The 3 Musketeers
By
Grunion Guy

(The only real walkthrough you probably need for this game is this part inside these parentheses. It's a Choose Your Own Adventure style game and with the Quick Save ability on the emulators, it shouldn't be too hard to blunder your way through it. But you might want to know what keys to use to do so! So here's the DOCUMENTATION I wrote for the game and then you can get on with my amazing rendition of the story.

When the game shows a '?' on the right side of the screen, that means the text being shown is what has happened in the story. Press the SPACE BAR and you'll get the first of several options to choose from for your actions. You can cycle through all the options by pushing the SPACE BAR. When you get to the option you want to choose, press RETURN.

When the game shows four arrows, you need to enter a direction for your character to go. Press F1 for North, F3 for South, F5 for West and F7 for East.

And now on with the story!)

Chapter One
Rounding Up the Boys

I, the great and glorious D'argrunion have just satiated my beloved Constance with a rousing game of Satiation when she hands me a letter from the Queen and with a worried frown on her forhead (which seems odd and terrifying at the same time since I was hoping I was kissing her on the lips but if her mouth is on her forehead, sorry, FORHEAD, what the hell was I trying to stick my tongue in?), asks if I will accept the mission! I have no idea what mission I'm supposed to be accepting but she's so cute with her bangs hanging over her little pursed lips, I can't refuse! Or can I!

Apparently some Cardinal is trying to miscredit the queen, possibly because he doesn't want her to overshadow him in his film? I take the letter and say

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

"Oh, my most precious one, I would joyfully sacrifice my life in order to save thee and the Queen's honour from th'evil plans of the Cardinal."

Then I take hold of Constance's hand and kiss it on the lips very tenderly with just the right amount of slobbering. I'm glad Constance doesn't comment on my bumbling of the word "the" which can be a pretty hard word to say especially when it's followed by a word beginning with an 'e' which the just ended in! It's practically impossible not to run them together!

After our fantastic make-out session in which I score again, Constance leaves the chamber while I take my rapier and grab my pouch which seems odd since I've just done it like two times and now I'm going to masturbate! I'm a stallion! After I'm done pleasing myself the way only I can please myself even though Constance does a pretty good job, I consider making a swift moment by jumping out of the window even though I would probably get hurt. If I was more cautious with my moments, I'll probably be able to get to the end of the book, so I

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

carefully climb out of the window.

I'm now in Paris and the graphics make me really feel like I'm there!

I can almost smell the baguettes and piss!

An alley heads west toward my friends' houses or I can go south to the Musketeer Headquarters! I'm really looking forward to a ride on Space Mountain, so I head

SOUTH [F3]

wondering why the Queen and Constance are so riled up about this gosh darn Cardinal! I wish the game would have told me more about what I was doing. Do they expect me to have already read this book? Why would I be playing the game if I read the book? Pshaw! Stupid!

At the Musketeers Secret Hide-out, I run into a servant who looks like a real Nancy boy!

I wonder if this guy's sister has a brother that doesn't look like a sister.

He tries to tell me his master, some Mr. de Trevilles, doesn't want to be disturbed. I realize this isn't America so I don't rush in and disturb Mr. de Trevilles in a really unrecedented rude way which might garner me three days in prison (one for each musketeer!). Instead, I

[CHOOSE THE 4th OPTION]

try to convince the servant of the importance of my mission

but the little buggerer still refuses to let me in! And he begins staring at my crotch, to boot! So I

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

throw him my money pouch and say, "Thou seemst rather frightened of your master."

The stupid servant still does not want to let me in, accusing me of bribery, acting uppity and finally demeaning stable boys in his dramatic furor! There's just no pleasing this guy and now he's trying to take my money without letting me in! I say, 

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"Thou art mistaken: it is no bribe, but a meager recompense for the embarrasment thou mightest endure by letting me in."

Well, somebody should be embarrassed by the way they spelled embarrassed! But it isn't me! I'm happy because the little snot finally let's me in to see that de Trivia guy I've been trying to see for some reason.

I wish Neck Doilies would come back in fashion!

And there he is! The guy is sitting in a chair doing absolutely nothing and acts really pleased to see me! His servant is running some huge scam apparently! Captain de la Trivia says, "Ah, my friend D'argrunion, what can I do for thee?"

