiar construction Rockbinders
are also capable of reforming after injury in battle). Under his malevolent
supervision the monsters are even now tunnelling beneath the foundations of the
Shadowlands and approaching the borders of Eternia. You, playing the part of
Adam, Prince of All Eternia, must take up the Sword of Power, assume your
alter-ego He-Man and challenge Skeletor. So if Comcast hadn't gone out, I
would have known I was Prince Adam right from the start and avoided a whole lot
of confusion! Okay, the digression is over and the Sorceress has some more stuff
timelinks and I will give you a weapon to defeat Skeletor. The weapon of Time
will benefit you twice! Your reflection will aid you in your journey to the
Shadowlands." The Sorceress vanishes.
Wow! Can you believe all
that exciting text and all those exciting things said by the Sorceress and they
didn't use one exclamation point! Did the Commodore 64 not have Exclamation
Point Capability? Crazy!
The Sorceress left without
taking the Timelinks from me so I guess I have to figure out where to stick
them. I head back
NORTH and then
and where I find myself in
the Math room. The walls are inscribed with complicated equations. I
guess the Eternia hasn't invented the Notepad yet. Lying on the floor here is an
Abacus and a Minus Manacle. I'm pretty sure an Abacus is a song by Phil Collins
but I don't know what a Minus Manacle is. Anyway, I
of the stuff in the room
and check out the equations because I'm a smart guy! Don't judge a guy by the
size of his buttock muscles, sir! They are complex magical figures, use by
the sorceress. I hope I don't have to keep reminding everyone out there that
any errors in italicized type are not my errors! Stupid editors! If you couldn't
fix it in the game, don't try to fix it in my story! I read the equation because
it might be important later. The equation is 12*5%x%]/789. I have no idea
what that means but I bet if I had grown up learning stuff in that little school
in Little House on the Prairie, I could figure it out on my slate. I leave the
room to the
as the earth tremors
more violently. I sure wish that would stop! I now head
and find myself in the Greenwich
The room isn't even Green! And there isn't a witch anywhere!
Why would the Sorceress
call her room with a big clock in it the Greenwich room? Does Grayskull
sometimes appear in London? I examine the clock and notice it looks like any
other accept there is something strange about the face. Just like my last
girlfriend! Unless that joke makes me look bad. Then read it as just like your
last girlfriend! Ha ha! Burn!
So I examine the face even
though the dumb game is just making me waste a turn. The hands are missing.
Oh yeah! That is strange! Not worth mentioning when I first examine the clock
though. So I try attaching the Timelinks to the clock. I also try fixing,
sticking, placing, putting, applying, and shoving them on. Nothing works. But
having now read the manual, I see in the Example Verbs part this phrase: 'Fit
the Minus Manacle to the Mirror'. So the game likes the word fit! So I try
FIT THE TIMELINK TO THE
and it works! The clock
chimes once with a strangely distant sound. And since I have two Timelinks
on me, I once again
FIT THE TIMELINK TO THE
Once again, it does its
chiming thing. And then it chimes again for some reason! So, I guess the
Sorceress owes me a weapon now! But one hasn't appeared. Perhaps it's inside the
OPEN THE CLOCK
and find a turquoise
TAKE THE TURQUOISE
and give it a good
examination to determine how much it might be worth. It is a precious
turquoise, carved into two faces at the front and back of the stone. So I'll
probably need it to defeat Man-E-Faces! That was his name, right? Hey, remember
Faker? It was just another He-Man figure painted blue! What a rip-off! Stupid
Not finding the promised
weapon in the Greenwich Room, I head
and arrive in a small
chamber with shrouded walls. A thin veil like white curtain moves slightly in a
breeze on the eastern wall. Is this actually a puzzle? I
OPEN THE CURTAIN
to reveal a small
alcove. Okay, so what's in the alcove? Do I really have to ask? I
EXAMINE THE ALCOVE
and discover a tall
rostrum. I have no idea what a rostrum is but I'm not Google Image Searching for
it after the debacle of Google Image Searching Speculum! So I just
EXAMINE THE ROSTRUM
and discover it has
clock faces carved into its surface. It also has the Hexagon of Heliatron on
top of it! Is that supposed to mean something to me? I guess this is the
promised Time Weapon, so I
TAKE THE HEXAGON
and examine it but I see
nothing special. Who could have guessed? I head
so I can loot the rest of
Grayskull before continuing on with my adventure. I find myself in the
magical travel chamber with a towering Time-gate inside! I think I should go
back in time and take my mom to the sock hop, so I try to enter the Time-gate
only to discover it is inoperative, closed down by the sorceress to prevent a
time/space continium accident, in the event of a major quake. Well, you
wouldn't want the continium to have an accident, now would we? I do notice a
cord wrapped about it, so I
TAKE THE CORD.