[Choose the 4th Option]

"I need a leave for me and my three friends in order to be able to perform a secret mission for her majesty the Queen. A mission so secret that even Iest do nottest knowest what I am doingest!"

Captain Trevino sputters and spits Cognac out of his mouth and goes, "WHHAAAAAAT?!"

[Choose the 1st Option]

"The mission is such that I cannot reveal it because I do not know what it is! I think I've been entrusted with passing a note or something. Thou art unfortunately obliged to have faith in me."

Mr Captain gets all sad and boo hoos, "Oh, poor baby, needs some time off! But only if you've got a doctor's note for your 'diarrhea'. Let's see the proof."

[Choose the 3rd Option]

"I am to deliver this our Queen's letter in England before it is too late. I hope there is an address or something on it. Maybe that's why I need those other three Musketeers. And aren't I a Musketeer? Why do they get the title credits? Shouldn't this book be called D'argrunion Delivers a Letter?"

My Captain fusses and fidgets with some war documents he's hidden on his shelves and asks me to swear that I, too, am not hiding war documents.

[Choose the 1st Option]

"I solemnly swear that this letter only concerneth her majesty the Queen and her hoo-ha."

Finally, the big dumb-dumb grants me my leave of absence. I hope he remembers that my other three friends with the funny names need a leave of absence also! Although, why should I bother bringing them along when they're going to steal all of the credit!

I leave the headquarters through the back door so I don't have to run into that toady who stole all of my money. I find myself on a street called a Rue, right outside Luxembourg. So that must mean I'm in Portugal. To the south is some place called the Quail dealy Ferrari. The street heads east and west and to the north is the market! Baguettes! I head

NORTH [F1]

into the famous market-hall, known for its beauty.

Vons in the 1800s.

Aww, yes, I can see how bright and vibrant everything is! I don't see any vendors with hot pretzels or cheese sticks but to the east is Porthos apartment. I'm not sure if his name is Portho and they forgot the apostrophe or if his name is Porthos and they still forgot the apostrophe. Hopefully he'll still have on his Vons Nametag when I meet him. I head

EAST [F7]

where I notice the editor was finally paying attention when I cast my eyes upon Porthos's extravagant apartment. "Ah, my friend, finally we shall meet!" I head

NORTH [F1]

into the costly decorated room of Porthos where I see the enormous Musketeer lying on a sofa.

Porthos: not in the top 1000 baby names.

"Hello, my fat friend!" I say in the extremely French-Portuguese way I've decided my character has. I am greeted with heavy snores from the fat jerk. "Oh ho! Someone has been on a typical French bender!" I say in my swaggering and gay way since gay was an entirely appropriate way to be in France in whatever century this is taking place. Probably an older one because there isn't any color in any of the pictures.

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

I go to a chair in the corner and sit down to think for a while. Why all of this intrigue to deliver a letter for the Queen? Why was there so much intrigue tied up in letter writing in France in the 1800s? Unless this was the 1500s! Didn't France have a postal service? Is that what a Musketeer is supposed to be doing? How hot is Constance? I mean, really, pretty hot, hunh? But with a name like Constance, it sounds like maybe she doesn't do it a whole lot. Possibly not at all! And who are these Cardinalists I keep talking about? Are they just more blasphemy England thought up to stick it to the Holy Church of Rome? Probably! The big self-reliant jerks!

I remain sitting for over an hour because my big, fat, snoring friend just won't wake up! But also because I have a lot of cool and interesting stuff to think about! Porthos might as well sleep a little while longer so I

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

rise, walk a few restless turns around the room and finally sit down again to continue my wait. And continue my good think! Why would my Queen want to send a secret letter to England? I'm pretty sure we don't like Englishers! Could my Queen be having a Tristram with some hot buttered scone of an Englishman?! Oh the worry! But it is my duty to deliver letters with my friends the Three Musketeers and to have an exciting time doing it so parents can get children to read classical literature in the next century!

Finally, Porthos wakes up and drowsily says: "woe, woe, how my head acheth; but what a banquet it was." He looks up and sees me staring at him while he sleeps. Thankfully he isn't too weirded out by it and asks, "Ah, D'argrunion, what is thy errand?"

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

"Grab your rapier and join me on a perilous mission! We risk meeting cruel Cardinalists along our journey to England. Thus you must be prepared to fight your way through!"

I lie to the stinking drunk fat loser. Because who would join with me in an exciting novel about delivering a stupid letter? Not me! But then I'm only on this mission because I currently can't figure out how to defeat Mantenna or Mer-man or Beastman in that other adventure game I'm trying to solve! Stupid Masters of the Universe. Porthos gets super excited and agrees without even asking how much money I'm going to pay him!

"Good! for a long time I have longed to make use of my rapier." Man, is the whole novel rapier double-entendres? We leave his apartment and head

EAST [F7]

to go find some other guy. We then go

SOUTH [F3]

where we're at the end of the Rue des Fossoyeurs. We head

SOUTH [F3]

again to Rue Fairy where Athos lives! We head

WEST [F5]

into his apartment. And there he is!

Big hats are all the rage.

He's in deep thoughts over a bottle of wine. I bet his deep thoughts aren't even funny.

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION {BECAUSE IT MAKES FOR A BETTER STORY THAN GOING RIGHT FOR THE 2nd OPTION}]

I say, "Athos, thou must forget thy worries, since I am in need of they assistance."

Athos speaks without moving a muscle which is kind of like how a ventriloquist does it, I think. "Forget? I cannot forget, I will never forget." He mumbles some unperceivable words which make me think what he's trying to forget is a run-in with Cthulhu or some other Old One. Good thing I know of the one and only true way to break someone out of a Lovecraftian break from sanity!

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

I go to the jug of water which is on a table by Athos bed (Hey editor! Wake up!), pour some water into a glass and throw it in his face. The glass shatters on his brow and Athos almost falls off his chair. He spits and snorts (a lot like Porthos! Ha!), but then he comes to me and says: "I thank thee, friend, I must leave those thoughts behind."

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

"Then I know exactly what thou must do," I say triumphantly! "Come with me to England on an important mission, and thou wilt forget thy past. Fencing and fighting is the only remedy for troubled minds!" Wow! That's true! That's why Super Heroes are so together psychologically. Freud should have based his work on my philosophy of fighting and fencing! Pugiltherapy!

Athos agrees with me completely, of course. But then he calls me 'Sapristi' which I don't think is my name. I might be offended except I need these three grown men to help me deliver a letter. So I ignore it and we head back into the street. We all head

NORTH [F1]

back to the Rue with the funny name. We decided to stroll down this Ruelouvard for awhile in hopes that we find the home of my third amigo, Whatshisnameos. We go

WEST [F5]

past Porthos's posh neighborhood. Excpet instead of saying 'posh' I probably said something Frenchier. We keep heading

WEST [F5]

until we're all hanging out back of the Musketeer headquarters. Just like when we have our smoke breaks! We head

SOUTH [F3]

where the house of Aramis sits. We head

SOUTH [F3]

into his building where we find Aramis sitting at his table. He looks up and says, "Be brief, my friend, I am composing a letter of love."

His hat is on fire!

Don't these guys work? What does a Musketeer do anyway? Why is the word Musket in their name yet they keep grabbing rapiers and talking about fencing?

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

I explain to Aramis, "Our Queen's honour is at stake, and I need thy help to save her from the mean intrigues of the Cardinal. We must at once depart for England and deliver a letter."

Aramis quickly agrees to join us without any further explanation of the task. Which is a good thing since I'm not even sure what I'm doing! Some hot chick named Constance gave me a letter to deliver that will save the Queen's honour from some evil, mustachio twirling Cardinal! I guess that's explanation enough! As long as that thin little premise leads to lots of fighting of swords and buckling of swashes!

Aramis has only one concern. "Canst thou arrange a leave of absence even though I don't know what we're leaving from? Drinking, hangovers and writing love letters, I guess! Go Musketeers!"

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

"Of course, all such minor details are already taken care of. I have spent all the money I have to obtain permission of leave for us and our two friends. You owe me big time."

"Excellent", says Aramis, dropping his comma outside of the quotation marks, "let us at once set out to save our Queen." He takes his rapier like a good Musketeer and we leave his apartment and head

WEST [F5]

past the fountain and then

NORTH [F1]

to the gates of Paris where a guard is standing just to the

WEST [F5]

of us to keep everyone inside.

We walk up to the mean looking guard and he demands to see our papers. Apparently he finds them in order and we're allowed to leave Paris and enter into Chapter Two!