It turns out it's a Wycord
used to jam the power of the wyverns. Sounds exciting, I guess. That
seems to be all the junk I can steal from the Castle, so I head
NE and then
and I'm back at the
entrance to Grayskull. I try a variety of ways to leave the stupid Castle until
I figure maybe I can leave the same way I got in and I
ENTER THE JAWBRIDGE
which takes me outside on
the other side of the moat! At least I don't have to swim across again even
though I'm really super good at swimming! I head
EAST and then
again to finish exploring
Eternia before I head back to the Shadowlands. I find myself on a twisted and
distorted road even though it looks exactly like all of those roads of pure
gold I've been traveling down. I head
where I see Evil-Lynn! Or
is it Evil-Lyn? The game doesn't even know!
Why couldn't they give us a full body shot?
As I approach, Evil-Lyn
laughs and casts a locking spell at my feet! Instinctively, I
out of the way and find I have
avoided her spell! I hack at her with my sword. Evil-Lyn disintegrates
and vanishes. Wow! That's so much better than the cartoon! My sword
disintegrates all of my foes! Take that, Evil-Lyn! You will never perform your
monkey witch dance for Skeletor ever again!
After I clean my blade of
all the disgusting disintegrated bits of Evil-Lyn on it, I look around and
notice a giant chasm has split the road in two. I can't go any further so I head
back toward the palace. I go
NORTH and then
back into the palace and
its wax-smeared walls. I then head
WEST and then
where I find myself back
in the room of mirrors! I didn't even need a map to remember all of that!
ENTER THE MIRROR
and remember what the
manual said. But since I don't know how to feed my head, I
FIT THE MANACLE TO THE
instead. The mirror
shrinky dinks! I
TAKE THE MIRROR
deeper into the cave. Suddenly
the ground opens beneath my feet and I fall. I end up on a crumbling ledge
with nothing to do. So I call for help and I
for someone to answer but
nobody does. I twiddle my thumbs a bit and scratch my butt and
again for something to
happen. I decide this might be a good time to check my
just to refresh my memory
on all the things I have stuffed into my loincloth. As I do this, it is
no longer able to support my weight the ledge crumbles and I fall. Nicely
said! I find myself on the ground completely cut-off from that stupid Cuboid and
the Crack of Light that I didn't even bother investigating because they're just
stupid Red Herrings and wasted so much of my time I'll hate them forever! I
one more time while
collecting my bearings when suddenly the ground bursts open and a rock
monster emerges grinding its large boulder teeth. Oh no! A Mole Monster Man!
THROW THE MOLECULATOR
at it and it is smashed
to smithereens, only his head remains intact and he pleads with you to spare his
life. Will I spare him? (Y/N) asks the game. So I try to answer Yes since I
learned the good English but the game doesn't understand that. So instead, I say
and the Rockbinder's head
says, "Thank-you, He-man, I can help you. 'The moon shines, the pyramid
preserves, the diamond is pure.'" Okay, thanks you big stupid head! I
hope I can remember that. I head
and continue not to post
any pictures of my surroundings because they're all so boring. I didn't get a
picture of Rockbinder either even though I know he's got one. It's just I killed
him without examining him because if I examined him it would have given him time
to kill me. And I didn't save the game so I could restart after getting the
picture so you're just going to have to imagine what he looked like.
I find myself in a low
fissure so I keep going
until I can find myself
not in any fissure at all.
The game calls this an army of large scorpians.
What I should have hoped
for was to find myself not in a giant heap mess of Scorpions! Being the brave
ATTACK THE SCORPIONS
and the leaders fall
beneath my blade, but more soon take their place. Oh no! Is it futile? Am I
doomed? Maybe not! I think quickly and
ATTACK THE SCORPIONS
again. This time, I fight
on until the army lies defeated at my feet. Ha, take that! This game didn't
realize my lack of imagination would defeat one of its deadliest puzzles! After
the scorpians are defeated, I continue
through this stupid
fissure to find myself upon the summit of a mighty crag.