CHAPTER TWO:
After Having Escaped Paris

We find ourselves heading north to Normandie at the start of the second chapter. Hopefully Normandie is another way of saying England or else we might be lost! Maybe it's another way of saying Northern France! Whatever it means, at least the picture of it has some color in it!

This picture is upside down.

So we ride

NORTH [F1]

along the road. After several hours of bustled riding we reach a small tavern by mid-day. We stop to take a closer look at the tavern and notice that it seems unusually calm.

"That's strange," I tell Porthos who nods knowingly. "Wouldn't you expect a couple of prostitutes to be servicing men in the hedgerow and a giant brawl to be going on inside? And perhaps an innkeeper and his wife singing about being big jerks?"

"That is exactly what I would expect," responds Porthos good-naturedly which is how everyone expects the fat guy to respond.

"Oh, but we must stop for a small drink and a flirt," says Athos already climbing down from his saddle and unzipping his fly. Unless zippers haven't been invented yet, and then he's unbuttoning his jeans. Unless buttons haven't been invented yet and then he's undoing the leather ties.

Seeing that Athos is already on his way in, I make the decision to

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

take a short break and go inside to have a good dinner. Once inside the tavern, I am greeted by a large, drunken man. He slurs his words and utters, "Here's a toast to the Cardinal. Drink with me or die!"

Well, that's one way to get an action scene started. But is it really believable? Am I to expect that a man in a tavern getting sloppy drunk is going to threaten every person who enters with death if they don't toast some stupid religious guy? Now, maybe it's because I'm such a genius writer or maybe it's because this Dumas guy wrote such a lousy video game, but I really don't find this part very believable. I bet this guy's editor was on his back to get to some exciting stuff after all that wandering around Paris convincing your buddies to join you to deliver a letter.

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION QUICKLY!]

I ask Porthos to swiftly get rid of this man. Porthos falls upon the man, who quickly sobers up from his intoxication. Porthos shouts, "Ride on in haste, my friends, I shall take care of this racketeer." Then he mirthfully continues the fight.

So I guess that makes more sense! It was just some bandit or thug or racketeer trying to rob us! Well, it's a good thing our fat friend Porthos loves a good bar brawl! Oh what a mirthful fight he had!

Aptos, Arachnis, and I rush out of the bar and hurry up the highway! A few hours later, the road is blocked by a small, grey man with a vicious look on his face. He croaks, "Give me a coin!" The nerve! But it's such a typical plot device! This grey, vicious, rude man is probably a King or a Pope or something and he'll end up giving me lots of riches at the end of the story for being such a kind-hearted and generous person!

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION QUICKLY!]

I throw him some copper coins and the man croaks some indistinct words and leaves the place. Better to save the gold coins for something important like dinner. Plus, I don't want to stand out as some rich guy on he road! He might run off and tell some bandits that I'm loaded! As we head

NORTH [F1]

I wonder if Porthos has rejoined us or if he even ever left us. It sure seemed like he was going to stay behind at the inn and fight that guy all night.

As we're all enjoying the sun and tree bordered road, a group of armed Cardinalists appear all around us. The commander shouts "Fire!" 

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION QUICKLY!]

I cry out for Aramis to detain them as a bullet hits his leg. He shouts, "Ride on! I Shall detain them here!"

I guess that answers the question about Porthos being left behind! So now I've lost two Musketeers as me and Apthos continue to ride

NORTH [F1]

towards an old ruin. At the ruin we turn

EAST [F7]

toward a large forest. We enter along a path to the

SOUTH [F3]

and find ourselves immediately lost because apparently the path disappeared once we got deep enough into the forest to lose our bearings. Really? A maze in a computer game adaptation of a graphic novel? Or was this actually in the original work? Chapter Fifteen: You are in a maze of twisty little passages all alike. Well, we wander around all day going