Wow. Exciting. I enjoy the
view for all of three seconds and continue
I find myself on the
edge of broad infertile plains. I notice a circle of ancient stone heads.
Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Penis. Lamprey.
I'm also suddenly much
further away from the sun. Or the moon. Or whatever is in the sky. I pretend not
to be extremely interested in the stone heads and march
into trouble! I find
myself on a broken pathway where the Shadow Weaver's is ensnaring you.
I'm not totally sure what's going on in that description but then I read the
other description where it says before me stands a shadow weaver preparing to
drag me away. Again, the room descriptions seem to be of a separate mind
than the responses to my commands. Whoever stated that it was a shadow weaver
obviously thought there was some race of shadow weaver monsters living in the
Shadowlands that were out to eat my soul. But the person who designed the
responses at least capitalized Shadow Weaver understanding that it was a single
nemesis (although She-Ra's nemesis and not really mine!) even if that same
person couldn't put a coherent sentence together so that I understood what was
going on. In my confusion, I
DROP MY SWORD
and am immediately
transformed back to Adam, Prince of Eternia. The Shadow Weaver cannot home in on
a mortal form. It wavers for a moment then dissapears to retrun to its haunted
home. I'm pretty sure it's haunted home is Etheria! Go back to your own
cartoon, witch! Having bravely defeated the witch and glad that I didn't have to
fight Castaspella because the name is worse than most of my enemies' names, I
TAKE MY SWORD
SE and then
I stumble upon piles of
flints stacked neatly on the ground. Skeletor probably has a henchman named
Flintstacker who was the cause of this. I
SEARCH THE FLINT
and discover a broken
Runestone! That should come in handy since I know how to read runes! I
TAKE THE RUNESTONE
and try to read it but
apparently I need the other half. It must be broken in such a way that it
is impossible to decipher even the stuff I'm looking at without the other piece.
Perhaps it was split down the middle of the letters so it looks like one of
those puzzles out of Omsi Magazine if anyone on Eternia remembers that magazine
at all. I take some flint too because I remember Rule #1! I head
and notice Beastman
ready to attack! He is leering at me and ready to do battle.
Silly orange git, Sturgis isn't on Eternia!
"Take your best shot,
Beastman!" I yell, being the hero and allowing the evil jerk to go first.
But he doesn't go first. He just continues to stand ready. He seems mostly
intent on not letting me go east. But I'll show him, I think as I try to pull
out my sword. As I fumble with the Power Sword, I accidentally
DROP THE HEX
and Beastman is
suspended in time. "Take that, Beastjerk!" I quip as I sneak by
him to the
I find myself on the muddy
banks of the Blood River. I wonder why it's called Blood River? Is that really
blood flowing through it? Is it from all of Skeletor's victims? What happened to
Skeletor's face? When you were a kid, did you think Skeletor and Cobra Commander
were the same person? I always figured Cobra Commander had just a skull under
his veil or his silver face plate. As I ponder these great philosophical
EXAMINE THE MUD
and discover a Silver
Claw. I wonder if this fell off that bird figure that I can't remember the name
of. I think Teela had one as a friend and Evil-Lyn had one that was her friend
TAKE THE CLAW
and head back
where I mock Beastman for
a little bit before traveling
into more boring
Shadowland territory. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't fill these games with so
many useless places just to make the game seem bigger. I head
again into another
non-descript, boring Shadowland area. I head
from here to find myself
on the banks of the Blood River once again. Ruby red reeds grow sparsly along
the river's bank. Sersly. I
TAKE SOME REEDS,
noticing how fiberous they
are. Truly remarkable! Thinking that I might need a net to catch Skeletor, I
MAKE A NET FROM THE
and instead create a
strong rope. Well, that should come in handy! I head back
WEST and then
again. I find some more roughly
sculpted stone heads dotting the landscape and realize they must mean
Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Penis. Lamprey. Penis. Penis. Lamprey.