SOUTH [F3],

EAST [F7],

SOUTH [F3],

WEST [F5],

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3],

EAST [F7],

EAST [F7],

EAST [F7],

EAST [F7],

SOUTH [F3],

WEST [F5],

SOUTH [F3],

EAST [F7],

EAST [F7], AND

SOUTH [F3],

we finally get out of the forest totally exhausted. That's because we had to wander by a carcass, a high mountain, a hillside, a quiet stream, a distant swamp, a small meadow, a few rabbits, a little mouse, a sunny clearing, a treehouse, a dead wolf, a big hazel-bush, a big mushroom, a calm stream, a dark bearcave, a gravel pit, an old ruin, a dark treealley, a big spring, a fast rapide, an old mineshaft, a forest path, a darkblue lake, a fallen tree, nice shrubbery, a lot of berries, an angry river, a clear spring, a dead tree, a lot of flowers, an apple-tree, a distant deer, a small glade, a bear far away, a deserted cabin, a large rock, a green hill, a mighty rock, a big treestump, a very old oak, a lonely pinetree, a flowing river, a hat-shaped cliff, a high fence, a large creek, a very tall pine, a brown cow, a small cliff, a river mouth, a poisones snake, a lot of frogs, a large ant-hill, a steep hill, a broken tree, a lot of acorns, a rocky area, a deep valley, a big blue lake, a slimey toad, a green field, a brush wood, a firgrove, and a steep ravine. I have double-checked my tale and none of the errors in that list are mine, especially not the poisones snake.

Athos and I head

EAST [F7]

toward a small tavern to rest for the night. As we're settling our bill the next morning, the host roars, "Counterfeiter!" and summons a horde of men. I figure I should probably get out of here safely with the letter and

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION QUICKLY!]

leave it to Athos to take care of. Athos fires both of his guns and draws his rapier. So at least one of us has firearms although I don't remember the last time a pistol was called a musket. Maybe the two guns he's drawing are both muskets and he's dual wielding them like those guys in Call of Duty with the two shotguns. He shouts, "Leave me, I will manage this alone. Thou hast to save the Queen!" I skeedaddle out of there with my rapier between my legs, hop on my horse and flee

NORTH [F1].

I approach the port at Calais and continue to the

NORTH [F1]

on foot. I have finally reached Calais which is weird since I had no idea that was where I was headed. I remember something about Normandie.

Dreary. And I'm not even in England yet.

I hope the other Musketeers knew this was where we were headed so we can meet up for a good fight at the local tavern with some Cardinalists. I head

WEST [F5]

to the harbour and find a ship fit to take me to England. I walk up to the Captain and say,

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

"I want to rent thy vessel, but quick! I am bound for England."

The captain raises his brows and asks, "To England? I am afraid that is impossible, the Cardinal has prohibited all journeys to England without a passport stamped by the Governor."

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

"Where can I get such a passport?" I inquire boringly. Even though it's easier to just type in all the stuff that the game tells me, it isn't very exciting or entertaining at all! People actually think this garbage is classic literature? Pee-yuke! I think it's time to make this story a little more exciting!

The Captain says, "You'll have to do something really super exciting and probably a little bit dangerous and maybe shocking to get that passport! Because that will get the audiences into the seats and then have them sitting on the edges of those seats wondering if you will succeed or not. But first it will be so mysterious and exciting that it will keep those pages turning as the book rockets to the number spot on the Booksellers Best Books List!"

"Wow! That truly is a very exciting thing I must do! Did you say I must go this way to do that exciting thing that you said I need to do?" I point

NORTH [F1]

and he nods and points north and says, "Yes, you have the direction correct. Now you should go in that direction because it seems like you are dilly-dallying because you are afraid!"

"Oh ho! You dare to challenge the great D'argrunion?" I say while placing my hand upon my chest and making a sour face.

"Yes! For I have been waiting to kill thee!" he cries as he draws his rapier. That means he pulls it out so that he can kill me with it and not that he took a crayon and sheet of paper out and drew the deadly weapon.

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION QUICKLY!]

I draw my rapier and fight the man back! After a vigorous fight I finally manage to mortally bless the Cardinal's emissary, I mean, the Ship's Captain. A-ha! Now I do not need to go

NORTH [F1]

to that Governor's stamp shop or whatever it was I was supposed to do. Because a dead man does not need to see my passport at all!

"Hey, first mate!" I shot at the skinny guy in the funny cap and red shirt. "Get this ship sailing

EAST [F7]

and make it a double!" I yell at him. The first mate sees the mess I made of the Captain who did not listen to me and decides to not be dead when he wakes up tomorrow. So he hitches the post sails and filets the anchors and off we go toward England!