Ancient artifacts probably
always mean something and I totally ignored the first batch! I don't make that
mistake this time and
EXAMINE THE HEADS
for clues to what ancient
race may have created them. Instead I just find that they're covered in moss
with another Speculum engraved on them! I try to
GET THE MOSS
and end up rousing the
"Well, hello there,
Mossman!" I say heroically.
"He-man, now I
know the land can be saved from Skeletors evil hand," he says mossily.
What a stupid Master of
the Universe! But having read the Documentation that says 'Enlist Orko', I know
that I can get people to help me so I
into my good scheme to
save the world!
"I will do all
that is in my power to help you," mosses Mossman. I can't imagine what
this mess can do to help me save the world! Grow on a tree? Fall asleep? Eat a
swamp? Lame! Taking him with me, I head
SOUTH and then
WEST and then
where Mossman and I find
outselves at the edge of a swamp. Immediately, Moss-man stoops to the edge of
the swamp and begins to drink. Moss-man remains to digest this foul brew.
What a weirdo!
I also just noticed how,
once again, the room description calls him Mossman without a hyphen and the
response to my input text calls him Moss-Man. What is going on?! Since the swamp
is now a non-swamp, I
ENTER THE SWAMP
and end up standing on
the edge of a large lake. I also notice Mer-man crawling from the water and
about to attack!
How much do you want to
bet the response text will call him Merman? Thinking quickly, I
REMOVE THE BEAD
from the abacus because
maybe Mer-man will think it is a pearl or his wife's egg or something! I
DROP THE BEAD
in front of him and the
large bead multiplies. Mer-man (I was wrong! But we didn't shake on the
bet!) runs to attack, treads on the beads and falls backwards into the lake.
Ha! That'll take care of that jerk!
That reminds me of a
story! When I was a young kid, I went camping at Lodi with my grandparents and
cousins. My cousin and I were playing by the lake with our Masters of the
Universe figures and eventually realized that Mer-man was floating way out in
the lake where we couldn't reach him! We threw sticks and stones and stuff but
we never got him back! Just like in this game! Also, I threw Skeletor in the
fire pit and his fingers melted on some hot coals. So my Skeletor always had a
Now that Mer-man was taken
care of and my story is over, I head
NORTH and then
climbing along the side
of the Mystic Mountains. I hear the sound of blood chilling screeches, so
I'm either near the Wyvern's home or Teela's Sex Palace. I head
and find myself on the
side of Wyvern Mountain! Darn! I was hoping for the other thing! I climb
the mountain until I
arrive at the summit. I'm now near the twin pinnacles of Wyvern mountain. In
the fierce sunlight I see a large Wyvern sitting on a nest protecting it's evil
brood. A Wyvern with its evil children! I
KILL THE WYVERN
easily with my sword and it
falls from the pinnacle. The young follow their parent over the edge.
Oh my God! That's so sad!
Just because the game called them evil it doesn't mean that isn't sad! Poor
little baby wyverns! How am I supposed to finish this game with tears in my
eyes? While I'm weeping, I remember my stupid Wycord and
THROW THE WYCORD AT THE
The wycord attaches
itself to the pinnacles and I guess that accomplishes something. I head back
the mountain into a
narrow gully beneath the summit of Wyvern Mountain. A large likeness of a
resting lizard has been hewn from a large fallen boulder. Or is it really a
Wyvern that has been turned to stone through foul magic! Was one of Skeletor's
henchmen called Medusor? I
EXAMINE THE LIZARD
and discover the other
half of the Runestone! I
TAKE THE RUNESTONE
FIT THE RUNESTONE TO
successfully! Now I can
probably read it! I
READ THE RUNESTONE
and it says, Light fire
on high place to summon Orko. Why? Why would I want to summon that bumbling
no-faced, no-legged failure of a magick-user? What a stupid idea! But, knowing
that I'll probably need his negligible help, I head back
the mountain. I do as the
Runestone says and
LIGHT A FIRE.
I expect I'll use the
flint but instead I pull out the shard of glass. The shard of glass filters
the sunlight and the next bursts into flame. As the next burns Orko appears.
Now why would burning a smelly Wyvern's nest summon Orko? Isn't he usually just
hanging around me being annoying?
I'm a wanker!
Orko asks, "What
do you want of me Master?"
"Well, first I'd like
you to not be such a stupid character. I hate Filmation! Next, could you put
some pants on?"
shouts Orko while zany musick accompanies his crazy antics. Sighing, I
and he says, "O.k.