Chapter Three
I Hope The Three Musketeers Can Catch Up

After three hours of sailing, the ship pulls into Dover. I exit the ship to the

NORTH [F1]

and don't see a mailbox anywhere! A couple of really fun sounding pubs stand closed to either side of me so I wander

NORTH [F1]

up the famous coiling streets of Dover. Everything is still closed but a carriage is loitering off to the

EAST [F7],

probably looking for people who need to go back home because they came to town while all the shops were closed. I hop in the carriage and say

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"Quick take me to the castle of Buckingham, and make it hasty, please!"

The coachman is acquinted with the Duke so he does not wish to be paid. Being French and not having a great grasp on the English language, I assume the word 'acquinted' has some special meaning that has to do with getting lots of extra money from somebody to bring people to his doorstep for free. Feeling a little awkward, I say

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

"I thank thee, it is most generous of thee," and then I back hurriedly away from him and head toward Buckingham's summerpalace. This is probably the kind of place that doesn't mind if you just stroll right in and help yourself to whatever, I decide and do just that, going

NORTH [F1]

into the palace. A servant tells me to get lost. But I have a diplomatic way with words and say, 

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

"I am here on a mission from the Queen of France. Her life is endangered and I am to deliver a letter from her to the Duke." After I lay it all out on the line like that, I feel a bit under whelmed about my adventure. I'm nothing more than a puffed up Federal Express Employee! Except the ones that deliver in Europe instead! I'm so happy I never actually read this dumb book!

The servant acts all nice and understanding but I can tell he's really just trying to steal my thunder and take the letter to deliver it himself! Well, I didn't come all this way and have three other men fight all of my battles for me just to get scooped by some know-it-all butler! I say

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION]

"I am certain thou wouldst deliver it thineselfest. I have, however received utterly strict instructions to deliver the letter personally."

Take that, you smart-off! I think wisely. The servant says, "Gah! Whatever! Here, go saddle a horse or something and deliver it yourself. I have bed pans to scrub!" The servant leaves. I head

SOUTH [F3]

to go find a horse which is probably in the stables I may or may not have seen while I was outside the Palace. I see the stables to the

WEST [F5]

and so I go

WEST [F5]

into the stable where I pick out a beautiful white thoroughbred, which I speedily saddle. From the distant east I perceive the sound of a bugle far into the forest. I suppose that's my clue that I should head into the forest now to find this Duke guy. I yawn really loudly and head

EAST [F7] and then

EAST [F7] and then

EAST [F7] again and then

NORTH [F1]

which is when I finally catch up to the Duke's stupid hunting party full of stupid hunters. I hope the stupid address is right on this stupid letter!

I am approaching the hunting party from behind. They have as yet not noticed me, as they are busy tracking down a buck.

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

I halt and call out to the party, "I am sent by the French Queen to deliver a personal letter to the Duke of Buckingham. Is he by any chance here?"

A man emerges from the group and approaches me. After guarding the letter all this way from all sorts of vile and despicable people, I hand the letter over to this guy I don't even recognize. He reads it and barks, "My lord, time is short. I know a shortcut, follow me!"

Buckingham is half English and half lion.

Really? Time is short and he knows a shortcut? How does he know time is short? What did the letter even say? Somebody better clue me in before I die of boredom.

The Duke and I race all the way back to his palace and then ride the horses down the hall and gallop into his office where he takes out a box, hands it to me and says, "Here, take these diamonds and give them to the Queen before the ball commences." What ball? You mean I have to go back to France in a hurry too?

"Whoa, whoa! Hold on a second, bud-dee!" I say in my superb French accent.

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"I am sorry, but being French I cannot trust any Englishman. Therefore I shall have to open the box and verify its contents."

"Oh, but of course, you wicked cur," jibes my new best friend, the Duke. "Why would I be offended by that at all?" The Duke seems slightly agitated as I open it and notice some Diamonds are missing.

"Um, um, um, Oh, my God! Two diamonds have been stolen, probably one of the Cardinal's men. 
Quick, you have to get two copies made at my jewellery in Dover." The Duke then kicks me out of the room while trying to hide his spangly new earrings.

"What a fop!" I snicker as I head

EAST [F7] and then

SOUTH [F3]

out of his Palace. Then it's more boring travel as I go

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3], and

SOUTH [F3] again

until I'm once again in Dover. And that carriage guy is back waiting but I don't need his weirdness anymore because I have a horse! And diamonds! I think about retiring but remember I have to save the Queen so that Constance will show me some good times for being the biggest hero ever. I head

WEST [F5]

and find myself outside Buckingham's private jewellery. I enter it to the

WEST [F5]

and get a couple of phony baloney diamonds made. Afterward, everything looks great but for some reason I need to go back to see the Duke for some reason! Which means more stupid traveling! I go

EAST [F7],

NORTH [F1],

NORTH [F1],

NORTH [F1],

NORTH [F1],

WEST [F5], and

NORTH [F1].

As I enter his private study, the Duke says, "Ah, you are back at last. Please sit down, I have a few things left to tell you." Even though there was no time to waste? You couldn't tell me before I left with the diamonds and had to come all the way back? You couldn't travel with me on the road to tell me this crap? This had better be good!

The Duke says with relief in his voice, "I am indebted to thee, allow me to return thy kindness." The Duke enters an adjoining room and fetches a few objects which he gives to you." Oh, okay! If you're going to give me gifts, I'm glad I came back! I open my mouth to accept the gifts when my French instincts take over completely!

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION]

"I would never dream of accepting a gift from an Englishman. The only reason for me being here is my duty to save her majesty the Queen of France."

Amused, the Duke answers, "I must admire thy pride, but for the Queen's sake, accept these tokens of my appreciation. In France they might give thee fresh horses during the long ride."

"Magic Beans?" I ask.

"Ho ho!" he laughs amusedly while I remain confused by his British humour.

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"I accept thy offer, but tell me, how are these objects to give me fresh horses?"

"I have friends in France who will help thee when thou needest it. Only listen and do exactly as I tell thee. Thou shalt give this letter to my very good friend, old count Lewen. Do not hand the letter to anyone else, since it does contain facts which must never fall into wrong hands!"

"This handkerchief thou must give to lord Falk, who is truly a gentleman. It is his secret mistresses handkerchief. Thus thou must not give it to anyone else."

"The third person thou shalt contact on your journey is a spy from the English secret service. However, before I can disclose his identity, thou must swear that it will remain an eternal secret."

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"Yeah, yeah. I swear. Give me!"

"Good! Now, thou art to say a codeword to our man. He will then provide thee with a fast horse. The codeword is FORWARD."

"Finally, a man of thy kind must be very cautious about Mr Gravel, member of quite a suspicious association. I have, however, detained one of their rings, and thou hast but to show it to him."

"Now do not mistake one of these persons for another, since that would bring this story to a terrible ending. Well it is long since time for thee to leave."

"I know!" I say. "You're a frickin' blabbermouth! But I'm glad the rest of my journey isn't actually going to rely on any free will on my part. I'll just go from one helpful person to another until I'm back in Paris and the Queen has the diamonds and the Three Musketeers become famous for some reason or another." I once again head to Dover by going

EAST [F7],

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3],

SOUTH [F3], and 

SOUTH [F3].

As I near the harbour, the first mate of the ship comes up to me with a worried look. "The Captain went to a pub and hath not yet returned."

"Oh, yeah, um, err, of course he did! Of course he made the trip across the channel with us and wasn't killed by me at all!" I say, thinking quickly.

[CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"Um, err, I shall find him. Which establishment did he say he would favour?" I say, knowing he was in neither because I killed him dead earlier in the most exciting part of this whole story! And, of course, the First Mate has no idea where the Captain went because he never actually saw the Captain leave because the Captain didn't leave and go to any pub in Dover because the Captain never made it to Dover! But I have to keep up the charade or this stupid First Mate isn't going to take me anywhere.

I head

WEST [F5]

to kill some time at The Sour Fish and maybe Shanghai some guy back on to the ship and promote him to Captain. I head into the building to the

SOUTH [F3].

In the Sour Fish, I see a big fancy man who probably would like to travel at see for awhile.

I go up to him and say,

 [CHOOSE THE 2nd OPTION]

"Come, old boozer, make an effort and sober up! I must return to France at once."

The confused drunk looks at me stupidly until I pick up his wine and walk back to the ship. He follows me, we board, and the First Mate sets course back to France!

Chapter Four
I'm Pretty Sure We'll See The 3 Musketeers Now!