Master I will follow you."
Great! "You better
pull your weight, you clown!" I grumpily trudge
the mountain wondering why
I couldn't enlist Teela's help. As we're walking along, I suddenly realize I've
left my Time Weapon holding Beastman in stasis! I hurry back
EAST and finally
where, thankfully, my
Hexagon of Heliatron is still lying on the ground with Beastman suspended in
GET THE HEXAGON
and while Beastman is
momenterily dazed, I hurry
to escape his wrath! I
continue to travel
NORTH and then
deeper into the
Shadowlands than I've ever been before! Here I notice long burial mounds
running parallel with my path. And since looting Grayskull got me this far,
I figure I'll loot the Shadowlander's burial mounds too! I
EXAMINE THE MOUNDS
and discover a Golden
Clock Cog. It probably isn't really very useful but it has to be worth a small
fortune since it's gold, so I
TAKE THE COG,
just in case. I continue
and find myself face to
face to face with Two-Bad!
Nice wives-beater, sir!
Perhaps that is the
dumbest Masters of the Universe character name! Remembering my Turquoise in my
pocket that is both the same color as him and had two faces carved on it, I
GIVE THE TURQUOISE TO
The two heads of
Two-Bad argue about the gem, allowing me to pass. How come when a creature
has two heads, you can always guarantee that they'll end up arguing amongst
themselves? I wonder if Eng and Chang were always tricked into arguing with
themselves so people could get one over on them?
See Two-Bad? That's how you dress for success!
Before they can realize
how dumb they're being since they only have one body so, technically, they both
own the stupid gem, I hurry
I must be getting close to
Skeletor because this Story is getting pretty long and there hasn't been a whole
lot of chase scenes and love making! If I don't nail Teela or get in a spaceship
soon, the audience is going to fall asleep! I hurry
the mountain thinking
about doing stuff to Teela that I don't even know the names of when I finally
see Snake Mountain just visible to the west.
Snake Mountain looks more like Turd Mountain!
Oh boy! I rush
with my sword upraised and
screaming, "FOR ETERNIA!" As I near the steps leading up to Skeletor's
hideout, a large energy boulders start crashing down the steps! Unless
What in the world is an
energy boulder, I wonder as I
JUMP out of the way but
only if it's actually there.
As I'm jumping or not
jumping, Orko is casting spells! He points to a tunnel to the south which
wasn't there a second ago. So I guess Orko helped out a little bit. Unless that
giant energy boulder crashed through the cliff and made the hole in the wall.
Either way, I
ENTER THE TUNNEL
and find myself in a
huge rock hewn vault. I notice a laser cage full of Shadowlanders weeping
and begging for release. I try to bend the bars on the cage but they're made of
lasers or something and burn my hands. I shrug my shoulders and say, "Well,
I tried everything I could!" and rush
so I don't have to hear
them whine anymore. I end up in a tunnel beneath the foundations of Snake
Mountain. It's also a dead end. But not really a dead end! It's actually one
of those puzzles these stupid games put in to really extend the life of the game
and make the game nearly impossible to solve by anybody but the nerdiest nerd
who tries every single thing and remembers Rule #3 in the Adventurer's Guide to
Successful Adventuring. A non-descript room with nothing to examine does not
mean there is nothing to examine! Remember, rooms are made of walls, ceilings
and floors! Just Examining the Room is sometimes not enough for these dastardly
programmers and their stupid tricks! In this case, I
EXAMINE THE WALL
and notice one wall has
long scratches on it's surface, and appears to be made of large blocks. Of
course it does! Why should I trust a room description in a graphical text
I think I'm going to need that Speculum!
Of course, how can I trust
anything when even the graphics don't help! So, keep on your toes, girls and
boys, and remember to read up on The Adventurer's Guide to Successful
Adventuring! I examine the blocks and they seem loose so I
PULL THE BLOCKS
and the wall slides
easily to one side, revealing a passage. I sure hope Skeletor is on the
other side of this passage because even I've lost interest in this story! I
ENTER THE PASSAGE
without the help of a
speculum and find myself in a smooth sided tunnel that bears all the signs of
having been dug by the captive mole people of Arundial.