As I land in France, I instantly notice one of the houses mentioned by Buckingham. Except he only mentioned people. Unless he did mention houses. It's hard to remember because I can't stay awake while playing this game! And it's a video game! Imagine trying to read the big dumb book! I head

SOUTH [F3]

toward the house and am struck blind!

Although I sense there is a door to my

EAST [F7],

so I knock on it. The door is opened by a cheerful little man who merrily asks, "What can I do for thee?"

[CHOOSE THE 3rd OPTION QUICKLY!]

I give him the Duke's password and say

FORWARD.

"It must be important since Buckingham uses me," says the little man who immediately gives me a fast noblesteed. Now that I have a horse, I trot off to the

WEST [F5]

toward Paris or something. As my horse continues to get more and more exhausted and I grow more and more bored with a story that hardly has any Musketeers at all when it promised three good ones, I notice another one of the places Buckingham spoke of to the

NORTH [F1].

I head up the walk and find myself in front of a really nice mansion. I'll have to take the words' word for it, though, because my emulator seems to be having problems with the graphics.

I walk up to the entrance to the

WEST [F5].

A fine gentleman greets me at the door and asks, "What is thy errand, Sir?"

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION QUICKLY]

I hand him the letter. The count opens the letter and reads it. He then tells one of his men, "Give this gentleman the best of my steeds!" I follow the man and mount the horse. Hee hee!

Now that my horse has his own horse to ride on while I ride on him, we head back

SOUTH [F3]

to the road to Paris and then head

SOUTH [F3]

down it. I continue

SOUTH [F3]

for some time and eventually the air clears or my eyes refocus or something because the scenery looks okay again.

I can see again! And in some color!

Also, I see yet another house that the Duke told me about. I head

EAST [F7]

to see if this is the guy with the mistress so I can hear some really sordid tales from him as he gives me his best horse. As I knock, I hear a low, mumbling noice which stops as I knock. I wonder if a 'noice' is some kind of French Goblin? I hope not! I wait nervously.

The door is slowly opened by a tall, slim man, who gives you a sly look and says in a hard voice, "What does thou want?" He seems suspicious to me so I be he wants the ring!

[CHOOSE THE 1st OPTION QUICKLY!]

I show him the ring and he gives a hoarse cry and says, "What shall I do?"

"Give me a horse, stupid!" Now I have three horses and I should be getting one more! Which means I'll have enough horses for all of my Musketeers once they reunite with me! If they're not all dead, I reckon! Is reckon a French word?

The man gives me yet another horse and I set off once again for Paris to the

SOUTH [F3].

While galloping fast to save the Queen, I suddenly realize I've gone astray! OH NOES! I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which way I should go!

Luckily, I see the beggar I encountered earlier standing by the road, staring. He says in a surly voice, "Thou seemst lost, Sir. The road to Paris is to the south."

That's all I'm going to get for my lousy coppers earlier? Where's my palatial estate left to me in his will? I could have guessed that Paris was still to the south! But I'm willing to bet that beggar is a big liar so I head

WEST [F5]

just to spite the jerk. And lucky I did because I see the last house Duke described before me! It's the man with the mistress! HOT! I walk up to his door to the

WEST [F5]

and it is answered by a young gentleman. I give him a big wink and toss the handkerchief at him and he gives me another horse! I could go into business selling horses now! Or maybe I should go into business selling diamonds! I gallop off to the

SOUTH [F3]

where I can finally see the enormous garden of Versailles! I'm about to save the Queen's honour somehow! I finish my travels by heading

SOUTH [F3]

one last time (hopefully!). But I'm apparently still outside the Palace. So I sigh and head

WEST [F5]

into the main palace. Now maybe I head

SOUTH [F3]

for the last time because I'm suddenly in the most beautiful room I've ever laid my eyes upon! I hear someone behind me. I turn around, and for the very first time in my life I see Anna of Austria.

Without a word I kneel in front of her and present the diamonds. She gratefully accepts the diamonds and gives me her hand to kiss! I kiss it big time and she swoons! She has just enough time before the ball to ravish me and take my extreme virginity! I win! Oh, also she takes her revenge on the mean Cardinal Richelieu somehow.

THE END!

Except it's not! There's even some more but I won't spoil that for you! Play this awesomely terrible game yourself to see the super secret surprise ending!

grunionguy

(at)

(dot)

com