It looks to me like the tunnel was made by the Goatse People of
I don't now who the Mole
People are or where Arundial is so either my childhood interest in the Masters
of the Universe waned before they released the Mole People figures or the Mole
People are more of She-Ra's thing or the programmers decided they would add to
the great and glorious history of Eternia with their own little bit of
speculative fiction. I continue
WEST and then
because I suddenly can't
go back. That either means I'm almost through or I've messed up somewhere!
I end up in a passage with
a shaft cut into the ceiling and a small pyramid of diamond shaped rocks.
I take a rock because that's what a
good adventurer does and then I examine the shaft. It's too high to climb so I
probably need to use my net. I mean my rope! But how to get it tied up there? I
scratch my head with my silver claw and suddenly have a great idea! I
TIE THE ROPE TO THE
and make a grappling hook!
I twirl the hook around and around and
THROW THE HOOK
high up the shaft. The
claw sticks into a small crevice half way up the shaft. This is too easy! I
CLIMB THE ROPE
only to discover the rope
only gets me halfway up the shaft. There is a light above and I examine the wall
to note there covered with deadly iron spikes. Well, you might as well
have installed an elevator here where the sun doesn't shine, Mr. Skeletor! I
CLIMB THE SPIKES
and clamber into the
outer chambers of Snake Mountain. I notice great glass globes of evil energy
floating around the room. Orko casts a spell. Whoops it backfires and Orko
vanishes. Finally! I knew he'd do something totally stupid and worthless!
It's at this point in my adventure that I wished The Adventurer's Guide to
Successful Adventuring had more rules in it because I'm finally and completely
stuck! Could Rule #99 be 'Google the Walkthrough'? But then how can my
Walkthrough be my true Walktrhough if I just used one that already existed on
Realizing I only have a
few things at my disposal and knowing that I can't touch the globes or I die, I
guess that the mirror needs to be used somehow. I try various means to reflect
the globes in the mirror and can't manage until I suddenly
DIRECT THE MIRROR AT
The mirror absorbs the
energy within the globes. They vanish! And that exclamation point was really
part of the game! It's excited that I figured it out! After the globes are gone,
I see an open door. I
ENTER THE DOOR
and end up in an evil
smelling corridor. What does evil smell like? Probably like a Sear's ladies'
restroom full of old ladies, um, resting!
I'm almost there! I can smell it!
The corridor looks like
one of those corridors that is going to lead me right to my nemesis and end the
game! I head
and as I enter,
Skeletor touches the console and runs behind doors to the east. Computers! I
wonder if Skeletor was playing a computer game too! I try to follow him but the
doors he went through are electronically locked! I
EXAMINE THE CONSOLES
and they contain four
EXAMINE THE PADS,
revealing each one bears a
different shape: a diamond, a triangle, a circle and a square! I try punching
the pads like a stupid monkey but I need to press the pads in the correct
order. That's what I'm trying to do, stupid! Realizing I need to punch the
pads in the order that the Rockbinder hinted at but not knowing how the dumb
game wants the input takes about 2 or 3 minutes to figure out before I finally
outsmart Skeletor and
PRESS CIRCLE TRIANGLE
The doors to the east
"I have you now,
Skeletor!" I scream in my macho voice and
ENTER THE DOOR
that Skeletor ran through.
I don't find him in the next room so I keep running
while screaming at the top
of my lungs! I still don't find him but I'm in Skeletor's anti-chamber
which means I'm, um, in his not chamber? I'm not in his chamber? Wait, what does
that mean? He's trying to confuse me with spelling errors! I head
and find myself in the
high domed hall of Skeletor's Inner Sanctum. I have cornered my arch-enemy in
"At last I have you in my power," he finishes saying even though I
had to close his dumb quotation and then he points his rams head staff at me
and releases a power bolt. I
DROP THE HEXAGON
and time freezes for
Skeletor. The power bolt freezes inches from my face.
"Ha ha! You did not
expect that trick, did you Skeletor?! Even though it is the oldest trick in the
book!" I notice Skeletor's hand on a lever marked "earth quaker!"
I bet that's the device making Eternia shake! I wonder if I should push or pull
the lever? I
PUSH THE LEVER
and realize I've dis-armed
the machinery that has been destroying the land and imprisoned Skeletor.
Yes, that's the end. Go